Mil visiting AIBU to be so demanding?

[namechangeagaimm]

DS is 4 months. I'm a FTM. I'm not super-keen of my ILs, but we get on and I make an effort (I hate socialising and I'm a control freak). MIL wants to see baby, fair enough, but wants to visit in evenings so FIL can visit too. I hate FIL. He's rude, insulting, childish and unpleasant to be around. I've decided I shouldn't have to put up with him my own home. And to be honest, he's not at all interested in the baby, so he clearly doesn't really want to be here either.

MIL looks after her other grandchild (dh nephew) 2 days of the week she doesn't work. This child is 18 months and obviously boisterous and noisy. This upsets my DS. He was pre-term, so is quite small. Last time the other child was here he was so noisy etc my ds almost puked from crying so much. I guess I'm pfb, but it really distresses me! (this child's parents, sil, thinks it's OK to bite the child back as discipline for when he bites her, just one example of her parenting..) I'm afraid the child just puts my back up and I don't really like him :-(

Also, if Mil is here with her other grandchild, she has to pay attention to him, and she ignores my ds.

Anyway, before this post gets really out of control, I think she should make more effort to see my ds, without distractions (other child) and without FIL. (we'll still see him at family events, just not in my house). I'm not happy to be parted from my ds yet, so dh visiting them without me isn't really an option. I've said she can drop in any day, any time, so I don't think I'm being too unreasonable , but I'd rather she was on her own.
AIBU, pfb? Should I just suck it up? I feel like an idiot.

ImSoCoolNow how on earth could the mother of one 4 mo know what what she was going to do to in that situation? She can't have any idea what it would entail. I can't bloody manage it and I have a 4yo and 1yo. And have recently started sprouting grey hairs

Posts like yours make me wonder why there aren't more MILs posting about their unreasonable DILs.

beenwondering maybe there's a MILnet out there somewhere!!

:-D

Weelll some 18 mo are even more annoying than others. I have known at least one who was particularly prone to hitting other children and being a bit of an arse in general.

Also the difference between the GF not liking the baby and the OP not liking the toddler is that the GPs are wanting to visit the baby despite the GF apparently not liking him. OP is not demanding visits to see the 18mo.

Why do we sometimes have to spend time with people we don't like, Essexmummy? Because sometimes they are related to our spouses and, by default, our children, or sometimes we have to work with them, or encounter them in other formal or informal day-to-day situations, and making a scene about it, getting huffy, or making our dislike of them blatantly obvious isn't especially civilised or mature.

Have you genuinely never had to work with or spend time with someone who you didn't particularly like? If so, how did you handle it?

I think this is a situation that must be given time. You are new to motherhood, and eventually you'll see there isn't very much you can control..
Life goes on, and people tend to do as they wish.
You'll need to find a way of zoning out and coping really.
It isn't easy,but you have a long road ahead. Try and take a step back from now on, go with the flow a bit more.
It'll be okay.

What time do they come round?

What time does your baby go to bed?

I wouldn't be keen on evening visitors with a 4 month old as I used to do 6pm bath, 7pm bed.

If I had a visitor in that time, I'd leave them downstairs with DH while I calmly continued my routine upstairs.

Is that an option for you OP?

this other child is eighteeen months old. They are a baby. They aren't horrible, they aren't spiteful, they aren't nasty - they are a baby and in no way responsible for anything they do. In fact, if this child is being bitten by their parents, you really need to see them as a victim not a beast!!

If you dislike the parents for not managing perfectly normal 18mth old behaviour that's one thing. But don't blame the baby. Please. That's not fair. It's not reasonable.

Yanbu at all to not want to have to deal with someone being rude to you and it is perfectly ok to challenge rude people or demand that your husband stops his father from being rude to you. It's ok to say to your mother in law that it is clear her husband gets no pleasure from coming over and it's just upsetting to have him say

I think that at 4 months old, your child is old enough to spend an hour or two with his father without you there and you may want to think about working on your need to control your environment if you are starting to extend that to control over the child you and your husband share. Because that has the potential to make you very unhappy indeed.

I don't think you're an idiot, it's clear you feel genuinely upset by all this. I just think that you could change the way you see a few things and have a happier time of it.

How does your DH feel about your rather obvious dislike of his family? Does he get a say in any of this?
I think you're being extremely unfair on everyone, an 18 month old cannot help being noisy and boisterous - it's when they're being quiet that there's usually trouble! Your SIL parents as she sees fit - biting a child back isn't best practice and doesn't work, which she'll figure out soon enough but not really worthy of judgement or sad faces from you and if your MIL is kind enough to look after her GC then tou have to work round that for everyone's benefit, not just yours.
Agreed your FIL sounds like a knob and I would want to limit the time I spent with him but it's not entirely up to you is it? He's not your Dad.
YABU.

