To resent members of my wider family who voted Tory?

[Livingtothefull]

I love them and being with them (parents & siblings), that will never change, but I can't help being cross with them all the same:

Before the election we discussed who we would be voting for, who was going to win etc. Some family members said that they would be voting Tory because they felt that 'the economy would be in the safest hands'.

I told them that we all knew that if the Tories got in they would make savage cuts to public services, and that these were likely to affect some of the most vulnerable….one of these is my DS who is disabled, both physically (in a wheelchair) and severe learning disabilities.

Over the Coalition years quite a few of the things he used to enjoy and made our lives easier, have been stripped away. We knew if we had a Tory government that it was likely to get worse.

In the past few weeks we have learned the following:

The bus service that takes DS to his school (no suitable school in our area) is being cut back. The team of drivers/helpers, who have looked after him for over 5 years (so they know him & he is comfortable with them) is going to be replaced with a cheaper service….no first aid trained staff on the bus so instead we will be called, not great if we are at work.

DS goes to a family who look after him through a respite care service, every few weeks and occasionally overnight. Again, he has been going there for several years so close relationships have been formed. To cut a long story short, we have heard that this service is going to be reduced or even removed.

I wish we could just be left alone, we have enough on our plates without worrying about what is going to be taken away from DS and us next. I don't feel we are asking too much. My DS is highly vulnerable, will never be able to live independently, he will have as good a life as his country is willing to give him.

I will always love them but I really feel a gulf opening up between us & them in terms of our understanding, and this saddens me.

Theycallmemellowjello intelligent and articulate response that sums up my thoughts - thank you.

Sorry Op but YABU. People didn't vote Tory to give disabled a harder time. I can only relate it to my own circumstances - do I want to spend every penny I get and even borrow more, or do I want some "wriggle room" to cover unexpected expenditure.

I do sympathise with your situation. Things are clearly very difficult for you. All I will say about who I voted for is that it wasn't Tory. Whilst I do think that they handle the economy better than Labour, I am often uncomfortable with the level of cutbacks they propose.

Do your family help you out when it comes to looking out for your DS, either in practical terms or as moral support? Try not to resent them or let it build. It surely won't have been meant personally, and they are entitled to vote as they see fit.

To be honest, this is part of the reason that I believe the secret ballot system by which we vote should remain just that. Secret. I think it causes unnecessary tensions otherwise.

We are all different. We all have different circumstances colouring our outlooks on life, and we all have a variety of different beliefs for different reasons. Even for individuals within the same family. Hence, we may vote differently.

YABU.

Is isolating yourself from the people who love you based on a cross in a box really a well thought through idea?

Direct your anger at the Tories, not the voters. To do this, join the Labour party and support their campaign. Strengthen them, and encourage people to vote for the opposite.

I am very surprised to read that most people vote based on what best suits them; I vote based on what I think is good for the country as a whole, maybe that's just me but I don't think so.

Me too. That's why I voted Tory......

Me too, BMW6. For all of the reasons theycallmemellowjello listed.

YANBU.

YABU. My family (who don't live in the same area as me) all voted Tory. But they live in a safe seat (front bench minister) and all the other candidates were useless. I can't say I blame them for voting for the only credible candidate in their constituency, even if they didn't agree with all aspects of Tory policy.

Well I don't know what to think, I am telling you quite directly (like I told my family) what the cutbacks mean and will mean for the vulnerable like my DS, you obviously feel it is a sacrifice worth making.

I don't expect anyone without first hand experience to fully understand how isolating disability can be and how much we rely on services like a respite service (social outlet for DS as much as respite for us) and the transport service (to enable us to continue to work and contribute to that self same economy).

Believe me I don't deliberately isolate myself from anyone, family members (none of them involved in his care) included, but I can see a gulf in understanding opening up and it is not of my making.

I don't think things would be any better for you under a Labour government right now. Resenting your family for daring to vote differently to you, perhaps because they felt strongly about other issues that affected them, is completely unreasonable. You can explain to them how the cuts are affecting you, and perhaps they will offer to help you out, but you can't blame them for the cuts. Get over yourself.

Of course you are not unreasonable. You have every reason to feel upset and disappointed, plus to question why people with a disabled nephew/grandson would see the Tories as a positive option.

It always happens on these threads though. People remind you that they're allowed to vote for who they like or they're not bad people or tell you to grow up. We don't march through life as automatons. You are simply asking if it's normal to feel the way you do. They're feelings. They aren't controlled by rational thought most of the time. It's not like you demanded your relatives lose their vote and be flogged. You are, naturally, upset. It would be nice if people could acknowledge why you feel that way and use it as a discussion around how politics affects different people in different ways instead of telling you no, you are wrong to have this reaction and you should cease and desist.

My very good friend shocked me this year. We met at a Che Guevara lecture. He is a committed left wing, anti-establishment old hippy, just like me. We've shared these views for so many years and he has campaigned, rebelled and spoken out about things as long as I've known him. He voted UKIP. I thought he was joking at first. I was so thrown by it. It goes against everything he believed in. It really shook me. Our friendship was built on shared ideals and experiences and suddenly, I just don't understand him. I knew he was dissatisfied by the lack of left wing options but UKIP?

Yanbu to resent anyone voting Tory but I think you should resent them for voting Tory anyway, not just because of the direct affect on your family. Are you saying you would vote Tory if your son were not disabled?

Yanbu in personal experiance tory voters dont think about people like you or your ds. They care about Tax cuts and view everyone as a number and not a human.

They are the party of the coporate elite. They look after the real things that need cuts, the profit margins of global corporations.

While some cut backs can be made without any fall out. The are consequences to much of it and they often end up costing more than the original cuts saved.

