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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum not to come to my hen party?

40 replies

thefourgp · 13/06/2015 21:38

I love my mum loads and we're really close. My bridesmaids and I have been joking that instead of being a bridezilla, I have a mumzilla. She wants her own way and has caused me quite a bit of stress even though my fiance and i are paying for everything. my sister has repeatedly told her that it's not her wedding and she needs to just go along with what I want. I've decided to have my hen party at my house. A bit of murder mystery silliness, a few games, cocktails and a buffet. Cheap and cheerful. We've asked everyone to chip in a small amount (appx £20) for food, drink and decorations. She's told me that she and two of her best friends (kind of like aunties to me) are unhappy I'm asking for money and if I'm having a house party I should be paying for all the supplies. She's begrudgingly now said they'll bring their own drink and an item each for the buffet. They don't fancy taking part in the murder mystery game and will just sit and chat while the rest of us get on with it. I'm pissed off. A lot of women spend a fortune on hen weekends and holidays and I really don't think I'm asking for a lot. I'm thinking of just telling her tomorrow not to come even though I know it will really upset her.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 13/06/2015 21:41

YANBU.
Tell her not to bother as you want to have a nice night and with her controlling, moaning behaviour you don't think it will be possible.

fastdaytears · 13/06/2015 21:42

£20 for food and drinks is totally reasonable I think. Decorations is a bit more questionable but honestly most of the cost will be booze I'm sure.
When I've done murder mysteries before everyone really has to join in so I'd question how great an idea it is to have them there if they're not going to participate?

fastdaytears · 13/06/2015 21:43

Your plans sound lovely by the way!

sherbetlemonD · 13/06/2015 21:43

YANBU but I think maybe organising something else instead to soften the blow might be in order. Pamper day maybe? Depends if it's your mums thing I guess.

yellowdinosauragain · 13/06/2015 21:43

I'd tell her 'listen mum, this is my hen party and this is how I want it to be. If you're coming you need to contribute the same as everyone else to avoid bad feeling with the others who have contributed, and you need to join in. If it's not your cup of tea I don't be offended if you and aunties give it a miss, but please don't spoil my special night by changing arrangements I've made'

Scholes34 · 13/06/2015 21:52

I had three hen parties - close friends, work friends and family and friends at home (I wasn't living in my home town when I got married). Do something similar if it's not possible for all your friends and family to mix comfortably and do one thing together. Your idea for a hen party with friends sounds great.

petalunicorn · 13/06/2015 21:53

The murder mystery bit won't work if there are three people who are not involved, sat there chatting unless they go in another room, and then what's the point? Especially if you are all dressing in character.

So YANBU.

meercat23 · 13/06/2015 21:57

I was amazed and delighted to be invited to the hen parties of my daughter and daughter in law. In my day Mums definitely didn't get invited. Of all of the various bits of a wedding that as a Mum I might want to have my views taken into account, the hen party was the very last.
It should be just the way you want it and anyone who doesn't want to take part should perhaps stay away and not risk spoiling things.

Have a great time Wine

Hoppinggreen · 13/06/2015 21:58

Never even occurred to me to invite my mum and I don't think she expected me to either

SpringBreaker · 13/06/2015 22:00

can they not be the "victims" in the mystery :D

Athenaviolet · 13/06/2015 22:00

You can't ask people to pay to come to a party in your own house!

selsigfach · 13/06/2015 22:04

Agree with Athena, charging for a house party is horrible. No problem with bring a bottle/dish!

travertine · 13/06/2015 22:08

But she's not charging for a house party as such it's her hen party which she is choosing to be held at home in which case I don't think it's unreasonable for her hens to chip in as would be the norm if they'd gone out to a restaurant or club.

RandomMess · 13/06/2015 22:18

Surely the £20 is instead of bringing a plate & a bottle so she can provide a lovely dinner for the murder mystery game??????????????????

selsigfach · 13/06/2015 22:28

I know but there's something about it that doesn't sit right with me!

