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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Miss my sister's hen party?

118 replies

Poppy007 · 09/06/2015 15:07

Hi all, i'm new to this and in need of advice/opinions. I am feeling slightly anxious due to the fact my sister's hen party is coming up which involves a three day/two night trip away to a remote part of the UK. My little one will be almost 6 months and is still exclusively breastfed. My husband cannot look after the baby for the weekend as he is away on business therefore care will fall to my (eager) parents who, though entirely competent, are unfamiliar to my little one as they live far from us and haven't seen him for 3 months. I am getting incredibly worried about this for many reasons: my son will be left for a whole weekend with people he doesn't really know and in surroundings he is unfamiliar with; he is not very used to feeding from a bottle; i will be far away and practically unable to return if i need to (we'll be on an island!); and (more selfishly) I will be needing to express like a dairy machine every 3 - 4 hours all weekend. Clearly the easy thing to do would be not to go, except it is highly expected by both my sister and mother that I will be there. Eeek! Any advice? Thanks!

OP posts:
vodkanchocolate · 09/06/2015 17:02

I wasnt breastfeeding but ive missed 2 hen partys now due to the fact seems to be the "in" thing to go away for days one was my sister who went to a lodge for a long weekend (not that close anyway so wasnt overly botherd) but didnt want to have to leave 5 kids with my husband for 3 nights sure he could of coped but his parents were away that weekend and he was working the late shift the Friday night wouldnt of been anyone to have them.

The other was when I was pregnant with my youngest a close friend of mine went to Newcastle for a weekend was only 5 months pregnant guess I could of gone but didnt want to be so far from home and my youngest girl had been in and out of hospital having tests I just didnt think it was appropriate. I was actually really dissapointed.

Can you not maybe arrange something with her to do locally to make up for missing?

undoubtedly · 09/06/2015 17:03

I wouldn't bother.

Hen parties are not the be all and end all, and if it's not convenient I would just cry off.

susanstryingterm · 09/06/2015 17:05

I think hen parties are like weddings. If you want a good attendance then keep it accessible for people.
Organising events in remote places that involve several nights away from home, leaving small children, taking time off work etc and then getting stroppy because people decline to attend is really selfish.

vodkanchocolate · 09/06/2015 17:10

Agree with Susan.

I had my hen night in the local town had 3 people cry off on me and had a couple saying I should of pushed the boat out a bit more rather than just a meal and 3 bars. I enjoyed it thats all that matters dont get why everything has to be so extravagant these days when it comes to hen partys

whois · 09/06/2015 17:10

I can't believe how U your mum and sister are being. Normally I'd say you should go and take baby and a sitter to be in the hotel so you could still BF but wild camping for a whole weekend hours away from your baby is totally redic.

RackofPeas · 09/06/2015 17:17

Don't go!
If you're not already used to expressing regularly then it will be hard to start now. Even if you are - well then you'll know what a faff it is.
If your baby isn't used to taking a bottle then they're likely to struggle. If going for part of a day is an option then it might be worth considering, but from what you've said it sounds unlikely.
Here's another vote for a sudden bout of D&V to strike your household the day before.
My hen party was a virgin vie party and a night out at a club. A whole weekend wild camping? I think I'd rather have a bout of d&v!

fatlazymummy · 09/06/2015 17:24

I wouldn't go anyway, just because it sounds shit. To me a hen night is a night out, not a weekend away.

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 09/06/2015 17:41

Am I the only one who has a problem with mastitis in the wild? If you'll get it, you need a doctor ASAP. Where from will you get a doctor in the wild?
Also if you'll take your baby with you, what will you do if he needs a doctor?

birobenny · 09/06/2015 17:53

Just lie and say you/baby are sick . Your sis and mum are being VU. Totally understandable to not want to leave a 5mo or take him 'wild camping'

YellowLemons · 09/06/2015 18:17

OP, please don't go Flowers Seriously, your fellow MNers relieve you of the duty!

I had similar with a friend's hen do when my first baby was about 4 months old. I'd agreed to it long before I realised the realities of breastfeeding round the clock. I didn't go! I think it could be dangerous to go - mastitis etc.

I understand that your sister, caught up in a wedding bubble, may not understand this (until she has a baby of her own). So I'm really sorry that you and DS have norovirus this weekend.

Now have a cup of tea and give your baby a cuddle - stop worrying, you're not going!

Stealthpolarbear · 09/06/2015 18:34

I think it's fair to say to your mum and sister that you've had advice not to go from the point of view of breastfeeding and attachment. If they assume health visitor, let them

Pastaeater · 09/06/2015 19:48

What the hell was your sister thinking of to organise something like this, and expect you to go on it as a breastfeeding mother with a very young baby?! Angry You have just got to stand your ground and say that it is not possible for all the reasons stated above. It is actual lunacy!!
You can of course say that you are happy to go out for a drink with your sister another time, or pay for them all to have some drinks, or whatever but do NOT go yourself if you feel uncomfortable with the idea (which any normal person would do).

