This house is NOT a shit hole!

[Furyfowler]

I'm getting fed up of my dh complaining that the house is a shit hole..... He goes on about he doesn't pay £££ a month to live like this.

WIBU to tell him to either shut up or put up!

The house is NOT a shit hole, we are a family of 4... me, dh, 5yr old and a toddler. The house has stuff in it, it is never spotless. But the dishes are mostly done (there's always something sitting on the sidelike a cup or a plate) the bathroom is clean, the carpets are hoovered, the tabletops are cleaned after every meal/use.

Yes there are toys out of toy boxes, dvds not neatly put back but kind of thrown back, there's usually some item of clothing hangiing about where it shouldn't be along with books and stuff. There's always laundry to be done.

We live with 2 small children, it will never ever be spotless!

It pisses me off when he gets all huffy, as I'm a sahm and do alot of housework during the day, it's an ongoing process, not something you can dedicate 2 hard hours to. But I feel like he's thinking (implying) that I'm not pulling my weight!

WI also BU to go on strike :)

Who the fuck wants a spotless house? I grew up in one and found it sterile and my mum could never relax.

I use that word about my home whenever I'm fed up with it. I can't even think where I first heard it (certainly not my parents) but it's the go-to phrase in my head when things are a mess - was it in a TV programme? A book?
I only say it when I'm really unhappy and frustrated with how we are living.

My house is a zillion miles from spotless but I genuinely can't relax in a really untidy room. I love it when I get up in the morning and things are more or less in their place, it's a weight off my shoulders. Who knows how the OP's dp feels about this.

My ex was the same. I was at home with 2 babies while he would work 24 hour shifts. I'd leave a lot of the housework until he got home and could look after the kids so i could get things done. He'd tell me how sad it made him feel to come home to a messy house then make a massive deal of sending us all out for the day so he could do a big clean. Then he would tell me off and say "look, i've managed it, why can't you". Uhuh, but you had no kids all day while you did it so it's not really the same is it?

So mums who have a 'spotless' house just don't play with their children, they're also uptight and the house is sterile.

Right oh

I can't relax in a messy room iggi, butUsr

Sorry posted accidentally
Was going to say there is a big difference between everything being tidied away (I can live with) and everything being tidied away, dusted, hoovered, mopped and sparking (my XH's standards) which are not compatible IME with small children if you ever want to sleep.

Which is fine if you maintain those standards or pay a cleaner, not fine if you unreasonably expect someone else to do so.

Iggi if he feels so strongly about it he just just tidy it without the moaning. That's the issue here, the constant whinging/complaining at the OP when it's not up to his standard. Moaning is not an attractive trait in an adult, if he's unhappy he should have an adult conversation with her about it.

I can heartily recommend a complete declutter (think Marie Condo or similar) in a smallish house for keeping on top of things...just not having much stuff makes life way easier.

But I think the real problem here is that the op's husband sounds like a bit of an arse.

"I'm a stay at home MUM asshole, not your fucking cleaner. If you want it cleaner cock breath get off your fucking arse and do it. And while your up get me a glass of cunting wine and be fucking grateful that I didnt piss on your chips while I was squeezing our kids out my fanjo. You fucker."

I take back what I said before. I think LaurieFairyCake has it! ^^

Do you get the "I did it for you" comment?

"I've cleaned the bathroom for you" - for me?? Did I ask you? Did you build me a separate bathroom just for me and clean it? Or did you clean the bathroom that the whole family use?

He stopped saying that...

Or the WE need to clear the X ... er no WE dont ....

If he wants his house to be a show home, then he needs to either do some housework himself or hire a cleaner.

Then take some photos when it's freshly done and look at them.

You're a wife and mother, not a maid and it's your home and your kids' home as well as his.

I have a friend whose place us practically sterile. How she does it with two kids is beyond me.
All toys in bedroom etc.
Kids are well cared for and interacted with etc. It's just she finishes the job and puts toys away with them afterwards. If I could just learn from her....m

YANBU. When DS1 was 4 months old DH became a SAHD for 6 months while I went back to work. He had great plans for all the jobs he was going to do while at home (!). Funnily enough he achieved nothing and was exhausted when I came home! So he did understand a messy house when we swapped roles.

Probably not possible but it might be worth having him take a week's holiday to look after DC solo while you go away somewhere. Give him chance to live a full week in your role. If everything is top notch when you get back, fair enough. He's made his point. If not he might have a bit more understanding.

I haven't RTFT - but ROFL at Art's Friday night assertion that 'tidying and basic chores only take 15minutes a day'.

I'm a big fan of FLYlady/pomodoro (ie using timers to keep momentum going with housework) - so I can itemise exactly how long chores take.