Other services end up picking up the slack such as police, hospitals etc Individuals bare the brunt by not being able to work or having to pay for things that should be provided. The general public through increased insurance prices, house devaluations etc The vulnerable who maybe aren't given the support they need at the right time and end up costing for more in the long term.

That's before the long term human cost.

I think some people are very short sighted.

Interesting article in the independent today about one tory donor and the money he's making from a chronically understaffed NHS by supplying over priced agency staff.

Clobbered - I don't understand what are these so important 'other issues that affected them' so much more than the interests of my DS. They are all comfortable and doing well in life. I discussed with them many times my worries about further cutbacks and what it might mean for DS, they went ahead and voted for them anyway, and were completely open with me about who they voted for, I didn't ask them.

Of course they are free to vote for whatever they like, I can't help feeling the way I do. I am not proud of it. I am explaining how I feel, I don't say that it is good but can't just switch this off and feel differently. I don't blame the family for the cutbacks, but do question why they thought it was OK to vote for them.

I think that telling me to 'get over myself' or 'grow up' is shall we say a little out of order, I don't mind anyone disagreeing with me but really really don't deserve that.

If I didn't have my DS I would be a different person, having DS changed me forever. So I can't say how I would vote if things were different…don't mean to sound too pompous but I hope I would still vote for the greater good.

Democracy means everyone is entitled to vote for who they want, and whilst I think it's terrible that services such as those you rely on have been reduced I really don't believe things would be any better under a Labour govt.

I think if anyone could prove, 100%, that the services you are talking about have only been cancelled because of the new government, and that Labour wouldn't have been forced into making those cuts too, then it might more reasonable.

I do understand where you're coming from. It's just... one,this is AIBU so it's unlikely to be a serious discussion. But also it seems as though you have more resentment there towards your family, that this is just the icing on the cake?

Meh, I'm sure you also equally resent those who voted tony £330000 fee to speak about world hunger Blair and Gordon stupid sale of gold reserves, failure to regulate banking, 'prudence ha ha' brown...

I agree that labour would probably not have diverted to far from the path the coalition started. However, voting isn't just about the practicalities, it's about ethos and motivating factors behind the practicalities.

If in some bizarre coincidence the labour party and conservative party had the exact same manifesto, word for word, the reasons for the choices they made would be for very different reasons.

I think those differences are important and do say something about the ideals of the people who vote for them.

Yabu in a democracy we can vote for who we like.

But then I would have been annoyed at anyone who voted lib demos or labour as I don't want my kids swimming in national debt from their borrow borrow borrow policies...

I don't believe the govt./tax payers should keep spending on keeping everyone else afloat, I think more people need to take responsibilities for their situation. Of course their are groups of people in society who need genuine help but the pendulum has swung too far the wrong way.

YANBU because bottom line is that alot of people don't care about the effects of the cuts on people like your DS and you. And now you feel like your family are part of that. I realised that in the run up and immediately after the election. I hope you keep your respite care provision.

Yanbu. I work in a care facility providing respite for families of disabled children.
Families are in desperate need after other services have been cut, often ringing us in tears.
How long we have funding for we just don't know.
What will happen to the children and families we support? Left to get on with it I guess.
I'm sorry you're going through this

It's your local council/LEA who is cutting back... It's your council that is interpreting the cuts and imposing them... Is your council being fair in its cost-cutting? Government imposes financial cut-backs.. Councils decide where to impose those cuts.... If your council's ruling party differs from government then you're stuffed ( though in my opinion if they're the same you're still stuffed!!) but generally speaking it's the ruling party of your council who has decided

I am really sorry for the families you support BettyCatKitten, we are active in local charity and we get to hear from desperate people too. There are people who are far worse off than us. This is beyond politics, people just should care about what is happening in this country and the other people in it, just as fellow human beings. This is one of the largest economies in the world, I don't accept that we can't afford to look after the most vulnerable.

Who is this 'everyone else' that taxpayers should apparently not have to pay to 'keep afloat'? I would love to know how my DS is supposed to take more responsibility for his situation, he is in his mid teens and has a mental age of about 4.

I agree fully with soapbox queen that cutting these services to the bone is a shortsighted policy that is going to further costs in the long term. I can't make anyone care about the human cost, you either do or you don't.

I didn't mention the Labour party so not sure why they have been brought up and why it is assumed I voted for them. BTW they are not the only alternative to the Tories. I don't know whether things would be worse under Labour: but the Tories were identified specifically as the party of cutbacks so those who voted for them knew what they were voting for.

They actually got only a minority of the total vote although under our FPTP system the Tories on the basis of a minority vote overall have carte blanche to do whatever they like - but that is a whole separate thread.

Op I would suggest you tell your family that they will need to help you with your ds when respite is cut. After all this is 'the big society' mantra. All family members will be expected to provide care for the disabled and sick in their families.

Betty - not only would they not want to provide care (they have their own lives/jobs/DCs which of course I respect), they would not be able to. DS needs really specialised care.

That's a v perceptive comment MrsRSharpe that there may be some wider resentment against my family. Resentment may be too strong a word...I think that this is happening very much against my will, and as I say my family are good people, but I think my experiences are diverging more and more from theirs and things are getting really tough now in ways that must be very difficult for them to relate to. They say they understand - and then do something (like vote Tory, sorry!!) which makes me doubt that.

Oh BTW the people who care for DC, do so on the minimum wage. I don't think it should be a minimum wage job….may not require any qualifications but you do need certain 'soft skills' to be able to care for the disabled/vulnerable together with health and safety awareness - so think the wage should be higher to reflect this.

But it is minimum wage employment and where we live, it is not feasible to live on minimum wage….so your precious taxes are being spent in propping up these workers' low wages.