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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH reading my posts

40 replies

ilikebaking · 13/06/2015 22:40

This is a weird one,
I currently check the computers history daily (DH porn issue) and found out my DH has been logging on here and rereading my threads. As far as I know it was just once, but he reread all the threads I have started and maybe the ones I have contributed to as well...
I find this unacceptable, he doesn't seem to agree. I don't know. I feel violated.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 13/06/2015 23:46

Yes, I read that but checking his history will not change his behaviour.

Neither does it mean she loves him. I'm not sure that OP realises that nothing she does will have any affect on his behaviour whatsoever.

Because he has an addiction and, like all addictions, that's his primary relationship.

DadOnIce · 13/06/2015 23:50

Once you start using Private Browsing, show him how to do the same.

sykadelic · 14/06/2015 03:44

I think there's a huge difference between checking his history (what sites he's been on) and actually reading your private (or what you thought were private) thoughts. You'd feel totally violated. Like he was reading your journal or listening in to conversations with friends.

OP I think a big part of why you're upset, and I'm sorry for how this sounds, is that you've always felt you had the upper hand in the relationship. Not necessarily consciously but he has always been the one with the problem. You're forced to check up on him for the good of your relationship because he has continually broken your trust, and this is yet another time that he's broken your trust. By spying on you, checking up on you, he's implying he has no trust in you either, and that makes you feel like he's saying you're as bad as he is... which makes you indignant. Which makes you upset because you do what you do out of love and there's no reason for him to be checking up on you.

The question now is, what are you going to do about it?

You could choose to challenge him (if you haven't already) or you could ensure that you always log out. Also change your passwords and consider doing everything in a private window/tab. Rather than checking the internet history I would install a tracking program on the computer (which you can do if it's a joint/family computer). That way you don't need to constantly check the history and only "need" to do so if you notice a behavioural change or perhaps once a month or something.

Annabannbobanna · 14/06/2015 03:54

How does checking his history help with his addiction. I am not meaning to be facetious, I genuinely want to know.

How do you know whether you are getting an accurate picture of his internet use, or just encouraging him to cover his tracks more?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/06/2015 04:09

I think you're reaching the point of no return in your relationship aren't you? I hope so at least.

googoodolly · 14/06/2015 07:10

Checking his browser history won't stop him looking at porn. If he wants to look, he'll do it regardless of what you think or want him to do.

If you're at a point in your relationship where you're checking each other's internet use on a daily basis, the trust is gone and the relationship is over in my opinion. If I found out DP didn't trust me online to the extent that he was checking my history, reading my replies on threads and going through my Facebook, I would leave him. I wouldn't be with someone who clearly didn't trust me.

lollilou · 14/06/2015 09:07

I think there's a huge difference between checking his history (what sites he's been on) and actually reading your private (or what you thought were private) thoughts. You'd feel totally violated. Like he was reading your journal or listening in to conversations with friends.
This 100%

googoodolly · 14/06/2015 09:14

But, whatever you put online is public. It's not the same as a journal or a private one-to-one chat with a friend - it's a public journal that anyone can read. You can't ban someone from visiting a website you post on and reading your posts!

SanityClause · 14/06/2015 09:26

But,googoo, if you post on MN, you use a nickname. You are anonymous.

A while ago, DD1 started a blog. She asked me not to read it. So, I don't, because that would be invading her privacy. I could - it's online for all to see - but I don't.

PattiODoors · 14/06/2015 09:27

Honey whatever else is going on it's a good idea to Log Out of everything after each session.

googoodolly · 14/06/2015 09:33

Yes, but you're only as anonymous as you make yourself. If you don't want your husband to see, and you share a computer, surely the sensible thing to do is to log out and clear your browsing history.

Otherwise they could just borrow the laptop and, even accidentally, end up here and with the ability to read everything you've posted. Lots of people on here post things that could make themselves GLARINGLY obvious to the person they're posting about.

I also think in your DD's situation, it's different. She specifically asked you not to read it. OP never asked her DH not to look at her history. Plus, if she snoops through his (and who says it stops at checking for porn), he probably thinks he has every right to do the same to her!

I'm not saying the DH's behaviour is okay, but you have to realise that what you post online isn't as private as you might want it to be. He shouldn't have snooped, but I wouldn't post something about my DP online that I wouldn't say to his face. I don't think it's fair otherwise, because I wouldn't want him writing private things about me online either.

Fairenuff · 14/06/2015 14:33

How does checking his history help with his addiction. I am not meaning to be facetious, I genuinely want to know.

Me too. I really don't understand this Confused

GERTI · 14/06/2015 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandysMam · 14/06/2015 18:51

Sorry to tell you this but most people's history function has a "clear the last hour" option. I'm sorry things are so rubbish between you OP, hope you sort things Flowers

ashtrayheart · 14/06/2015 19:01

You need to both start using private browsing! If checking his history is stressing you out, stop doing it?

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