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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH reading my posts

40 replies

ilikebaking · 13/06/2015 22:40

This is a weird one,
I currently check the computers history daily (DH porn issue) and found out my DH has been logging on here and rereading my threads. As far as I know it was just once, but he reread all the threads I have started and maybe the ones I have contributed to as well...
I find this unacceptable, he doesn't seem to agree. I don't know. I feel violated.

OP posts:
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 13/06/2015 22:43

So... You check to see what he has been looking at, but feel uneasy when he checks what you have been looking at?

Something doesn't seem right here.

WorraLiberty · 13/06/2015 22:45

I don't understand how you can check his history but he can't check yours?

fiveacres · 13/06/2015 22:45

I know what you mean, and I don't think the two things are comparable. DH luckily doesn't really understand Mumsnet.

Totality22 · 13/06/2015 22:45

Sounds like a very trusting relationship!!

fiveacres · 13/06/2015 22:45

Because the OP hasn't been downloading porn!

ShatnersBassoon · 13/06/2015 22:45

If you're checking his internet use, it's only fair that he can have a look at yours I suppose.

Bair · 13/06/2015 22:45

I love how he's clever enough to find your threads but not to use incognito mode, apparently.

You look at what he does. He's doing the same.

ImperialBlether · 13/06/2015 22:46

OP, use Private Browsing and he won't be able to do this.

JustHavinABreak · 13/06/2015 22:48

I think by checking up on DH you have left yourself open to this. Is it really so bad he is looking at porn? You say it as though he were acting in them (God sorry if he IS!)

Unless his use of porn is causing a problem in your marriage then I don't really see how you can expect him to be ok with your checking up on him but not vice versa.

Original poster
ilikebaking · 13/06/2015 22:50

I left mumsnet logged in, as I do everything, facebook, email etc.
I have never given him a reason to check up on me. Ever.
He has, continually broken my trust throughout this relationship. And I have forgiven him.
Because he is untrustworthy I am as well? Is this what I have to agree to if I check up on him due to his addiction issues?
I do not check up on him for fun, I do it because he has an addiction and has had counselling and help for it.
I do it because his behaviour deteriorates when he uses porn, and his internet history tells me what I need to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilikebaking · 13/06/2015 22:51

Sorry, I didnt add: he has a porn addiction, has had treatment etc, and it nearly ruined our marriage.

OP posts:
someonestolemynick · 13/06/2015 22:52

I've been reading up my dh's session history and found he's been checking out my session history. Please tell me you're joking.

Klayden · 13/06/2015 22:53

Why have you not dumped this utter twat of a man?!

JustHavinABreak · 13/06/2015 22:56

Well then I can see exactly why you are so upset. You are not being unreasonable and I am sorry if I came across as harsh. It sounds like a combination of pure nosinesss and perhaps insecurities too. I wonder is he trying to find out if you've been talking about him on here. It doesn't sounds like the counselling is doing what it's supposed to do if he is still regularly accessing porn. Does he counsellor know he is still using it or does he lie about it?

Original poster
ilikebaking · 13/06/2015 22:59

He stopped talking to the counsellor.
I am at the end of my tether.
If he was totally ok, I wouldn't have an issue with free history checking. I HATE it, hate hate hate checking it, it makes me cry and anxious, and just awful.
I do it because I love him and have to.
What he did to me... by checking up on me back feels so so wrong.
He makes the internet an issue, so I check him, now he checks me and that is ok. I feel sick and scared.

OP posts:
TwartFaceBeetj · 13/06/2015 23:03

It wouldn't bother me if dh went through my phone/ computer history.

I understand why you are checking him. But I do see it as pointless, because he can just go on private browser and you will never know. Maybe he might leave the odd porn site on the normal history just to give you something to see.

I'm glad he's going to counselling to try and save your marriage.

TwartFaceBeetj · 13/06/2015 23:05

X post, I take it back about him doing counselling then.........

Maryz · 13/06/2015 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustHavinABreak · 13/06/2015 23:09

You poor thing. I don't know about porn addiction but I do know about other addictions, and I think the principles are probably the same. The issue can't be addressed unless the person themselves actually acknowledges there is a problem and they want to deal with it. If the person doesn't think they have a problem or doesn't want help then there's no amount of reasoning/promising/cajoling will work. In this situation where does your DH stand do you think?

ImperialBlether · 13/06/2015 23:14

Are you sure you want to stay with him? If you don't even have the privacy to talk to others about the problem he's causing you, then it might be time to look at a life without him. It would seem pretty good to me.

DumbledoresKnobblyWand · 13/06/2015 23:21

What Maryz said, 100%. It's not your duty to fix him. He has to want to fix himself.

Also, you probably know this, but private browsing probably renders your history-checking pointless.

Fatmomma99 · 13/06/2015 23:29

quite sad, because I'd started mentally writing quite a funny post about how we MN-ers sit in front of the computer, un-hook our bras.... etc. That's all quite inappropriate now... this thread is quite serious

So seriously, ilikebaking, this is all very serious, esp if he's stopped seeing his counsellor. Everything I've always read/heard about addiction is that the person has to be choosing to go along with it. I'm so sorry things are tough

and sorry I included my crass stuff at the beginning

42andGaffaTape · 13/06/2015 23:34

Op why do you feel sick and scared?

Fairenuff · 13/06/2015 23:36

I do it because I love him and have to.

Why do you have to check his posting history because you love him? I don't understand that Confused

ImperialBlether · 13/06/2015 23:40

Fairenuff, she's said:

I do not check up on him for fun, I do it because he has an addiction and has had counselling and help for it.
I do it because his behaviour deteriorates when he uses porn, and his internet history tells me what I need to know.