To only financially provide for my own children?

[tinyboxtim]

DH and I have been married for three years. Together we have eight (yes, eight) children. I have two (Ds11 and Dd9), he has three (SD10, SS9, Sd6) and together we have three (DTS2 and DD4mnths).

Our all entire relationship we have kept our finances completely separate. We do have a joint account that we each put our proportion of household bills and money for our childrens together needs in to. Besides that, I have always provided for my own children, and he has provided for his children/payed their child support. We live in the house that was gifted to myself and my first late husband. It has always worked well for us.

Because of our respective careers, the money my late husband left behind, and the amount that DH pays in cs, I have a lot more disposable cash than my husband. Because of this, my children have different lifestyle than my stepchildren.

Over the last couple of months, my eldest SD has been very resentful about this, making passive aggressive comments about how DD1 has something she doesn't have, etcetera.

WIBU to explain to her this weekend that we all have two parents in life that are responsible for providing for us, and just like how her dad, and to a much lesser expense, her mum (didn't say this) provide for her, I am responsible to provide for my children the best that I can? And to tell her that in the future she will need to bring it up with mum and dad if she wants something, not me, as, financially, she is not my responsibility?

[fedupbutfine]

I subscribe strongly to the 'two sets of parents, two different sets of financial circumstances so deal with it' school of thought. However, I can see how it would be hard for your husband's children to see your joint children treated more favourably/have more/seemingly have more than they have because after all, they have the same father and he should be treating them fairly/equally.

I don't know how you overcome the issue because logically, it's not unreasonable to take the stance that you are taking. It's not something you should be discussing with your step children, however, leave it to their father. You perhaps need to accept at some level that the children will need to see more parity between the two families to avoid resentment and upset, particularly if your younger (joint) children end up in private school. I can only begin to imagine how that must feel for your step children.

Very difficult.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Have you posted before OP?, this scenario is ringing a bell.

[MadisonMontgomery]

Arrrrgh this is a tricky one - I think that as long as your DH treats all his children the same then that is fair. But, I think your late husbands money should only really be spent on his children, so if your children with current DH are benefiting then maybe you need to look again at how you divide things.

[babyiwantabump]

I agree with you OP I have a stepD and a DD from a previous relationship and then I have a DS with DP. My DD goes to private school StepD does not . DS will. I don't see why I should have to pay for step DD as DH couldn't afford to and neither could her mother .

I treat her fairly when she is here but her parents are financially responsible for her not me. I have my own children . I have worked hard to provide for them . If her parents want to provide for her they should bloody well sort it out and not expect it from me!

[defineme]

I think your dh needs to explain to his dd what the situation is. However, I feel desperately sorry for the girl and think itmust be absolutely shitty feeling like the poor relation when she is living with her father. I have always believed that when you have a life partner and coparent then money is shared. I think you could separate education out of that if a precedent was set before you got together, but general current material things like the ds should really be equal for all of the couple's children irrespective of biology. It would be different if you'd kept your families separate and not had further kids, but YOU chose to blend them...blending means just that,.i think otherwise you're setting up kids for a lifetime of issues and just not being kind.

[tinyboxtim]

Magrat I financially provide for my children by myself, besides the small spontaneous things at supermarkets/food courts when they are out with DH, that I also provide for my sc when they are with me. I provide all the large things.

[Corygal]

Have you ever read Cinderella?

I hope your poor DSD doesn't get a copy for her birthday. But I guess she knows the story pretty well already

[riverboat1]

God, it's a minefield.

I think the thing is, essentially YANBU in terms of the finances but I think it is U to expect a child to understand and accept that.

I don't think the conversation you are planning to have (or have already had?) would be a good idea. Maybe her dad could speak to her instead, but even so needs to think very sensitively about how to put things.

DP and his ex are planning to put DSS into private school next year. I know that if/when DP and I have a child, I/we won't be able to afford private school for it. But I can hardly object at this stage!

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Corygal that's a ridiculous statement.

[LazyLouLou]

In a blended family all the children should be treated equally.

