To suggest people give DS money rather than a present?

[Pepperpotts66]

DS1 is 5 in a few weeks and is having a big party. He is crazy about Thunderbirds and wants the new Tracy Island that comes out in August. I've already bought him the vintage thunderbird models off ebay for him and can't really buy the island too, plus it doesn't come out until after his birthday. I've explained its very expensive and that it could be a Christmas present or he can save up his pocket money and any birthday money he gets. The thing is he now wants to ask his friends and family for money on the party invites rather than presents and I'm not sure if people would be offended by this?

I was wondering if on the invite I put a small note saying that if people are stuck for an idea as to what to get him he is collecting money for Tracy island but that we don't expect people to give money if they don't want to and that we don't exoect people to buy a present if they don't want to. I'm so worried about sounding like we are presuming people will buy him things.

The thing is every year we end up with a pile of presents that he isn't bothered with so I actually think he's come up with a very sensible idea. He's very obsessional and only plays with a few select things, we are actually looking into an ASD diagnosis at the moment. Don't get me wrong he always acts grateful and says thank you for gifts but the end up in the bottom of the toy box unless they're a plane or a train.

Thank you in advance!

I agree that you should avoid putting it on the invites - mine seems to be a minority view. It seems many people would be offended/annoyed by it.

When we get an invitation, I always text acceptance with a note saying 'can you suggest something they would like, or I am happy to do cash or an Amazon voucher if they are saving up for something big' -I hate shopping and am delighted when parents accept that suggestion.

MrsHathaway has a great suggestion!

My Mum (Mother to 9 children - all with partners, grandchildren and now great-children) would put her head in her hands as Easter loomed. She now sellotapes a £1 coin to a mini-easter egg. Job done!

But it took her own children to say "stop feeling you have to do it"

I've no kids, but lots of nieces and nephews. I usually ask where to get a voucher for, when birthdays come around. I'm not sure how I'd feel, to be honest, at being asked.
The other thing is, I've often seen my nieces and nephews enjoying buying a present and card for a little friend's party, and I think that is nice.

I wouldn't put any note in the invitation, OP.

I find requests for money vulgar.

peopke ask for ideas, then its fine to say a couple of quid

not fine to "suggest" it on an invite. imo of course

yes to vulgar.

i find it very interesting that, ime, the people who, like me, are struggling, live in what some would say are dodgy area, common as muck would rather chew off a limb than request money or certain gifts, find this vulgar. yet people i would say are affluent, a few levels above me are the grabby ones! thats just my observation, im sure thats not how it is everywhere

I'd be completely relaxed about cash being mentioned on the invite. In fact it's preferable to the vague "oh he's into Lego right now" when you ask for gift ideas. I've sometimes given cash plus a present when it's a particularly good friend, because I'm a rebel like that

i do mean irl btw, not suggesting anyone finding this vulgar on mn are common as muck. im SURE thats not the case. it is mn afterall

I've explained its very expensive and that it could be a Christmas present

Your answer was in your OP!

Go with the flow for the birthday and don't think you have to micro-manage his birthday gifts (money) so that he gets his Tracy Island earlier.

It's not released until July and the retail price is TBC. What we saw was the first public prototype so it may change a bit, but it certainly was a lot of fun.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/thunderbirds-tracy-island-first-look-5009648

I do the January sales craft bits for general parties etc and as a rule I hate giving money. But for family and the dc close friends I usually ask the mum for suggestions. If you said your child was saving for something important to them I would happily give money.

I would say...

Don't put it in the invitations

Do suggest it to close family/friends

Go with Mrs Hathaway's wording if anyone from school actually asks

It's a quiet country school. Half the families are pretty well off and the rest of us are in council housing. I know there's at least one mum who is struggling financially and I've already told her not to worry about getting him anything.

I'm far from affluent. Live in a council house etc. I work from home but as DS2 is ill it's very hard going at the moment and I've had to take a step back. I do an all nighter every now and then for extra cash when special occasions are coming up.

I just thought it was an idea that might help people out. I personally hate buying presents and always feel very under pressure. DS doesn't particulatly enjoy picking presents out unless it's a train or a plane, he can't understand why everyone doesn't love them. Also I'm so busy it's very hard to go out and buy a present so I personally would always prefer to give cash but then feel awkward doing that because I worry that it looks like I haven't bothered.

I'm in the yabu camp.
I'd be uncomfortable even accepting the inviation, in case I was the only one not gone along with the tenner in a card.

No matter how you dress it up or justify it, it's not 'helping people out' to put that in an invitation. It doesn't matter that you don't like shopping, are busy, your son only wants to buy people trains. It's about the guests invited to the party.

You want to Tracy Island for your child but don't yet have the money to buy it, the whole 'I'm doing it to help people' is cobblers. Tracy Island is not going anywhere. He can save up for it and if family ask tell them.

I can afford it but I personally feel it would be spoiling him if I bought it for him plus the other things I've bought him but then again he's had a really rough year and next year is probably going to be just as difficult. Maybe spoiling him wouldn't hurt.

Good post.

I wonder if people would be just as offended if I asked everyone to not bring a present at all at the risk of offending the people that can't afford presents.

'I wonder if people would be just as offended if I asked everyone to not bring a present at all at the risk of offending the people that can't afford presents.'

Sure you do.

I am a bit perplexed at all the pennypinching on this thread. Dd3 is getting a lot of party invites to various commercial venues at the moment. When I am looking at the toy shop shelves to buy the present I do have at the back of my mind how much the party giver is spending for my dd to attend. I thought this was normal.
Op I think you are right that one really wanted joint present is better and less spoiling than lots of stuff your ds will not value.

'I am a bit perplexed at all the pennypinching on this thread.'

Luck you! Some people have 2+ kids who get invited to loads of parties, particularly at that age, and don't have unlimited funds and so do the best they can - 3 for £10 deals, that sort of thing. Believe it or not, some people 'pennypinch' because they have to.

Thanks everyone. I've decided to say on the invites that if people are stuck for ideas or too busy to get anything DS will be more than happy for a couple of quid in a card towards a special toy and that I'm not expecting gifts or money, it is purely a suggestion and if anyone wants anymore ideas to get in touch with me.

howabout - so you give more the parents who can afford a more extravagant party? I try not to tailor the presents to the affluence of the family!

I certainly wouldn't put the money idea in an invite/card just leave it in case someone asks you what they'd like.

If someone asks you what he would like, maybe something along the lines of "DS is obsessed with the Thunderbirds right now. He's saving every penny he gets for a big Tracy Island toy. Maybe something to go with that?"

Then they can guess he would like money, what he is likely to spend it on, and what theme of a present to give him if they don't want to give cash.

But maybe not on the invitation.

Utterly awful - please don't do this ,its very grabby.

Small DC like to take a wrapped gift that they can give to the B DAY child.
That's the point, choose a gift, wrap, give.