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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about age gaps

38 replies

raindrops99 · 08/06/2015 21:45

I regret not having a 3rd DC closer in age to DS1 and DS2

Expecting DC3 now - so DS1 will be 6 and DS2 will be 4 when it's born

I feel like DS1 and DS2 will be close in age and have more in common - and the other baby will be left out a bit - am I right or wrong

Also is the 6 year age gap between the youngest and eldest a lot. When. They're 18 and 12 it will be a massive gap

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 08/06/2015 21:48

Does it matter? Close in age doesnt mean close emotionally. They may have nothing in common anyway.

Annunziata · 08/06/2015 21:48

That will be a lovely age gap, don't worry. They can entertain themselves and they're not so reliant on you. Hopefully they'll be able to tell you any worries that they have. They'll be quite protective of their sibling too I bet.

There are positives and negatives for any age gap. 18 and 12 might be tricky but 18 and 17 is worse when one is encouraging the other, or when they are all doing exams at the same time.

I have a 23 year age gap... now there is a massive one!

ImprobableBee · 08/06/2015 21:48

Yes, you are overthinking this. Brew

PtolemysNeedle · 08/06/2015 21:49

There are going to be positives and negative to every possible age gap, you definitely are over thinking it!

Hopefully some other posters with similar age gaps will come along and tell you about the positives.

parallax80 · 08/06/2015 21:50

Yes.

All age gaps have their pros and cons and whether siblings get on or not is largely down to a) their innate characters and b) the atmosphere and expectations they grow up with. (So, nature and nurture...)

Also 18 and 12 feels big but 28 and 22 is smaller and 58 and 52 are pretty much the same.

MrsTedCrilly · 08/06/2015 21:52

Yes overthinking! Please don't worry.. I know of so many close age siblings who hate each other and many like mine (13 yrs between brother and me) and we're close as anything. It's not about the gap, but how you raise them and their personalities.

Fleurbs · 08/06/2015 21:52

That's the age gap between me and my siblings. I get on well with both, better with DSis who is 6.5 years younger than me. She gets on better with DB than I do (4 years difference for them, 2 for us) but we generally all get on great. I think DSis had a few years feeling left out but it didn't last long and I love her to bits. I don't think age is an indicator of how well you'll get on with your siblings though. That's just luck!

parallax80 · 08/06/2015 21:52

(FWIW I have gaps of 19 months and 1 minute, and that's not without challenges either!)

Hassled · 08/06/2015 21:53

I have 4 years between my youngest 2 and they're the best of friends - very close with loads in common. More so now they're teenagers, but it's always been good.

And I have 2 years between my oldest 2 and they have never got on. They barely tolerate each other. Have never had any shared interests.

So it's luck of the draw, it's personality, it's all sorts of things but it's not down to age gap.

BlueBananas · 08/06/2015 21:55

This is the same age gap we'll have
We have DS who'll be 6 next month, DD who's 4 and DC3 is due in November
We planned it like this for a few reasons -

  1. Having a 19 month age gap was fucking hard and I needed a break from babies
  2. DS has had some medical issues - everything is under control now so it made sense
  3. The older 2 will be in school full time so it'll be nice to have just a baby at home all day
  4. The other 2 are more aware (and excited) about what's going on
  5. They can help!
There's 7 years between me & my big brothers (they're twins) and honestly it's not that big, we are really close and actually really good friends Hopefully some of these points will help you And stop overthinking!
EugenesAxe · 08/06/2015 21:57

You are a bit overthinking but you have a few fair points too. There's 10 and 8yrs between my youngest sister and me/ DSis1. I would say when we were growing up there were times when she felt a little isolated/ out of it, but we did also play with her and never waged any bad campaigns of victimisation against her. I loved her loads! I still see her as a DD in a lot of ways than a DSis.

We are all adults now and as close as anything. I think if your family is not a divisive type then your children will be fine.

grannytomine · 08/06/2015 21:59

age gaps with my 4 vary from 2 years to 21 years. The two who get on best have a 17 year gap. You just can't tell.

