to enjoy the idea of motherhood more than the reality of it?

[PacificDogwood]

Sigh.

Just that.

There's some other shit going on in my life and I do love my children and am fully aware how very, very lucky I am to have them (I came to motherhood late in life).
But I don't like what it has done to me.
And I really don't like every aspect of it.
I was in tears this morning over a shouted 'I hate you!' from DS4(5) which was only the straw that broke the camels sad back - somebody please hand me a grip.

I can't say that I am particularly enjoying the theory or the practice at the moment.

Really pleased I came across this thread.

I'm a sahm and sometimes feel so trapped, I love my daughter's dd1 10 is no problem but dd2 20months has me in tears far to regularly, every day is a struggle and makes even the simplest activity a complete nightmare.

I'm disappointed in the type of mother I am, I shout too much, seem to always be saying no. Found myself throwing myself into keeping the house really clean and tidy just so I can feel I've done something, anything good or productive and then of course no one notices and I feel useless all over again. My self esteem and self worth is at a all time low and I know that no one around me notices how I'm struggling so feel as if no one even cares and so the circle continues.

Yes to swarming bastard needy cats and being a domestic goddess to deflect attention from the fact that you're bored of being with the baby. Yes, yes to feeling inadequate because of all of the above.

The only vision of motherhood I had was one where I miraculously - and finally - found my purpose in life. It didn't happen.

I have a theory in my head that I keep there and never mention IRL. I reckon that I was dissatisfied and wound up all the time when they were under 5 as I am not a laid back, mañana person. Because I crave stimulation and like things to happen fast. I drive fast, I eat fast, I housework fast. I plan activities back to back with little time for manoeuvre, as I get very very frustrated with snails pace living.

The parents I saw ( and I include DH in this ) that didn't find under 5s so incredibly frustrating were those that worked to different timelines, happy with a slower pace, more laid back. So they didn't scream inside when it took an hour to get out of the house in the morning and then before you're even off the drive one has liked everywhere and the other has fallen and grazed its knee. You can smell the activity and the freedom of leaving the house and it was within your grasp, but now it's all gone to shit.

Liked = puked

No, I'm a mañana person and I abhorred ages 3-5. You're right in that I didn't mind toddler insanity and general slowness, though. Taking an hour to leave the house is horrible whoever you are. I was really laid back about licking stuff, falling over, distractions while walking, etc, but the back-and-forth process of dressing them and getting shoes on is soul destroying. You know, when they take them off faster than you can get them on, and scream, flail into impossible positions, and kick you, and refuse to wear any kind of hat ever.

My theory is that I find it so frustrating and perplexingly dull because my expectations were too high. I always wanted to be a mother. It was the only consistent thing I ever wanted. So I expected it to be hard, of course, and I expected there to be work, and I probably do resent the housework side a little bit more than I expected to, but I just thought that I would generally enjoy their company. You know in AP circles you sometimes get those mums whose kids don't have a bedtime, and who home educate, and they ponder why other parents talk about bedtime or school being a break from the children. I just thought that I would be like that, but most of the time DS' company is so draining I do need a break from it! And then I think I've either done something wrong for him to be so full on, or I'm a horrible person for not accepting him. Other people seem to like him. When I see him through the lens of what they say or what I share on facebook, etc, I can see what they mean - he is a great kid. So then it's me, right? What kind of a mother is 90% irritated by her child?

Oh okay. Theoretical, I think even the most "mañana" person balks at puke, TBH! :)

It is boring but I have to say, I wouldn't have wanted to be a mum before iPads were invented. I have discovered you can do jigsaws online for free. They make nice pretend clicking sounds when you fit the pieces together . It stops me going postal when we are watching Peppa pig for the billionth time. I have also changed to those books with millions of lift up flaps for bedtime so I don't get annoyed with DD grappling the book off me, 'reading' it backwards, shutting it on my fingers - I stupidly thought reading to DC would be fun!!

I live in an area where hiring a nanny and a cleaner are the done thing. London being what it is, (with rich and less rich living in the same street) my tiny income and tinier flat can't stretch to such things. DH and I gad about working, doing chores, making sure DD is looked after (by family and friends), and trying to find the time to spend together as a couple and a family. Life is overtaking any chance for quality time right now.

When DD is having a "moment" it just adds to all the crap life throws at you. I dearly love her, but her questioning my motives, my discipline, my behaviour at every opportunity wears us both down . When I tell her to reign it in, there's tears and shouting, and sending to her room, and banning of treats, and all kinds of things which my DH hates and I feel bad for enforcing.

I often wonder why I volunteered to procreate.

theoretical I love your theory. I describe getting out of the house as dragging three dead weights through golden syrup... And I only have two children.

Trying to get my 3 out of the house is like trying to herd cats.
No matter what time I start getting them ready something always happens at the last moment ( usually ds2 doing a stinking poo in his nappy) I then have to change him and the other 2 disappear, so the process of rounding them up begins again!
I work part-time and feel I am not particularly effective at work or at home with the children.
Yesterday afternoon I attempted to get 5 minutes peace by hiding in the bedroom with my phone. The 2 youngest found me and started climbing all over me, whinging and bickering and poking me in the face. Arrrgghhh!

To those who say it gets harder are wrong. It's the mundane, relentless, irrational, petty, physical knackering elements of early childhood that is soul destroying.

When they are older the stress is more about worrying about what ifs and watching them make mistakes, the bad things are worse but they usually aren't mundane. Teenagers tend not to have a melt down because you cut the toast the wrong way. And if they do you can walk out the house and leave them to it.

