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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This house is NOT a shit hole!

122 replies

Furyfowler · 12/06/2015 19:01

I'm getting fed up of my dh complaining that the house is a shit hole..... He goes on about he doesn't pay £££ a month to live like this.

WIBU to tell him to either shut up or put up!

The house is NOT a shit hole, we are a family of 4... me, dh, 5yr old and a toddler. The house has stuff in it, it is never spotless. But the dishes are mostly done (there's always something sitting on the sidelike a cup or a plate) the bathroom is clean, the carpets are hoovered, the tabletops are cleaned after every meal/use.

Yes there are toys out of toy boxes, dvds not neatly put back but kind of thrown back, there's usually some item of clothing hangiing about where it shouldn't be along with books and stuff. There's always laundry to be done.

We live with 2 small children, it will never ever be spotless!

It pisses me off when he gets all huffy, as I'm a sahm and do alot of housework during the day, it's an ongoing process, not something you can dedicate 2 hard hours to. But I feel like he's thinking (implying) that I'm not pulling my weight!

WI also BU to go on strike :)

OP posts:
Rivercam · 12/06/2015 19:44

Your house sounds like mine. It's tidy-ish, but not show home standard.

Charley50 · 12/06/2015 19:45

I hate dishes in the sink too. Rinsed and stacked neatly on the side for me.

DuchessofNorks · 12/06/2015 19:49

What's this about him paying £££'s to live in a shit hole??

As far as I am aware a mortgage doesn't include "my wife keeping the house to show home standard".

It's ridiculous. How can he expect you to do this because he pays the mortgage? My DH said something similar to me and I lost my shit at him.

I had a week's training with work shortly afterwards. He took the time off while I attended to stay at home. He hasn't dared make comment since Wink

Artandco · 12/06/2015 19:51

Well yes I hate dishes in the sink, but I assumed when you said left on the side you didn't have a dishwasher/ or didn't have town to wash instantly hence saying they would be less on view in the sink

I also have x2 under 5. I'm not saying to make you feel bad, but our house is honestly always spotless apart from some toys in the day. I think the key is having less stuff. Including less toys. That way the kids can tidy easier also. Less clothes mean you wash and rewear, no extras around.

FlyingGoose · 12/06/2015 19:53

I am always complaining the house is a shit hole and i do most of the cleaning myself. It is impossible to keep up to date with two small children, as soon as you have tidied the bathroom they have trashed the living room. If i devoted more time then i probably could, but meaningful interaction with the children far more important.

Clutterbugsmum · 12/06/2015 19:55

Next time he has a week off, go and stay somewhere else for 3 days and leave him with children and then when you come back moan like he dose when he gets home from work.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 12/06/2015 19:57

Why would it make her feel bad Artandco? My house isn't always spotless and hearing that someone else's is makes me feel... Well nothing much. Because I don't care what other people's houses look like.
Anyway this isn't about how clean the OP's house is. It's about her partner guilt tripping her and complaining about the mess. Since when did SAHM equal skivvy?

Finola1step · 12/06/2015 19:58

Just thought of something. Ao he's away for 3 weeks at a time. And in those 3 weeks, how much down time does he get? Now compare that to the down time you get in those same 3 weeks.

The key issue here is that you are both out of balance with each other.

Sunflower1985 · 12/06/2015 19:59

My DH likes to blast it too. He'll do nothing all week then spend 2 hours at the weekend knackering himself. A day later it's a mess again. I much rather do little bits as I go along.

Is it this difference with you that's making him think you're not doing enough? Is it worth ignoring the moan for a clean house?

SurlyCue · 12/06/2015 20:03

Paying ££££ on a mortgage bought him a building, it didnt buy him staff to maintain it. That's up to him to sort if its what he wants. You are a SAH parent not SAH cleaner!

Sunshine200 · 12/06/2015 20:20

Ha, sounds exactly like my dh- especially the huffing & puffing whilst he noisily tidies! We have had many arguments over it (and he is no angel either but he's blind to this!). Honestly, if I huffed & puffed over everything that annoyed me we would no longer be married!

Romeyroo · 12/06/2015 20:29

Nope, that would annoy me. DS is a whirlwind and I spend a LOT of time with him as he can play himself but then will find doing something mischievous more interesting. I just can't leave him to his own devices whilst I do x,y and z; the place would be even more of a mess.

