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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have said no naps for 2 year old ds (mil related, and long)

191 replies

justbatteringon · 06/06/2015 19:33

DS turned two in April. If he has a nap during the day is up until at least midnight, about a month and a half ago DP and I agreed to try no naps for a week to see if it helped any. It did DS's mood improved he was sleeping from 7.30 - 8pm until 6 - 7am the next morning (his usual wake up times). I admit some days he has a tired period but usually if you distract him/keep him busy he'll have no problem staying up.

At the minute DP's parents take care of the children while DP and I are working, controversial to MNers I know but it's very temporary and it's a long story but please believe me when I say I have legitimate reasons and I appreciate them doing it very much.

So DP's parents watch them at the most about 5 hours a day maybe 3 times a week. We asked them to please not let DS nap, because of above reasons DP was insistent to them that they not nap I took the approach with them that I understood that he's sometimes hard work to keep but up but if you've tried and he's knackered then let him have a wee sleep. No problem or so I thought.

They've since told DP that they will not make any attempt to keep him up and if DS wants to sleep they're going to let him and that is that. They even lied about letting him nap which made us think he would be much more tired than he was and took him to bed much earlier than we would of had we known he'd had a sleep during the day. This happened 2 days in a row and it's not even the problem.

DP sent them a whatsapp picture of DS at midnight saying "this is what i mean about letting him sleep he's still up and it's after midnight i know my boy and i know when he needs his sleep"

FIL replied that he was absolutely livid at DP for sending him that message and MIL sent DP 3 messages about how terrible he was how none of her other children were as terrible and was he proud of himself that his DF was now going to bed with high blood pressure. I told DP to ask them over for coffee the next day to sort this out. MIL responded that DP must have a guilty conscience to invite them for coffee.

I thought that the response was absolutely awful and want to have a word with them to clear the air and remind them that we are the parents and not them.

Would I be wrong to do that?

Does anyone else not allow their 2 year old to nap?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 06/06/2015 21:20

Not at all. But it sounds like your son's issues are much deeper than naps. What other support are you getting?

Original poster
justbatteringon · 06/06/2015 21:20

Yes I'm working on the bottle in bed thing but it's just such a part of his routine and dp is very wary of changing his routine.

OP posts:
Pilgit · 06/06/2015 21:24

I don't think the messages were reasonable but totally understandable in the circumstances. But I would see this as two separate issues. One is your PILs lying (can't do anything about that).
The other is his self settling and staying in bed. We have trained our DDs to stay in bed once they're put there (save loo trips). If they are not tired they look at books. The rule us they're in bed and quiet. When they sleep is their choice. This took time and perseverance to establish and may not work here if he's wired. Is it worth asking them to compromise and do some quiet activities for his normal nap time?

Aermingers · 06/06/2015 21:29

If you want to dictate to the level you do then pay somebody to do it.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 06/06/2015 21:32

I don't think it is about the bottle as such. But he has the bedtime routine of a baby. There may be medical reasons, or historical reasons. Or he may be a generally rubbish sleeper. But with that background I am not sure a nap (unless late in the day) is why he was up until midnight. He was teetering anyway.

MayPolist · 06/06/2015 21:37

Childrfen don't generally go from a daily nap to none-at least my 5 didn't.Some days they may need to nap, others they don't and you just have to go with the flowNobody said being a parent is easy! No good nursery or CM will keep a clearly exhausted child awake and a decent nursey would not agree to this.

Original poster
justbatteringon · 06/06/2015 21:38

I don't have any other support. Just got an appointment for his speech therapy. So I'm hoping we can get some communication methods. It's hard work getting him to anything such as get dressed, eat, change his nappy. I'm gobsmacked you can tell your DD your just leaving the room for a minute and she understands.

OP posts:
PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 06/06/2015 21:42

I would expect that by 2. is it only bedtime, or would he never understand?

Original poster
justbatteringon · 06/06/2015 21:45

It's more her attitude to our routine like how dare we not give him exactly what he wants when he wants it like why wouldn't we give him biscuits before dinner. Just one example.

OP posts:
PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 06/06/2015 21:45

You have mentioned another child. Is that child older or younger?

Original poster
justbatteringon · 06/06/2015 21:46

He would never understand I have to show him his plate so he knows it's dinner time. Get his shoes so he knows we're going outside. Ect

OP posts:
Original poster
justbatteringon · 06/06/2015 21:46

Younger she's 10 months.

OP posts:
PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 06/06/2015 21:50

I would maybe get your childminders views when he starts and has had time to settle. It sounds like maybe he could do with a wee bit more support from Hv team or similar. I am surprised that at 2.3 he does not understand going out, or eating lunch. It could be something related to the speech, or correlated.

