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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil visiting AIBU to be so demanding?

110 replies

namechangeagaimm · 15/06/2015 10:28

DS is 4 months. I'm a FTM. I'm not super-keen of my ILs, but we get on and I make an effort (I hate socialising and I'm a control freak). MIL wants to see baby, fair enough, but wants to visit in evenings so FIL can visit too. I hate FIL. He's rude, insulting, childish and unpleasant to be around. I've decided I shouldn't have to put up with him my own home. And to be honest, he's not at all interested in the baby, so he clearly doesn't really want to be here either.

MIL looks after her other grandchild (dh nephew) 2 days of the week she doesn't work. This child is 18 months and obviously boisterous and noisy. This upsets my DS. He was pre-term, so is quite small. Last time the other child was here he was so noisy etc my ds almost puked from crying so much. I guess I'm pfb, but it really distresses me! (this child's parents, sil, thinks it's OK to bite the child back as discipline for when he bites her, just one example of her parenting..) I'm afraid the child just puts my back up and I don't really like him :-(

Also, if Mil is here with her other grandchild, she has to pay attention to him, and she ignores my ds.

Anyway, before this post gets really out of control, I think she should make more effort to see my ds, without distractions (other child) and without FIL. (we'll still see him at family events, just not in my house). I'm not happy to be parted from my ds yet, so dh visiting them without me isn't really an option. I've said she can drop in any day, any time, so I don't think I'm being too unreasonable , but I'd rather she was on her own.
AIBU, pfb? Should I just suck it up? I feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 15/06/2015 15:43

If she is at work in the day 3 days a week, has her 18 month old with her 2, and has fil in tow weekends and evenings, when can she drop in alone?

I sort of sympathise because I hate how new mums are endlessly told they're the ones who have to suck upall the shit to appease everyone else... but you've actually not left her a realistic time slot :o

Does your nephew try to hit/ bite your baby? If so yanbu to want them kept apart til he grows out of the phase. If it's just that he's loud the best solution would be for you to visit mil or meet at a park/ soft play (keep your baby in pram or your/ MIL's arms) or a child friendly cafe if mil thinks toddler could manage that. Then you can leave when you want and toddler isn't messing up your house.

OP will have an 18 month old in 14 months... hopefully she will realise it's a certain phase she doesn't like (or its sills parenting) rather than an 18 month old - they are a bit young to take a personal dislike to (even with primary age children you can usually see that its behaviours you dislike and often they are ones their parents have passed on/ encouraged/ failed to address. .. especially if you don't really adore the parents...).

chairmeoh · 15/06/2015 15:50

FTM? Is that Full Time Mum? Hmmph.

You dislike the 18mo, and your FIL. And you Aldo seem to have a low opinion of SIL. You sound a hit intolerant.

Can't you visit your ILs while your DH, maybe at the weekends? Or they come to you when DH is at home?

I think you need to relax a bit, compromise too. Try to reach out to be nice to people rather than instinctively putting up barriers.

PenguinBollards · 15/06/2015 15:53

FTM = first time mum, I think

Original poster
namechangeagaimm · 15/06/2015 15:55

Thanks for all replies. Taken a lot of flack for comment about 18 month old. I know it's not his fault, and it's not as if I dislike him as a person, more his behaviour, and it puts me on edge.

FIL doesn't not like my ds, he's just completely disinterested, and admits to not liking babies, so I don't see why he has to visit, especially when he can't manage to be civil to me in my own home. We have a family meal coming up, which of course will be an opportunity to see the baby.(not that he's bothered)....

Thanks to this thread I've come to a compromise and will be having a day out with Mil and nephew this week :-) Getting out of the house was a genius idea I'd previously overlooked; I'm sure I'll be less anxious with the whirling dervish in an open space, and work up to more time together .
Thanks everyone .

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeagaimm · 15/06/2015 15:56

Oh, and yes I'm intolerant and anti-social....I'm working on it but it's a slow progress!!

OP posts:
OhGood · 15/06/2015 15:57

Well done on reasonable response namechange and good luck.

OhGood · 15/06/2015 15:58

x-post...

chairmeoh · 15/06/2015 15:59

That sounds like a really great idea. Hope you all enjoy it.

But I'd recommend not allowing too much distance to grow between DS and FIL. They're never going to bond if they don't have the opportunity. Maybe give DS to FIL for a cuddle at the family meal?

Ragwort · 15/06/2015 15:59

Why on earth don't you like your DH taking your child out without you? Hmm - make sure you don't become one of those women who complain that their husband doesn't do anything or look after the children.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/06/2015 16:00

I don't know why but some infants and adultsareharder to warm to than others. I don't think you have to defend that.

You don't want to be hassled by FIL in your own home, why would you, he knows the score.

Your DH is quite capable of coping with DS. If you would rather FIL didn't visit the home then DH should be free to take DS to his parents' place. You're not the gatekeeper.

You may not feel fond of your Nephew but he's part of the family like your 4 month old. If you really can't bear MIL babysitting him at your house then explain to her you think DS is unsettled by his cousin but don't alienate MIL.

Keep posting OP admitting you are a control freak by nature was honest and it takes time to adapt and adjust.

humlebee7 · 15/06/2015 16:09

OP I can understand you saying you don't like the 18 month old. Generally I don't like or am not particularly interested in other people's children. What's the big deal with that? As long as you act ok with them then I think it's ok to think what you like!!

