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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MiL to see my DD?

111 replies

bluejeanswhiteshirt · 14/06/2015 07:55

My ex's mum is a chainsmoking alcoholic who hasn't seen our 8 month old DD since the week after she was born due to her refusal not to smoke when she visits. She absolutely stinks of tobacco and gin and is a nasty person who hasn't even been in contact with her own mum and sister for 30 odd years because she is so selfish and stubborn.

My ex and I were completely happy that she wasn't in our lives anymore and I was relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about her being around DD when she's been smoking etc. so her stubborness has suited us well.

Anyway yesterday my ex dropped the bombshell that he wants his mum to see DD. His brother had made a drunken phonecall from Australia (where he lives) and said that we need to build bridges and that he's going to ring her and arrange for her to come round to my house (ex doesn't live here but he hasn't told anyone we're broken up). So now my ex has completely changed his tune and this horrible woman is going to be in DD's life and I feel so upset and anxious about the whole thing. I really don't want her around DD and I know for a fact she's going to want to take her for walks etc. and I can't do a thing about it. I feel like my ex has betrayed me in a way because his mum was literally horrible towards me when I was pregnant.

AIBU to not want her to see DD? Is there even anything I can do to stop it?

OP posts:
Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 15/06/2015 19:40

She has her favourites but I've never been one of them even before this whole feud started, not that I'm complaining.

Fingers crossed I never have to deal with her and that I am just getting worked up over nothing. Told my ex how I feel with regards to him needing to act more like an ex and he says I'm making things about me again and causing drama. That's his answer to everything.

He makes me feel like I don't know my own mind and that I'm not capable of having feelings. If I ever got upset he would get angry and if I was eve. worried he would ignore me. He once said that most other men would have left me when my mum died but he stayed. Does he want a medal?! He makes me so angry.

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redshoeblueshoe · 15/06/2015 19:51

What a cunting bastard. How fucking dare he ? You need to get strong. Trust your instincts, trust yourself.

MrsDeVere · 15/06/2015 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spadequeen · 15/06/2015 20:12

You could always tell his family yourself that you've split. Stop allowing him to make the decisions, you are not with him anymore, start acting like it

Oh and yanbu, she sounds like a nutter. I never understand why people insist that children need grandparents, not ones like that they don't.

Hippymama1 · 15/06/2015 20:13

Bloody hell blue your ex sounds like a complete waste of space. My ex acted like I should be grateful he stayed with me after my Father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. what kind of arsehole makes that kind of situation about them?! He sounds as unhinged as his mother. Run for the hills lovely and take DD with you!

(metaphorically and with the advice of a solicitor of course.)

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 15/06/2015 20:37

I don't know why but I always thought he was one of the good guys, the genuine kind who will always be there no matter what but I realise that he took advantage of me when I was at my most vulnerable after my mum died and he knew I needed him at that time. But I realise he's just as stubborn, offensive and crazy as his mum is, out of all 4 brothers I'd say he's the most like her. I don't claim to be all innocent because I've not been perfect either but I have been through a hell of a lot over the past couple of years. He used to understand but now it's like he has no tolerance to my emotional needs whatsoever.

I think I'll be single for the rest of my life at this rate.

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morethanpotatoprints · 15/06/2015 20:42

I would just say no, no, and no again.
Your ex needs to tell his family he is an ex and I agree with you, he needs to start acting like one.
If she smokes and drinks and is unsafe round your baby then you are withing your rights to refuse to see her.

NameChange30 · 15/06/2015 21:23

Your ex sounds emotionally abusive. No wonder you find it hard to stick up for him. But well done for ending the relationship! Things can only get better from now on.

Try not to worry about being alone, it might be hard at first but I'm sure when you get used to it you'll feel much better than you ever did with him. You may find someone else when you're ready but just take some time for yourself for now.

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 15/06/2015 23:00

I think he was emotionally abusive but I'm not sure whether he was doing it on purpose or not. His mind works in very weird ways and not many people understand his sense of humour, me included to be honest.

I feel glad to have gotten rid.

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beanmor · 16/06/2015 01:20

I think you thought he was joking when he was really being serious. He sounds like a nutter. I will pray for you. God loves most, those who suffer.

Jenny70 · 16/06/2015 04:38

I think MIL's life will be much simpler to drink, smoke and complain she's been "banned" from seeing her beloved grandchild than actually to clean up and make the effort to see her. Since DD hasn't been going out with ex, I would drop references to MIL, and if ex brings it up - say she's welcome to come sober and not smoking. She never will.

