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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Formula against my wishes

127 replies

Efsmum1 · 30/05/2015 16:53

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation. My ex partner and I split when my baby was less than a week old. Now she's 6 weeks old and he's demanding he has her (on his own) for a full day. She's only ever been breastfed (which I'm very proud of) and has not been away from me for more than 2 hours. I've told him this isn't possible until she's older but now he's threatening that if I don't express (I don't have anywhere near enough milk to express for one feed never mind a full day) he will give her formula. Please help???

OP posts:

pointythings · 30/05/2015 22:02

But why not express or give formula in the day from six months?

But the OP's ex wants all day contact now. At 6 weeks old.

By 6 months both my DDs were in full time nursery and yes, I was expressing. I was lucky though - I had a double electric pump (expensive) and produced milk like Daisy the Cow (24 oz over 2 sessions). So it was easy for me. It isn't like that for everyone.

From 6 months I would not have a problem with all day contact, but that is not the situation the OP is dealing with.

Beatrixemerald · 30/05/2015 22:06

Luckily no family judge would rule in favour of your ex (I have checked with one) based on what you have said the law - quite rightly - would be entirely on your side.

BikeRunSki · 30/05/2015 22:07

Could your ex have access somewhere where you are nearby for feeding.

treeshine · 30/05/2015 22:08

Any decent Dad would never want to give a baby formula when the mum was willing to breastfeed. We all know breastfeeding is best for mum and baby! The WHO recommend breastfeeding for 6 months exclusively and then to at least 2 years once food is introduced.

Formula is sub optimal. It keeps babies alive and fed - but it is not the best option for them. Why would any Dad want to deprive their baby of the best start in life just for their own selfish gain. I would never let my children have any formula just so another adult could make selfish demands.

He needs to start paying for his child and he needs to organise access that fits around the baby's feeding schedule. My husband couldn't take my breastfed children our all day until they were older - that is how it is with breastfed children. If he had ever given my children formula I would have divorced him. Why does this twat think he should be any different from every other dad of a breastfed baby.

SisterMoonshine · 30/05/2015 22:14

The 6 months thing came up because it was questioned how long until the baby would be free to spend more time with the dad.
Once she can have a sandwich and a drink of water will make things easier.
For now though, he had to accept that the baby's not going off anywhere with him for hours at a time.

Justusemyname · 30/05/2015 22:17

My six month old was breastfed two hourly.....

Writerwannabe83 · 30/05/2015 22:18

at the thought of a 6 month old eating a sandwich

DisappointedOne · 30/05/2015 22:25

Too much moonshine isn't good for you.......

SisterMoonshine · 30/05/2015 22:26

I know. I said from sometime around 7 months myself, to give food a chance to become established.
I think people are just basically replying to those who said that she may chose to breast feed for a couple of years, that once the baby is on food then there will be hours freed up when the dad can have longer access.

ouryve · 30/05/2015 22:28

This thread would be almost entertaining if it wasn't about the needs of a tiny baby.

I had a 6 month old who stole my sandwich crusts, chewed them until they were soggy, then dumped them somewhere. The other boy didn't even look at food other than breastmilk until almost 9 months old. He also never, ever took to a bottle.

The reading comprehension is as poor as the understanding of infant nutrition, in some cases.

OP is not wanting to deny the father access. Merely to keep it to reasonable lengths of time, in accordance with the baby's needs.
Baby dad cares about his DD so much that he has paid the princely sum of nothing towards her upkeep.
And the reason this situation has arisen hasn't been mentioned, but safe to say they are not where they are now because everything was going swimmingly in their relationship.

DisappointedOne · 30/05/2015 22:30

I know. I said from sometime around 7 months myself, to give food a chance to become established.

Even at 7 months food won't be "established".

Schoolaroundthecorner · 30/05/2015 22:31

From 6 months babies are still mostly breastfed/formula fed and food is only a minor part of their diet fortunately.

SaucyJack · 30/05/2015 22:32

My DD3 was breastfed two-hourly until one.

Didn't mean she wasn't perfectly happy to be left with her dad and a bottle of Cow&Gate's finest on the odd occasion I went out.

First time was about 8 weeks old IIRC.

