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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MiL to see my DD?

111 replies

bluejeanswhiteshirt · 14/06/2015 07:55

My ex's mum is a chainsmoking alcoholic who hasn't seen our 8 month old DD since the week after she was born due to her refusal not to smoke when she visits. She absolutely stinks of tobacco and gin and is a nasty person who hasn't even been in contact with her own mum and sister for 30 odd years because she is so selfish and stubborn.

My ex and I were completely happy that she wasn't in our lives anymore and I was relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about her being around DD when she's been smoking etc. so her stubborness has suited us well.

Anyway yesterday my ex dropped the bombshell that he wants his mum to see DD. His brother had made a drunken phonecall from Australia (where he lives) and said that we need to build bridges and that he's going to ring her and arrange for her to come round to my house (ex doesn't live here but he hasn't told anyone we're broken up). So now my ex has completely changed his tune and this horrible woman is going to be in DD's life and I feel so upset and anxious about the whole thing. I really don't want her around DD and I know for a fact she's going to want to take her for walks etc. and I can't do a thing about it. I feel like my ex has betrayed me in a way because his mum was literally horrible towards me when I was pregnant.

AIBU to not want her to see DD? Is there even anything I can do to stop it?

OP posts:
Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 14/06/2015 16:06

He's just said that if she agrees to not smoke within an hour of seeing DD and doesn't turn up smelling of smoke then she can see her. This puts me in an awkward position because I know for a fact she won't adhere to this and I know she'll smell of smoke so I'm gunna have to be the bad guy and ruin this little reunion. I don't know whether he's just being naive or just doesn't care anymore

OP posts:
WoonerismSpit · 14/06/2015 16:24

Why aren't you telling anyone that you've split up?!

Hippymama1 · 14/06/2015 16:46

Surely if he has made the new rules - not smoke within an hour of seeing DD and doesn't turn up smelling of smoke - then it is up to him to police it with his DM? There is no reason for you to be the bad guy...

It's your house. You hold all the cards here OP - your Ex doesn't even live with you and is making rules about your house and expecting you to adhere to them? Just say no if you are not comfortable with the rules he has made - he should have discussed and agreed them with you first, so if he doesn't like it then tough.

Why hasn't he told anyone that you have split up?

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/06/2015 16:51

There's no way she can do it. unless the outfit is bought and put on new straight from shop and she showers at the local swimming pool she's going to stink regardless of whether she's smoked or not.

your just going to have to turn your phone off Sad

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 14/06/2015 17:39

I've told my family but he hasn't told his because I think he wants to keep up this pretence that everything's fine and that we're happy etc. He's classing it more as a break than anything.

He says that having her grandparents in her life is what's best for DD whereas I disagree. He's dead set on letting this woman into our lives again and I can't stand it. He says I'm making my own life harder and that if I want to be happy then I can just change my views on the whole thing. How??

OP posts:
AnyoneForTennis · 14/06/2015 17:43

Well I kind of agree with him

You'll lose control of the situation once everyone knows you've split up. He can take your dc out for his access time and meet up with her then. Nothing you can do

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 14/06/2015 17:52

You agree with which part?

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 14/06/2015 17:57

Blue - what would he do/think if you said you would tell his mum that you've split up ? Does his brother even know ?

AnyoneForTennis · 14/06/2015 17:58

You are making your life harder,that bit. Because you will be if you drive yourself crazy setting him rules and regs about who he takes dd to see. It's not ideal, but until courts can enforce parents not letting kids come in contact with smokers, you aren't going to get far

Starlightbright1 · 14/06/2015 18:11

TO be honest..This is not the sort of woman I would want around my baby...However....As Ex seems set on it I would allow contact...She is likely to continue in the same way as before and it will be obvious. This also gives you a chance to set ground rules while you have DD with you. It also gives your Ex chance to see she hasn't changed..

Why does brother think she should have contact? All I can say in your Ex's defense is my mum is a complete bitch. I have gone back too many times to mention in the hope she has changed . I am frequently disappointed but it took me till I was in my 40's to figure out nothing was going to change.

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 14/06/2015 18:13

His brother in oz doesn't know and to be honest I don't think he would even care if I said I would tell everyone. I think she's going to be in DD's live whether I like it or not, I just have to try and deal with it but I'm really struggling.

I know I can't do anything so I should just try and accept it to make my life easier but its not as simple as that. I can't put into words how crazy this woman is and he's the first one to say so, buy he wants to forgive and forget.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/06/2015 18:21

Two issues here;

  1. You have the absolute right to deny this woman entry into your house. End of. It's not your fault that Ex wants to pretend 'Happy Families' and hasn't told them you've split. That's his problem. I'd tell him that she's not allowed in your home and that the fallout is his problem, not yours.
  1. You can't control Ex taking DD to see his mother if there is a court order giving him 'alone time' with DD. At least until (God forbid) something happens to give you legal grounds to say that his mother is either not to be around DD or that DD isn't to be left alone with her.

