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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be peed off with DH re work

40 replies

bubblypop · 12/06/2015 17:53

DH has form for refusing to discuss or talk about things if he doesn't want to. He'll just stonewall or change the subject. Thought I'd say that first.

About 8 months ago DH randomly decided to take voluntary redundancy at work as he wanted to work for himself. He is a specialist skilled tradesman and so it is a field he could work for himself in. This was solely his decision.

He had a couple of months of living off the redundancy pay and savings, and then did a few months' work for a friend who owns a business, which has now stopped. And he doesn't seem to have made any effort at all to find other work. I have suggested ways in which he could find work and offered to help him but he has all these conditions of places he refuses to work and certain things he refuses to do. He keeps saying he wants to "make a lot of money" but won't actually do anything! And we are fast running out of savings! He also refuses to job hunt as he wants to work for himself.

I work, and can and indeed have increased my hours but my earning capacity is nowhere near the earnings that he was earning previously. He also will not curb his spending and has in fact today bought a £500 bike!

I just a) resent being in an uncertain situation and b) resent the fact that he won't even talk about it.

I don't think he is depressed.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 12/06/2015 17:55

Do you have dc together?
Do you have joint finances?

Original poster
bubblypop · 12/06/2015 17:56

Yes we have 2 DCs of primary school age

Yes our finances are all joint.

OP posts:
SewingBox · 12/06/2015 17:57

When you say savings are fast running out, do you mean below levels you are comfortable with, or really there will soon be nothing left?

I really can't see a way he is being anything but very unreasonable though.

Original poster
bubblypop · 12/06/2015 17:58

I mean soon there will be nothing left!

We won't be entitled to any tax credits due to DH earning a high salary for the past few years so we will basically be screwed.

OP posts:
butterfly133 · 12/06/2015 17:59

hmmm...the only time the "I want to make a lot of money" thing is meaningful is when you are employed in such a way that it is possible. So if it is likely that a really highly paid role, or project, may appear, I can understand refusing very low pay in that time if it puts the higher pay stuff at risk. But that type of situation is rare, and I suspect from what you say, that this is not it? Even if it was, I would always say he could take the odd bit of temp work here and there while waiting for that to arrive. If you are running out of savings - YANBU!

Heyho111 · 12/06/2015 18:01

You are going to have to make him talk. Pick a time when you two are alone. Get all the finances out. Have a break down of expenses and have it there visually.
If he still refuses to talk text it to him. Just bills cost x. Income is x. Savings is x. Make him see it in black and white. He may be suffering from head in sand.

Pancakeflipper · 12/06/2015 18:02

If he wants to work for himself (which sounds viable) then has he done a business plan, put targets/objectives together and got his plan of business development ?

Maybe he's not focusing and drifting. Days do merge into 1. If he had it set out do you that would help?

Or sit down together and look at finances and how you are going to lay not just for essentials but treats as a family.

PumpkinPie2013 · 12/06/2015 18:06

YANBU!

If he wants to work for himself, he needs to be flexible about what he is willing to do and where - especially in the beginning when building up his reputation.

Otherwise, he needs to go back to working for someone else.

Bills don't pay themselves and savings won't last forever - he needs to realise that quickly.

ScrumpyBetty · 12/06/2015 19:30

Can you transfer your earnings in to a seperate account that only you can access to cover necessities such as bills and food so that your DH can't spend everything away whilst he is looking/ putting his head in the sand about finding work?

HootyMcTooty · 12/06/2015 21:24

Yanbu. Redundancy pay isn't a reason not to work. If I were in that situation I would start looking for work not wait until the money runs out.

If things don't change, at the very least you need to split your finances. Don't fund his lifestyle.

Penfold007 · 12/06/2015 21:37

Start separating the finances and if you possibly can build a little fund for yourself. As hard as it is stop unwittingly enabling his behaviour. Good luck.

Metalguru · 12/06/2015 21:41

Check again re: tax credits. If he left 8 months ago, your payments for 2015-2016 should be based on your salary last year, and his projected s/e earnings, not what he earned in his previous job.

