So fucking upset

[Noonegivesashit]

I've just told my DP its over. I'm packing my stuff and my DD's and we're going to stay at my mums.

He's never going to change, he's a selfish, arrogant, sexist pig who just wants a little woman who will say yes to everything, pander to his every whim and slave around him.

I'm sick of his family, dictating what I should and should not be doing, the sly digs, the nastiness, the fact that we live so close. I'm sick of the fact that I'm expected to drop everything to help him out but if I never get any help myself. I'm meant to be having a new fridge freezer delivered today (I've paid for it) and it's coming between 12-6pm but they will ring at least an hour before its dropped off so ideally I needed to be in the house from 11am until it arrives. I wanted to get the kitchen completely blitzed this morning and the old fridge moved so that we could get the new one in. DP comes in at 10 "can you do me two slices of toast a drink of juice and then we will go and do such an such," I was right in the middle of cleaning the cooker and asked if he could get his own toast and his own drink, he just ignored me and sat outside. Got his toast and drink and explained that I needed to get the kitchen cleaned and the fridge moved ready for when the new one arrives and that I wasn't going to go and help him because I didn't have time.

He stormed out of the house in a huff and went to go and do what ever it was he needed a hand with, I stupidly drove after him to go and help him and he's just said "that kitchen could have been cleaned three fucking days ago and you know it could, you spent all fucking day yesterday cleaning upstairs when you should've been doing the fucking kitchen and the living room that every one sees and walks past, get your fucking act together, it's an embarrassment." Do I really need to be spoken to like this??

I do everything for him, I hardly get anything done with DD (22 months) for obvious reasons and all he does is lounge about and expect me to do everything for him!

Your daughter still has a daddy, just one that has to be his own skivvy now

This

It is hard to see our children unhappy as we want them never to suffer anything, but you are saving her an awful lot of future heartbreak by getting out of this situation now.

Just adding my support. He is an arse. Both you and your daughter deserve better.

OP this is a tough time so be kind to yourself. Don't make any hasty decisions, just try to get some rest. You don't need to solve all your problems in the next day or so, just take it easy. Your DD will be 100% fine.

He doesn't sound like the best dad to his other children, he sounds like a weak man.

Start to believe in yourself. You are strong, you made a decision not to be treated like crap and you left. That took guts and you did it. You can cope without him, in fact it would be easier. You do not have to live with someone bullying and belittling you. Read the experiences of other MNs who were in dysfunctional relationships and got out. It is possible and you can do it.

Yes your dd loves her daddy. She stands a lot better chance of keeping on loving him if she doesn't grow up watching him treat her mummy (who she loves above all else) as a skivvy.

You are so right
Actions speak louder than words
Keep that in mind over the next few days. Keep on going. You are doing the right thing. He sounds completely and utterly self centred.

Well done OP. you've done the right thing for you and your DD.

Head for the hills op. And some food for thought on your dd...

My DM & DF had a horrendous marriage and were both very unhappy. Although we were not directly involved in the rows etc living in that atmosphere ruined my childhood. He did nothing to look after us kids and spoke to DM like she was dirt which my brothers and I found upsetting. I also lived in fear of him.

Years later I talked to my mum about it she was shocked 'but he never spoke/treated you like that' my reply I was a child I didn't know what the hell was going on? I was walking on eggshells thinking if I do something wrong he'll turn on me? She kept saying but he didn't treat you badly - she couldn't understand that even though he didn't I had to live with the constant threat, along with watching him destroy my mother.

Then she made the fateful statement 'I stayed with him for you kids' I could of cried because I spent most of my childhood wishing he was dead.

I know it's hard and all situations/people are different but you've got to do your best to give DD the most happy stable upbringing you can and that is not always how you think. She is very young now and although unsettled won't have to go through the pain of a split perhaps the way a teenager would.

All the best and stay strong.

Jammy, my parents made our lives hell with their constant battles. My mother said those fateful words to me as well. It took me and my siblings years to get over living with them. Maybe they geniunely didn't realise how badly living in such a hostile environment affects children. When my marriage turned sour relatively shortly after I got married I left specifically for my children's sake.

Well done OP

I'm going to look forward to reading another post from you in a year's time telling us all how bloody wonderful you feel now you're not weighed down by this utter cuntknuckle.

Fucking hell. LTB. Seriously (or even better kick him out).

Mumsnet is often not a great barometer for this sort of stuff. There are an awful lot of women on here who will tell other women to LTB if he's not a complete doormat who will support the entire family financially, do all the houseworks and feed their DWs peeled grapes on demand wearing only a leather thong. Even if they happen to demand this during working hours and expect them to drop everything to do it.