BeenWondering · 08/06/2015 22:03

Yes you are massively over thinking this to answer your question.

A 6 year age gap means nothing and also bear in mind that your current DC with the 2 year age gap may fall out over familiarity breeding contempt.

Nothing is a certainty so please relax. Congratulations on your soon-to-be-born dc but please calm down. Siblings will be siblings regardless or their age differences, interests and personalities. It matters not one jot.

Mehitabel6 · 08/06/2015 22:04

All to do with personality and not age. Often much better able to get in with a bigger age gap. You simply can't tell.

FoamyOne · 08/06/2015 22:08

I have similar age gaps - 2.6 years, and then 3.9 years. Baby DD is smothered in love by her big brothers. DS1 in particular (6.3 when she was born) is an angel with her. There is always someone around to read to her or play with her. It works brilliantly (she is having a far nicer babyhood experience than DS2 who was largely ignored while I dealt with a demanding toddler!).

Caff2 · 08/06/2015 22:14

I have a 12 year gap between first two and am now pregnant with third and all being well (early days, only seven weeksish, fingers crossed) will have a 3.5 year gap between second two and 15 between 1 and 3. My teenager is LOVELY with my toddler - I'm more nervous about what seems like the forthcoming small gap as I'm not used to having two littlies!

It will be fine, don't worry!

BabyMurloc · 08/06/2015 22:18

Ive a bigger gap between me and my little bro and we are and always have been close. Sometimes I feel like mum 2 but I wouldn't swap him for the world!

meg76uk · 08/06/2015 22:26

My brother is 4 years younger; we get on very well and have similar interests, lifestyles, and sense of humor. Husband is 16 months younger than his siblings (b/g twins)--years go by with no interaction between the 3 of them. They appear to have no shared memories, no stories of childhood, like they were 3 strangers in the same house. My parents raised us a pair, his raised them entirely individually...I think the gap itself is meaningless, it's the environment and personalities that matter.

roofio87 · 08/06/2015 22:28

There is 6 years between me and my oldest sister, and one in the middle. I am much closer to my oldest sis, we have always gotten on and never argued as kids. she is more like a second mum to me but we are very close. I am planning 2 dc with a big gap and am not worried!

Tootsie1984 · 08/06/2015 22:34

Well my mum had her eldest then an 8 year gap before having 3 of us within 4 years. We are all close now as adults though us youngest 3 are the closest. But I have 4 years between my 2 who are now 9 and 5 and we are going to try for number 3 soon. I am not worried about the age gaps at all

DisappointedOne · 08/06/2015 23:37

DH is eldest of 4 brothers. 18 months between him and next one, then another 3 years for number 3, and another 4 years for number 4. 8 years difference between oldest and youngest. Want to guess which brother DH is closest to?

My sister and I have 3 years between us and we pretty much hate each other.

You're over thinking this.

32percentcharged · 09/06/2015 00:19

There's no doubt pros and cons, and personally I'm glad I had my 3 all close together, but having said that, no point over thinking it. I imagine there will be phases when the gap seems bigger, IYSWIM. One who's just off to secondary school while the youngest is just starting school will feel a big gap, but later on when they're in their twenties Wont. I don't think the elder two will necessarily be closer because it's more about personality than age. I think the only thing to be aware of is to manage things so that when the gap seems big you make an effort to meet the needs of each child in a way which works for the family. And don't expect the older ones to babysit the youngest. Follow those rules and you'll be fine

Mehitabel6 · 09/06/2015 07:12

You can't simply assume that closeness in age will name for friends. I know twins where they argue continually and are quite unpleasant to each other.

Mistigri · 09/06/2015 07:27

I think it doesn't really matter.. It all comes down to personality and natural affinity. I have a friend with four kids aged between 22 and 9. The two who are closest are the second (aged 20) and the youngest. The oldest two, with two years between them, don't really have anything in common apart from their parents.

FWIW my two with 20 months between them do not get on that well at all.

LetticeKnollys · 09/06/2015 07:40

My DS's half brother is 7 years older than DS and it's really cute watching him play and 'help' with him!