MovingToAlnwick · 13/06/2015 22:31

I agree that asking for £20 doesn't feel right. Bringing food and drink is the same surely?

Original poster
thefourgp · 13/06/2015 22:39

Thank you travertine. I've made that point already. It's not a bog standard house party. We had planned an all day affair with three course meal, karaoke club and a pub crawl in the nearest city but changed it to this instead. My mum doesn't have good health and this is more convenient. I don't need my hen to be a big blow out affair (that would have been fab if we all had more money) but I do want it to be a little special and not treated like a typical Saturday night house party. I shouldn't have to hold multiple hen parties. I want all my friends and family together. I have never told the hen of any party I've been invited to what I want to do on her hen night. You show up and take part.

OP posts:
Original poster
thefourgp · 13/06/2015 22:50

Thank you travertine. I've made that point already. It's not a bog standard house party. We had planned an all day affair with three course meal, karaoke club and a pub crawl in the nearest city but changed it to this instead. My mum doesn't have good health and this is more convenient. I don't need my hen to be a big blow out affair (that would have been fab if we all had more money) but I do want it to be a little special and not treated like a typical Saturday night house party. I shouldn't have to hold multiple hen parties. I want all my friends and family together. I have never told the hen of any party I've been invited to what I want to do on her hen night. You show up and take part.

OP posts:
Kundry · 13/06/2015 22:51

It would never have occurred to me to invite my mum to my hen party. Plus in what universe does the bride pay for it?

If you are struggling to readjust your relationship with your mum so she sees you as an adult with a primary relationship with your husband, falling out with her over this might be OK to help her see that a new era, where you make your own decisions without her, has started.

Tequilashotfor1 · 13/06/2015 23:08

YANBU.

I paid £450 to go on a hen do. £20 quid is brilliant!

Tell your mum it's not going to be her thing and you will do somthing different with her.

Tequilashotfor1 · 13/06/2015 23:15

you show up and take part .... Yes you do.

Weddings baffle me on MN. Everybody wants an important role or a say in the proceedings when it is really about two people - the bride and groom.

My mum tried this shit on my 21st and I ended up being really upset that my mum actually took center role rather than enjoying herself with the rest of us.

It's all down to a lack of control on your mums part. I'd stick to girlfriends only on hen do and have a meal with your mother and sell it as a private personal affair just you two

Rememberallball · 13/06/2015 23:19

It could be difficult for the rest of you to really enjoy the evening if there are 3 people sitting to one side not joining in and potentially making disapproving noises at the goings on

As pp have suggested, could you arrange something like afternoon tea for the older relatives? I'm splitting my hen do into 'suitable for older members' which is afternoon tea at a local restaurant followed by music, wine and tapas at a Spanish wine bar in the evening.

5Foot5 · 13/06/2015 23:41

I think you sound like a very reasonable bride with the hen do you are organizing and I personally would love a party like that!

I also think it is wonderful that you are inviting your Mum and your older relatives. It would certainly have never occurred to me to have my Mum along and I would be amazed and touched if my DD asked me along if/when she has an occasion like that.

Your sister sounds like she is on your side. Could she give them a talking to? Would they take notice? How is the murder mystery organized? I think you do have to make it very clear that participation is mandatory but, as other have mentioned, if they don't fancy it offer an afternoon tea or something in lieu.

How old is your Mum? I am (almost) 53. Is that close to her age? If so, tell her from me she should just jolly well join in and enjoy herself. it sounds like a lovely idea.

BelindaBear · 13/06/2015 23:46

I think it's bad taste to charge for a house party. Maybe "bring a bottle" would be better

Original poster
thefourgp · 13/06/2015 23:50

I think you're right about the lack of control. My fiance and I have been together eight years and have two young children so I don't think she still views me as her little girl. She just makes everything about her. She ruined my sisters graduation. She's like Marie off everyone loves Raymond. She has a good heart and gets upset when she realises she's upset you but she still speaks without thinking and wants everything her way. I had initially just invited friends but she said that she really wanted to be included too. I don't know if you can choose who the victim is but that might be one way to go.

OP posts:
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