RubbishRobot yes she can't possibly know at this point however, I was trying to bring attention to the fact that at some point babies and children have to be in each other's company. OP, how often do you actually have this situation on your hands? Once a week? Twice? Is it really that difficult to suck it up for an hour or so now and again?

EssexMummy we have to spend time with peolje we don't like because we will not like everyone we meet in life and if we are related to them or work with them then you can't just announce "I don't like you do I'm not spending time with you."

How much undivided attention does a 4 month old need? Why is the nephew being a distraction a problem ? What will you do if you have another yourself and have to look at two children at the same time?

Well, I have to admit I do dislike some children but even I am surprised that an 18 month old has been described like this!

It's mean to say your fil can't come. Suck it up for the sake of your DH.

If this is for real

Wow

I think it is SIL you don't like.

Biting a baby back is and in my view (if true )

I think you need to compromise somewhere as it is unreasonable to stop a GP seeing their GC (unless there is some kind of abusive situation/something which compromises the safety of your child).

I would say MIL is welcome in the days as then your DS is at his best, most awake etc. If FIL wants to see him and you really can't cope with FIL in your house then you HAVE to either go to your FIL/MILs house with your DH and DC OR let your DH take the baby for an hour. If you breastfeed it's a brilliant excuse as he can take the baby round for an hour so you can get some rest then when your DS is hungry back he has to come.

I totally understand how an 18mo can seem very unruly and boisterous when you're only used to a 4mo. 4mo babies aren't that interesting to anyone other than their parents, they don't really do much and they don't need the eagle-eyed attention an older, mobile baby does. My dad wasn't really into our DD much, he wasn't really involved in my upbringing so was hesitant about babies and only now is getting better at interacting with a 5yo as you can chat to her (and she'll tell you what she wants to do). Doesn't excuse rude behaviour (my dad is lovely) but might explain the distance you're picking up.

I second the idea of going around to your MIL's when she doesn't have the other child, if possible, or or arranging a day out at the weekend maybe. If you can only see your MIL when she has the other child, why not go to a park or other toddler friendly activity, where your MIL could push your DS around and you interact with the older child. The outside space would reduce the noise and probably wear out the 18mo, if they had a nice little nap in the buggy afterwards, you and MIL could grab a quiet coffee

It's got to be hard being a MIL looking after an 18mo, they're hard work and you're not the parent.

OP, what are your expectations of how an 18mth old should be behaving? They are noisy and messy. Even the very best behaved 18mth old tantrums and shouts and whines and throws things, inc food. That is normal behaviour.

Is your house very orderly and tidy too? Do you worry about toddler germs etc? Letting go of these things will help you be less uptight as a parent and stress less when you find your 18mth old drinking toilet water or eating out of the bin!

Putting aside the fact you actively dislike a baby - honestly, you sound like incredibly hard work.

So to answer your questions.

AIBU? Yes.

pfb? Yes.

Should I just suck it up? Yes.

These people in your life are now your family, and aside from your FIL who may be a genuine bellend, they've done nothing wrong. They're not yours to make dance to your tune just because you birthed a baby.

I could have felt sympathy until you said you didnt like an 18 month old baby. Kids can be annoying and noisy. My DD is like it most of the time. But he's only little. You wait until your DS is 18 months, you're gonna feel like a right tit.

I can sympathise with being tired and grumpy about visitors when it is just you and 4 mo pfb. But this is a temp situation as your baby is growing up and your approach will change as that happens op. No mention has been made of your partner/ your baby's father. What does he want? Phaps fil would like to see his son if not the baby so much, fil may be more interested as baby becomes a child and able to talk etc.

I have nice and helpful and very well intentioned il's I have little in common with them but I facilitate their visits ensure they have plenty of quality time with their gc and dh and I because they are part of the family and it is not all about me. In turn dh put up with my mother (who I difficult and does a very poor job of hiding her dislike of dh) living with us for 4 months!

Family are going to want to visit when you have a baby, being accommodating without being a martyr is part of the duties involved I being part of a family. There is an element of suck it up involved unless you are extremely fortunate.
The toddler may well be annoying now but in 2 years might be angelic when you have a rampaging toddler of your own... Very hard to predict sometimes. So don't be too harsh in your thoughts on this child.

Just to add - if you tell her to drop in at any time you need to qualify this with her because that's not actually what you mean is it? You mean any time on her own - she's not a bloody mind reader, if you actually want her to visit on her own then you have to make it clear to her - tell her you'll be out on the days she has her other GC, go to a baby group or something. You can't expect everyone to tiptoe around you for no reason other than a massively unreasonable and unkind dislike of a child.