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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent members of my wider family who voted Tory?

128 replies

Livingtothefull · 06/06/2015 18:47

I love them and being with them (parents & siblings), that will never change, but I can't help being cross with them all the same:

Before the election we discussed who we would be voting for, who was going to win etc. Some family members said that they would be voting Tory because they felt that 'the economy would be in the safest hands'.

I told them that we all knew that if the Tories got in they would make savage cuts to public services, and that these were likely to affect some of the most vulnerable….one of these is my DS who is disabled, both physically (in a wheelchair) and severe learning disabilities.

Over the Coalition years quite a few of the things he used to enjoy and made our lives easier, have been stripped away. We knew if we had a Tory government that it was likely to get worse.

In the past few weeks we have learned the following:

The bus service that takes DS to his school (no suitable school in our area) is being cut back. The team of drivers/helpers, who have looked after him for over 5 years (so they know him & he is comfortable with them) is going to be replaced with a cheaper service….no first aid trained staff on the bus so instead we will be called, not great if we are at work.

DS goes to a family who look after him through a respite care service, every few weeks and occasionally overnight. Again, he has been going there for several years so close relationships have been formed. To cut a long story short, we have heard that this service is going to be reduced or even removed.

I wish we could just be left alone, we have enough on our plates without worrying about what is going to be taken away from DS and us next. I don't feel we are asking too much. My DS is highly vulnerable, will never be able to live independently, he will have as good a life as his country is willing to give him.

I will always love them but I really feel a gulf opening up between us & them in terms of our understanding, and this saddens me.

OP posts:
ragged · 06/06/2015 21:41

In the past few weeks we have learned the following:...(respite, bus service)

is it reasonable to blame those changes on the new Tory govt? I didn't think govt could make anything happen that fast wrt funding for local services (OP seems to be talking about local initiatives).

If I were OP I'd want to tell family & world about these changes, just not sure it's a result of anyone voting Tory in the last 6 weeks.

BettyCatKitten · 06/06/2015 21:46

Exactly op. Caring for the disabled is a specialist field.
I am trained in medication, emergency medication, epilepsy, gastrostomy feeds, physio, moving and handling, first aid etc.
It really isn't that simple, however, some

soapboxqueen · 06/06/2015 21:47

It's the same tory government though. They've set budgets for the past 5 years so it does involve them.

BettyCatKitten · 06/06/2015 21:52

Sorry posted by mistake!
The point I was trying to make was that not anyone can just care for a severely disabled child/adult.
I really hope your respite remains and you can access the help and support you need to care for your son.
This subject is very hard for people to understand unless they either live it or work in it.
The people I work with, and myself, care very much for the children we care for and their families.

prorsum · 06/06/2015 21:57

YANBU.

JeanSeberg · 06/06/2015 22:06

just not sure it's a result of anyone voting Tory in the last 6 weeks

Who do you think was in power before the election?Confused

JohnFarleysRuskin · 06/06/2015 22:06

I didn't assume you voted labour I just asked if you resented labour voters for electing successive govts that got us into this mess.

As for the fptp comments- we've had this systems for hundreds of years, surely everyone knew how it worked (and we had a big chance to change it!) -you can claim any govt is illegitimate.

Sleepyhoglet · 06/06/2015 22:09

My dad voted ukip, his partner lib dem, my mum Tory and I voted labour!

BettyCatKitten · 06/06/2015 22:12

I've worked in this field for nearly 11 years. It was better provided for before the coalition took power.
Also, amendments were made to The Children Act (1989) in 1999 and 2004 recognising the 'rights' of disabled children.

fiveacres · 06/06/2015 22:16

I'm hugely sympathetic to you on a personal basis OP and I hope things improve Flowers

One point I would make, though, and this is a general one and not aimed at you specifically as such, but the overwhelming criticism of Tory voters is that they are selfish and think only of themselves.

Yet when someone does vote for someone to best serve their own interests as in this case, it's above criticism and reproach.

I don't blame anyone for voting for who they want. But, that has to be consistent and not 'okay when it's labour'!

purdiepie · 06/06/2015 22:20

What do you mean your son will live as good a life as this country allows him to live?

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 06/06/2015 22:20

Thanks again to all those who posted.

JohnFarley, without getting into the extent to which the Labour government or international events were to blame for the crash (there have been debates about this) nobody voted for it to happen, it took most of us by surprise. Whereas those who voted Tory did so knowing that future cuts were inevitable, it is not a comparable situation. The Tories have been in government for 5 years so we knew what to expect.

It is hard not to take it personally when it is my own life and DS and the services he and we rely on, that are at risk.

It is a cop out to blame local councils, the government is ultimately accountable. If they wanted to prioritise/ring fence these services they would.

I do talk to family together with anyone else I can about these services, they knew how I felt about this and, knowing how I felt and how it was liable to affect DS, chose to vote Tory. It's their prerogative but….

I don't think the FPTP system is fit for purpose, no…just because it has been around for hundreds of years doesn't make it a good system. I think people did not vote for reform because they didn't like/didn't understand the alternative on offer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livingtothefull · 06/06/2015 22:36

purdiepie - what I mean is that a civilised country such as we pride ourselves on being, would want to ensure that people like my DS have a high quality of life. How about we rate ourselves as a nation, by the way we treat its weakest/most vulnerable members? I don't accept there is no money, we are a rich country; but the money is being concentrated in fewer and fewer hands. The richest have actually grown enormously richer during the 'austerity' years.

