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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To suggest people give DS money rather than a present?

130 replies

Pepperpotts66 · 12/06/2015 15:45

DS1 is 5 in a few weeks and is having a big party. He is crazy about Thunderbirds and wants the new Tracy Island that comes out in August. I've already bought him the vintage thunderbird models off ebay for him and can't really buy the island too, plus it doesn't come out until after his birthday. I've explained its very expensive and that it could be a Christmas present or he can save up his pocket money and any birthday money he gets. The thing is he now wants to ask his friends and family for money on the party invites rather than presents and I'm not sure if people would be offended by this?

I was wondering if on the invite I put a small note saying that if people are stuck for an idea as to what to get him he is collecting money for Tracy island but that we don't expect people to give money if they don't want to and that we don't exoect people to buy a present if they don't want to. I'm so worried about sounding like we are presuming people will buy him things.

The thing is every year we end up with a pile of presents that he isn't bothered with so I actually think he's come up with a very sensible idea. He's very obsessional and only plays with a few select things, we are actually looking into an ASD diagnosis at the moment. Don't get me wrong he always acts grateful and says thank you for gifts but the end up in the bottom of the toy box unless they're a plane or a train.

Thank you in advance!

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 12/06/2015 17:16

You were going to put it on party invite to his friends

I thought you meant just ask family for cash pregerence

findingmyfeet12 · 12/06/2015 17:16

i thought the op was going to suggest money if people were struggling for a gift idea? If so, what's the problem?

expatinscotland · 12/06/2015 17:17

'I just thought it was a good idea of his and felt it would better to put it on the invites rather than have him actually asking his friends to give him money.'

It really isn't. Some people are really struggling and feel very bad about that and would throw in more than they might be able to afford to give. Some people might even feel they have to decline for that reason. I've been at points like that during the month, had a big bill hit, that sort of thing.

Fair enough if family ask, but putting it in the invitations, just no.

Original poster

Pepperpotts66 · 12/06/2015 17:18

That's exactly what I said findingmyfeet, thank you.

OP posts:

findingmyfeet12 · 12/06/2015 17:18

If I was struggling to afford a gift l, I would give the party a miss.

expatinscotland · 12/06/2015 17:19

Put putting it in the invites is not suggesting to people.

Only1scoop · 12/06/2015 17:19

Floggingmolly · 12/06/2015 17:21

He's not exactly doing the "saving up for it" that you're so proud of either, op, is he? . He's / you're just asking friends to fund the present in exchange for admittance to the party.

findingmyfeet12 · 12/06/2015 17:22

it is a suggestion. It's not a court order.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 12/06/2015 17:22

Not offensive at all. People usually buy presents for parties and, in all honesty, when DS is invited to a party and the host asks for money I breathe a sigh of relief because it means I don't have to go shopping

expatinscotland · 12/06/2015 17:22

'If I was struggling to afford a gift l, I would give the party a miss.'

Gifts don't have to cost. Some can be made. Some can be given by a child to another from his or her own things with very sweet intention. Some do indeed bulk buy when times are flush. So their child should miss the party because the parents can't cough up a fiver or more? Wow. That's pretty sad that class parties for a 5-year-old have come to that.

expatinscotland · 12/06/2015 17:24

'it is a suggestion. It's not a court order.'

Yes, 5-year-olds are in command of such great powers of understanding suggestion.

findingmyfeet12 · 12/06/2015 17:24

I wouldn't expect anyone else to do the same - it's a personal thing. I'd feel a bit awkward about it.

I still don't see anything wrong with the ops suggestion. I'd be happy to have the option to give money in case I couldn't find a gift.

sadwidow28 · 12/06/2015 17:25

I just don't want people who do want to and can buy him a gift to waste their money on a toy that he won't play with.

So YOU want to control the gift-buying?

YOU want to remove the gift-buying and wrapping excitement from another 5 year old?

YOU want birthday money rather than gifts so that YOU can take DS to the shop to buy his Tracy Island?

Tell family that your DS is saving for Tracy Island (and don't even mention the cost otherwise they will try to buy a half or a quarter). But please, please, don't put it on his invitations that YOU want money towards Tracy Island.

Your DS' guests should be able to turn up at his party without a gift in their hand! A card should be sufficient. Teach your child to invite to social occasions where NOTHING is expected.

I do lots of BBQs as an adult, and my social circle know that when I say, "Bring nothing - only yourselves" I genuinely mean it. My friends turn up with a hug!

MrsHathaway · 12/06/2015 17:25

I want DS to get money for his birthday as there is something he is saving up for.

If people ask me what he might like I'm saying "a quid or two taped into the card would be great because he's saving up for xyz" - that's lower than most people round here would spend on a present even in the sales but still would help DS towards his total. So far people have been delighted.

I think people won't ask if their funds are very stretched, so it's only the people who are contemplating a shopping trip that I'll end up speaking to. I decided against putting a note in the invitation for all the reasons given above.

Original poster

Pepperpotts66 · 12/06/2015 17:25

Floggingmolly, ouch!

OP posts:

findingmyfeet12 · 12/06/2015 17:25

Perhaps you should knock the idea on the head op - clearly many find it innapropriate.

expatinscotland · 12/06/2015 17:26

'I'd be happy to have the option to give money in case I couldn't find a gift.'

Is it ever not an option to bung money in a card? Or have times reached the point when people feel compelled to 'suggest' it in invites to every single event going now?

Can't get what you want? Don't work for it, save for it of your own todd, just get other people to buy it for you! Swag!

Original poster

Pepperpotts66 · 12/06/2015 17:28

wow I can't believe how some people are responding.

OP posts:

findingmyfeet12 · 12/06/2015 17:29

i still don't think there's anything wrong with that. It wouldn't bother me one iota.

In case you think I do the same, I'm childless btw and don't organise children's parties.

PoppyBlossom · 12/06/2015 17:32

The thing is these days you can get a lot of gifts for £3/4, or a 3 for £10 deal etc, so the actual monetary spend is little. When someone asks for cash, it's automatically got to be £5 as a starting point hasn't it? Plus you then worry when all the five pound notes you have are those scraggly scrunched up grubby looking ones and end up chucking a tenner in.

I think it's okay to ask close family for the money for a big saved up gift, but I would personally put a 'please no cards or gifts, house is full to bursting!' type of message on the childs party invite.

sadwidow28 · 12/06/2015 17:35

wow I can't believe how some people are responding.

You have had gentle persuasion, explanation and suggestions - and SOME fiercely defended views.

It's up to you now OP. You asked were being unreasonable and you have had mixed replies. Some have suggested nuances - only asking family for money.

Overall, YABU

oddfodd · 12/06/2015 17:35

If people ask you what he's like, say what MrsHathaway has said (quid or two taped to the card). Otherwise, say nothing

Original poster

Pepperpotts66 · 12/06/2015 17:37

To all of you that posted nicely worded responses voting either way thank you so much. I really do value your opinions.

OP posts:

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 12/06/2015 17:38

Put it in the invite OP YANBU.

It's a suggestion not an order, people are still free to make their own choice. If people are skint they could put a £1 in a card and I'd bet your 5 year old would be grateful (although if his school class is only 10 I'm suspecting they'll not be),

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