I so get that over touching thing, too, and am heartened to hear I'm not the only one.

Pre DC I would have described myself as extrovert, tactile, sociable. By the time they were 5 I wanted nothing more than to be left alone with no one touching me or wanting anything from me. Poor old DH would come in from work and want a cuddle and I would look at him like he'd asked for the earth.

In our haze of wanting our children close together we ended up with three in four years
Some days are good, but most of the time I shout and threaten, for instance we are going to a friends party today am my DH cannot come as he has had to fly home for a family funeral. I have literally threatened that if they play me up or raise their voice just once I will be walking out to drop them with my grandparents and I will go back to the party and have loads of fun. They look pretty concerned
Naughty mummy

YYY Pretty and Footle.

It gets less physically hard work when they are older. But more emotional hard work. It's like a scale that looks like a big X

I do think people find different aspects hard, though. The thing I find worst I can't quite articulate - it's something about when I can't make DS do something, and I need him to do it, and I just feel totally and utterly ineffectual and have no idea what to do. And I only have ONE.

I've said it before on MN, for me motherhood was always a long game - I've never been broody in my life, decided to TTC was entirely a head decision and I liked the idea of having a pack of cubs frolicking around together

Yy to unrealistic expectations - I think it is a scandal how motherhood is being mis-sold and if I weren't so knackered I'd figure out who to complain to…

Bertie, I recognise myself in a lot you write (although I have the insight to know that I am not an academic and stay away from learned reading about development and socialisation ).
I think the feeling you are describing is being utter, utterly bored AND stressed at the same time. I've felt/I feel like that rather a lot although less often the further we go from toddlerhood. And yes, I used to get terribly touched out which has had a huge and Not Good effect on DH and me.

DS1 is now 12 and going to high school after the summer. One of the boys he used to be good friends with and who used to come to our house a lot is now hanging out the the Yr4s, is on detention more often than not, swears at teacher, has deliberately thrown rocks through windows of houses neighbouring the school (in a naice neighbourhood), allegedly sniffs glue and aerosols - it is so sad. He is a bright, funny, articulate kid, but his (involved and lovely) parents are just helpless in this. And I worry. I do.
I have 4 boys and I worry about how I'll get them through adolescence to, say, 25 unscathed.

Pacific that's what I mean when I say things don't necessarily get easier - they just become different.
The stresses are different.
For me at the moment coping with the hormones in our house is a really big stress - I can actually feel my BP is through the roof.
Iv had this weekend off - albeit DH has worked through it - so I will return to work tomorrow not one jot feeling refreshed.

Pretty not saying it's gets harder as they get older - but for a lot of people it does not get easier.

The stresses are different.

When they're little they tread in your lap. When they're big they tread in your heart.
Old Yiddish saying.

^^^
Yyyyyy.

Parenting is fundamentally an unselfish act. I am fundamentally a selfish person. I've come to know and accept that, and mitigate it where possible. It is hard, boring, stressful, frustrating and a million other negatives on a daily basis. There are positives, of course there are and amazing ones they can be too, but sometimes they feel a very long way away. It's the long game that I sometimes find myself resenting in a way. I feel very alone on occasions, I know my mind and thoughts don't work quite the same way as my friends and because of that there's no one in the world I can be truly utterly honest with, and be my true self with. As a result parenting is singularly the hardest thing I have ever or will ever do. I mostly don't like it even though the love us almost primal in its strength.

The message 'oh it doesn't get any easier you know' (delivered with some relish) from my next door neighbour when elder son was a week old and I had suggested that I wouldn't see the new year in at her party nearly tipped me over the edge (I could see no life ahead of me) - and I would've taken him with me. For me, it got better, slightly better after the nightmare of tiny-babyhood, then much better after the slightly less nightmarish years of toddlerdom.

(Ironically, two of my next door neighbours 4 grown up kids are now in prison for separate violent crime - in hindsight I should have realised her take on motherhood might not have been the most objective....)

Nothing, nothing, nothing can prepare you for motherhood.
I thought I had half an idea of what it all entailed. My sister, who I'm very close to, had 3 under 5 and I spent a lot of time in her house when it was pure madness.
I saw her being quite unhappy, constantly stressed and rushing around between school and play school with a newborn in tow who refused to take a bottle for 8 months.

So yeah, I thought I knew what I was getting into when we decided to have a baby.

I didn't foresee being blindsided by severe PND, but neither did I realise the loss of myself. The boredom, frustration, and worst of all, having to pretend it was all such a JOY because they're only small for a short time and isn't it precious and yadda yadda yadda with all the other ridiculous statements people come out with under the assumption that you LOVE it and it's ALL you ever wanted.

My DC is 4 now and I love every bit of him, he is the funniest, cleverest, huggiest child ever. I love having fun with him.
I also love working full time, I love my own space and my hobbies and he'll be our one and only.

I know myself very well. I know I'd be a shit, shouty, frustrated mother of more than one child.
It's not what we 'planned' pre-DC, just the one, but living it as opposed to imagining it nailed the answer to the question of a bigger family.

I only have 1 and have usually run out of patience by midday on Saturday. My latest frustration is that she changes her mind all the time - about going to this friend's house or starting a new club. Everything is a battle and quite I often I just think 'sod it'd and do nothing. Very disappointed with myself and sad that although I always wanted more, I can see its now becoming less and less likely.