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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my BF to rent his house out?

39 replies

stuffedup · 10/06/2015 19:34

I'm 7 weeks pregnant. BF and I own our own homes and don't live together. I have two DC's who live with me 50% of the time. My house is bigger and is close to DC's school, and is in a nice area. I think the most sensible thing is for BF to rent his house out and move into mine once the baby arrives.

While he has grudgingly agreed to move into mine he doesn't want to rent out his house. He used to be a DJ and has loads of music equipment and records. He's wanted to set up a studio in his house for ages and doesn't want to give that up. There isn't enough room at mine for his studio but I've got a massive garden and we've talked about building a studio in the future, so I'm not asking him to give it up forever. I'm not happy with him keeping his house on for this reason alone as it means we'll struggle financially purely to support his hobby, and the only way it would be worthwhile is if he was spending a few nights a week at it. I don't want him out three nights a week while I'm dealing with a newborn.

He feels that I'm expecting him to give up everything, his life is over, and just slot into my life. I do understand that it's a big sacrifice to make but I feel he needs to be realistic and work out what's most important. AIBU?

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 10/06/2015 20:00

Doesn't really matter if you are BU. What matters is you are pregnant by someone who isn't on board with the whole thing. You can't make him want to move in, you can't make him give up his house.
Seems to me like you are focusing on entirely the wrong thing.

BerylStreep · 10/06/2015 20:03

Had you discussed being together long term before you got pregnant, or has this changed things?

If it has come as a bit of a surprise, I can understand him wanting a bit of time to adjust to the situation.

Crazyqueenofthecatladies · 10/06/2015 20:05

Both sell up and fresh start for everyone?

FenellaFellorick · 10/06/2015 20:06

wow. His life is over?

That's an interesting thing for him to say. Is that how he feels about this development in his situation?

I think rather than saying give up your house, perhaps you could say the household bills are X. Your contribution is Y. How are you going to bring that in?

He sounds rather childish, tbh. When you have a child to support, you don't get to play at being a dj if the family needs the money.

Chchchchangeabout · 10/06/2015 20:07

I think you need to support his interests. Moving to yours means changes and compromise for him. Could you sort the studio in the garden happening/starting to happen now rather than later?

shakemysilliesout · 10/06/2015 20:07

If this is his first then he is seeing his whole life change. U need to work out family finances, assets etc and he needs to accept the future and what it's like having responsibilities. Good luck.

QuiteLikely5 · 10/06/2015 20:08

I can see why he feels apprehensive but it's a bit late now!

He might not want to share the cost of running your home and bills..........it seems like he likes the current set up

vaticancameos · 10/06/2015 20:10

Oh for goodness sake don't rent the house out. The world does not need any more reluctant landlords who haven't got a clue what they're doing.

SisterMoonshine · 10/06/2015 20:12

If he rents out his place and waits til there's a garden studio, where does the stuff go so that he can access and use it in the meantime?
Is there a room you were thinking if the baby having? Maybe he could use tgat until the baby gies into it and it gives you a timeline forvthe studio being done that he dan see. Rather than feeling like he has to give it up.

SisterMoonshine · 10/06/2015 20:13

Sorry, that ipad typing is awful.

workingdilemma · 10/06/2015 20:20

I'm with Vatican. Stop the buy to let rentier madness. you're better off both selling up, pooling resources and buying somewhere large enough to accomodate his dj hobby and that of the growing family. I agree totally with others that his attitude towards your pregnancy doesn't sound exactly ideal. Deal with that first.

workingdilemma · 10/06/2015 20:22

Or get him to sell hos place and use the cash for the studio. But ffs, this country is obsessed with landlordism.

RedandYellow24 · 10/06/2015 20:28

It sounds like he's really not on board with his new family. Im guessing its money you could well do with while you are on maternity leave "just" to fund his hobby.

I don't see the point of moving OP and her two kids when the house is big enough already just for the token we both given up something we liked.
Is his dj going to make money or essentially just an expensive hobby? How is that going fit in with looking after a baby and your time to yourself?

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 10/06/2015 20:32

While he has grudgingly agreed to move into mine he doesn't want to rent out his house.

I'd leave it and live separately. Doesn't sound like he really wants to move in.

