to not know how to handle a kids party situation.

[ohdear27]

DD will be six next week and she really wanted a party. She has not had a 'proper' party before. So hall and entertainer booked. Her school was off for 2 weeks for whit so the invitations were only sent out when she got back with just over a weeks notice. We invited all her year 1 class.

I have now had a number of 'rsvps'. Boys replying yes and all the girls that have replied so far saying 'no'. One mum replied that it was her daughter's (X)birthday on the day of the party so they had things planned. Then I have just had another decline that makes things seems a little clearer - it stated that her daughter couldn't come the party as she had already accepted an invitation for the same day and time. Now it did not say whose party it was but it would seem likely it is X'x.

So what do i do on several levels:

1. About why my lovely and gregarious daughter that is clearly so unpopular that she is the only girl in the class not invited to X's party. My daughter likes X and talks about her as if they are friends. This is not the first time that she has not been invited to things, I once witnessed the teacher giving out invitations as the children left school to a different girls party (again a girl DD likes) and my DD was not being given one. She was not the only one at the time - but it struck me as rather cruel which is why I made a point of inviting the whole class. Why is she unpopular? I feel devastated about this.

1. The next thing is the party itself - she cant have a party with 13 boys and her as the only girl. She is a girly not - not a tome boy. So do I cancel it? - she will be devastated. maybe rearrange it? but as the invitations have already gone out that would involve me having to inform parents that it was now rearranged and could get messy.

Are just do not know how to handle this situation at all. I should point out that I rarely pick up or drop off at school as I work 4 days a week so I cant imagine this could be related to anything I have done or said. I do find the parents at the school gates quite cliquey so I just keep to myself.

I cant believe how upset I feel about this and how unsure what to do. The party is suppose to be this time next week so we need a fast plan!!

Don't rearrange - that opens the door to the hideousness of someone not getting the message and turning up anyway.

Smaller parties are genuinely more fun anyway.

DD is 4.5 and tbh I'm putting off her having a party (apart from family ) for as long as possible!

But in all honesty OP l too would reschedule if none of the girls could make it (and nice gesture to text other party parent).

I don't think you need to make an effort at the school gates. Lots of people work and l only do one play date max every month at ours.

I'd definitely talk to your daughter first. DS1 had a mix of friends all through infant school so may have been happy with just girls. DD however was much more gender aware with her friends and would not have appreciated having just boys! I'd probably subtly rearrange but with much more notice. Cite family issues or similar. Definitely give about 4 weeks notice.

I definitely agree with other posters about the way forward though. Friendships, particularly in the early years, are very dependent on out of school play dates. You've said that you work 4 days so that still leaves one day and weekends. So having a friend for a couple of hours every other week or so should be possible. There seems to be a lot of effort at first when friends come round but it gets easier the older they get as they tend to entertain themselves more. It's also worth getting to know the other mums too. For me these friends have been life savers over the years. If I've been running late there's usually been someone who could collect DC for me. Someone to give a quick reminder that it's own clothes day / dress up for world book day etc. tomorrow. Someone to discuss what homework has been set etc. When a friend's mum comes to collect ask her for a cup of tea. The girls will no doubt be desperate for a bit more play and you may find that you have more in common with other mums than you think!

If you reschedule you'd need to do it probably two weeks further on than the original date.

However I would personally stick with the original date and go ahead with the children who can make it. If you can get a couple of other girls there then all the better but I would just plough on. Children's entertainers are usually very good at getting the children to engage, it won't matter if they are boys or girls, all children love a good entertainer. Plan to add in a few other party games and keep it moving on at a good pace (10-15 mins for arrivals, children's entertainer 45 mins, party food 30 mins, balloon play/running around 15 mins (kids do this after parties!) all in all 1 1/2 hours or two hours with longer times for entertainment/food) . Perfect kids party is 1.5 hours, 2 max, anything longer it all starts to disintegrate.

Tip: Welcome each child personally, ask their name, comment on how smart they look or tell them where they can put their coat, if they are carrying a present and hand it over make sure you are effusive with your thanks, say it looks like a very interesting parcel etc. Don't just say Hi to the parent and overlook the child!!!

2nd tip: Have juice and cups at the ready and make sure children know where the toilets are.

