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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to throw this book away?

73 replies

cakedup · 04/06/2015 14:28

DS is 10. His father has not been in contact at all since DS was 3. Better that way as he is a total idiot.

I'm having a clear out and just came across a huge story book (A4 size, 1000 pages) which his father had inscribed inside: "my dear son, here are some stories for you. Some days they will be read to you. Some days you will read them. Always they will be yours. With all my love, your father."

Which is a bollocks message really considering he has not been a father to him at all. He was a man of many words....but zero action (positive action that is). He has never read DS a story in his fucking life.

I've kept the book til now, despite instinctively feeling I should chuck it. I suppose I felt that it wasn't mine to throw away. DS has never seen it. I thought that perhaps I would keep it and give it to DS when he's older and DS could decide what to do with it. But what would be the point in giving him something that I know was written without any real feeling?

AIBU to chuck the big mother fucking thing away once and for all?

OP posts:

DoJo · 04/06/2015 14:33

I don't think I could chuck it - it's something that your son might want to see when he is older and perhaps more able to deal with the difference between the words on the page and the actions of his father. He might find it comforting to know that his father had good intentions, even if they came to nothing, he might appreciate proof that his father was full of shit when he made this 'promise'. However, I'm sure you will do the best thing for your son - you know him best and will be the one who has to deal with any fallout if he does see the book in the future...

mupperoon · 04/06/2015 14:33

I get where you're coming from and sympathise but I reckon you know YABU! It's not yours to chuck and it is a tenuous link for your DS to his feckless father.

ItsTricky · 04/06/2015 14:34

Mmmm difficult one. As you say, his dad hasn't been there for him but I'd feel a bit odd about chucking this away. It might bring some comfort to your ds one day to know his dad did think of him once (even though you know he's a knob). Maybe pop it in the attic for a bit longer and have a re think next time yoy come across it.

ItsTricky · 04/06/2015 14:35

*you

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2015 14:36

Why have you kept it from him? He would probably have enjoyed the stories when he was younger.

As for the wording, well he'll make his own mind up about that and no doubt agree with you that it's silly.

Reignbeau · 04/06/2015 14:36

Could you carefully cut out that page with a sharp knife so you would never know it was there and then your son gets to enjoy the stories without it being tainted by his deadbeat father?

Original poster

cakedup · 04/06/2015 14:37

I suppose I don't want it to upset DS, or make him think that his father does care for him and therefore give him any false hope.

I've never outright said that his father doesn't care about him - that much is obvious from his actions. I've just said that some people just aren't very good at being parents.

OP posts:

00100001 · 04/06/2015 14:38

YABU it's not really yours to throw away.

Original poster

cakedup · 04/06/2015 14:39

It's not about the book itself - he has got loads of books.

If i'm going to get rid of the inscription then I'd rather get rid of the book tbh. I certainly don't want to be reminded of him.

OP posts:

Original poster

cakedup · 04/06/2015 14:40

I'm wondering when would be a good time to give it to him, or if that day will ever come.

OP posts:

Original poster

cakedup · 04/06/2015 14:40

If it brings him comfort, that's great. But it might bring him distress.

OP posts:

SillyStuffBiting · 04/06/2015 14:42

I don't think you should get rid of it

Justusemyname · 04/06/2015 14:44

Yabu to throw it away. It isn't yours. Keep until your child is older and / or asks about his father. I'd be furious if I was the child who's mother threw away something from my father, a crap one or not.

steppemum · 04/06/2015 14:44

I would keep it.
It gives ds the knowledge that there was a moment when his dad felt that way.
That may make you cross as he never followed through, but I think it will matter to him.

BeenWondering · 04/06/2015 14:45

I'd chuck it. Why give DS false hope. If his father had meant those words he'd have lived up to them. You can write all the sweetest messages in the world but if you don't actually act accordingly or live by your word then it's meaningless.
I'm sure your DS has access to many fascinating stories. He hasn't seen it and therefore won't miss it. What's his dad likely to say in years "Oh son, your mother chucked away that book I gave to you." A nice gesture I suppose but it would have been much nicer to have a father who gave shit about him around.
Chuck it out OP and think no more of it.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 04/06/2015 14:45

You could put it away for a later conversation? Our adopted DC has a box of things from her birth family, some of which we have talked about and shared, some of which is being held for the future. It's all stored in a box in our room

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/06/2015 14:45

Yanbu to be irritated, but YABU to throw it out. You can't really gloss over the useless father, surely your DS notices that other families are different? Let him make his own mind up.

ItsTricky · 04/06/2015 14:45

Maybe when he's an adult you can give him to him and explain why you didn't give it to him as a child. He'll most likely want chuck it away himself, but that should definitely be his decision.

PenguinBollards · 04/06/2015 14:50

Put it away somewhere out of sight, and give it to him when he's older. He might want to keep it (maybe even to remind him of the type of father he is NOT going to be, or that his father is a man who doesn't keep to his word). Or he might want to sling it. But it's his to decide what to do with.

curlyweasel · 04/06/2015 14:53

I'd donate it rather than chuck it. It's a book with an inscription. If it was a personal letter or effect he wanted to hand down, that'd be different. But then I'm not particularly sentimental.

Original poster

cakedup · 04/06/2015 15:10

I suppose there is the option of cutting out the page with the inscription and chucking away the book? We are talking one hefty book here.

BeenWondering I really doubt his father would even remember the book at all.

I think it's the fact that one of his overriding qualities is that he was a liar. So, would talk about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me, and then 2 days later sleeping with a stranger. So although the inscription sounds nice, I know it's completely meaningless.

OP posts:

OhHolyFuck · 04/06/2015 15:12

I'd cut the page out/chuck it if that was not possible without it being obvious.

I have a father who fucked off when I was in my early teens never to be heard from again, I wouldn't want that kind of insincerity lying around

00100001 · 04/06/2015 15:16

"So although the inscription sounds nice, I know it's completely meaningless."

Maybe so, but it's for your Son to decide later what he wants to do with it.

Clearly now is not the time to give it to him. So put it away for a few years until the time is right.

To throw it away because you don't like the person who gave it to DS is a bit unfair.

BeenWondering · 04/06/2015 15:18

All the more reason to chuck it then cake. Do it and be done with it. End of story... so to speak.

BeenWondering · 04/06/2015 15:28

Posted too soon:

You've spent 10 years raising your son. Looking after him when he was ill, taking pride in his achievements, listening to him talk about his life, interests and ideas. 10 years being his provider and carer. 10 years being the only parent that gave a shit about him and now your having a wobble about a nonsense message his father wrote in a book. His fathers words carry no meaning and in my honest opinion would cause distress to ds as he'd probably wonder why on earth his father abandoned him if he so seemingly 'loved' him. Get rid of the book, don't hassle yourself with cutting things out, just put it in the bin and think no more of it.

I don't advocate for speaking ill of his father to him (not that you have done so) but respect where respect is due. His father has not shown any semblance of being a father so why lead ds down the garden path with a bullshit sentimental message. Not worth it. And when you've chucked it have yourself a glass of and remember who actually here has loved and raised your son.

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