I NCed for this thread because I feel ashamed. Firstly, I feel ashamed of being infertile. Yes, yes, I know that this is also irrational. But I grew up in a household where my mother routinely boasted about how easily she fell pregnant, and took it as a sign of how feminine she was. Perhaps because of this, a part of me feels that I am inadequate and less of a woman because I can't have children. I do realise this is a silly reaction. Before you judge me, if you read on a bit, you'll find that I'm working on this.
Secondly, I feel ashamed of the strength of feeling I have about this. I would like to be striding through it, a survivor who welcomes the opportunities offered by a life without children, who can see possibilities and positives. But I don't feel that way. I feel bereft. It is like a grief. I have a brief few seconds in the morning where I wake up and I have forgotten about it, and then it descends and I have to battle through the day. Because I realise that I am not handling it very well, I do feel guilty, a burden to my friends and family.
I know what you're going to say: I sound like I'm depressed, don't I? That's because I am. But I have been to my GP. I am also seeing a counsellor on a weekly basis, and talking about the irrationalities of how I feel. I'm trying to exercise. I eat well. I drink only moderately. I set myself daily and weekly goals to move forward and I actually achieve some of the objectives these days. I'm working really, really hard to get over this every single day.
But I don't feel better. I realise it will take time and work. But I don't feel good in general at the moment - and the longer I feel bad, the more burdened I feel with letting down all of the people who are trying to help me. I just find it hard to commit to anything future-focused now that future has been rewritten so radically. Of course, I do just have to get on with things. But I am not finding that easy, and yes I do feel like a failure for struggling with it.
I don't know why random strangers approach me and speak to me, but they do. The fact of having my word about this doubted on this thread makes me feel like even more of a freak who can't live a 'normal' life. I must just be the kind of person that random people talk to at the bus stop, or in the street. Often those people are lonely and have problems. Up until now, I haven't minded it. I don't for a second blame the people who do it - they clearly need someone to talk to and some interaction, and if a smile and a few lines of chat can make their day a bit better, then I'm usually OK with that. But sometimes, just sometimes, it is wearing: on a bad day when I am struggling it can feel a bit like I am a psychological dumping ground. And I have a lot of bad days at the moment.
As I said in my original post, I'm not blaming the women who do this. As I said in my original post "I know they don't mean badly". I'm not even saying that they should cease to speak to me. In fact, they may well be going through all kinds of pain. Maybe they are isolated now that their families have left home. Some of them may be dealing with the awful grief of a partner's death. It's just an opening for them to interact and they are entirely innocent in their intentions. As I said before, I know I am being unreasonable and silly.
I am not sure why it matters what supermarket I am at - 
- but I shop at Aldi.
On the whole, this thread hasn't helped. I just wanted to talk about how crazily off-the-scale my reactions are to this trigger, in the hope that someone would say 'Yes you're being unreasonable, but I felt the same, and x, y, or z helped." It's my own fault for posting it here, though.