To only financially provide for my own children?

[tinyboxtim]

DH and I have been married for three years. Together we have eight (yes, eight) children. I have two (Ds11 and Dd9), he has three (SD10, SS9, Sd6) and together we have three (DTS2 and DD4mnths).

Our all entire relationship we have kept our finances completely separate. We do have a joint account that we each put our proportion of household bills and money for our childrens together needs in to. Besides that, I have always provided for my own children, and he has provided for his children/payed their child support. We live in the house that was gifted to myself and my first late husband. It has always worked well for us.

Because of our respective careers, the money my late husband left behind, and the amount that DH pays in cs, I have a lot more disposable cash than my husband. Because of this, my children have different lifestyle than my stepchildren.

Over the last couple of months, my eldest SD has been very resentful about this, making passive aggressive comments about how DD1 has something she doesn't have, etcetera.

WIBU to explain to her this weekend that we all have two parents in life that are responsible for providing for us, and just like how her dad, and to a much lesser expense, her mum (didn't say this) provide for her, I am responsible to provide for my children the best that I can? And to tell her that in the future she will need to bring it up with mum and dad if she wants something, not me, as, financially, she is not my responsibility?

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I quite agree with Peruvian. And that would be my issue if I was the SD in this case with my father.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I doubt very much the OP gets CB if she can afford private education.

[PtolemysNeedle]

Your DH should put away the money he would have spent on his older children's private education (if their mother had agreed) in savings. At least that way they will know that he is spending his money equally on all his children. And if your DH pays towards your younger children's extra curricular stuff, then he needs to ensure that he spends the same on extra curricular stuff for the older ones as well.

If he doesn't give equally to all of his biological children, he is unlikely to have a good relationship with his dc in years to come.

[DownWithThisTypeOfThing]

I don't know. Genuinely don't know.

But I've seen comments along the lines of "the money left by your first husband was for his children" - how does that work with the children you have jointly with DH2? They're not your first husband's children but are benefiting from the house he left behind.

[ElkTheory]

If I'm understanding correctly, your husband provides financially for all his children (from the previous marriage and your children together). Presumably this means he pays for half of everything that your three younger children have? And then he has some sort of arrangement whereby he provides financial support for the children from his first marriage? But he doesn't pay for anything for your older children?

It is very difficult for children to be in the position of visiting their father every other weekend and holidays. I would imagine they feel some confusion and even resentment that their siblings are living with their father full-time. If in addition to the lack of time with their father, they also feel that they are treated substantially differently from those siblings, it could make for some very unhappy children. In a situation like this I would do my best to minimise differences and treat them as fairly as possible (though again that wouldn't necessarily mean to treat them identically).

[Tanaqui]

Your late husbands money should only go to his biological dc and that should be clear to everyone, and easy to explain, though you may need to do it frequently.

However your new dh needs to provide for all his biological dc fairly and this may mean your new dc cannot have everything material their older half siblings (your other dc) have. But they have their dad.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Or he could say he'll pay for private 6th form for his SD or just senior school rather than 50% of private schooling from age 3. Even if she didn't take him up on the offer it may placate her and seems fair.

[tinyboxtim]

I don't get CB or any other benefits.

[evelynj]

I feel so sorry for your SC. have u spoken to your dh about all this? He really needs to address the issue. I just understand from their PoV that they probably come to your house & feel like the poor relation. Not fair when their siblings get loads of perks that they miss out on, I imagine that would cause a lot of resentment. I don't think I would be so practical about finances if I chose to marry someone with children, I'd hate to see my dc missing out but it's defo your dh job to sort out.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yanbu at all. As long as you treat them equally when they are with you. They are living with their mum most of the time, tgere is a difference in income which they will begin to learn about.

[PurpleDaisies]

Did you already have that conversation with your stepdaughter op? How did she take it?

[AlecTrevelyan006]

the thing that gets me is that you say 'I have a lot more disposable cash than my husband.' Well, I earn four times as much as my wife but we have exactly the same amount of disposable income. That's because we pool everything together and pay out everything together and whatever's left (which isn't usually a great deal) is shared between us.

I don't think you're ever going to have a contented and peaceful household until you address this issue - and the resentment is only likely to get worse when the kids become teenagers.

[MisForMumNotMaid]

There are then three groups of children yours with your previous husband, your step children, your children with your current husband.

Are there three sets of finances i.e. you have one pot you pay in full, one you don't contribute to and one you pay just half?

How do you balance treating all of your biological children the same as the financial situation for the younger ones is different to that of the elder? Are you using money from the original family pot to subsidise the new family members? So effectively the older ones do have a bit less anyway because more children came along.