AntiHop · 09/06/2015 21:02

I wouldn't go. I am missing out on part of a very very close friend's hen weekend as I'm bf my 9 month old and I don't want to be away from her overnight due to the risk of mastitis and discomfort. Luckily it's close enough for me to go for the day.

Please tell her you've been advised by breast feeding experts that it's not feasible.

AnonymityReqd · 09/06/2015 21:04

Poppy007 I can feel your pain. One of my SILs is organising the hen for my other SIL. Not camping but a long journey followed by a booze cruise then boozy dinner followed by an overnight. Depending on whether my PFB is punctual or not I'll have at most a 12 week old.

Tried mentioning it to SIL 1 (the organiser) and she seemed increduous as to why I wouldn't want to do an overnight. Young, in college, carefree and very me, me, me. To make it even worse she wants to know for numbers next week. I'm not due for another 10 weeks! I don't have a crystal ball.

Sorry for the hijack but it's nice to get some other people's views.

Fatmomma99 · 09/06/2015 21:16

Poppy, I agree with the others - don't go. It's not fair on your baby. IF it was for 24 hours and IF he was with s.one he knew well and IF you were able to get back quickly in an emergency. You've got none of these. You shouldn't put yourself or your son through so much stress when he's so young.

Don't go!

Lozy79 · 09/06/2015 21:30

I also concur, don't go!!! The idea of leaving my ebf baby fills me with dread!!! Only I can calm her properly, I'd hate for her to cry for me :(( I spent 3 hrs away for one evening and she refused the bottle and my dh was tearing his hair out and dd was distressed. Now that might not happen to your lo but it sounds like you'd worry about it and not enjoy the weekend anyway.

EuphemiaCoxton · 09/06/2015 21:41

You don't need to lie, just say look I'm really sorry but my baby won't take a bottle and my tits hurt if I don't feed.

I didn't understand before I had a baby about this stuff. I remember telling folks whilst pregnant I'd be back 'on the scene' soon enough. Not straight away obviously, probably about 6 weeks or so. I'll give myself a chance to get over childbirth and settle baby in.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
2 years later and I have had TWO evenings (not nights) out.

KERALA1 · 09/06/2015 21:41

No. Just no. You too anonymity. The cost benefit analysis does not add up. Large cost for you personally and emotionally. The weddings the important thing this is supposed to be no more than abit of fun definitely not worth leaving a ebf baby for. No way.

AyMamita · 09/06/2015 21:46

I'm usually fairly cavalier and hard-hearted about this sort of thing but even I say don't go.

By the way, if you're on a remote (Scottish?) island, you may not have mobile reception...

olgaga · 09/06/2015 22:07

Crikey if you can't face their unwillingness to grasp the difficulty (understandable) tell everyone you're both suffering D&V and have a nice relacing weekend.

keeptothewhiteline · 09/06/2015 22:14

Don't go. I hate hen nights anyway and wild camping sounds horrific.
Be glad you have such a good excuse.

waterrat · 09/06/2015 22:16

I think it would be very unfair on your baby and possibly extremely distressing for her.I think it would be wrong of you to go. You will have to accept that you can't control your sisters reaction but out your baby first

I wouldn't leave my 1 year old for that long with anyone but her dad as I know she would be unhappy

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/06/2015 22:19

Anonymity - just say NO now. As you can see from the OP it will be so much easier to deal with now.

Wild camping with a 5 month old... Rather you than me but by 'remote part of UK I'd assume Scottish Highlands or similar. You and the baby will freeze your ass off. You can hardly co sleep in a sleeping bag either due to SIDS risk.

Nasty ankle sprain, slipped disc, D&V, or just plain honesty "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, I can't possibly come, what can I do to make it up to you?"

Salene · 09/06/2015 22:23

Baby 1st priority

Sister/mother 2nd

No I wouldn't go I'm afraid.

feezap · 09/06/2015 22:26

YANBU. Don't go, or if you do is there any way to go just for a morning/afternoon?

My 9 month old DS is still breastfed and although doing well with weaning, I still couldn't leave him overnight. I think your sister sounds like she is being an awful bridezilla, nothing is more important than your baby. My DS has taken expressed milk from a bottle for a long time now but when he wasn't used to it he wouldn't take it at all from people he wasn't that familiar with.

Don't feel bad about not going, your sister and mum will get over it. There seems to be far too much pressure on mums to get out and do things and leave the baby with others, no wonder so many people give up breastfeeding. Stand your ground Thanks