• Tidying up after a meal - 10 minutes (three meals per day).
• Set off/dry/sort a daily lot of laundry - 10 minutes
• sweep downstairs and pick up all loose items - 10 minutes
• mop floor - 10 minutes
• morning school book reading with DC 10 mins * 2.
• evening activity or homework support - 20 minutes
• 'room rescue' (on rotation) - 10 minutes
• Food preparation - 20 minutes

That's busted through 2 hours already - and that is only maintenance - and excluding random kid messes (eg spillages & mess & breakages). There are then weekly jobs like bedlinen/ cleaning bathroom/ ordering and unpacking groceries/ paperwork.

Book - I said 15 mins each ( so 30 mins a day).
We def don't wash the floors daily, or wash clothes daily. I don't count reading with kids or homework as a chore either.

It's a job that needs to be done though: it's not relaxation time (for either party!) and it's time out of available housework time obviously.

I dont know how big your house is OP but when my DCs were little we kept the sitting room pretty much adults only-i.e. clean and tidy and used the dining room-big enough for a settee- as the main 'play' room . I too find it very hard to relax in an untidy room, so I could at least shut the door on it

Doesn't help with your DH's huffing and puffing though . I'm 'blessed' with the sort who never really noticed mess (unless he stood on the Lego in his bare feet) but it did mean he never did much either... I was probably guilty of caring too much about the house being really clean, (had a cleaner/ironer though) but the DDs seem to have grown up without major hang ups and we have a good relationshp - I did the play doh, painting, cooking, playdates etc (both very untidy though--perhaps its a reaction-and DD1 hates washing up and will leave it for days)

I do remember staying with friends years ago , (4 children under 5) she was a SAHM , when he asked her when the cutlery drawer was last cleaned out . She went ballistic . I thought she might stab him . (before we had Dcs I didn't 'get it' at the time)

Obviously depending on your house and lifestyle (ie are DC actually home during the day) - you can't be 'spotless' without the floors being done daily. I have more DC - but definitely at least one wash per day. Clothes, uniforms, swimming kits, sports kits, bed linen, towels.

Those are basics for me - and my housekeeping is far from exemplary. For example - only uniforms and shirts are ironed - and that is outsourced (saving at least 20 mins per day) - and upstairs is vacuumed weekends only (at which point it takes over an hour, including stairs and picking up. More if skirtings are washed.).

I don't count bedtime reading as a chore - but school book reading definitely is! And they certainly bite into time - it's these little things that add up to the last cup and plate by the sink being impossible to ever quite catch up with.

On Wednesday DH told me 'my' lawnmower was unmendable- I do mow the lawns, as he suffers terribly fom hayfever .It's always 'my' washing too. As in' I've brought your washing in' (if its raining ) I've cured him of saying 'I've hoovered for you ' .

Honestly if I don't wash floors, wipe down doors and walls of grubby hand marks and scuffs, wash at least one if not two loads of clothes a day, it is chaos. And we have a minimal wardrobe of 7 pairs of trousers, 7 tops, 2 jackets, and 3 'good' outfits each, with good toy rotation and very organised storage etc. It is still very far from spotless.

Day goes:
7am-8.20 up/breakfast/clothes and hygiene/clear breakfast/wipe floors and walls from baby food throwing/make lunch/tidy away toys that they've played with as I did this/get everyone out on school run.
9.40 home again or out to an activity - if home do laundry and at least one weekly chore and try to play with kids but basically just sit there sorting and clearing toys with a bit of play talk, usually need to clear toys every 10-15 mins as they get bored and wander off to play with something new. Nappy change.
12 lunch and clear up
Baby down for nap
Unload dishwasher
1.20 school run 2
2.40 home - homework with ds1, small boys play so this needs to be cleaned when done, more laundry, more chores, keeping the toys cleared up after everyone every 10 mins, snack for ds1 and clear up toys, start getting dinner
5 - dinner and clear up, wash floor, dishwasher loading, wipe down, clean Continue laundry cycle eg fold put away, continual toy clearing or directing toy clearing of one boy or another.
6 -bath and bed time starts

We do have some playtime. We do chat. But I still spend a lot of time saying 'in a minute' or 'when I've done this, we can..,'. That's just to keep on top of things in a reasonably efficient manner. It was very different when there were only two and I'm sure it will be different again when they're all at school. Short school day here doesn't help.

We only do maybe 3-4 washes a week. Washer dryer so Usually turn on overnight, washes and drys whilst we sleep ( yes I know my house will burn down!) and we just fold up in am. Lights/ darks/ bedding. Occasionally delicates. Towels go in any wash depending on colour. Have large machine.

Our white carpets still look clean from hoovering 2 days ago so we don't need to do daily. It's a shoes off house, all food only at table, hands washed as soon as home from outside so mess brought in and around is minimal.

Well, no shoes here and it makes no difference. Hands washed at least three times a day outside of toileting. Perhaps you have unusually clean children, or perhaps I have unusually grubby ones, but if I had white carpets I would probably be in an asylum.

And no food but at table here.. And I wipe in between. But crumbs track everywhere somehow. Maybe it is because of the tiles.