I've got two children from my first marriage, XH left and has another child, i've remarried and have another child.

DH and I try to balance that the three children are treated equally. It is hard because the elder two have many more relatives so get more presents but have very little financial support for anything practical.

I think there are many right ways to parent and this is an emotional issue to work through. I get wanting to protect your finances. I think the discussion needs to be between you and you DH not you and any of the children. If you have decided that he does the parenting and finances for his biological children then he needs to take the lead on the green eyed monster issue.

As pp said some of my cousins had far more than me materially, i was jealous, we spent lots of time together. Being jelous is part of growing up/ life.

[DinosaursRoar]

This is hard, but I would say that your DSC do have an advantage over yours, they have both parents living. As I understand it, your DCs (that are not shared) are being privately educated with money left when their father died. At 10, I think your SD is old enough to have it explained to her that [insert name of your first DH] left money to be spent on his children, and while it looks like they are better off, it's come at the cost of losing a parent. But I think your DH2 needs to say this, he needs to explain how hard it was for your DCs to lose their Daddy, they have more money, but that his DCs are better off in many ways as they have 2 parents to care for them. If you are living in a house that is mortgage free due to yours/your DH's inheritances, your DSC do already have a better standard of living due to your inheritances than if their Dad had married someone who hadn't had this and had to pay housing costs.

thinking about it another way, I would not want my assets to be spent on DH's step children if anything happened to me, I would want my money to be used to set up my DCs, not someone else's. Given the complexity of inheritance from their dad, I think you are right to keep separate finances.

[RainbowFlutterby]

Is the money you have from your late husband being used for your children with your new DH? How is that different to using it for your SC?

[Sconejamcream]

I hope your house is protected for you and your own dc. As long as kids are treated fairly when together then fine. Your sd have a dad, your DC don't.

[worridmum]

but why doesnt your DH pay less than half for the children you had together to actully make it fairer for his older children otherwise you/ him will be creating a massive problem where they will not want anything to do with their dad because while you dont think its unfair.

It is deeply unfair for the older SC they only get to see their dad every other weekend they get far less time with their dad / they get far less material stuff from their dad then the others / they get alot less holidays from their dad. So basically they ARE SECOND CLASS children and their is no way of covering up that fact espically if you want to treat the joint children the same as the older ones of yours you will make a massive massive rift in the family which will end in massive resentment and if you DH was a decent father he would not actully want that to happen but hey ho let it keep going and they will wont less to do with there dad so you win anyhow

(if i remeber you last thread about not wanting your children to share bedrooms and to have the bigger rooms for them while all the step children share a tiny room as they have a second room at their mothers I apoligise if that wasnt your thread)

[MakeItRain]

I think while it all sounds 'fair enough' on paper, in reality it's a really upsetting and horrible experience for your step children to go through. They are just children, and they will see their father's other children and his step children being privately educated and receiving all sorts of presents that they cannot have. I can't help thinking that it will breed a huge amount of resentment and future problems. They will simply feel second best.

Personally I just wouldn't be able to see my children enjoying computers/ ds games etc while my step children looked on unhappily, no matter what the situation with my finances. How does your dh feel about it?

[HermioneWeasley]

I think the point about doing something for the SCs with the money he would have spent on 50% of school fees is a good one. Either put it in savings or as others have suggested pay for private 6th form or uni fees.

[The5DayChicken]

But the OP doesn't really treat them equally when the SCs are there. She goes out of her way to make sure she doesn't buy anything particularly expensive so that she doesn't have to spend anything on the SC, then normal service continues when the SC leave.

OP, do the children you and your DH had together get treated differently from your older children too? Your older DC's inheritance from their father doesn't belong to your younger DC's in much the same way as it doesn't belong to your SC.

[Mistigri]

I think it's a mistake to see this in purely material terms. Do neither you nor your OH put a value in your relationship with your step kids, and your biological children's relationship with their half siblings?

[Rudawakening]

I dont think YABU at all, but I do think the conversation should be beween your DH and his daughter.

In your position I would do the same and if the roles were reversed I'd want my life insurance/inheritance spent on my DC not some one else's.

Step families are hard to make work though, and I can see how a 10 year old thinks it's unfair.

[littleshorty]

If dh could afford half of private school fees out of his disposable surely he can afford a few ds games or whatever it is? How much stuff do these kids actually need? More money more problems comes to mind

[AlecTrevelyan006]

The OP has applied a lot of logic to her thoughts, but no emotion and no empathy.