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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have said no naps for 2 year old ds (mil related, and long)

191 replies

justbatteringon · 06/06/2015 19:33

DS turned two in April. If he has a nap during the day is up until at least midnight, about a month and a half ago DP and I agreed to try no naps for a week to see if it helped any. It did DS's mood improved he was sleeping from 7.30 - 8pm until 6 - 7am the next morning (his usual wake up times). I admit some days he has a tired period but usually if you distract him/keep him busy he'll have no problem staying up.

At the minute DP's parents take care of the children while DP and I are working, controversial to MNers I know but it's very temporary and it's a long story but please believe me when I say I have legitimate reasons and I appreciate them doing it very much.

So DP's parents watch them at the most about 5 hours a day maybe 3 times a week. We asked them to please not let DS nap, because of above reasons DP was insistent to them that they not nap I took the approach with them that I understood that he's sometimes hard work to keep but up but if you've tried and he's knackered then let him have a wee sleep. No problem or so I thought.

They've since told DP that they will not make any attempt to keep him up and if DS wants to sleep they're going to let him and that is that. They even lied about letting him nap which made us think he would be much more tired than he was and took him to bed much earlier than we would of had we known he'd had a sleep during the day. This happened 2 days in a row and it's not even the problem.

DP sent them a whatsapp picture of DS at midnight saying "this is what i mean about letting him sleep he's still up and it's after midnight i know my boy and i know when he needs his sleep"

FIL replied that he was absolutely livid at DP for sending him that message and MIL sent DP 3 messages about how terrible he was how none of her other children were as terrible and was he proud of himself that his DF was now going to bed with high blood pressure. I told DP to ask them over for coffee the next day to sort this out. MIL responded that DP must have a guilty conscience to invite them for coffee.

I thought that the response was absolutely awful and want to have a word with them to clear the air and remind them that we are the parents and not them.

Would I be wrong to do that?

Does anyone else not allow their 2 year old to nap?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 06/06/2015 20:01

Completely understand your position, my DD did not nap, and it isn't something I encourage now. She sleeps 7pm- 6-8am and I know this is adequate for her.

However, as I use my mum for childcare I've come to accept that if you want the free help, it has to be on their terms. My mum would not fight with a toddler to stay awake. She would go ballistic if I what's app'd such pictures to her. I think that was out of order of your husband- after all they're giving up their free time.

It's only 2 more weeks, suck it up and act more grateful, even if your not Flowers

Tottyandmarchpane1 · 06/06/2015 20:01

Nurseries won't put your child down for a nap if you specifically ask them not to! They'll distract etc. i don't think the OP is unreasonable at all, it's a temporary arrangement and she'd asked them to do one thing for good reason. They could have said no to the arrangement.

TarkaTheOtter · 06/06/2015 20:01

They sound really hard work and theirs is a massive overreaction (although your dh's text was a bit PA) but they are doing you a favour.

Theycallmemellowjello · 06/06/2015 20:03

But I'm not sure when your son sleeps affects his interests as long as he's getting enough sleep overall - it surely won't do him any harm to be up at midnight as long as he makes up his sleep in the day. Is the issue that you and DP get tired before then, so he's keeping you up?

Sirzy · 06/06/2015 20:04

Sorry but I think it's wrong to expect people to keep a tired child awake, and unfair on the child. Better to have a short nap and wake them up if needed than let them get over tired and fractious.

Hissy · 06/06/2015 20:04

Ungrateful? If something SO SIMPLE couldn't be done wrt caring for my child despite clear explanation as to why, and I was lied to and my child ended up being up until midnight and as a consequence me/do up til even later, too right I'd be 'ungrateful'

To ignore reasonable requests by the child's parents is NOT on.

Tonberry · 06/06/2015 20:05

I think there's unreasonable behaviour on both sides. There was no need for your DP to send them a picture of DS still awake at midnight, it's churlish and unnecessary. He should have waited until morning, when things were more calm, and had a sensible chat about it instead. I've been up late with tired babies and toddlers, I know it can be fraught and it really wasn't the best time to raise it with them.

They're being unreasonable in their response, although I can see why they got annoyed, there's no need for nastiness.

If your DS is tired then they probably don't see the harm in letting him sleep. Paid for childcare will be the same in most cases. I'm a childminder and my policy is that I won't go out of my way to keep a child awake, it's not practical when I have other mindees and it's not fair on the child if they're getting upset, fractious, and grumpy.

loveandsmiles · 06/06/2015 20:06

Sorry OP but YABU although I understand your frustration. They are kindly helping you out with childcare so you either have to gratefully accept this or change your plans. You say new childcare starts in 2 weeks - that's not long - I would just keep the peace until then. However, you may find that if you are sending DC to nursery, they will actively encourage a daytime nap - imagine having 20+ fractious little ones running around - no thanksGrin

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 06/06/2015 20:06

I understand your preferences but that message was shockingly rude. I am not surprised you got a mouthful back.

Unless you have a nanny you are also going to need to accept that post lunch will be quiet time, not 'distract him out of nap' time.

lomega · 06/06/2015 20:12

I can sympathise, because I have the opposite problem: my DM has my DS once a week but won't let him nap at all "because she doesn't want to spoil his fun" Hmm So when she brings him home to me he's in a lovely mood...

