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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to enjoy the idea of motherhood more than the reality of it?

115 replies

PacificDogwood · 12/06/2015 16:24

Sigh.

Just that.

There's some other shit going on in my life and I do love my children and am fully aware how very, very lucky I am to have them (I came to motherhood late in life).
But I don't like what it has done to me.
And I really don't like every aspect of it.
I was in tears this morning over a shouted 'I hate you!' from DS4(5) which was only the straw that broke the camels sad back - somebody please hand me a grip.

OP posts:

littlejohnnydory · 13/06/2015 09:59

What do you enjoy doing with your children? Do more of that. Whatever helps you connect with them. That's what will make the challenging aspects fade into insignificance.

NickyEds · 13/06/2015 12:09

littlejohn I love being out and about with ds. I think I'm finding it hard at the moment as I'm just sooo pregnant. Even toddler groups which I used to like are just too hard!!

There is relief in sight though ladies. My sister has teenagers and they're very hard, I have a toddler with another on the way which is also hard but we were talking about it to our dad who said that his current stage of parenting is fantastic. We don't cost him any money, buy him a pint, make him dinner and furnish him with Grand children! We're 35 and 45 so just a few years to go!

bronya · 13/06/2015 12:27

I take my hat off to you OP for managing with 4 children. I only have two (one still very much bf as has too many food allergies to eat much) and am currently on the sofa watching Nick Jr with two overtired tiny DC who couldn't sleep last night because it was too hot. Going out would involve less tired whinging (but more tantrums I suspect). I am too tired to spend an hour getting us all dressed though. Still, the dog needs a walk...

goodnessgraciousgouda · 13/06/2015 12:44

My mother told me that you always love your children, but you will often really dislike them. And I think that's the truth of it.

Sometimes kids are obnoxious little shits. It's much, much healthier to acknowledge and accept that - whilst knowing that obviously you still love them - rather than feeling this pressure to have to worship the ground they walk on every second of every day.

Which in my personal view, is very unhealthy.

Unless you have been blessed with children which an impartial stranger would describe as absolute perfect angels.

Nolim · 13/06/2015 14:41

littlejohnnydory with all due respect you are being patronizing by claiming that challenging aspects become igsignificant.

answersonapostcardplease · 13/06/2015 15:27

I have 4 dcs from 13 to 2. I think as they get older its less physically demanding and you may get more time away from them but yep they are hard work in ither ways.

answersonapostcardplease · 13/06/2015 15:34

Hadn't finished, had to retrieve 2 year old ds1 off trampoline.

Dh is doing diy so I'm in charge of dcs on on my own, usually he does loads with them at weekend. So far teen has demanded many things, stomped and shouted at me. i may have retaliated dd2 10, has talked, sang, fought with younger dc and generally been a pita, dd3, 6 has been dropped and ran at a party, ds 2 is being unusually good today. I have however bribed him with a blow up hammer and sweets.

notinacton · 13/06/2015 16:01

I have 2 DCs, 3 and 5. I work full time in a demanding, stressful job (which I do love though) and am a single mum with no financial support from my ex. I adore my DCs but life is a total slog! How could it not be?! I know just how you feel. It's very sad that admitting to this should be such a big taboo. Hope your DCs give you an easy time of it this weekend! (If I'm honest, I spend my weekends looking forward to going back to work. And yes, I feel awful about that.)

SouthBySouthWest · 13/06/2015 16:02

Aww, Pacific, you are most definitely the only one who feel like this. My 2 DSs regularly have me reaching for the wine way too much, and that's just on a normal day. Add in any other stresses going on and my ability to cope is stretched to the limit.

We struggled to conceive, and went through 2 cycles of IVF to get to where we are now. Sometimes I feel I should be more grateful for getting to experience the chaos of family life.

I think I'm like you - the early years are physically hard. I need my space, and I'm just not getting enough. My emotional reserves are at an all time low. I get ill all the time. I'm a shouty mother more than I'd like. I hide from my children more than I should (I like to think we are playing hide and seek, and that they just haven't been informed).

And like you, also decided that taking on a dog would be a really good thing just now. I have to say, he has been such a calming influence for me that I think that on balance, it's not added stress, but removed some. I get to tell the kids to behave, or they might upset the hound and then I get to stroke his back as he leans into me for a cuddle, and that helps the stress levels a bit.

twirlypoo · 13/06/2015 16:14

I needed this thread today - thank you For starting it but I'm sorry you feel crap.

DS (3) is totally driving me mad at the mo, he is picking up on this so he's hanging off me. Literally, holding onto my leg or my top and hanging. I'm utterly touched out and would quite like to hide but I'm a lone parent so no respite ever. We went into a shop in town earlier and the lady behind the counter was a bit, er, rough around the edges and she said "God he's being a little shit isn't he?" I was torn between crying and saying yes, and outrage that she called him that.

We are home now and I just have 2 hours till bedtime to get through. Wish me luck!