He might change his mine when the baby is born. Why not wait until then?

crustsaway · 10/06/2015 20:36

Did you discuss all this before becoming pregnant? Was it a joint decision or did it just "happen". Yes, he does have an obligation to the unborn child if that's the case, no he doesn't "have" to move in with you etc.

Howcanitbe · 10/06/2015 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

1Morewineplease · 10/06/2015 20:52

He's clearly not on board with your way of thinking ... You can't make him give up his own property .. He has to want to do this... Sounds like you both weren't ready for this baby... If you force him into a decision then there will be resentment that will fester...you say he used to be a DJ .. What is his occupation now? Don't force his hand! I appreciate money will be tight but you cannot expect him to "give it all up " for you and the baby if it means totally giving up a career/lifestyle... He needs to earn money to support you and baby... Maybe he could rent his property out to provide an extra income...I know others have said sell up and "pool" but you don't sound entirely sure of having a positive hands-on relationship ... You sound as though you want a relationship based on your terms... I know there's a baby involved but you simply cannot base a lifelong relationship on " well I'm pregnant so do as I want" ... Tears ahead if you do ... Sorry

Original poster
stuffedup · 10/06/2015 20:55

It's him who wants to have a child (he actually wants 2!). I'm completely on board too, but would have been equally happy for things to remain as they were. However, it happened earlier than expected. We're both 37 this year so we've decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. We had discussed living arrangements before but nothing set in stone.

The DJing would be a hobby. He does the odd gig but only earns a %age of the bar takings which usually just covers his own drinks and a bit extra.

I just feel he's really naive. He thinks we can have it all. We could look at buying together eventually but right now there isn't enough time before baby's born, it would be unsettling for my DC's and to buy a place bigger than mine in my area would mean borrowing an additional £100k which we can't afford.

OP posts:
Original poster
stuffedup · 10/06/2015 20:59

The DJing isn't a career/lifestyle. He has a full time job working in accounts. He has lived without doing it for years but it's something he has wanted to get back into as a hobby. I'm not asking him to give it up, just put it on hold. If he moved in and rented his house we would be in a position to save and potentially extend my house. If he doesn't we'll be scraping by and saving nothing.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 10/06/2015 21:03

Do not sell and buy together! Not yet.
If things turn bad you will be traped.
You are not responsible for the country's housing problem ffs.

I think you better continue with the two houses and see how it goes. Don't rush into anything, you have 3 children to house and support.

Does he have another job?

workingdilemma · 10/06/2015 21:19

Why can't he sell the house, and you run one household together? Why do you feel it has to be rented for you to save money? Is the saving made on not running two places not enough? If not, you have potential financial issues anyway, as being a landlord is by no means a guaranteed income. If he clears some money from the sale, is that enough to get this studio built?

Ignore my earlier rant against renting it out on a moral basis, but can you explain why the above is not being considered as an optoon

Original poster
stuffedup · 10/06/2015 21:28

I'm not saying it's not an option, ever, but the reasons are:

The disruption to my DC's at this point in time;
We wouldn't be able to afford a much bigger house in the area without borrowing a lot more money;
He only bought his house 6 months ago so doesn't want to sell now as he'd probably lose money and would incur charges for redeeming his mortgage so early (I don't know all the ins and outs of that so happy to be corrected!).

OP posts:
Original poster
stuffedup · 10/06/2015 21:32

We're also both apprehensive about being financially tied together at this point as I've only recently completed my divorce from XH and bought him out of my house. I know having a baby is a far greater commitment but we're not ready to just sell up and buy together just yet. This, to me, seemed the best temporary compromise.

OP posts:
Sconejamcream · 10/06/2015 21:38

You're not ready to commit to a house together but you're pregnant.....??? You've rushed into this relationship.

workingdilemma · 10/06/2015 21:39

Well answered. Ok then, my points were based on him movong into your place this time rather then you both selling up.

So, and heres the uncomfortable question, if he only bought six months ago, were you together then? If so, what did you both envisage was going to happen in the future if your relationship did progress this quickly?

If you have only recently got together (i.e. since then) then this rapidly developing relationship is a lot for both of you to take in. Sit down together and talk it out objectively. Maybe go for it and rent it out given everything you say, but find a compromise on maybe getting him somewhere to practice his hobby sorted too. He definitely doesn't need a whole house for that. You can rent a storage room or something and set it up in there.

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