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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To suggest people give DS money rather than a present?

130 replies

Pepperpotts66 · 12/06/2015 15:45

DS1 is 5 in a few weeks and is having a big party. He is crazy about Thunderbirds and wants the new Tracy Island that comes out in August. I've already bought him the vintage thunderbird models off ebay for him and can't really buy the island too, plus it doesn't come out until after his birthday. I've explained its very expensive and that it could be a Christmas present or he can save up his pocket money and any birthday money he gets. The thing is he now wants to ask his friends and family for money on the party invites rather than presents and I'm not sure if people would be offended by this?

I was wondering if on the invite I put a small note saying that if people are stuck for an idea as to what to get him he is collecting money for Tracy island but that we don't expect people to give money if they don't want to and that we don't exoect people to buy a present if they don't want to. I'm so worried about sounding like we are presuming people will buy him things.

The thing is every year we end up with a pile of presents that he isn't bothered with so I actually think he's come up with a very sensible idea. He's very obsessional and only plays with a few select things, we are actually looking into an ASD diagnosis at the moment. Don't get me wrong he always acts grateful and says thank you for gifts but the end up in the bottom of the toy box unless they're a plane or a train.

Thank you in advance!

OP posts:

cjt110 · 12/06/2015 16:33

I was thinking the very same for DS' birthday in August. He will be 1. He has oodles of toys and clothes until 18m.

sadwidow28 · 12/06/2015 16:35

Let me give you the opposite scenario.......

I still buy for my former-neighbour's children - they were friends when we lived next door, but friendships change when people move away. I struggled to think of ideas to buy for the boys.... but put my effort into finding great bargains within my budget.

This year, I have put money in their cards as they are now 15 and 17 years old. Time for me to stop stressing out! If I can only manage £10 - so be it!

sadwidow28 · 12/06/2015 16:38

cjt110 - so you only want your 1 year old child to be given birthday gifts that YOU would appreciate.

What about the joy of the people who are spending their hard-earned money, choosing a gift and wrapping it lovingly? I have been so excited to watch children unwrap my gifts in front of their parents....... call me sad

Ooops - that is my ID anyway isn't it?

GahBuggerit · 12/06/2015 16:42

dont worry cjt. ime people get that as they know the score having experiencdd the same so buy stuff you can use for ages after

Getthewonderwebout · 12/06/2015 16:42

I think you'll find lots of pArents ask you if there's something in particular your child wants so at that point it's perfectly reasonable to suggest money.

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/06/2015 16:43

depends doesn't it sad my kids have always been grateful and said thank you. nit families especially can get carried away. There isn't always the space to store stuff.

money and vouchers cab be saved up and stuff bought as and when you want/need it.

We have a small house and family insist on buying stuff for the kids and duplicates at their house and when the tat falls apart here we get their One as they were "clearing out" so ultimately we have two of many things both of which are missing or damaged in different ways so together they make a whole but We have NO SPACE.

so I think nudging towards money and vouchers where possible is preferable

GahBuggerit · 12/06/2015 16:44

If youre sad Sad them so am i

Athenaviolet · 12/06/2015 16:52

Ime lots of people give cash anyway for 5yos.

I wouldn't specifically ask though except for very close friends/family.

Floggingmolly · 12/06/2015 16:56

It's rude, however you dress it up. Why are you having a party when you can't afford to buy him the present he wants? You can't charge admission to the party just to have your cake and eat it.

eatscakefornoreasonwhatsoever · 12/06/2015 16:57

how about if you say 'please don't feel obliged to buy a present, but do ask X's mum if you really want to get him something'? Or is that just as bad? (kind of threadjacking here as i was wondering the same about my DS's b-day)

expatinscotland · 12/06/2015 17:03

'MN however doesn't like not being able to wrap one of their book or toy bargains they congratulate themselves on being organised enough to have purchased to have all birthdays and Xmas covered for 10 years. and a million AiBU threads stating how rude you are. You will get given stuff out of principle. grin'

Some people have a very low income and score those bargains because they honestly don't have £5 to spend on every child's party their children attend and don't want to look cheap.

