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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil visiting AIBU to be so demanding?

110 replies

namechangeagaimm · 15/06/2015 10:28

DS is 4 months. I'm a FTM. I'm not super-keen of my ILs, but we get on and I make an effort (I hate socialising and I'm a control freak). MIL wants to see baby, fair enough, but wants to visit in evenings so FIL can visit too. I hate FIL. He's rude, insulting, childish and unpleasant to be around. I've decided I shouldn't have to put up with him my own home. And to be honest, he's not at all interested in the baby, so he clearly doesn't really want to be here either.

MIL looks after her other grandchild (dh nephew) 2 days of the week she doesn't work. This child is 18 months and obviously boisterous and noisy. This upsets my DS. He was pre-term, so is quite small. Last time the other child was here he was so noisy etc my ds almost puked from crying so much. I guess I'm pfb, but it really distresses me! (this child's parents, sil, thinks it's OK to bite the child back as discipline for when he bites her, just one example of her parenting..) I'm afraid the child just puts my back up and I don't really like him :-(

Also, if Mil is here with her other grandchild, she has to pay attention to him, and she ignores my ds.

Anyway, before this post gets really out of control, I think she should make more effort to see my ds, without distractions (other child) and without FIL. (we'll still see him at family events, just not in my house). I'm not happy to be parted from my ds yet, so dh visiting them without me isn't really an option. I've said she can drop in any day, any time, so I don't think I'm being too unreasonable , but I'd rather she was on her own.
AIBU, pfb? Should I just suck it up? I feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
ActiviaYoghurt · 15/06/2015 11:48

You hate socialising, you are a control freak and you seem to dislike many people including your Husbands father and an 18 month old baby.

I would have a long hard look at yourself.

If your MIL is offering to pop around I would take her up on the offer, you can suggest a time that suits you or go to theirs?

OuchLegoHurts · 15/06/2015 12:05

We could all be 'control freaks' if we allowed ourselves to be selfish, inconsiderate and bossy. Most of us don't though. My advice for motherhood and/or life? Compromise.

Signlake · 15/06/2015 12:21

I have no idea how a child of 18 month can get your back up or how you can say you just don't like him. You do realise he's a baby? Much like your own little one?

Hmm

Also if you don't plan on socialising with your FIL then suggest your OH takes LO round to visit alone. It will be much less stressful for everyone included this way

SoldierBear · 15/06/2015 12:27

Trying to get my head around your obvious dislike for a very young child.
While you say your MIL can pop round anytime -what you really mean is no FIL, no DN that she looks after two days a week and during the day.

Who is going to be looking after the 18 month old? What are you planning to say to FIL to explain why YOU do not want him or his grandson there? You can't leave this up to your DH to do - and it is very likely to cause a huge family rift. Telling your FIL you do not want him in your house is rarely going to go down well.

4 month old children are not terrifically interesting to anyone other than their parents. Presumably SIL lives fairly locally and the two cousins will grow up together. Isn't it in everyone's best interests for you to develop a little tolerance of your DHs family?

Denimwithdenim00 · 15/06/2015 12:33

Sorry op can't stop snorting with laughter at your first post. You are honest I will say that for you. Don't mince your words!

All 18 month old toddlers are a massive pain in the arse and generally only acceptable to their parents as will your sweet little 4 month old very soon.

You need to unclench and relax for ll your sakes.

The biting back was generally acceptable a generation ago. My Df did it to ds. Wasn't happy but you know what he never bit again!

You have just about started being a parent. Don't feel qualified to judge others further down the line to you. Otherwise you do run the risk of having to eat your words in the future.

We all did it but you feel a massive twat when you realise how much much harder parenthood gets from the newborn stage. Wink

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 15/06/2015 12:37

My 18 month old is lovely, sweet and funny. She's also loud, boisterous and a pain in the arse! That's what 18 month olds are like. I am genuinely Shock at you disliking a baby.
There isn't all that much attention you can pay to a 4mo is there? A cuddle, a smile or 2 and jangle a few toys at them?
YABU. And very PFB.

Denimwithdenim00 · 15/06/2015 12:41

I would like to read a post from the sil.Wink

notaplasaticgnome · 15/06/2015 12:44

My sympathies are entirely with your ILs I'm afraid. You sound impossible to please.

