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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MiL to see my DD?

111 replies

bluejeanswhiteshirt · 14/06/2015 07:55

My ex's mum is a chainsmoking alcoholic who hasn't seen our 8 month old DD since the week after she was born due to her refusal not to smoke when she visits. She absolutely stinks of tobacco and gin and is a nasty person who hasn't even been in contact with her own mum and sister for 30 odd years because she is so selfish and stubborn.

My ex and I were completely happy that she wasn't in our lives anymore and I was relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about her being around DD when she's been smoking etc. so her stubborness has suited us well.

Anyway yesterday my ex dropped the bombshell that he wants his mum to see DD. His brother had made a drunken phonecall from Australia (where he lives) and said that we need to build bridges and that he's going to ring her and arrange for her to come round to my house (ex doesn't live here but he hasn't told anyone we're broken up). So now my ex has completely changed his tune and this horrible woman is going to be in DD's life and I feel so upset and anxious about the whole thing. I really don't want her around DD and I know for a fact she's going to want to take her for walks etc. and I can't do a thing about it. I feel like my ex has betrayed me in a way because his mum was literally horrible towards me when I was pregnant.

AIBU to not want her to see DD? Is there even anything I can do to stop it?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/06/2015 21:25

You can say 'no' though, jeans. DD lives with you and there are no court papers. It's whether or not it's worth saying no, iyswim. As it stands, he comes to yours to see her so it's not like he's taking her out anyway.

What do you think he would do? Would he snatch her and walk out? Would he storm off? Would he grumble but do nothing?

You need to see if you can decide what he would do if you said "Your mother is not welcome in my home and you are not taking DD out of this house because I can't trust you not to take her to your mother's" and base your decision on that.

The reverse would be if you were to permit his mother to see her where you supervise contact. Either at yours or out in public. That way you could either ask her to leave or leave yourself if she began to behave inappropriately.

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 14/06/2015 21:53

To be honest I think this is going to end up getting messy. He's said I'm making drama out of nothing and he wants what's best for DD aka having grandparents so he wants nothing to do with me trying to make life harder due to the fact that I'm 'making a big deal out of it'.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 14/06/2015 21:59

If I said no he would probably take her anyway because that's what his mum will be telling him to do. I can't believe he's changed his mind about her so quickly, literally last weekend he was slagging her off!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/06/2015 22:12

If you really think he would pick her up and walk out of your house with her against your wishes, then I do think it's time to see a solicitor. Because today it may be his mother, tomorrow it may be something else that pisses him off. He refuses to discuss this issue, so he'll refuse to discuss things in the future. Parental disagreements (even in good marriages) require compromise and discussion. It's even more important when the parents have split up.

IIRC, absent court orders each parent has equal parental responsibility. That means that, once he has her in his possession, he is just as entitled to keep her with him as you are. Imagine if dear mother (bleah) were to tell him that HE should have her full time, not you, and that she will help him take care of her! Without papers in place, there will be nothing you can do to get DD back without a protracted court battle. Better nip it in the bud and get things legal now.

Hippymama1 · 14/06/2015 22:28

I agree with PPs that it is a good idea to get the access and parental responsibility stuff sorted out with a solicitor - might not help you in the short term with this specific situation but will certainly help in the future.

If you think Ex might take DD to see his DM anyway, then you could always try to go along with it and see what happens, subject to HIS rules, e.g. no smoking within one hour of seeing DD and not reeking of fags when she turns yup.

At least then it will be happening in your house so you have some element of control over it. With a bit of luck his DM will continue with her previous form and either not turn up or will turn up stinking / smoking and then Ex can sort it all out. It might only take one occasion of bad behaviour to remind him how awful she is too...

I agree with the previous poster who suggested that you contact BiL and tell him to wind his neck in too - it's alright for him sending orders from 12,000 miles away!

Mermaidhair · 15/06/2015 02:27

It sounds to me like he is wearing "rose coloured glasses". He is liking the idea of a good grandparent in your dds life. Unfortunately she sounds the opposite.

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 15/06/2015 08:27

He definitely is wearing rose tinted glasses, he'll soon remember how mental she is I'm sure. Apparently she didn't even call last night and he didn't call her either so she obviously doesn't care about seeing DD anyway.

OP posts:
Hippymama1 · 15/06/2015 08:44

If she didn't call then leave it be and see what happens... Get your access and residence stuff sorted out for DD though - this sounds like a situation that might come back again...

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 15/06/2015 09:40

Thank you. I will sort it out, not sure where to even start though. I thought one day we might be able to get back together and be a family again but I don't evem recognise him anymore (not just because of this).

