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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Miss my sister's hen party?

118 replies

Poppy007 · 09/06/2015 15:07

Hi all, i'm new to this and in need of advice/opinions. I am feeling slightly anxious due to the fact my sister's hen party is coming up which involves a three day/two night trip away to a remote part of the UK. My little one will be almost 6 months and is still exclusively breastfed. My husband cannot look after the baby for the weekend as he is away on business therefore care will fall to my (eager) parents who, though entirely competent, are unfamiliar to my little one as they live far from us and haven't seen him for 3 months. I am getting incredibly worried about this for many reasons: my son will be left for a whole weekend with people he doesn't really know and in surroundings he is unfamiliar with; he is not very used to feeding from a bottle; i will be far away and practically unable to return if i need to (we'll be on an island!); and (more selfishly) I will be needing to express like a dairy machine every 3 - 4 hours all weekend. Clearly the easy thing to do would be not to go, except it is highly expected by both my sister and mother that I will be there. Eeek! Any advice? Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppy007 · 09/06/2015 22:36

Thanks all for the good advice. Just broken the news to my sister that i won't be going on her hen party (after offering compromise of taking child with me) and its fair to say i'm not the most popular member of the family right now!

Anonymity i would advise you to tell SIL1 from the offset that you will not be going to SIL2's hen party. If i had stuck to my guns initially this whole thing would've been nipped in the bud sooner and everyone would already be over the fact i'm not goingto the hen party. As it is i've pulled out last minute and caused more upset. I would say follow your instinct and by the time the hen.party comes you'll be forgiven

OP posts:
suspiciousdelicious · 09/06/2015 22:41

Poppy I am so sorry your family are not being as supportive as they ought to be.
This is one of the few situations I would tell a lie; You have a chest infection and cannot possibly travel.

suspiciousdelicious · 09/06/2015 22:43

I was a little late in my response. I totally agree with Feezap

JassyRadlett · 09/06/2015 22:46

Good for you. I went to a wedding when DS was 9 months - still breastfeeding but obviously less (I was back at work by then and only expressing once at lunchtime).

We were gone for 11 hours max but I was in total agony, despite pumping in the loos (grim). The timing was just all out of whack and it was miserable, and I'm sure feeling stressed didn't help with expressing. I still remember the drive back, and the pain of the seatbelt.

Do not recommend.

Jen1610 · 09/06/2015 22:47

I went to my sister in laws when my son was six months old and exclusively breastfed. I was very apprehensive about going and wanted to back out by my brother kept making little jokes about waiting on me canceling. So I didn't. Wish I'd just listened to my gut instinct cause I hated being away from him and hated it. My husband had a really really hard time and my son screamed most of the weekend. So if it were for anyone else I'd say you are not bu. But since it's your sister its a really hard one. You need to talk to her.

Lozy79 · 09/06/2015 22:50

I'm so glad you've told them Smile I understand that they may be a bit put out, but hopefully they'll get over themselves quickly. Your baby is the priority. Perhaps you could do something nice for her when she gets back, a nice meal perhaps. Though not I'd they carry on being grumpy about it all.

PuppyMouse · 09/06/2015 22:55

My DD is 19m and I still have only left her once by choice other than two overnights for work. I'd have bawled at leaving her at 6m and I stopped bf just before then.

I wouldn't go...

AgathaChristie01 · 09/06/2015 22:56

Glad to see OP you have decided not to go. They will get over it.

AgathaChristie01 · 09/06/2015 22:59

Sorry, that ^^ sounds a bit terse. It's not meant to be. Just ignore any comments made by your sister. When things calm down, she will realise it was not fair to expect you to go.

Pumpkinpositive · 09/06/2015 23:07

You wouldn't catch me going "wild camping" - baby or no baby. Wild horses and all that ...

If your sister was that desperate for your presence she should have organised something a bit more accommodating to breastfeeding mothers of young babies. Especially after you flagged up your concerns early on in the game.

Whatever happened to Ye Olde nice afternoon/evening out on the tiles?? Confused

Jen1610 · 09/06/2015 23:08

If she is having a hen weekend I'd assume she is having a 'home hen' too as seems to be so popular now? If yes then you can attend that for a few hours. If not and you can afford it could you take her for lunch or dinner or for a spa afternoon. You could check Groupon for deals.