RackofPeas · 13/06/2015 16:40

Today DS2 did the mother of all poops and then the nappy change turned into something out of WWF. Screaming, shouting, kicking, flailing and attempting to hit me with whatever came to hand. He can only say "Mama", "Dada", "Ditdit" (his brother) and "Dat!" (cat) but I know there were plenty of insults in the babble.
Had to pin him down to get the nappy on.
Gave up at that point and he spent the next hour running about with his vest and dungarees flapping loose. Looked like he was wearing a dress.
I'm off for a

Original poster

PacificDogwood · 13/06/2015 20:26

Oh, I am glad this thread turned in to a bit of a support group - power to all of us

OP posts:

thatscottishbiscuit · 13/06/2015 20:36

Pacific YANBU, of course.

My two have been trying lately. And yet I long, long for the third we will now never have.

Hormones, eh?!

Good luck with the swimming

answersonapostcardplease · 13/06/2015 20:44

pacific I might take my younger 3 swimming tomorrow too. Maybe

Wideopenspace · 13/06/2015 20:51

No one tells bout the BOREDOM that is part of parenthood.

The boredom of being awake all the time with a baby clamped to your nipple (or a bottle). Watching reruns of CSI. It's not even very good, CSI.

The boredom of playing the same game with toddlers. OVERandoverandoveragain.

The endless boredom of just getting everyone through to the end of the day day fed, happy and alive.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 13/06/2015 20:53

The boredom of endless parties hosted just far enough away that it's not worth going home. Normally at a soft play on an industrial estate. ...

Wideopenspace · 13/06/2015 20:58

Yes, penguin...that too.

Why ARE they on industrial estates?

answersonapostcardplease · 13/06/2015 21:06

Must admit I quite enjoyed pick up party experiece today as was offered pimms. Nom.

BertieBotts · 13/06/2015 21:06

I'm totally with you OP :(

YYY to boredom.

I think soft plays are on industrial estates because they're so huge they don't fit anywhere else? And perhaps neighbours complain. They always seem to pump out huge amounts of stinking chip grease air and have horrid loud air filter things, which are working flat out but totally ineffectual inside the actual building. They're often ex warehouses, aren't they?

I will join the support group!

BertieBotts · 13/06/2015 21:09

I don't really know what I thought motherhood would be - does anyone else ponder this? I mean, did I think I'd be one of the children in the happy big family having fun? I'm puzzled as to what I thought would be so great about it. I mentioned to DH the other day that I don't enjoy 90% of parenthood and it makes me sad. He looked at me funny and said "It isn't supposed to be fun!"

I wish someone had told me that

StarlingMurmuration · 13/06/2015 21:14

Rack, I feel your pain about the nappy change. Ever since DS learned to roll, he continuously tries to roll throughout every nappy change, with me continuously and often onehandedly rolling him back while simultaneously trying to prevent poo going everywhere. It turns a two minute job into a five or ten minute wrestling match every time.

Today my DP went out to get a battery for his watch and to do the food shopping, and was out three fucking hours during which time DS whined and grumbled constantly. When he got back, I handed DS over and said, 'I have to lie down' then fucked off upstairs for two hours. Sometimes I just cannot stand another second in DS's company, much as I love him. 'Touched out' is the perfect description. Trouble is, as soon as I manage to put the baby down, one or the other of our two cats swarms onto my knee. I just want to scream 'STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!!!!!' like a crazy person sometimes.

And the boredom! Looking after a baby can be so so DULL. I'm so so glad to have found this thread because sometimes I feel like such an unnatural mother.

girliefriend · 13/06/2015 21:15

I have one dd and its tough, infact it can be emotionally draining a lot of the time. I love the bones of her but sometimes

Op I would be rocking in a corner with four of them

BertieBotts · 13/06/2015 21:26

My other issue is that I read and theorise too much. For example. The resisting thing is to do with transitions, (changing activity) apparently. Transitions are a hard thing that we have to get used to. Children supposedly need a lot of preparation for changing activity, except it doesn't actually bloody work and it doesn't make it easier. But the short reason is that they have a hard time moving from "I'm quite satisfied and comfortable doing what I'm doing right now, thanks" to take in the effort of getting up and getting ready and the annoyingness of getting in the car etc to get to wherever it is and thinking ahead to "I'll enjoy this when we get there, and the day will be really long and stale if we stay in all day, so it's a good thing to go out" that an adult can do.

I am stupidly jealous of all of my friends who have more. I have convinced myself that DS being an only child is what makes him so entitled and self centred, because it's not something we've encouraged, ever. He threw a tantrum the other day because when somebody came to see ME, they didn't pay enough attention to him. He's six! I'd expect that from a three year old, FFS.

But then I don't know if I'd be any good at having more than one

PumpkinPie2013 · 13/06/2015 21:27

YANBU - I adore my ds but my god he's hard work at times!

He's 18 months, so at the tantrum stage and some days nothing seems to please him.

Today was great - we went on a day out and did a boat ride and played in the park. He loved it and we had a lovely day.

It's the days when I need to get stuff done and he can't have my full attention for every second of the day that and he decides to whine/tantrum/throw stuff and generally cause havoc that I find it utterly draining!

Some days, I practically dance in to work! ! !

Have some and lots of

BertieBotts · 13/06/2015 21:29

Rack - can you stick him in the bath standing up and hose him down with the shower head? I used to do that with DS until one day he suddenly became terrified of it for no reason. Then I just had to sit on him.

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