As unpleasant as it is, I don't know if just stinking of smoke or smelling of liquor is enough to get her banned, but I'd expect not. I think she'd have to behave inappropriately, iyswim. Does she have any type of police record regarding drunkenness? Perhaps a domestic call, DWI, or public drunkenness citation? That may be a starting point.

Now, if there is no court order granting him 'alone time' then you could theoretically refuse to allow him to take DD anywhere. But that could open a kettle of fish that you may not want opened.

5Foot5 · 14/06/2015 18:34

Not sure I have any advice to give but, in your shoes, I would be ringing the brother in Oz and giving him a very, very strongly worded piece of my mind. He has absolutely no right to be interfering in your life and making these arrangements behind your back. I think phrases like "How dare you", "meddling little shit" and "if you care so much for your alcoholic pain of a mother why do you live on the other side of the world from her" would be among the ones used

redshoeblueshoe · 14/06/2015 18:49

Yy 5Foot5

contractor6 · 14/06/2015 18:54

Cant you suggest that ex building a relationship with his mum first, then introduce mil into relationship with dd. Risk that it works but sounds like she isn't person to put effort in long term

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 14/06/2015 18:55

There's no court order and he never takes her out on his own, he's never wanted to. I obviously couldn't say no if he did want to though.

His mum doesn't have a police record or anything against her really but she is aggressive when drunk and is very, very nasty even when she isn't. Her other 3 sons barely see her.

I really do want to give his brother a piece of my mind but I'm already in the wrong in my ex's eyes for not being happy about his mum coming back into our lives so I don't want to make things worse.

I suffer quite badly with postnatal anxiety and he makes me think that I'm an idiot and like I don't have a voice, especially in this situation.

It's almost 7 and she hasn't called yet apparently.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 14/06/2015 19:04

Sounds like her sons are dominated by her. The brother needs to back off, who your Dd sees is nothing to do with him. Get your ex to tell him.

She needs to be sober if she is to see dd. That's the only thing you can really insist on I think. Smelling of smoke may be unpleasant but it's not actually harmful. If she had bad BO, you couldn't really use that as a reason either. But smoking near or drinking heavily around your Dd is not going to be allowed.

If she is an alcoholic then she will fall down on these rules really quickly, at which time you can call a halt for your DDs health, safety and wellbeing.

FantasticButtocks · 14/06/2015 19:08

Do you think if your ex was with his M and witnessed any unpleasantness around dd, he would be prepared to protect boundaries and call a halt? Or is he too scared of his mum?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/06/2015 19:13

Just say no.

For the time being it appears you do not need to fret about him taking the child to her and when you do you just cross that bridge.

It is perfectly possible to get a court order prohibiting a parent from taking the child certain places or to see certain people but obviously each case is individual and based on merit

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 14/06/2015 19:15

He acts like she has no control over him but deep down I know she can do no wrong in his eyes. You're completely right when you say her sons are dominated by her, she still thinks she can control their lives even though they all have their own lives and all live at least 2 hours away from her (unfortunately me and DD live 20 mins away). If anything happened he wouldn't put an end to the contact. Once he gets something into his head there's no going back so I know he won't change his mind on this. His reasoning is because he wants an easy life but he's making his life much more difficult by letting her see our DD. He's said so many times how he's happy that we don't see her and that DD is better off without her so his arse of a brother has definitely got into his head.

OP posts:
beanmor · 14/06/2015 19:23

A way to kill 2 birds with the one brick. Get your ex to hell his mother you 2 have split and the reason was that you had a fling and the baby isn't his. He gets a noble reason for splitting and she won't want see your kid.

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 14/06/2015 19:25

Oh and MiL also told ex a few months ago that I'm never allowed to set foot in her house again as I'm not welcome, but ex and DD are allowed. Yeah right.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 14/06/2015 19:29

Ok. Having now read that she is very nasty, even when sober. I would just say to him No, I am not going to allow our dd to be in the presence of a toxic, stinky alcoholic just so you can have an easy life. If he thinks that's for the wellbeing of his child, he can take you to court over it, see what the judge thinks. Just refuse. The onus is on him if he wants to force the issue. Bur I don't expect he'd get far.

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 14/06/2015 20:58

He's now refusing to talk to me because he thinks I need to stop talking about it and let it go. He has no idea why I'm upset and worried about this. I don't understand him.

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 14/06/2015 21:09

What a knob. Anyway if he won't talk to you he can't make arrangements.
You could just say "of course its OK" because it doesn't sound like they could organise it between them. I certainly wouldn't let her in my house if you are banned from hers. How can he think that is reasonable Grr - on your behalf. Flowers