Plus I've got a 3 month old and actively discourage visitors after 6pm as the baby is cluster feeding and everyone is a bit more frazzled than during the day.

diddl · 15/06/2015 16:12

Sounds like a good idea. I meant to post earlier that I could see your point about FIL. Not so much his disinterest but his incivility.

By the time my prem PFB was 4months he'd only been home about 6 weeks!

Idontseeanydragons · 15/06/2015 16:25

Good idea re the day out - toddlers need as much fresh air as possible to tire the little buggers out.
Wrt FIL not being interested in babies, a lot of people aren't, the only small babies I'm generally interested in are my own. My Grandad was exactly the same, both with his own children and us GC's - fast forward to when we were a bit older you couldn't have met a kinder, funnier and more involved Grandad anywhere. I know you think he's an arse towards you (and I don't doubt that!) but don't encourage distance just yet.
I do think you need to let go a bit - trust your DH for an hour or 2 to look after his own child away from you.
Good luck with the day out!

BackforGood · 15/06/2015 16:26

Well done on taking on board what people said, especially as the first few replies were so very harsh.

I do have to agree with most that YABU in expecting everyone to a) be interested in a small baby and b) rearrange their lives around you and what you want. You need to do some serious thinking about banning your FiL from your house. Unless there is a LOT more about him you are not saying, you will need to unclench.

I take the point that if you are not used to boisterous toddlers, they can seem like hard work, but -it seems like you are finding a way round that Smile. 16months difference will seem like a lot now, but in no time at all they will be 2 cousins growing up very close in age, and it will be lovely for them to forge a great relationship with each other - so, once again, you do need to unclench a bit here, and work through with MiL how you can see them without your confidence being knocked.

answersonapostcardplease · 15/06/2015 16:32

I can't get over dislike of 18 month old baby. Biscuit

teatowel · 15/06/2015 16:37

Well my mother bit my compulsive biter of a sister and she never did it again. As the main victim I was very grateful!

PomeralLights · 15/06/2015 18:09

My baby is 5m old and no way is she being taken out of the house without me so I completely understand that!!

OP, I don't think you sound unreasonable at all. 4m is still so young - you will feel completely different when ds is an inquisitive 6m old who is starting to roll and sit up, then you'll start to see the joy in seeing family members that will wear him out and watch him while you wee alone and also you'll feel less delicate about him.

Try not to burn your bridges for now, and no harm in putting off / pushing back visits for the next few weeks because you will be surprised how much ds changes just in a few weeks.

pictish · 15/06/2015 18:23

My mum gave my upper arm a decent bite after I had bitten my brother a handful of times, then sunk my teeth into his head. I was two. I never did bite again.
Can't advocate it as a method I suppose...but it has been known to work nevertheless.

maddy68 · 15/06/2015 18:34

Honestly you sound a bit of a loon!

This is your child's grandfather, you need to encourage a relationship for the child's sake and your husbands

I never want to be an in law

You don't have to like him, your dh does!

SoldierBear · 15/06/2015 18:55

Good idea about the day out, OP.

Hope you all have a great time.

PomeralLights · 15/06/2015 19:53

maddy why? FIL isn't that interested and isn't being nice.

It's not up to a new mum to manage the baby's relationship with anyone else (except the dad I suppose).

People who want to spend time with the baby should make the effort, be nice, and be aware of how demanding a new baby is and how crazy hormones and sleep deprivation make you in the first 6m / 1yr.

Anyone not willing to do the above - fine, stay away. Wait to develop a bond when the child is a bit more independent.

You don't get it both ways and I don't see why the pressure should be on the new mum who's gone through all these massive changes in such a short space of time to be the nice accommodating one.

maddy68 · 15/06/2015 22:12

Perhaps fil doesn't sound much time as he's not made welcome rather than not interested.
The op seems really self absorbed tbh
Family is family, so,e you like more than others. Very pfb IMO

PomeralLights · 15/06/2015 23:32

It's such a 'wifework' attitude to say that mums are responsible for ensuring a good relationship with family.

Nonsense. FIL is a grown up. If he wants a good relationship he can make the effort, and if he did, I bet the OP would think 'how lovely' and make him feel welcome.

missymayhemsmum · 15/06/2015 23:42

Well, looks like you've got a choice- grandparents in the evening or granny plus 18m old cousin in the day. Nice that they are close by and want to be involved, OP. Open air sounds like a good idea.
You may not like your FIL (and it sounds as though MIL is trying to get him to make an effort) but he may grow into a super grandad. What is he like with the 18m old?
Your baby is part of this family, like it or not, and yes, you are being a bit pfb control freak. Which is understandable with all your sleep deprived protective mother hormones, but puts your dh in an impossible situation, especially if he is not 'allowed' to care for his son without you. Hope you can relax a bit as baby gets older

CocktailQueen · 15/06/2015 23:48

This child is 18 months and obviously boisterous and noisy. This upsets my DS. He was pre-term, so is quite small. Last time the other child was here he was so noisy etc my ds almost puked from crying so much.

Wait till yours is 18 months old!!! That's all I have to say...