I'm sorry she isn't understanding. Hopefully if she has a baby and breastfeeds she will realize how agony getting engorged and possibly mastitis is and you absolutely need a nice hot shower to wash the leaked milk off and relieve the pain.

Wild camping, to me, sounds absolutely shit anyway.

Please don't feel too guilty and if anyone questions you say you called LA leche for advise on how to get through the weekend and they strongly advised you NOT to leave the baby due to the risk of engorgement, mastitis, loss of supply, etc and although your sister means a lot your baby's needs absolutely come first. I left my son at four months to go to an all day wedding and I hated it and was soaking by the end of the night and in agony,despite regularly changing breast pads and sitting in the loos expressing!

butterfly133 · 09/06/2015 23:44

YANBU
I'm sorry you were put in this position and amazed they weren't okay. 6 month old baby should equal cast iron excuse! You've done the right thing. U

broomy123 · 09/06/2015 23:50

I haven't read all the comments so sorry if this has already been said. I left my four month old for a weekend to go on a hen do of a very good friend. That was two days/three nights. I expressed so she had breastmilk but I did make sure she spent some re with my DH and mum having Bottle feeds before so it wasn't an issue. In your situation I would find it hard to go as baby doesn't know the caregivers. Is your partner going to be with them?

broomy123 · 09/06/2015 23:53

Oh and also a very good manual pump is the medela harmony. Just as good as an electric IMO!

DrElizabethPlimpton · 10/06/2015 00:01

I think you have done the right thing.

I don't understand how people can be so selfish to think that a hen trip is more important than the needs of a 6 month old baby.

Stealthpolarbear · 10/06/2015 06:46

At the very least she'll get it when she has a baby (I assume she doesn't! )

spad · 10/06/2015 06:53

I wouldn't go either.

DinosaursRoar · 10/06/2015 07:01

People who don't have dcs, or even have bottle fed dcs /have only been round bottle fed dcs don't get it.

whiteiris · 10/06/2015 07:14

I think you've done the right thing by pulling out.

ollieplimsoles · 10/06/2015 07:25

Caught up on this thread and I think you have done the right thing not going.

I'm angry on your behalf at your family though, why do people get crazy about impending weddings?! If your sister really wanted you there so badly she would have organised something suitable. She sounds like she is annoyed at you because you have the baby to think about imo!

5YearsTime · 10/06/2015 07:34

The expectation that breastfeeding mothers can leave their infants is bloody nuts. I've had two people say to me this week "just express" and "get pumping"...neither of whom have ever breastfed or even know what they are talking about.

Fuck off.

I won't be leaving my baby and I won't be sitting in a loo somewhere pumping. It's distressing for mother and even more so for the baby.

Even if I was formula feeding I wouldn't want to leave my little baby.

I'm raging for you! Well done you for saying no though.

BreadmakerFan · 10/06/2015 07:39

I'm glad you've told her and not lied which is ridiculous.

If you'd have gone and later she'd had a child and said sorry she now understands, you'd have been pretty upset.

Ignore the tantrums. They are 100% in the wrong. You are 0% in the wrong.

elfycat · 10/06/2015 07:39

Cancelling seems like the best plan, and I'm sorry that your sister doesn't understand that. When you EBF you give over a certain portion of your life to the process.

I love the suggestions of just expressing and being able to get on with a day out. For the life of me I couldn't express. I had to for the first few days (slightly prem DD1 with unstable blood sugars) and was able to as the initial milk kicked in and then... nothing. I would have been in pain and probably damaged my milk production.

I tried several devices, as I was assured it was quite simple and natural. No, natural is a baby drinking straight from the breast even though she had a upper lip and a tongue tie and it hurt all the way through to my shoulder blade I couldn't go out without her for more than a few hours, for months.

Whatamuckingfuddle · 10/06/2015 07:53

Well done OP, they'll get over it, can you get another family member who has breastfed to have a word with your DM, it's far from unreasonable but perhaps someone else having a gentle word on your behalf might get her to understand and speak to your sister? I know if I were in your situation, my DM would complain bitterly, not really because of me letting DS down on hen do but really because she wanted to get her hands on the baby.

diddl · 10/06/2015 07:56

Well hopefully they'll get over it.

My sister didn't come to my wedding as someone was sick at work & she decided to work instead!

She told me two days before.

The world didn't stop turning & I still ended up married!!

Which as my then fiance pointed out was the whole point of the day.