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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil looking after dd

35 replies

mmollytoots · 15/06/2015 14:29

so I'm due to go back to work soon and me and do were initially going to put dd into a nursery.

me and mil and Sil have had a vast history of issues with each other and fell our a lot in the past.

However, mil is fantastic with Dr and do yes on her and I also feel more anxious about the nursery, so I suppose I'm worried mil and Sil Sil have too much of an influence on dd in future even though its only two days a week

I know it sounds silly but dd is mine and dp and in scared they could take her away if that makes sense

should suck it up for the benefit of saving money

OP posts:
Original poster
mmollytoots · 15/06/2015 14:30

sorry for autocorrect

OP posts:
MonstrousRatbag · 15/06/2015 14:38

I wouldn't do it. Going back to work is hard. Going back to work is hell if you haven't got good, reliable childcare you can trust.

If MIL and SIL are not nice to you and the relatilonship is not good, it is not a good idea for them to look after your DD. Will you be consulted? If there is a difference of opinion, will it be easy to sort out? Unlikely.

NRomanoff · 15/06/2015 14:50

no, not if you already don't get on. It can be difficult if you do get on, this sounds like its starting in a bad position. Its not likely to be great.

If you really want to try it, why not start with 1 day per week?

Original poster
mmollytoots · 15/06/2015 14:51

no mil has made it clear she will follow everything I say and also I would speak up about any issues I have as we are confrontational like that

OP posts:
Original poster
mmollytoots · 15/06/2015 14:51

what issue do you think I would come up against

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 15/06/2015 14:54

When you are paying for a service you can be exacting. When a family member does the same thing for free, you have less clout.

Im confused though - is MIL or SIL doing the childcare?

Denimwithdenim00 · 15/06/2015 14:55

Depends on what your vast issues in the past were really.

If you are all confrontational I can see it being a disaster for your dd.

Blazing88 · 15/06/2015 14:58

Pay for proper childcare. This will be a disaster.

Atenco · 15/06/2015 15:15

what issue do you think I would come up against

Well, where do I start there are so many issues when it comes to child-rearing, OP. What the child is allowed to eat; when they sleep, whether they are disciplined or distracted or allowed to do anything they want; screen time; what different people judge as being too dangerous, etc. It's a minefield.

NRomanoff · 15/06/2015 15:26

You can come against every issue to do with children. Nap times, changing nappies, what food they eat, what drinks they have, activities, discipline, lack of discipline, where they take them, what they allow them to watch on TV. There are loads of issues that could come up.

If you have a great relationship then its eaiser to talk about it. If you don't the issues can become so big it ends in arguments. Which could leave you with no childcare at all or not speaking.

Original poster
mmollytoots · 15/06/2015 15:27

Mil will look after dd but Sil will have had her second baby by then so she will be on maternity and therefore will mil

OP posts:
Greydog · 15/06/2015 15:32

Don't do it - pay for childcare. If you've had a poor relationship before, it just won't work

CrystalCove · 15/06/2015 15:38

I would say no if the "vast issues" means there may be problems. But you sound a bit anxious to, MIL is your daughters Grandmother, why would she or how would she be able to "take her away" from you?

DrJacoby · 15/06/2015 15:39

Don't do it, no way. If you've had issues in the past and don't get on there is no possible way this arrangement will work.

LIZS · 15/06/2015 15:42

Do you agree with sil's parenting style? Who looks after your elder DN , how has that worked out and what would happen if/when sil goes back to work!

binspin · 15/06/2015 15:44

Depends how good you are at putting your foot down and speaking up for yourself.

While I think it's great to keep the childcare within the family it would be awful if relationships are already strained.

We need to know more about what has happened between you all in the past.

Atenco · 15/06/2015 15:54

Another possible and common enough issue is being told or made to feel that you are a bad parent.

Ionone · 15/06/2015 16:10

No way! I had no issues with PILs before I had a baby but afterwards was totally different. And they only looked after DD for one shortish day per week (about five hours).

scarlets · 15/06/2015 16:14

It might work, if she's agreed to listen to instructions. Give it a go. You can always put your child down for a nursery later, if it fails. It sounds as if you'd both be good at discussing issues openly rather than seething and brooding, which is great. I'm cautiously optimistic.

DinosaursRoar · 15/06/2015 16:21

Pay for childcare. Only accept free childcare if you are 100% certain all people involved are reasonable.

You can't be, there's lots of ways in which it could be a problem, especially as your MIL might well use the fact you 'need her' to 'win' arguments. I've heard of grandparents saying "well I won't have DGC next week then" in arguement when the argument have been nothing to do with children or childcare, leading to sunday night call rounds. Of course she's not going to say she'll do this now, but if you do ever have an argument with her, you'll be stuck with no nursery place.

I would say you're really grateful for the offer, but you think you'd rather she was just granny, rather than feeling she had to do the 'work' of raising DCG, but would really love it if she would be happy to be your 'fall back' childcare, if for instance your DD is too sick for nursery (but well enough for you to be happy to leave her).

DinosaursRoar · 15/06/2015 16:24

I would also say it's easier to just turn down the offer in the first place, then to tell your MIL that you don't think her care levels are good enough and you want to move to nursery. (And while you will undoubtfully say it better than that, that's what your MIL and extended family will hear).

LucilleBluth · 15/06/2015 16:26

I would, she'll be with family (yes, MILs are family) and mil seems to be on board. I say this only if there isn't massive issues of course.....And you'll save money.

chandelierswinger · 15/06/2015 16:28

Sorry, I echo what most have said. Dino has said a lot of what I would say. It's not worth creating a problem where (it sounds like) one already exists. Nursery for childcare; MIL as granny.

DinosaursRoar · 15/06/2015 16:41

oh and yes, free childcare means you don't call the shots, you can ask MIL to do X,Y or Z but it's not your choice unless you are able to quickly source alternative childcare and are prepared for the massive fall out from removing DD from MILs care, and there's rarely spaces in good nurseries with short notice.

ActiviaYoghurt · 15/06/2015 16:51

I found returning to work quite stressful and if I was worried about my DD being taken to places or with people I didn't want her to be with it would have made me much more anxious.

Is the plan for MIL to come to yours to look after your DD or are you planning on taking to MIL's? Does SIL love with your MIL? if coming to yours I think you have more opportunity to decide what they get up to during the day.

Could you do three days nursery and two days MIL?