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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my mum not to come to my hen party?

40 replies

thefourgp · 13/06/2015 21:38

I love my mum loads and we're really close. My bridesmaids and I have been joking that instead of being a bridezilla, I have a mumzilla. She wants her own way and has caused me quite a bit of stress even though my fiance and i are paying for everything. my sister has repeatedly told her that it's not her wedding and she needs to just go along with what I want. I've decided to have my hen party at my house. A bit of murder mystery silliness, a few games, cocktails and a buffet. Cheap and cheerful. We've asked everyone to chip in a small amount (appx £20) for food, drink and decorations. She's told me that she and two of her best friends (kind of like aunties to me) are unhappy I'm asking for money and if I'm having a house party I should be paying for all the supplies. She's begrudgingly now said they'll bring their own drink and an item each for the buffet. They don't fancy taking part in the murder mystery game and will just sit and chat while the rest of us get on with it. I'm pissed off. A lot of women spend a fortune on hen weekends and holidays and I really don't think I'm asking for a lot. I'm thinking of just telling her tomorrow not to come even though I know it will really upset her.

OP posts:

Fatmomma99 · 13/06/2015 23:56

thefourgp, can I come to your hen night even though I've never met you. Seriously, can I? It sounds like a BRILLIANT night, and so cheap and cheerful, but not cheap in any sense. It sounds AMAZING.

We've never met, but I really do think I could be your maid of honour. Please consider this seriously. I really, really want to be there!

Also agree with yellowdinosaur

Ignore those who say you shouldn't have to pay money for a party in a house - it's an incredibly reasonable hen's night, and I'm sure all your hens will appreciate it's not costing them a fortune.

Again... can I do anything to wrangle an invite??????

Original poster

thefourgp · 14/06/2015 08:33

5foot5 she's 61. I'm not sure exactly how the murder mystery works, the bridesmaids are organising it. You each get a character and script. I think it takes about two hours. Please see www.whodunnitdinners.co.uk/Mobile/MBSCProduct.asp?pdtid=9884043 my sister's got a lot on her plate right now so I don't want to get her to intervene again. Fatmomma99. Thanks so much for your post. Made me really laugh when I've been worrying about this too much. It may not be a four day trip abroad like one of my bridesmaids had but it's what I want to do and I shouldn't let her taint my excitement about it. You sound exactly like the kind of friend I want there. I'm going to go talk to her this morning. She'll get mad, she'll then get sad, she'll then cry, apologise and say she'll come, pay and join in. I wish I just didn't have to point out her selfish behaviour so often. My sister said if she ever gets married she's not telling our mum until the morning of the wedding. Lol. Wish me luck. X

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 14/06/2015 08:51

My mother is a very similar age. In her day, your mother organised your wedding. So you got your turn at being the bride, and 25-30 years later you got a turn at organising the wedding.

She was a bit put out that by the time I got married the dynamic had changed, so she wasn't going to get her turn at organising.

I think this is just sour grapes but I don't see how you can put your foot down without causing drama. I agree with pps that the best you can do is "well if you aren't going to enjoy it don't feel you have to come".

louwn · 14/06/2015 10:59

It sounds brilliant! I would be very happy to pay 20 quid towards something like this - would be one of the cheapest hen nights I have been on! Maybe your mum thinks you shouldn't charge people but I am sure your friends, who will have been on plenty of expensive hen dos in their time, will be thrilled at contributing a small amount to have a great fun night.

Original poster

thefourgp · 14/06/2015 16:41

I spoke to her and she was a bit taken aback but fine with it. Her friends have decided they're not coming and will save their money for the actual wedding. I think it is a generational thing. My pals are all saying it's unheard of to have such a cheap hen night and are really looking forward to it. My mum's friends say playing games will put them out their comfort zone although i've explained there's no intention of embarrassing anyone. You can't please everyone i suppose. Thanks for all the input. Xx ??

OP posts:

Iammad · 14/06/2015 16:50

Sounds fab to me, your mum is being very silly imo.
People go ott on hen nights, yours sounds like fun and for £20 I would be more then happy!
Hope you have a great night.

Nanny0gg · 14/06/2015 19:05

She has a good heart and gets upset when she realises she's upset you but she still speaks without thinking and wants everything her way

Read your post again. I'm not sure she does have what most people would think of as a 'good heart' at all.

I'm her age and have been to a murder mystery. Considering I hate role play and dressing up I had a really good time.

She either joins in or stays at home.

My mother is a very similar age. In her day, your mother organised your wedding. So you got your turn at being the bride, and 25-30 years later you got a turn at organising the wedding.

My DD organised her own wedding with the input from me that she asked for and no more. It's personality, not age, that dictates behaviour.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/06/2015 19:11

A murder mystery night would definitely NOT be my 'thing'. If I were your mum I'd take a pass and take you out for a nice mother/daughter lunch or dinner another night.

I'm glad she's not raising a big fuss about it.

ImperialBlether · 14/06/2015 19:19

I'd be delighted if someone just told me to hand over £20 and the whole night would be arranged!

Is it possible to get in touch with your mum's friends and ask them to have a word? Otherwise someone is going to have to say to your mum, only come if you're in a good mood. I would be furious with her if she spoiled it. In fact I'd nominate a good friend who wouldn't necessarily see much of your mum after the wedding who'd keep an eye on her and tell her when she's out of order.

Kundry · 14/06/2015 19:26

At best she has a good heart and can learn that you are an adult now and stop doing this - possible, my DM did.

At worst though she only has a good heart when everyone is doing what she wants - which isn't the same as having a good heart at all

stoopstofolly · 14/06/2015 19:33

It sounds lovely. Ignore people being sniffy about paying for a house party- I've been to a couple of hen parties at houses, and we've all shelled out to pay for catering and entertainment (and been very appreciative of the effort that went into it and the reduced cost!) IMO it's entirely reasonable as its not a house party its your HEN PARTY!
Your mum sounds like she's being a bit thoughtless- point out that it will spoil the dynamic if she doesn't participate, and perhaps offer to go for afternoon tea with her and the aunts if they don't want to do it your way. She can't dictate what she will and won't be doing at your hen party. You and the party sound lovely- hope you have a great night.

bloodyteenagers · 14/06/2015 19:47

We often do a kitty. It is no different to bringing a bottle and a dish and works out cheaper, by the time
You add in a bottle, mixer and a dish.
Plus you don't end up with 20 bottles of vodka and little mixer and 20 pasta dishes. And no ice.
Cash gets pooled. You know how many are coming so you can then work how much drink and what food.

We do these for Christmas dinner, bonfire night, Halloween and a few bbq's during the summer.

It's not a case of right I am having a party on Saturday, that will be £20. It started as making plans over a couple of drinks. Someone joked about a kitty, and thinking about it, made sense.

Anyway have fun op.

Caterina99 · 14/06/2015 21:32

Hen party idea sounds fab. I'd happily pay my 20 quid if it was all organized and I didn't have to bring anything! And I've been on loads of hen dos from long weekends abroad to curry and local pub, and loved them all.

I'd suggest a day out or a nice meal or something with your mum and and sister and aunties etc. That way they are included, but not spoiling your night with your mates.

whois · 14/06/2015 22:44

I think it's bad taste to charge for a house party. Maybe "bring a bottle" would be better

It's not a freaking house party! It's a hen do! £20 to attend is bloody brilliantl compared to most extravagant evenings out.

LuluJakey1 · 15/06/2015 00:37

I didn't have one and don't ever go to them. DH is the same with stag do's. We're a sociable pair

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