That's why it is rude.

And it's equally rude to do the 'Oh, don't give a present but yes to cash.'

Original poster

Pepperpotts66 · 12/06/2015 17:06

His party has been arranged for ages and I have already bought him lots of things. I feel buying it for him would be spoiling him and think its really good that he wants to save up for it.

Really want to stress that I am not trying to be a grabby parent.

Like the selling his toys idea except he likes to keep everything in case his little brother might want it and we take lots of stuff he doesn't want into hospital when we are there. His little brother is seriously I'll so we spend a lot of time in and out of hospitals and we like to donate boys and pieces when we can.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pepperpotts66 · 12/06/2015 17:06

Really appreciate the responses everyone. Thank you x

OP posts:

TealFanClub · 12/06/2015 17:08

dont unless people ask

Its rude

Original poster

Pepperpotts66 · 12/06/2015 17:08

Bits and pieces, not boys whoops!

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 12/06/2015 17:08

Floggingmolly Do you know, you have made me see something here.

The OP is not unable to pay for his party - that is clear. But perhaps her 5yr old would prefer that he gets 'Tracy Island' to play with rather than a birthday party where all the other Mummies and children attend.

When do birthday parties become 'compulsory'?

Break the mould OP! Have a family party, cake on Tracy Island!

expatinscotland · 12/06/2015 17:10

No matter how you dress it up, it's rude because it puts people on the spot.

findingmyfeet12 · 12/06/2015 17:10

I think it's a good idea - we waste money and resources on useless tat but shy away from making a perfectly sensible suggestion. No one is forcing anyone to part with money but surely it's accepted that those attending will invariably bring a gift?

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/06/2015 17:11

expat I was talking about teh very people who grab about having signed up to book people and ordered sets, and those who bulk buy in jan sales for all the patties they think their kid will be invited to who go on to tell people they should do that rather than turn up empty handed or with a bag if haribo or £2 stuck to the card.

Which people should feel able to do without fear of being the subject if a thread. I'd happily accept anyone without a card or present and op does not sound like she expects anytbing or would be nasty.

those people aren't offering ways to save none, merely pointing out how super organised and brilliant they are and making those who cant afford that feel crap.

expatinscotland · 12/06/2015 17:12

True, sad. We cannot afford both for our children: party and big toy/treat, so they chose. The solution is not telling school friends you want money as a gift.

Pumpeedo · 12/06/2015 17:12

It would depend if Mylene Klass' daughters were on the guest list. She'd have it straight on Twitter . . !

Original poster

Pepperpotts66 · 12/06/2015 17:12

He wants the party sadly, I'm not too keen. Thing is he's the youngest in a class of 10 and every other child has had big parties. It's competition of the parties. Believe me I'd cause far more upset not having a party amoungst all the mums than asking them for money.

I just thought it was a good idea of his and felt it would better to put it on the invites rather than have him actually asking his friends to give him money.

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 12/06/2015 17:14

Oh, I see that Pepperpotts66 has had the party booked for ages. It can't be cancelled.

Well, go with the flow OP - there's lots of advice and suggestions/stories on here.

What do YOU now feel is correct?

expatinscotland · 12/06/2015 17:15

'No one is forcing anyone to part with money but surely it's accepted that those attending will invariably bring a gift?'

The thing is, the gift might be something they had sitting there because they are on the bones of their arse and yes, it can be embarrassing. But when you reduce it to a monetary transaction, then people feel compelled to stump up more than they often can or would.

And, at 5-years-old, a lot of kids enjoy chosing something for the child. Whatever happened to that element of it?

Original poster

Pepperpotts66 · 12/06/2015 17:16

I really want to stress that I don't care if people don't get him anything. I really don't mind if people can't afford a gift or a card. I just don't want people who do want to and can buy him a gift to waste their money on a toy that he won't play with.

OP posts:

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