When did that become a thing? I have cousins who grew up in very unequal circumstances. Their respective parents just explained the situation and reinforced it over the years. They (the cousins) harbour no ill will, they were brought up knowing that his mummy could not afford things his sister's mummy could and that she had grandparents who bought her all sorts of stuff (and they would never have imagined a need to buy for him, he was not related to them at all).


I doubt kids are as breakable as all that. It just takes a consistent, supportive message from all adults, doesn't it?

[tinyboxtim]

SanDiego Yes, not on here 24/7, but I get around.

[StonedGalah]

How do poster's who are saying the schooling is unfair think it should work? Should OP pay half and her DH pay the other half for the sc as their dm wont/cant

It sounds like a hard situation OP and shows that not all blended families work.

[LazyLouLou]

Corygal you need to re-read that fairytale. Cinders was the real heir, had her dad's money/estate stolen from her.... and she ended up with a prince.

You may have posted without thinking it through!

[tumbletumble]

I don't think it's your responsibility to pay for your DSC's school fees if their parents can't afford private school. Ditto things like music lessons (you mention extra curricular activities).

However, I would try to make sure they are treated similarly when it comes to day to day stuff like dolls, electronic gadgets, etc. If their Dad can't afford this, then either you need to pay for it or your DC will have to go without (and save the money towards, say, uni fees or a house deposit in the future).

[AuntyMag10]

Ignore Corygal op. You don't have to feel bad by using your children's inheritance on them and only them. Who would actually spend it on other children. Not everything in a blended family is equal and this is one case where Yanbu with how you have been managing things so far.

[The5DayChicken]

I think it's wrong that siblings aren't being treated equally. Presumably your DH makes some form of contribution towards his step children as they're living with you? That should go both ways.

And if you don't feel that it's your place to ensure they're treated equally, it's not your place to be having the conversation with her.

Though it makes me uncomfortable that posters like Nicki say they couldn't enter a relationship with a man with children for this very reason, I can respect them for it. It's the lesser evil. Better that than having children feel inferior to their siblings.

[NickiFury]

Cinderella?

[lunar1]

You are the one that doesn't even want to give your step children space in your home aren't you. I'm sorry but I think your dh has made a really bad
Move having children with you. They will forever be second best, they will always compare their life to that of your children and by the sounds of it come off second best. I really feel for them and think that if you tried to welcome them and treat them all the same you would have a much easier time in the future. I think a lot of resentment will build up and your dh is an idiot for letting it happen.

[littleshorty]

Agree with lazy. Gets even more complicated if there are other siblings in other houses. We could make things equal in our house and give ds and dss exactly the same but what about dss half brother? Do we provide swimming lessons and nike trainers for him too?
It's not equal, my ds has a mum and dad who work. Dss mum doesn't so she can't alas ford things for her ds that I can for mine

[HermioneWeasley]

Firstly, ignore the utterly inane comment about Cinderella, FFS.

It's really thought, but as long as your SC aren't going without fundamentals (food, a proper winter coat etc) then I think it's ok. Your SC will know other kids whose families are wealthier and probably some people not so well off - it's life.

As others have said, your Older DCs have lost their father - that's pretty bloody unfair. The SCs will inherit from their father at some point in the future whereas your kids won't.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I see why you're doing what you're doing OP but I do feel so sorry for your step-children.

I don't know just seems a bit unfair that he won't pay one full set of fees for his own DD but is going to cough up 50% of your now 3 joint children. But as everyone has said - it is more his issue than yours.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

OP I think it was your thread I posted on the other day and I'll ask the same thing now; when you and your DH decided to have further DCs together, did you not discuss the practical impact it would have on your family in terms of finances?

Ok, I accept that having planned one DC, you couldn't have anticipated DT's, but to have a further DC, in preference to closing the gap in the standard of living between your respective DCs must have been discussed, surely?

You post seems to imply this have only just occurred to you as an issue because your DSD has mentioned it - which suggests that you didn't really consider the impact of your joint DCs on either of your existing step-DCs.

[WhoNickedMyName]

YANBU. This is just 'one of those things' with blended families.