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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to throw this book away?

73 replies

cakedup · 04/06/2015 14:28

DS is 10. His father has not been in contact at all since DS was 3. Better that way as he is a total idiot.

I'm having a clear out and just came across a huge story book (A4 size, 1000 pages) which his father had inscribed inside: "my dear son, here are some stories for you. Some days they will be read to you. Some days you will read them. Always they will be yours. With all my love, your father."

Which is a bollocks message really considering he has not been a father to him at all. He was a man of many words....but zero action (positive action that is). He has never read DS a story in his fucking life.

I've kept the book til now, despite instinctively feeling I should chuck it. I suppose I felt that it wasn't mine to throw away. DS has never seen it. I thought that perhaps I would keep it and give it to DS when he's older and DS could decide what to do with it. But what would be the point in giving him something that I know was written without any real feeling?

AIBU to chuck the big mother fucking thing away once and for all?

OP posts:
Nabuma · 04/06/2015 16:54

I second just Please, please, please don't throw it away! I say this as someone who's DF died when I was a baby- I have no memories of him at all. As a teenager, when my mum was out I used to hunt the loft for things of his/mementoes as my DM would rarely speak of him b/cos it was too painful. Seeing and touching things that belonged to my father made it feel like he was a tangible and real person, not a myth. I used to like looking at his handwriting.

I obv don't know the ins/outs of your situation and it is of course somewhat different, I understand that. But I think it's a shame the book was never given to him when it was meant to. Now the only option is to give it to him with the knowledge that it was all a crock of shit Sad or dispose of it.

LeoandBoosmum · 04/06/2015 16:56

I understand your bitterness but the book is the property of your DS. Give it to him when the time is right and let him make his own mind up about what he wants to do with it.

Talismania · 04/06/2015 16:57

I'd want it if it was mine. Keep and let him decide when he's an adult.

lizabeth0607 · 04/06/2015 17:02

I would throw it away, my daughter was given a teddy by her bio dad around 9 months ago- he hasn't seen her since. She tells me at least once a week that Daddy got it for her and asks where he is- it's distressing- she is only 3 Sad

FeelingSmurfy · 04/06/2015 17:02

If he started relationship with his dad when he is older then his dad is sure to mention it and son could be upset that you didn't give him the option of seeing it etc

imnotafeministbut · 04/06/2015 17:16

Your DS's relationship with his father doesn't have to be as yours was with him. Don't chuck it, your son won't be under any illusions as to who and what kind of person his dad is, so don't make it worse.

Totally empathise with you though..

Justusemyname · 04/06/2015 18:07

My dad signed me away as a toddler having seen me less than handful of times. It still meant something that I had his name...

Original poster
cakedup · 04/06/2015 18:11

Thank you BeenWondering.

Nabuma I think our situations are far too different to compare. Your DF didn't choose to abandon you. And if DS wants to contact his father when he is older, that's up to him. He bought him the book when DS was a few months old so it wasn't age appropriate to have given it to him then.

Sorry to hear that lizabeth0607. DS wanted to see a photo of his dad when he was a few years old, so I showed him. It was really distressing for him and kept asking where his dad was. It's horrible to see that sort of heartbreak and I'll never forgive him for that.

OP posts:
orangefusion · 04/06/2015 18:44

If he has never read it thus far, it is unlikely that he will never pick it up and read it. At some point it is reasonable to do a cull of books to make space for new ones. At that point you can pick it up and say "what about this one?" and let him decide but dont point out the inscription. Job done. There is nothing wrong with that IMO.

Altinkum · 04/06/2015 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

orangefusion · 04/06/2015 18:46

Whoops- that should have read "unlikely that he will EVER pick it up and read it" (not never). Sorry :)

PHANTOMnamechanger · 04/06/2015 18:52

I think if you chuck it now it could backfire big time. Say as an adult DS and his dad are reunited and bridges mended, the past forgiven . How will your DS feel about YOU when he knows what you did?
Your son has so little of his dad, please give him the option of having the book - he will soon be old enough to work out for himself that the words were meaningless. Sad

CloverMcL · 04/06/2015 19:02

No. The only thing that strikes me as odd is you vaguely giving a shit. DS hadn't even seen it so there's no way it is relevant to your life as it is today.

BeenWondering · 04/06/2015 19:04

OP's Ds doesn't deserve the heartbreak of a fleeting moment regarding his father - a random note in a story book leaving Ds wondering where the fuck his dad was for all his life.

I agree that the problems OP had with Ds' father are problems best kept between themselves. But I also think OP doesn't have an axe to grind nor is she bitter. She's asking about something that is potentially damaging to her Ds. If his father had been interested in making a difference to his son I presume OP wouldn't have even started this thread. I'd also add that his father has had 10 whole years to get his act together. A message in a book means absolutely nothing.