BreadmakerFan · 12/06/2015 21:47

Don't give him dinner tomorrow. Can't afford it now the savings are gone.

SorchaN · 12/06/2015 23:24

Try to talk to him. But if he absolutely refuses, sell his bike on gumtree!

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/06/2015 23:47

Who organises the finances? Because I can't see buying a 500 quid bike when you are out of work and almost out of savings as anything other than reckless and incredibly selfish.

Put the budget in front of him and tell him he needs to contribute. You can't live at a deficit.

Mistigri · 13/06/2015 06:49

Open your own bank account and have your salary and your share of any savings paid into it as soon as you can. Your first priority here is to protect yourself and your children.

Why did he accept voluntary redundancy from his old job? I wonder if something was going on that he didn't tell you about - I don't necessarily mean anything "concerning", mode something like workplace bullying that may have affected his mental health and confidence.

Original poster
bubblypop · 15/06/2015 18:47

I could open my own account but I really don't earn that much so it wouldn't cover our living expenses.

I don't think there was anything that made him leave his job other than the fact that he wanted to work for himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
bubblypop · 15/06/2015 18:53

Oh and I meant to say too that I have tried several times over the weekend to talk to him and each time he just goes on his phone and/or ignores me!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 15/06/2015 19:19

Send him a text saying that he either talks to you and the pair of you work out a way of resolving the situation, or he can wait to hear from your lawyer because you will divorce him. He cannot expect to sit on his arse waiting for a miracle while you do all the work. And if he does feel so 'special' that he won't look for a job, you would be financially safer throwing him out and claiming tax credits as a single parent.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2015 19:36

I don't think there was anything that made him leave his job other than the fact that he wanted to work for himself. But he clearly didn't want to work for himself. He sat around, then worked for a friend, then sat around.

mickeysminnie · 16/06/2015 18:35

MrsTerryPrachett is right.
The redundancy money was his cushion while he set up in business and got established. The fact that he has just arsed around means his money and time is up.

Original poster
bubblypop · 16/06/2015 20:09

I am getting more and more frustrated every day.

I keep trying to talk to him but he just will not listen. Even when I spell out the fact that our outgoings reflect him earning the level that he used to earn at.

I have even suggested that we move to a smaller, cheaper house - there is one in our village that would be perfect - be he won't hear of it.

He has a habit of living in cloud cuckoo land for some things, and it seems as though he is currently residing there again!!

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 16/06/2015 21:12

He has already spent his share of your savings so take the rest out and put it in your account plus your own income. No point in talking it's consequences from here on. Do cheap cheap dinners with very little on his plate. Don't talk about it again. If he complains he has no money say lm sure you'll sort it. It's a disgrace he has spent his redundancy and your savings..that was your chance to get a little nest egg. So no more discussion. If he knows you are doing the worrying he won't bother so step back.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/06/2015 21:32

You talk; he doesn't listen. So stop talking and act your words. You can't live like this so let him know what your line in the sand is. Personally, I would be reconsidering my relationship with a sulky, selfish, work-shy man who wouldn't communicate about issues or money. But that's me.

BuggersMuddle · 16/06/2015 22:21

YANBU - he needs to make an effort, but if jobs are in short supply or it's a dry spell, he also needs to cut his coat accordingly. £500 might not be a big deal for your household when both working, but he needs to cut his coat according to his current cloth, not what he thinks might turn up (with no effort Hmm ) next week.

Agree with others - I'd take control of the remaining savings to ensure this can't happen.

DP was made redundant with a decent payoff, so we set ourselves timescales for making changes to our lifestyle (e.g. if no job after X time we will cut Y; after another N months, we will cut Z).

We actually didn't have to make too many changes to our day to day (I am a moderately high earner), but we sure as shit didn't make large non-essential purchases like bikes and were careful with socialising while I was sole earner.

BTW I say this as someone with a bike that had a cost in the thousands sitting in my utility room - I like bicycles, but I still think your DH is being unreasonable.

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