I'm normally the first person to say if a bloke is being given a hard time by a load of bitter old harridans who just hate men.

So believe me, I am absolutely sincere when I say leave this fucking wanker. He's a dickhead. It will do DD no good to grow up seeing her mother being treated like this.

LTB. He's think's you're a cook/cleaner/chef/waitress, not a DP.

Good luck OP. He sounds like a total, colossal bellend

Good luck. Stay strong - we are thinking of you.

Is this the fuckwit who only allowed Nutella glasses (the free little jars) to be used, not nice big tumblers?

You're doing brilliantly.

Well done OP. Stay strong and keep ignoring his messages. He just misses his slave.

So difficult right now. Thank you all for your support, silence Nutella jars don't ring any bells with me haha.

I'm finding it difficult not to cave in right now, I feel like such a mess. I'm so lucky to have great friends and family who are so supportive.

I too was brought up in a home with miserable fighting parents and my dad was so emotionally abusive to my mum it was horrific. It shaped me as a person and although I come across as very self/assured I have a lot of demons that I have to suppress. I genuinely feel pretty worthless a lot of the time. It is only since having my own kids have I began to realise I matter too.
You do not want your DS growing up in that. You do not want her in an environment where she is treated more badly than her HS.
You got out. Now stay out.

If you feel like caving in, just keep reminding yourself of the reasons why you left him. I hate to say this about anyone, but he is a class A fuckface, so you're better off out of the relationship and on your own with your DD.

He's acting like a child who hasn't got his way, so you have every right to treat him like one. Let him huff and sulk all he wants. You are allowed to tell him to wind his neck in and stop being a PITA.

Take EVERYTHING that you have paid for and is yours. He has no right to anything that belongs to you. He has no right to treat you like a bag of shit and then expect you to leave any of your stuff with him. It's yours, you take it. If he has nothing or very little, then that's his problem.

Just remember..........you aren't responsible for his welfare or happiness, only he is. Keep your chin up lass. You will get through this

OP you are a fucking saint. I really enjoy doing nice things for my DH. I enjoy making him breakfast, I enjoy doing treats like that for him. I'm just somebody who likes looking after people.

If I had asked him to make his own toast once because I was busy and he'd responded like that I would have gone all ISIS on his ass.

You are being remarkably restrained.

You are amazingly brave [cheers!] and giving your DD a strong and positive message - good for you!

Stick with it.

You are amazing!

Noone it has only been two days, there is no rush no matter what you decide. Give yourself a proper break from even thinking about what you are going to do. Ask him not to try and contact you for a week, if he has any respect for you or any intention of listening to you he will give you that. If he won't -well he isn't listening and never will.

Putting aside the more important fuckwittery going on, do people really say to their partners, 'can I have toast and juice' like they are in a cafe? A grown person who really thinks they can sit down in their own home and be waited on? It's different if someone offers to do it, but to actually ask like some fucking lord and master? I never cease to be amazed and disappointed when I hear stuff like this.

Op, you're doing great
Please remain stoic through all the pain. It will be worth it in the long run. You deserve so much more than him.

I had to laugh earlier, I remember over hearing a conversation between "D"P and DSD (5) a couple of weeks ago which went like this, "daddy, can DSM and DS go and live in another house so that I can live here all by myself with you, I don't want to DSM or DSD here ever again," "D"P replied, "I'd like that too sometimes"

I went round there yesterday to get some stuff, DSD's eyes lit up, "are you coming to cook some dinner and tidy up?" "No sweetheart! Daddy is going to have to learn how to do that now."

The living room was littered with pizza boxes, coke cans, beer cans, Chinese takeaway containers, washing up piled up in the sink. He's been wearing the same clothes since i left because he doesn't have a fucking clue how to work the washing machine, both him and DSD were bth filthy!! How ironic, this is the reality when you've placed the straw that broke the camel's back. You thought life would be easier without me, well it's not is it because I did EVERYTHING for you and your child!! I looked in the mirror the day before I left you and I didn't recognise myself, wtf has happened to me, WTF have you DONE to me!? I wear baggy, unflattering clothes, I haven't had a hair cut in almost a yer, I've put weight on, I'm unrecognisable from 5 years ago. You took my spark but fuck you, I'm going to get it back and you will rue the day that you ever took advantage, that you ever treated me as an underdog.

That's so sad. You have done the right thing and are being so strong. He is giving DSD a terrible message.

Is DSDs Mum around? I feel very sorry for her too is it possible for her to come and visit you occasionally for a proper meal? If her Mum isn't on the scene sadly it sounds possible he isn't up to being a single parent. If that's the case would you consider perhaps going for custody?