If your husband works away, he has little idea of the cumulative daily grind housework is. I can blast through it too, now and then - but every day? No, because other things need done and there are other things I want to do.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 12/06/2015 20:57

I'm not saying to make you feel bad, but our house is honestly always spotless apart from some toys in the day.

I can't believe you said that artandco ! Please don't try to make the op seem untidy or whatever. Her house sounds more natural than yours. Housework is work in progress if the children are in the house.

Original poster
Furyfowler · 12/06/2015 21:04

On the days that he does have dc and he does a mass clean/tidy I don't think he realises that yes a mass clean is possible (and easy), but it's not sustainable.

Housework needs to be spread out, little and often.

I had an absolute go at him when he made those comments, but I do think we need to sit and chat about practicalities.

We are pretty minimalist, which pisses me off even more as our house has less clitter in it than any one elses house I know!

OP posts:
IfNotNowThenWhen · 12/06/2015 21:07

Doesn't sound any messier than my house. And I have one older child, so no excuse for me! Difference is, I have no husband to huff and puff. It's lovely and peaceful , and I do housework when I feel like it. Which frankly isn't that much. ( It's not dirty, just, I can't get worked up about a few cups on the side and some toys scattered about )
Your husband is away three quarters of the time, so actually, he should pull his weight when he is home. When he moans just put some of your favourite music on very loud. Hth

LaurieFairyCake · 12/06/2015 21:10

"I'm a stay at home MUM asshole, not your fucking cleaner. If you want it cleaner cock breath get off your fucking arse and do it. And while your up get me a glass of cunting wine and be fucking grateful that I didnt piss on your chips while I was squeezing our kids out my fanjo. You fucker."

Or summat like that.

IUseAnyName · 12/06/2015 21:11

Each to their own artandco, but I would rather have a less than spotless house and spend more time with the kids, than have a showhome tbh.

My dh on the otherhand wants both, a showhome and playtime with the kids, which is why he gets all cross when tidying as he thinks we should be out doing stuff rather than tidying the house.
Whereas I think we can do important bits this morn (dishes, laundry) and the rest when we're back, or I'll tidy as I wander around getting the kids dressed, wash dishes as I'm making lunch... So instead of just standing in front of sink for 5 mins I'll take half an hour but will have made lunch, coffee and set the table too.... So it's like he didn't see me do the dishes! All the while he's huffing and puffing in one room trying to make it as spotless as possible when there's no need!

ThreeQuartersEmpty · 12/06/2015 21:11

It sounds like he is helping out, but with his 3 weeks away doesn't appreciate that work needs to be ongoing.
No point doing a blitz once a week with kids there.
Sounds like he could do with a sharp lesson in looking after everything for a while on his own.

SurlyCue · 12/06/2015 21:15

Grin @ laurie!

Original poster
Furyfowler · 12/06/2015 21:15

Ha, i ised a 2nd username then! Bloody Iphone :/

OP posts:
Original poster
Furyfowler · 12/06/2015 21:17

I think thats ot threequarters.... He is helpful, but doesn't get how to balance it

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 12/06/2015 21:21

Each to their own artandco, but I would rather have a less than spotless house and spend more time with the kids, than have a showhome tbh.
Generally speaking, no reason you can't have both tbh.

Original poster
Furyfowler · 12/06/2015 21:24

Fair enough whatnaveilost.... I can't.

OP posts:
Artandco · 12/06/2015 21:25

I cant say 'tidying or basic household chores' takes us more than 15 mins a day each for dh and I. That leaves us both 23 hrs and 45mins to play with the children...

It's ok though, I know how terrible our parenting may seem to some. Ds's age 4 and 5 are currently playing Jenga with dh, bedtime isn't in sight.

StarlingMurmuration · 12/06/2015 21:26

My DP is a bit like is about the hoovering. He's always saying, "This room/ the stairs need to be hoovered!" I'm the SAHP at the moment, on maternity leave with a seven month old DS, and while I do a lot of the housework (washing up, dishwasher, tidying, laundry, bathrooms and kitchen etc), I can't Hoover because if I do it when DS is awake, it scares him, and if I do it when he's napping, it wakes him up! DP knows this, but still seems to think I should be able to magically do it anyway. Really pisses me off sometimes.

And describing one's own home as a 'shit hole' is always U.