3rd tip: If your children's entertainer's act involves balloon modelling, and they plan on making models on request for all the children, if it's part of the act as the act is going along that's fine, but if it's just one by one per request then get them to make up requests at the end of the party (ideally just after food) as each one takes a good 3-5 minutes to make and children get impatient waiting. Imagine being the child no. 10 in the queue This is fine for at the end of the party but if it's during/before food, there'll be a big break in the flow of the party. Just saying!

surely people don't edit their kids party invite lists based on whether they like the other parents?

i doubt this has anything to do with you personally, op
at our school a lot of the kids are dropped off by nannies or childminders, some kids parents i have never clapped eyes on in 2 years but the kids still get invited to parties.
my kids still get invited to parties and i rarely get involved with other parents beyond a bright and breezy "hello"

School yard mum's can be very bitchy and mean, for you. My son was once left out by a set of twins who lived over the road from us. Their house faced ours and DS would often go and play their. On the day of the party, lots of DS's friends were going into the house and he kept asking to go but I had to say no as he hadn't been invited, it broke my heart. I took him out in the end. I couldn't believe that the fat cow woman had been such a bitch and left him out.

*there

FWIW, I don't think this is anything to do with you Op or your DD & everything to do with the short notice of the invitations. Also, it's not certain that the party the other parent referred to is someone from your DDs class.

I think you should go ahead & have the party anyway - invite a few more girls from outside school or the other Yr 1 class & she'll have a great time.

Rescheduling for next week is not likely to be a success.
Here we have Cub camp this weekend, a party and a dance display next weekend, visitors the weekend after, another cub thing after that.....

It's probably not about popularity, it's the short notice.

I also really would advise against changing the date to the following week - thats still only 2 weeks notice and I suspect a lot still wont be able to make it. You need 4-6 weeks notice especially at this time of year.

How on earth has anyone been bitchy to the op?
Fail to see it. Insufficient notice given and clash with another party for which invites had already been sent. That's life, its not personal!

Just have the party, she won't catch "boy"

Kids are kids and they will all have a lovely time.

To be honest, she will just be so excited at her party that it won't register boys/girls as she'll have so much other stuff going on around her. I think that in year one, friends are friends and the girl boy divide isn't so apparent.
I have found from my own dc that comes in year 2

It would be so rude to rearrange just cos the preferred guests aren't there.

Doesn't she know any girls from out of school? Dance, brownies, choir, church, cousins, same street, etc etc?

I don't think you are being unreasonable or over reacting. I can well understand how you would feel hurt and upset by the situation. Some mothers (probably most) would not have meant to hurt you or your child just bear that in mind. Most people are decent.
I would continue with the party. I agree with whoever said it could offend those who have already accepted. I think (somehow) you have to raise above it all and make the party a great one for your daughter. Treat it as a learning experience. I work part time too although I do have a reasonable amount to do with the other mothers. I have learnt a lot about the timing, dynamics and dos and don't of childrens parties as the year has progress. Just simple things like giving invitations out relatively early are helpful. I would also talk to some close friends (with daughters) explain exactly what has happened and ask that if their daughter can come. You really only need a couple. At my son's birthday he had way more girls than boys.

Have the party! Invite a few girls you know as well, it doesn't really matter about their ages.

You can tell your DD beforehand that most of the girls in her class can't come & they have already arranged to do other things on the day but that (names of boys and any girls you invite) ARE coming and it is going to be so much fun.

If you give the information about the non-attendees in a breezy way. and then move on with enthusiasm and excitement about the party,your DD should follow your lead.

My DS was once missed from a whole class party when he was young. Although I was very upset for him, I never let him see that. I just said "Oh well, we can't all be incited to everything" & moved on to talking about our own plans for the weekend. If your DD picks up on any anxiety from you, she might start to feel really hurt that the other girls are going to another party. You can manage it for her so that it really isn't a big deal.

Personally I think the short notice is a problem. My weekends are usually planned at least a couple in front due to the kids hobbies. They can miss some weekend events but not if they have committed to doing it. Also up until November last year we owned a business that meant working weekends. This is the first summer that we have been able to go away so planned a few in. Without. Few weeks notice we will have commited to something.