Has he had a 2 year check?

Metalguru · 06/06/2015 21:57

I feel for you, it must be hard being at work, then being kept up until midnight, then up early too. Sounds like it's a good thing the DC were going to the cm anyway, so you don't have to link that step to this argument with pil. I know you haven't technically done anything wrong, but I would suggest to DP that he apologise to pil and blame the exhaustion, then move on, sounds like you had a good relationship before. It's not always easy, or even possible, to establish the ideal routine, it sounds like you and your DP are doing fine Flowers

pixiegumboot · 06/06/2015 22:09

See, I think this is a couple of issues. My parents would absolutely react the same way, as if I was an adolescent talking back to them. They would also do what THEY wanted, not what I wanted. I think its because my parents still can't see ME, as in charge (I'm 43!).

My mil on the other hand would do what we wanted. To the letter where possible. She is of the 'parents know best' camp and she treats her son, and me, as capable adults. She's there to help and compliment our family, not to create extra problems.

I hope to be like her should my sons have children.

Littlefish · 06/06/2015 22:21

Justbatteringon - I'm gad you've been referred to the Speech and Language service. Using visual prompts like showing him a plate for mealtimes, or his shoes/coat for going out is a good idea. Don't forget to tell the speech and language therapist about this so they know what strategies work well for you. Do you have something like a bunny clock to indicate bedtime? Would he understand that when the bunny's eyes are closed, it's time to go to sleep?

Original poster
justbatteringon · 06/06/2015 22:21

He hasn't had his 2 year check yet. I was hoping to get him into nursery so I could see how he interacts with other children.

Thanks for putting things into perspective.

We'll definitely apologise to PIL and be more laid back while they have dc and now I know I shouldn't expect any childminder I have to be able to keep him up all day.

OP posts:
Original poster
justbatteringon · 06/06/2015 22:23

Little fish I don't think he would understand the bunny but I will definitely give it a go he might just surprise me. Smile

OP posts:
PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 06/06/2015 22:33

I would give the HV team a call and chase up the two year check. They will have a better idea than us, and if he hasn't been in formal childcare yet and is your eldest you don't have much frame of reference. The language delay may be the heart of it all and they can help with tools. Smile

DancingHat · 06/06/2015 22:37

I know it's been a mixed response but FWIW I don't think YABU. What's best for him and you is not necessarily what's easiest for his GPs or you during the day keeping him occupied. We have the opposite from our childminder. She doesn't get our DD to sleep very often during the day so at 6pm the devil child enters our house till we persuade her to go to sleep at 7pm. It's horrific to deal with but the CM doesn't have to see it. One reason I'm pleased we're switching to a new one who seems to go out of her way to get her mindees to nap.

I like the idea of the GPs doing bedtime on a day he has slept in the day so they see the problem at night. But I fear they're unlikely to be up for that after your DH's message...

Might I suggest if you can afford it that you look into a sleep consultant? It does sound as though your DS has additional needs but staying in his room till he goes to sleep is not sustainable in the long run and clearly impacts on your DH's evening time to relax. Just a thought.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 06/06/2015 22:58

What a nice response OP- good luck Flowers

LiegeAndLief · 07/06/2015 07:45

I just wanted to offer some support to the OP over the sleeping.

Yes, your average 2yo needs 11-12 hours sleep and still naps in the day. But we are not all average! Both my dc were very similar to your ds in terms of sleep. They were sleeping 12 hours in 24 as babies and never slept more than 11 hours as toddlers, often 10. I was keeping both of them awake all day by 19 months. Just 10min sleep would be disastrous. Ds would go to sleep ok but would wake up at 4:30am. Dd would be awake till 10pm and would then wake for an hour or two in the night as well.

They are both completely normal in all other respects, now 5 and 8 and doing well at school etc, but they still don't need much sleep!

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but had so many incredulous people insist to me that the dc MUST need a nap, that I just needed to get them down earlier or let them sleep longer etc - this is not always true and you are not alone!

alwaysabattle · 07/06/2015 08:04

Op I feel for you I have 2ds ds1 is 7 ds2 is 3 in 9 days. He is exactly the same as you ds and I do exactly the same as you. You are not wrong to ask them to keep him up and I would be mad if they didn't fortunately I'm a sham as my dh works away it is hard but him napping just isn't worse the consequences. Can I ask have you had his hearing tested?

zobey · 07/06/2015 08:06

My dd stopped naps on her own accord at 6 1/2 months old. People didnt belive me but she was getting 12 hours on a night from 2 days old. Its your child. Your way. Your dh is understandable fustrated but was out of order in mho. There is better ways to approach situations.

alwaysabattle · 07/06/2015 08:07

Worse should be worth