SurlyCue · 30/05/2015 22:36

Thats great for you saucy i'm glad your baby was happy with that. However your baby has no bearing at all on what OP's baby should be fed.

littlejohnnydory · 30/05/2015 22:37

I had a six month old that could eat a full sandwich writer! Had another that didn't eat much solid food til she was over one. They vary. It's beside the point, this baby is six weeks old!

SisterMoonshine · 30/05/2015 22:38

Yeah established isn't the right word. But you know what I mean.
Got used to? / comfortable with?

SisterMoonshine · 30/05/2015 22:43

Sorry OP this thread has become some sort of silly weaning argumement.
YANBU
Stick up for your DD and don't let him bully you.
Later, when she isn't so dependent on you is the time for him to have her for longer.

littlejohnnydory · 30/05/2015 22:43

Fortunately, have you ever breastfed a baby?

Why not express or give formula in the day from six months?

Because I don't want to give my baby formula
Because they probably wouldn't accept it if I tried.
Because expressing isn't easy for a lot of people. It would have taken me the six months to express enough for a day!
She probably wouldn't accept it if I tried.
They don't feed according to a routine, or time of day at that age. Their need varies depending on whether they have a cold, are having a growth spurt, need more comfort than usual for any reason. They are not toddlers who feed at set times.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/05/2015 00:13

It is my understanding that suggested contact arangements for tiny babies tend to be little and often and nearby the primary carer.

This tends to be regardless of how the babies are fed.

The op may not need legal advice in the urgent sense but sometimes a bit of free qualified advice from a respected source can be immensely helpful to reassure people

fortunately · 31/05/2015 08:19

OP is right, recommended visits for such a young baby are little and often. Unfortunately it means that usually the dad visits at the mums home for the first while, which can be very difficult if the parents don't get on.

Once you're at the age where lots of women go back to work,so 6 to 9 months, then a full day is more appropriate. After all, if babies of that age can manage with a child minder then they should be ok with their dad. If a child of this age won't take a bottle or formula then you just have to manage, in the same way you have to manage if you're going back to work.

My DS spent one day a week with dad from being 7 months. He never took a bottle or formula, ever. He just had to manage on food, water and then feeding once I was there.

Overnights is another question and I don't think that's appropriate until around 2 years old.

Inertia · 31/05/2015 11:21

Firstly you just say no to your ex-partner's demand. If he threatens you, contact the police.

Sylvanians gave excellent advice up thread about starting a paper trail and logging your concerns with your health visitor.

Also, start to pursue him for maintenance - paying it isn't optional.

NickyEds · 01/06/2015 13:24

Sorry you're going through this op. Your ex sounds like a bit of a dick. However he is the father of your baby and whilst his demand to have the baby for a full day at just 6 weeks is, frankly ridiculous, I wouldn't just go around telling him to fuck himself and find a judge. You're going to have to deal with being a parent with this person for the next 20 years (well, forever but YKWIM)and the more civil you can keep things the better.

Does he know anything about bf at all? To be fair, before I had ds my only point of reference was my sister and from 8 weeks she could easily express a full bottle in 10 minutes (imagine my surprise when I really couldn't). I don't think I ever really thought about how regularly young babies need feeding.

I would explain that a whole day is just impossible. Invite him to yours for access in shorted bursts. At that age dp would often take ds for a walk in the pram and easily be back for feeds- would that be possible? Are you going to try and get your baby to take a bottle if and when you're able to express?

Chelsea77 · 01/06/2015 14:54

There's two sides to a story and while a baby of that age shouldn't be away from their mum for long periods contact with their father is just as important and his side should be taken into account. There's alot of judgement and presumptions made in this thread. Breastfeeding is important and can be so difficult, however healthy relationships between child and both parents is also equally important. Compromise is probably a good place to start.

ollieplimsoles · 01/06/2015 15:27

He is being so, so selfish, its not in the best interest of his child at all to do this and its causing you stress you don't need right now.

If he really wanted whats best for her he would continue contact under your terms and wait til you can express comfortably. 6 weeks is way to young anyway.

and Peggy- your comment was pretty pointless and makes no sense. No one is denying him access to THEIR child.

Goldmandra · 01/06/2015 18:35

while a baby of that age shouldn't be away from their mum for long periods contact with their father is just as important

Those two things are not mutually exclusive, although the OP's ex seems to think they are. She is NBU to refuse to allow him to take her six week old baby out for a whole day and feed her formula.

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