I would go ahead I am sure she will have a great time, regardless

I don't think you should rearrange. Style it out, the children will just meld together in a big crazy lump and it won't feel like anyone is missing. Next year allow more time when sending out the invitations, and remember this child will have her party near the time so check with the other mother.

This year - if you see the other mother try to have a quick relaxed chat where you acknowledge her party and wish her daughter a lovely time and without being apologetic, acknowledge that it isn't great they're on the same day - defuse that one if you can (though you have done nothing wrong, which is why you shouldn't apologise - your daughter wasn't invited, so how would you know? - but people can be prickly and weird so face into that with confident pleasantness if you can)

Rearranging will be a huge faff and will cause confusion. And it will still be really short notice so isn't great for anyone, least of all those who have accepted and put it in the calendar.

About the whole thing of "making more effort" socially. You don't have to. you are getting a lot of advice about how to fit in, like joining the PTA! - fine, if you want to join in and join the mind meld, but not all parents want to or will enjoy it, and you are not letting your dd down if you don't. If you want to be one of those women who are always at the centre of things then fine, but you don't sound like it. If your dd has particular friends she wants to invite over, then do that if you can, even if you take them to the park if your dh is sleeping - but don't feel you have to infiltrate the hive. Leave that to those who want to live that way.

your social responsibility to your dd is to teach her how to form friendships and manage acquaintances. You do that mainly by example. Running at the centre of a crowd, making big efforts to be seen and to be seen to fit in, is only one way of managing relationships and I don't think it's a great one, so if you don't bother with that why should you train your daughter that it's important? Do you want to buy into the notion that you only have functional friendships when you make a huge artificial effort to fit in with a certain group?

I think you can lead by example by being: calmly and generally outgoing (not manic about chasing a clique but being pleasant to everyone), honest, polite, welcoming when you invite people to your house, being relaxed and open when you form particular friendships and become warmer to certain people, doing this without blatantly leaving out others, respecting people and honouring them for who they are. (I am sure you already do all this.

This means: respecting the people who have already accepted and carrying on with the party as it is. Which has the advantage of being a lot less trouble!

Don't reschedule - it'll be fun anyway.

And agree with the other poster who said it's fine not to be part of the school gates stuff. I've never been because my eldest is severely disabled so we can't have people back here. Once they get to around year 4/year 5 they choose their own friends anyway. Do the playdates etc if you want to - but don't feel you have to.

op i really would follow up. I once had someone text me as her son hadn't been invited to my ds's party, luckily shed mentioned it to a mutual friend who knew I'd planned a full class party. I was horrified and sent another invitation. he eventually ended up with both so not sure what happened to the other in the meantime.

Definitely the lack of notice. A party on a summer Saturday needs at least three Saturday's notice, so effectively four weeks. We have something on every Saturday for the next five weeks unfortunately, and some of them can't be altered.

As it stands I don't know whether I'd reschedule or not, it's a tough decision. There's a high risk you'll lose a proportion of those who can come to the current date and you might not actually get any of the original invitees either. I'd probably go ahead I think.

I think go ahead with what is planned & have a couple of girls that she really wants for a belated birthday tea another time?

We always used to have a class list of addresses & DOBs-very useful!

Never done an all class party, they aren't done here!

You have my sympathies with regard to the holidays. My son's birthday falls after/during a school holiday and I have been caught out before too. It is so easy!

Here's my tips for the future after a disastrous first attempt at a party.

Get the invites out at least three weeks before.

Find out from your child who her best friends are/the one or two she really wants at her party. Talk to their parents before you book the party. Let them know you are thinking of X date for the party and will they be free then? Get them locked in then book the party, send out the invites and don't worry about the rest of them turning up.

I am so impressed you have had all these RSVPs! That is unheard of at out school. You have to chase the parents! I am sorry that so many are declining but am also more than a little but jealous.

I wouldn't re-schedule it, I think you're overthinking because on the day it will just be a bunch of 'children' having fun regardless of gender.

Actually it will probably work out better because if it was all the girls who are going to other party your DD might end up feeling left out at her own party if they are all closer.

Also don't beat yourself about not having had the time to do the whole social engineering thing, it's a shame it works like this with mummy friends inviting each others kids and you are not on the radar but it's not the end of the world.

I also wouldn't see it as your DD being unpopular, they probably just asked first.