So to those that say OP shouldn't throw away the book or it is Ds' decision, I'd remind you that this is a man whose only contribution to his ds is a cut-and-paste happy little message in a story book then pranced off into the sunset without so much as a backwards glance toward his own son. He has never given a shiny shit about this little boy so why should Ds treasure what is essentially a random message. His father has played no part in making ds into the boy he is today or the man he will later become so why does he get to proffer a message of apparent love and kindness then piss of into the sunset.

If his father wants to contact him one day or if ds wants to contact his father one day then so be it. They'll be acting on their own accord but I don't think OP should play any part in keeping up appearances for this absent father. He has had 10 years to make a change and a difference but in all that time he hasn't given a shiny shit. It's not cakedup's role to play facilitator. She's too busy raising her son!

The message his father wrote wasn't a sentimental message about love. It wasn't about a man who loved his child but for one reason or another could not be with him. He made his choice and has done so for at least the past 7 years. OP should not play a part in acting 'happy families.' She has nurtured ds for his whole life through good and bad so why should she suddenly act as if ds' father is a hero.

I think she's done a great job of not alienating ds from his father. The commutation lines remain open but OP should not, and I repeat not, be the one to act as if it's been plain sailing.

cake chuck the book and then come back to tell us it's in the bin along with various other items that needed to be thrown away. Have a good clear out. Make space for important things. If you're feeling generous then perhaps put it in recycling but otherwise just get rid. We are in the business of making our lives easier, not harder. Get rid. Wine

7amWakeUp · 04/06/2015 20:45

Don't throw it away
Even if you know the absent father is feckless and doesn't care about your son you need to lie to your son and tell him that his daddy cared about him and loved him but wasn't a good parent
You need to protect your son and that also means protecting him from the hurtful truth

WildStyle · 04/06/2015 20:57

Don't throw it away
Even if you know the absent father is feckless and doesn't care about your son you need to lie to your son and tell him that his daddy cared about him and loved him but wasn't a good parent
You need to protect your son and that also means protecting him from the hurtful truth

WildStyle · 04/06/2015 20:58

Posted too soon!

Completely agree with message above from 7amwake up

zoobaby · 04/06/2015 21:00

I'd give it to DS and not make a deal over the inscription... look what I just found in the back of the cupboard, here you go. If he reads it then you can have a discussion about the difference between actions and words.

Unless you think this would really upset your DS? In which case I'd wait til he's older and more able to rationalise his thoughts. Maybe you could laugh together about the absurdity of it?

Is it a book that would even appeal to 10 year olds?

1Morewineplease · 04/06/2015 21:06

Give it to him!... You fell out with your partner.. Your son didn't !

Charley50 · 04/06/2015 21:10

Maybe the inscription in the book would be a good opening for you to have some discussion with your DS about his dad and why he did what he did. It might comfort him to realise that his dad did intend to be there for him, even though the reality so far has turned out to be different.

Is there a reason he's an absent father? Eg drugs, alcohol, mental health problems, no father in his own life? Even if it's just because he's a dick maybe you could discuss with your son that his dad is damaged and that's why he is absent, to help your DS deal with feelings of rejection he has.

theroundball · 04/06/2015 21:11

I'd throw it. Why stir up distress, 'whys' and 'what ifs' for your son? Why give him false hope that his father cares? Why put yourself through that heartache and pain? It hurts when your child is reminded of his father's feckless behavior. I mean it really hurts.

Those of you who are saying that cakedup's being unreasonable - how many of you are lone parents whose ex has abandoned and rejected their children?

Justusemyname · 04/06/2015 21:14

A child doesn't need reminders to know his father was shit. But having something that he cared once could be a comfort.

7amWakeUp · 04/06/2015 21:19

Theroundball... I am not a lone parent who's child was rejected but I was a child who was rejected by my own father so i do speak from some experience even though I don't understand the mothers side

I understand that it must hurt the mother but it really really hurts the rejected kid and if they have a little piece of comfort in thinking the father did set out to love them then they should have it

When the boy grows into a man himself he'll work our for himself that his father was a dick but whilst approaching adolescence it is important to maintain his self worth

MirandaGoshawk · 04/06/2015 21:20

If you do chuck it, don't ever tell him that it once existed. I know this might seem obvious but my DM got rid of things my Gran had left without ever showing them to me, and then told me about them Shock

I'm torn - the book is only a "thing". I'm with the poster who said that it's you who have raised him, through thick & thin. But then it does say that his Dad once thought something of him... But it's for you to decide.

PeppermintCrayon · 04/06/2015 21:22

I think you should keep it and give it to him when he's an adult.