I certainly don't assume that all tory voters are selfish and out for themselves, I am sure that many of them voted with the best of intentions. But they can't claim they didn't know that cutbacks in public services were going to happen and I wonder how many asked themselves what that would actually mean for people.

Betty - you are right that disabled services used to be a lot better, it is very upsetting to see things that used to be available for my DS being pared down & stripped away over the years.

OP posts:
Phoeberdoos · 06/06/2015 22:37

Everybody has to vote based on their own opinions, you can tell them how you feel and voice your own opinion but it is their decision. That's the whole point of democracy love.

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 06/06/2015 22:45

Phoeberdoos I don't disagree with that. I am all for democracy - don't like the FPTP system because it is insufficiently democratic, we have a government that represents about a third of the voters, who are free to do more or less what they want.

OP posts:
CumberCookie · 06/06/2015 22:46

I think YABU, sorry.

I hate the tory government and their savage cuts but a lot of people voted tory and if I started hating them all, well I think I'd be in for an unhappy life.

jacks11 · 06/06/2015 22:48

I think YABU.

I can see from your posts that from your point of view, the way they voted was selfish. I think it is, as you acknowledged, an irrational feeling and has it's origins in the fact you feel things are getting tough for you, but your family don't understand this. To be fair, they probably don't entirely understand your specific concerns. I can see from your posts that you are having a hard time, and very worried about losing services that help you cope and improve your DS's quality of life. I'm sorry about that.

I think you should try to remind yourself that your family members are, according to you, good people and try to remember that their political views will be based on a number of factors, not all related to the things that concern you. You may not agree with things they views and priorities, but surely you can admit they are entitled to have different views and priorities to your own? Can you try to focus on this, rather than let your resentment/annoyance at your family build? The only one who will suffer regarding this is you. It seems to me you have more important things to expend your emotional resources on.

On a more general point, not specifically aimed at OP, I'd like to see a lot less demonisation of others. Not everyone who voted tory (and no, I'm not one of them) did so because they are selfish, heartless individuals who want the poor/ disabled/ children/immigrants/insert chosen group here, to suffer (just as not all Labour supporters are irresponsible, spendthrift champagne socialists).

From discussions I've had with others, and what I've read/heard in the media, it would seem some people voted Tory because they are concerned about increasing public debt and passing this onto future generations, or what would happen if there was another downturn. Many don't trust labour with the economy because of past problems. Some don't want so much state interference in their lives and believe the Tories would help in this regard. These are just a few reasons people vote for a party you believe purposefully set out to harm those such as your DS. I think that is a gross generalisation.

Samcro · 06/06/2015 22:51

yanbu
I have a family member who is tory. they told me if i didn't like this country I should pack my bags and leave.
but its ok cos they so fun runs , and use my disabled dd's name.....

jellybeans · 06/06/2015 23:26

Yanbu. I feel the same no matter how much I try not to. I can't help but think if they must be very selfish and not care about the vulnerable or if they are just not aware of what they are voting for. Also many of them seem to gloat about 'scroungers' having to get a job now!! Hmmmm

BettyCatKitten · 06/06/2015 23:29

Op, I'm sorry that this is happening to you.
FPTP or otherwise.
A disabled child or adult should be regarded as an individual regardless of their disability......

OfaFrenchMind · 06/06/2015 23:50

Thing is, when voting for a Party, you do not vote for one policy and leave the others out. You vote for a general project, be it economic, social and overall values.

So they are very likely to be sympathetic about your situation, but being sympathetic and letting it influence their choice about what should be done to help the country (in their opinion) is not the same.
The difference between Tories and Labour is not only what is done about benefits, and cannot be reduced to that. The Labour cannot base their popularity and future projects on how many benefits they can give.

FireCanal · 06/06/2015 23:59

It is hard not to take it personally when it is my own life and DS and the services he and we rely on, that are at risk.

Why do you think your own life is at risk?

Happfeet2911 · 07/06/2015 00:03

I'm with you rainy, this Tory bashing is getting very tedious. Our grandparents and parents fought and died for our right to a democracy, more people voted Tory than labour, get over it. Anyway it is nobody else's business who you vote for and I would never consider cutting anybody out of my life on that basis, thank god!

soapboxqueen · 07/06/2015 00:30

People also fought and died for freedom of speech. You have the right to vote for whoever you want but you do not have the right to silence anyone who disagrees with you for voting that way. Especially if you share with others who you voted for.

Many people not only voted against the tories but really, really dislike them and their politics. People are allowed to express that dislike as many times as they like.

wtfisgoingonhere · 07/06/2015 00:35

For the record I work for a local authority (in finance) and whilst I don't set budgets I do work closely with those who do. Our financial year runs April to march with budgets being agreed in January. In addition we publish, plan and have to work to a medium term plan (3 years) so I can assure you OP that the cuts you are assuming/have been told/have seen happening will NOT be as a result (direct or otherwise) of the most recent election.

In addition by far the largest chuck of funding we receive annually (and far in excess of council tax contributions) is ring fenced for schools and youth social services, so in that sense the services YOU feel should be protected are. I can't speak nationally but that is certainly the case here.

In terms of our budgets it's care for older people which is hit hardest which others may have issue with.

I can't say what is right or wrong especially as I have no children or elderly relatives so neither of the above directly impact me. What I will say is all areas of our authority have to fight for and justify every penny they want to spend. I'm not talking councillors or politicians but managers like "you and i" each of whom have their own priorities. They fight their corner for funding in the same way each of us has the right to vote for who WE want to

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