To not want MiL to see my DD?

[bluejeanswhiteshirt]

My ex's mum is a chainsmoking alcoholic who hasn't seen our 8 month old DD since the week after she was born due to her refusal not to smoke when she visits. She absolutely stinks of tobacco and gin and is a nasty person who hasn't even been in contact with her own mum and sister for 30 odd years because she is so selfish and stubborn.

My ex and I were completely happy that she wasn't in our lives anymore and I was relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about her being around DD when she's been smoking etc. so her stubborness has suited us well.

Anyway yesterday my ex dropped the bombshell that he wants his mum to see DD. His brother had made a drunken phonecall from Australia (where he lives) and said that we need to build bridges and that he's going to ring her and arrange for her to come round to my house (ex doesn't live here but he hasn't told anyone we're broken up). So now my ex has completely changed his tune and this horrible woman is going to be in DD's life and I feel so upset and anxious about the whole thing. I really don't want her around DD and I know for a fact she's going to want to take her for walks etc. and I can't do a thing about it. I feel like my ex has betrayed me in a way because his mum was literally horrible towards me when I was pregnant.

AIBU to not want her to see DD? Is there even anything I can do to stop it?

Just say NO!!!!!!

It really doesn't matter what any of them think of you. As long as you know in your heart that you're doing what's best for your dd, then who cares? Why would you agree to something that is detrimental to your dd just so you don't look like the bad guy? It is beyond me.
My dd comes first, always. I wouldn't care if a worthless alcoholic hated me, or a spineless ex.
You really need to inform his entire family that you are no longer together, and tell his mil to go jump and get access through the courts.

I know but I can't stop my ex seeing her and then he'll go behind my back to make sure DD has contact with her. At least at the moment I have a say in where contact happens and can be there to observe and monitor the situation.

You can stop your ex seeing dd if you believe he is doing something that is not good for her, especially if you have specifically asked him not to.
He can choose; see your dd, or choose his mother.
I am quite harsh I suppose. I have told the father of my unborn child that if he puts photos of of the child on any social networking sites he will be denied access to the child, as I've asked him specifically not to, and by going against my wishes, he would lose my trust.
I am lucky that the father of my dd is an amazing dad and we get on well, so can always discuss issues decently and calmly and compromise. Thankfully he's not a completely spineless arsehole like your ex.
I wish you luck.

Can you actually deny the child access to the Father if he puts pictures on his FB, I mean, would a court think that was a reasonable reaction?
He may well want to put pictures up that family can see, you keep your settings tight and what's the problem.
You can't just stop him seeing his DD because you don't approve of something unless it's harmful and even then you would need to go through the courts.

I can until he removes them. If he wants any family to see pictures, he can e-mail them. And if his family want to actually see the child, they can.
I don't agree with people plastering their kids all over Facebook etc, but it's each to their own, unless it's my child. I don't believe that putting photos of someone on the internet without their permission is acceptable, or good for them. So I won't have anyone put photos of my child online. My child, my choice.
Settings tight or not, once a photo is online, anyone can download it, or access it with the right bit of knowhow.

I will state that there are in fact many reasons that the father needs to prove himself btw.

His child his choice.

The pretence is that your all a happy family when your not. Honestly who gives a flying fuck what anybody else think? Who do you want to think you are innocent? You are a grown woman and you do what's best for you child regardless what any one thinks. This is why I think you need to grow up a bit. Your still bothered what people will think of you. You should just focus on the fact you will not allow a alcoholic vile woman who refuses not to smoke near your baby in your home.

Just because she is his mother it does not afford her automatic rights over your child. If it was just a friend of his doing all this would you still STFU and roll over.

Tbh he doesn't sound very stable or fair.

I hate it when men dip in and out of women's lives dictating what they have to do. I'd tell them both to get to fuck. Let him go through the courts as he sounds like he hasn't got his shit together and neither has his mother - you hold more cards here than you think

With a past of drug dependence, alcohol dependence, and various other issues, including his relationship with his daughter, my child, my choice I'm afraid. Like I said, I have reasons for him needing to prove himself to be trustworthy with one of the two most important and precious things in the world to me.

I agree with Tequila with regards to your issues op. You need to do what is best for your daughter.
But if your ex is not reasonable enough to discuss this properly, and you don't feel you can tell them to go jump, and if you think you can be in control of the situation if you're present, maybe it might be a case of giving her and him enough rope to hang themselves though.

Well now you see you didn't mention he was drug dependant and alcoholic did you, you said you wouldn't allow him to put pictures on FB and if he did you would withhold your child's access to her Father and his to her.
You said earlier he is not allowed to take the child to his own Father's house where he also lives because it is smoky and dirty, not because there was substance abuse going on.
Look, I have three DC and a DGD, no one wants alcoholic people or drug addled idiots looking after their kids but you chose him, he's the father of your joint children/child.
I'd be inclined to let them visit at my house while I was there at least until I was happy they were capable of looking after her properly.
I would suck it up with grace even if I hated them because sooner or later she will have a relationship with her other family members whether you like it or not and it's best if you have a working one with them too.

I have told him he can visit the child at my house as often as he likes, every day, every weekend, whatever. I absolutely believe a child should know their parents, both of them. And I have no problems with his family also seeing the child as much as they like.
I have also told him though, that if I believe at any point that I believe he is drug or alcohol dependent at any point, he will need to prove to me that I am wrong before he can see dc. However, that is only if I truly believe it. It's not something I will throw out whenever I'm pissed off about something. I am all about being civil, and doing what is best for the child, and that to me is knowing both parents and having a relationship with both parents.

As for the op, I agree with wreckingball about having a working relationship (if it's possible). But whatever you do, obviously make sure your dd is safe at all times.

Personally op, its hard to reason with you when you say you 'have' to do stuff when you don't. At least be honest and sasy you are going to allow it to make your life easy, just like your ex is. You have choices, and control... But you won't exert your control or make hard choices.