Hmmm2014 · 15/06/2015 12:57

Why can't you be parted from your DS at all? At 4 months it should be possible for your DH to do some caring for the child that you are BOTH parents to....

You sound as though you just want to be in control of everything, and everyone, all of the time.

QuintShhhhhh · 15/06/2015 12:59

I suspect MIL is just using you as a venue to get out of her house.

Lorgy · 15/06/2015 13:00

To be fair to the OP I took a dislike to my friends 18 month old who repeatedly hurt my pfb. She never disciplined him and when I tried would roll eyes etc. I would never allow any of my kids to behave the way he did when they were toddlers.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 15/06/2015 13:09

Lorgy that was your friends fault, not the childs.

Hexenbiest · 15/06/2015 13:15

Can you not all pop over to theirs - taking own transport so you can leave when you want after an hour or so - during day at weekends?

So you can do it during day time when convenient to your DC routine but have your DH as a buffer as well.

When my DC were young it felt like IL had very little interest in our DC - often TBH felt like they were competing for our attention when they visited - that was even with toddlers doing stuff and it annoyed the hell out of me.

I focused on the DC and DH and I both learnt to insist that DC sleep, were picked up or fed when they needed and not let IL dictated what happened or ignore their need end up with grumpy kids - which mostly works.

Now the DC are definite people they are so much better - and quite fun. So don't count FIL out yet.

I do understand that the 18 month probably seems huge to you - but they are very young still so think your being very unreasonable there as well.

NRomanoff · 15/06/2015 13:44

Yabu completely. I can't believe your dh isn't allowed to care for his child , alone, or that you dislike a baby.

I suspect that your fil isn't that bad as you seem very intolerant to other people. Simple fact it that they are you husbands family and you are setting yourself up for a major falling out with your dh, especially if he doesn't agree with you.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 15/06/2015 14:07

theres no law that you have to like other peoples children, no matter what age they are!

OP is perfectly entitled to not like someone - stop making her out to be horrible because she doesnt like an 18month old

Nanny0gg · 15/06/2015 14:11

OP is perfectly entitled to not like someone - stop making her out to be horrible because she doesnt like an 18month old

I can understand not being especially bothered by toddlers, but to actively dislike one, imo, takes some doing.

So I do think it's a horrible attitude. And she'll be very hurt if a member of her family feels that way about her PFB. Like her FiL for example...

00100001 · 15/06/2015 14:20

dragon "OP is perfectly entitled to not like someone - stop making her out to be horrible because she doesnt like an 18month old"

yes, she is, but she can't then complain that her FIL doesn't like her PFB!

Secretescape · 15/06/2015 14:23

How premature was your baby? I think this may make all the difference to how you are feeling and responding to this situation.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 15/06/2015 14:31

Yse she will be hurt if someone doesnt like her child - but thats life. So long as she makes the effort not to treat him differently and is not "rude, insulting, childish and unpleasant to be around" then i dont see a problem

RiverTam · 15/06/2015 14:45

Lots of people piling in on a new mum who had a premmie, and us obviously rather anxious and unsure. Way to go, MN Hmm.

OP, as it sounds like your DH is onboard with your feelings re FIL, I reckon you're fine to say no evening visits (I would have hated that). And you're also fine to find a noisy toddler too much, too. I would work on having your DH take the baby for a couple of hours.

00100001 · 15/06/2015 15:07

river
She asked if she was BU, and we are saying 'yes she is'!

00100001 · 15/06/2015 15:09

And also, she is saying it's fine for her to not to like a child, but is getting upset when ILs aren't fawning over hers :/

Losingmyreligion · 15/06/2015 15:18

Surely they'll only be visiting for a couple of hours? Is this an occasional visit or do they want to make it a regular thing?

ethelb · 15/06/2015 15:37

yes, she is, but she can't then complain that her FIL doesn't like her PFB!

I don't see OP complaining her FIL doesn't like his grandchild. In fact she is being quite matter of fact about it.

toomuchtooold · 15/06/2015 15:41

When my twins were 15 months, one of them bit the other on the cheek. Young toddlers are a bloody menace.

I think it's going to sound rude if you start stipulating to MiL when and how she can visit but could you visit her? Say you want to get used to getting out the house with the baby? Then you can pick your times.

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