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 15/06/2015 10:39

My XH's family were like this. It was all about being seen to be a loving family but in reality they did not give a shit. Do you think BIL was pissed when he had this amazing idea ? Maybe say - I'm fine with it, tell her to ring when she wants to come round. As I suspect she really can't be arsed.

Hippymama1 · 15/06/2015 10:59

Sorry to be blunt here blue but he has shown you who he considers to be his family over the last couple of days... You need to protect DD and ensure that this type of situation will be under control in the future.

Check out the legal boards - I'm sure there will be fine good advice there on where to start.

Good luck with everything.

AlternativeTentacles · 15/06/2015 11:14

If she calls you simply tell her that you are not with her son anymore and she maybe needs to discuss why he is scared to tell anyone that you have split up. And by the way, no, not in your house!

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 15/06/2015 12:00

He was pissed when he called her. It was 3am their time and him and SiL were drunk and talking crap, me and DD had to go out and ex stayed on the phone to them so they will have seen it as a perfect opportunity to stick their nose in our business because they know my ex would ask how high if they told him to jump.

I've been considering acting absolutely fine with it just so my ex can't say I'm being unreasonable and I think it will piss everyone off even more if I'm nice about things.

I've told him to tell everyone we're over. He's living a lie and so am I to some extent.

OP posts:
0x530x610x750x630x79 · 15/06/2015 12:06

my first call would be to your ex brother in law, tell him yourself you have split up and that "that" woman is not allowed in your house.

redshoeblueshoe · 15/06/2015 12:49

Does xMil even know about this ? Do you think she wants to see DD or would be happy to go along with this just to piss you off ? If I could go back in time one thing I would change is I wouldn't let them treat me and the DC's like crap - or let them get to me. I second pp who suggested getting legal advice.

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 15/06/2015 12:59

MiL doesn't know a thing. She just thinks I'm a complete cow because I asked her not to smoke at my house when I was pregnant and again when DD was first born. How unreasonable of me!

She cut half of her family out of her life and refuses to make amends so I'm hoping to god she takes the same approach with us. I think my ex is more keen on rebuilding the relationship than she is which I still find bizarre.

When I was pregnant I promised myself that I wouldn't let this woman control me and take over the way she does with everyone else and I stuck to my guns. This is the same woman who tried making BiL in oz change their DD's name and when they refused MiL said that SiL had PND! They have very short memories.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 15/06/2015 13:07

Sounds like the first thing you need to do is make your ex a bit more "ex" if you see what I mean?
He is still taking phone calls at your house etc, time to move on and start a life without him.

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 15/06/2015 13:18

I couldn't agree more Hopping. He's been having the best of both worlds for a while now and I need to make my own life like you say.

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 15/06/2015 13:28

Blue - this is actually reminding me of what fucking twats idiots my x's family are. I know its not funny - but seriously she wanted BIL to change his DD's name - words fail me. Maybe you should ring BIL and ask after daughter by the name his mummy wanted to call her. I know its early but I think you deserve this Wine

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 15/06/2015 13:43

Thank you red Grin that did amuse me. He's had a lucky escape from her living in Australia and that's where I would have headed to as well if she was my mother.

When my mum died a couple of years ago she bought me a BLACK christmas card (a month later) and wrote inside that I'll never enjoy christmas ever again. Apparently I was 'too sensitive' after this made me break down in tears in front of the whole family. And ex says I'm the one who's insane!

OP posts:
Hippymama1 · 15/06/2015 14:00

God blue! She sounds like a complete nutter!

Not sure if you are aware but there is a thread on here for people with toxic relations and family... You might find it helpful for support? It's the Stately Homes thread.

redshoeblueshoe · 15/06/2015 14:03

She really is vile isn't she. Sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Please try not to let this upset you. I honestly don't think she will make the effort. After all she hasn't rung yet.

NameChange30 · 15/06/2015 14:06

You need to be more assertive with your ex. He's an ex for a reason and you need to stop letting him come to your house and call the shots. Start saying no to him! He doesn't get to dictate what happens in your life any more.

If he won't tell his family you've split up, tell them yourself.

Why do you care so much what they think of you? They sound like a bunch of dysfunctional fuckwits. Stop wasting your mental energy on them and focus on you and your daughter.

LumpyCustard69 · 15/06/2015 16:27

I would ban her from my house, and my life, and tell the ex to start acting like an ex.
I would arrange set times and days for his contact with dd.

I have told the father of my baby (I'm 30weeks) that he can see the child as much as he likes, on my terms. I will never let him take the child to his house where he and his father smoke indoors and it is utterly filthy.

I have also told him that if at any point I believe him to be using drugs or alcohol dependant, I will stop access immediately until he can prove otherwise. I would tell your mil she needs to do the same before you allow her time with your most precious thing in the whole world!

yanbu!!!

MrsDeVere · 15/06/2015 18:46

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