As for ex, you need some boundaries in place, either formal parenting agreement or at least something now that separates your relationship from his role as a father. Is he contacting you about when he's coming over? Is he sticking to a reliable time of contact, or just breezing in and out of your place? Start with that, he gets time on XYZ days/times, at the moment you may choose to be there too as you are the primary caretaker and her "voice" - but your DD will be growing up and it would be reasonable for him to have his own time with her.

Cast your mind forward to things like nurseries, choice of schools etc. Birthdays, holidays etc. Not everything needs working out now, but these things will need to be addressed.

Even if you consider reconsiling down the track, having these boundaries when you're separated makes them realise you aren't just at their beck and call - if you're together you're together 100%, if you are separated, your relationship is 0 - your parenting is shared, but his family, his problems, his needs - not your problem.

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 16/06/2015 09:40

Great advice Jenny, thank you.

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Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 22/06/2015 19:19

She called Sad she wants contact and will be seeing DD next week. I don't know what to do.

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averythinline · 22/06/2015 19:26

Just say no not convenient...why do you have to jump to her tune? She has no rights over your dd or you....
I think you need to get legal advice and say no until you've had it...

LumpyCustard69 · 22/06/2015 19:58

Say no. Or if you don't feel you can, then maybe go out with dd to a park, or another relative's house or something for a couple of hours?

nellieellie · 22/06/2015 20:04

You could go to a cafe. Cafes do not have smoking areas any more - banned under smoke free legislation. Or you could offer your house on the basis that it is smoke free. Or you could say no, not convenient at the moment. As a single parent, you do not have time. If you do see her though! have a friend with you, or trusted relative who would be supportive if you do let her see your baby. Also might be a useful witness if it all goes pear shaped and you do not want her to see DC again.

Bambambini · 22/06/2015 20:47

Sounds like he is doing this to get at you, nothing to do with his mother.

Bambambini · 22/06/2015 20:49

If she does come to yours or you meet at a cafe, any way you can tape the exchange?

Tequilashotfor1 · 22/06/2015 21:06

op in a nice way I think you both need to grow up.

This pretence thing you have got going is really immature.

Your mil doesn't have super human powers and niether does your ex. This woman has been vile to you and yet you are expected to share your most precious baby with her. Your ex is really weak, he is showing you he doesn't give a fuck about how you have been treated or how you feel about things. He has had a change of heart now so your expected to shut the fuck up and do what he says.

Why are you giving them both so much power over you.

You actually don't need to let either of them in your home. Ever. Why are you even considering getting back with a man who cares so little about you? How can that be healthy for your daughter?

Get your mamma bear on and tell him 'no - she isn't fucking coming. If she turns up she won't get in through the door.

You hold more cards here than you think. If he persists tell him not to bother coming either and he can go through the courts for an arrangement which he won't do or get because of his living arrangements.

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 22/06/2015 21:25

Tequila what do you mean by pretence?

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Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 22/06/2015 21:29

I don't want to say no because then they'll all turn on me and I'll be made out to be the bitch rather than his mum. I know that sounds stupid but I kinda want him to think that his mum is the innocent one here because that would make my life much more difficult. He says he's doing what's best for DD by letting her see her grandparents and actually explained it as him 'doing the best he can for DD' - what the fuck? Why would introducing her to the smoky devil be good for her?

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Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 22/06/2015 21:30

That was supposed to say that I don't want him to think that his mum is the innocent one.

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paulapompom · 22/06/2015 22:15

But she in Not the innocent one, she won't stop smoking around her grand daughter, I think pp suggestions of meeting in a cafe is excellent. You are not stopping her, but she won't do it because of the smoking issue. I do think it needs to come out that you are no longer together. I don't think that is helping the mil situation, and it's putting more strain on you x

averythinline · 23/06/2015 08:19

so what if your made out to be a bitch by them ? as you say she's so horrible hardly anyone has anything to do with her and he's your ex

my mil is an alcoholic and is very aware in her sober times that she will not see ds when shes been drinking and for that very reason she hasn't seen him since last august...yes its a shame that they don't have a relationship but we're the parents we decide- we talked to Al-anon and AA and tried to help/support but ultimately we think that it is not good for ds to see a pissed and raving granny

It is harder for you as your ex is not supporting you but at the end of the day he is not choosing what is best for your dd ....Sad

Original poster
bluejeanswhiteshirt · 23/06/2015 09:10

He really isn't choosing what's best for her and it makes me so angry that he's too stubborn to see that. She stopped him seeing her parents when he was growing up so he never knew his grandparents and therefore resents her for it. He's worried DD would do the same I think.

I'm literally dreading seeing her. She'll come round with loads of old tat for DD that she's bought from the carboot sale as usual and act like nothing happened. Ex says that I'm just going to have to deal with the fact that I don't like her and she doesn't like me. He didn't like her up until very recently and was the first to say so!

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