But you know what? She isn't doing him any harm, and she is good enough to have him 1 day a week, so I just let it slide. If it bugged me that much I'd pay for alternative childcare.

I'm going to echo everyone else on this thread and say if you don't like how your ILs care for your child, you need to look at alternatives.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 06/06/2015 20:12

I would imagine that if you 'clear the air' by 'reminding them you are the parents and not them', they will justifiably respond saying ' well you fucking look after him then'. You and your partner sound shockingly rude and ungrateful. And I love the 'he's not going to nursery'. Not good enough for your precious little flower?

Original poster
justbatteringon · 06/06/2015 20:12

When he sleeps until midnight he's still up at 6am he's non verbal so I try to do a lot of activities to help improve his speach he's very grumpy if he hasn't had enough sleep.

Yes dp and I are tired after a long day of work.
PIL usually have 2 of DP adult siblings in the house to help keep with DS. I wouldn't ask them to take care of him on their own and of course if PIL are on their own I understand that he gets bored and has a nap.

DP was wrong to send them that picture message but it had been a long week and we were both knackered.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 06/06/2015 20:13

You guys would have words about them letting him nap at pick up because you would have not been happy. It might not have escalated but words would have been said.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 06/06/2015 20:14

You being knackered is understandable. .But rudeness has consequences.

Daft thing is that if you had handled it better you might have talked them round. You never will now.

Blistory · 06/06/2015 20:16

So their son said no naps whatsoever and you said he can nap if he really needs to ? No wonder they were confused.

BlinkAndMiss · 06/06/2015 20:16

It's always tricky having relatives help with childcare. My MIL is fantastic and would never go against what I'd requested but my DM is the opposite and it really makes life difficult for DH and I regarding meal times and sleep.

FWIW I would have messaged to say DS was still up, I don't think some people realise how awful it is when you're knackered from work and then you have to stay up even later when there is a very simple solution to it. You need to speak to them again and discuss the impact it's having on you. Clearly, they are finding it difficult to have your DS all day and the nap gives them a break so it's probably for the best that you have alternative childcare anyway, but it's important that you put things right with them before your DS stops being looked after by them. Maybe just explain that you didn't mean to insult them or offend them, but that DS's late nights are difficult to deal with.

I do think their reaction was very unreasonable, although they are doing you a favour they also get something out of it too - time with their grandchild - that other grandparents don't all get. So really, the arrangement works both ways and relies on mutual respect. Their lies about the napping is not respectful and it has caused the issue. I'm not sure how well this would go down if you mentioned it to them but you could. I'd suggest an alternative like quiet time or a walk or something, again this might not go down well if they're insisting that they're right.

Pastaeater · 06/06/2015 20:17

They are doing you a favour. Suck it up.

addictedtosugar · 06/06/2015 20:18

I understand why you don't want him to nap, but equally it can be very hard not to let a toddler to sleep if they want to.

My message to nursery was I didn't want him to be encouraged to sleep, but if he was tired, he could. ie please don't lie him down and rub his back to get him to go to sleep. This was usually OK.

I think your just going to have to lump it for the next two weeks, and hope that it settle back down when your paying for care (when you can be a bit more forceful about no napping!)

Original poster
justbatteringon · 06/06/2015 20:21

inspace I'd actually love it if he could go to nursery I'd love my precious little flower to interact with children his own age but unfortunately there aren't many nurserys in my area and they're all full.

A small part of why PIL's are taking care of him is because I was hoping there was an opening in one. They love spending time with their grandchildren and asked me if they could watch him while I waited to see if there was space instead of getting a childminder.

OP posts:
7amWakeUp · 06/06/2015 20:23

I dropped my two year olds nap for a while as she was staying up until 9am, totally sympathise with the midnight bed time that's hard work for parents you need your down time

Anyway, my two year old was getting too stroppy in the afternoon so now she has just 20-30 mins around mid day and that works well

I understand why you want to work to keep him awake but I do think its unfair on a toddler to not be allowed to nap as he won't be able to enjoy his playtime or learn as well

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 06/06/2015 20:23

So is he going to a childminder? What other mindees does she have?

Original poster
justbatteringon · 06/06/2015 20:24

My message to nursery was I didn't want him to be encouraged to sleep, but if he was tired, he could. ie please don't lie him down and rub his back to get him to go to sleep.
addictedtosugar this is exactly what I told PIL.

OP posts:
Original poster
justbatteringon · 06/06/2015 20:26

Penguin she doesn't have any other mindees one the days she has my 2 dcs.

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 06/06/2015 20:27

Point taken OP. But as you've admitted he was wrong to send the message, and being tired is no excuse, why don't you just apologise to them?

BarbarianMum · 06/06/2015 20:31

So what you expect them to do if he lies down? On the one hand you are saying its OK for him to sleep if he wants to, on the other you are criticizing them for letting him sleep even though there is no suggestion that they encouraged it.

Basically you want them to poke and prod him to keep him awake, don't you?