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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Formula against my wishes

127 replies

Efsmum1 · 30/05/2015 16:53

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation. My ex partner and I split when my baby was less than a week old. Now she's 6 weeks old and he's demanding he has her (on his own) for a full day. She's only ever been breastfed (which I'm very proud of) and has not been away from me for more than 2 hours. I've told him this isn't possible until she's older but now he's threatening that if I don't express (I don't have anywhere near enough milk to express for one feed never mind a full day) he will give her formula. Please help???

OP posts:

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 30/05/2015 17:32

I would offer him access for an hour at a time, at a venue decided by you, two to three times a week.

He has time to bond with his dd without interrupting her feeding schedule, and as she gets older he can see her for longer.

He can't take her from you, and if he is suggesting he will harm her during his contact (feeding formula to an ebf baby is likely to make them very unwell as changing their milk upsets their stomachs) you are entitled to refuse contact and let him take you to court. As others have said, a court are unlikely to let an ebf baby be away from her mother for any length of time.

Hope you are OK op, this can't have been how you imagined things were going to be .

Skiptonlass · 30/05/2015 17:35

Have you explained to him that this would interfere with breastfeeding, and your milk supply? Since he's a grown man who doesn't appear to understand this, you may need to use blunt crayon and flash cards.

Basically, no. Let him take you to court. Make sure you have a record (email) where you calmly explain that your glad he wants contact, but that it's not as simple as you not breast feeding for a day. You're not able to express enough, your breast milk supply is not fully established, and even if was, it would be highly painful and possibly lead to come,I cations to not have the baby nursing for a whole day.

You need a calm paper trail, which shows you're being entirely reasonable and acting in the child's best interests.

Then let him take you to court. He will absolutely lose.

coconutpie · 30/05/2015 17:35

^ what Coffee said.

Skiptonlass · 30/05/2015 17:36

You're.

Bloody autocorrect.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 30/05/2015 17:36

He doesn't pay maintenance, what a prick. Does he come round to see her at all? He sounds like a bully.

mamababa · 30/05/2015 17:36

Are you married and is he named on the birth certificate? I agree with the others, I cannot imagine a court would separate any 6 week old baby from its mother for a day let alone a breastfed one. In any event, even if you could express that amount and wanted her to go for the whole day, it's not likely your baby will just happily take a bottle each feed. In my experience of my DC and friends breastfed DC getting ebf baby to take a bottle is a step by step process...

5YearsTime · 30/05/2015 17:37

What a cock.

To peggy you can't just express! FFS. My baby is 9 weeks old and I can express about 1oz in 20-30 mins then I get too sore and the flow slows a lot. A baby needs about 25oz over 24 hours IF they will take a bottle. Mum would also have to pump the whole time and risks mastitis too.

OP tell him to get a proper access sorted. His demands are not in the best interests of his child. for you. I'm absolutely raging for you!

SylvaniansAtEase · 30/05/2015 17:37

Not a chance in hell.

Email him (so you have proof in writing) telling him that although he is welcome to see the baby at your home, you will not agree to him taking her away from you at this early stage, especially as she is exclusively breastfed and cannot currently be separated from you for any significant length of time. To do so would be distressing for the baby and potentially harmful as early weeks feeding becomes established. You are also advised that this level of contact without separation from the mother is normal and follows acceptable guidelines.

Tell him that you have taken legal advice and this is your position, and you have no intention of discussing this with him further, so if he wishes to pursue this he needs to take legal advice himself.

Add that you are shocked and saddened that he has already threatened you with giving the baby formula against your wishes, and has been aggressive and threatening to you whilst demanding that you are separated from your newborn, and appears to be unable so far to act in the best interests of your baby. You are therefore only going to agree to him spending time with the baby in your home with another person present as you are worried that he will attempt to take the baby away from you.

Send him that, and if he waves it at a solicitor they will very quickly advise him to get a grip, understand that he has NO chance of having the baby without you present and certainly not for a full day for a VERY long time and if he persists in acting threateningly towards you, he won't even get that.

Don't for a MINUTE think he will get anywhere - your absolute best bet is that he DOES take legal advice, because he's on a hiding to nothing.

If this is the way he's behaving, take a hard line. Baby goes nowhere without you. Contact in your home with someone else there too. He's clearly not able (yet) to put the baby first and seems to see her as a possession. Until he snaps out of that, snarl back and make sure you make it clear that no, he will NOT be dictating how you mother your child for those vital early months.

SylvaniansAtEase · 30/05/2015 17:43

Oh, and go to your GP and HV and get it recorded that he's threatened you and about the formula. Get it all on record. It will help if he becomes an arse.

With the baby being so young, you can stop contact completely if you feel threatened - there is very little chance that he will get a sympathetic hearing. It won't harm their bond - right now, such a tiny baby only really needs to bond with one person while feeding and being outside of you is established. Contact time with him can come later if he's stupid enough to make it unsafe or stressful by harassing you.

Re contact, it's unlikely that he will if he goes to court get anything other than time with the baby in your home at first, followed by a few hours at a time when baby is bigger. Overnights not for the first year at least. And, as said, if you can prove threats, harassment etc. - then he's digging his own grave.

You don't need legal advice to send the email above really - just that you've taken advice - which you have - on here!

Good luck. Honestly, if he's being this much of a dick right now, you are right to keep him well away.

diddl · 30/05/2015 17:51

Isn't contact supposed to be about the rights of the baby/child and what is best for them??

RoLoh · 30/05/2015 17:55

This guy may well be an ass but I think we can all appreciate not fully understanding breast feeding until we've done it ourselves.

I'm sure for a man who hasn't been intimately involved in the first weeks of his baby's or the mother's life, he will have no idea about all the difficulties and complexities of feeding and therefore to him expressing or feeding formula seems like a reasonable solution.

Maybe if the OP can bear to spend some time with the father he might start to get an idea of what it's like?

P.s. Don't just assume your baby won't take a bottle - some will and some won't. Some babies are also fine being combination fed. Babies are funny like that. Each one is different

karbonfootprint · 30/05/2015 17:57

Can he come and see her in your place? A few hours with the two of you might give him a better understanding of the situation with breast feeding.

BathshebaDarkstone · 30/05/2015 18:00

Oh good grief, YANBU! I wouldn't have let my DC out of my sight at that age, and formula would be a definite no-no.

littlejohnnydory · 30/05/2015 18:09

Peggy, as others have said, you can't 'just express'! And a baby that age may not go an hour between feeds, Coffee. Most ebf babies feed on demand rather than on schedule.

OP, YANBU. Had a friend in a similar position and court put the baby first rather than the dad's wish for unsupervised access.

SaucyJack · 30/05/2015 18:13

There really is no need for some of the offensive language used on this thread about parent wanting to have a relationship with their own child.

Exclusive breastfeeding is not the be all and end all. Plenty of babies never have a single breastfeed, yet we dont call their mothers pricks, and threaten them with court action.

Get a sense of bloody perspective.

However, I do think a full day at a time is too much, too soon for a small baby. Better to agree a schedule with him that leads up to a reasonable amount of access for him at a slower pace so as not to distress the baby or cause feeding issues.

DisappointedOne · 30/05/2015 18:17

Just to point out that some people can "just express" - all of DD's milk for 8 months was expressed by me and I was able to get 8oz+ per side for quite some time. I did need her next to me for that though!

OP, there's not a court in the land would order him access on his terms. YANBU.

SorchaN · 30/05/2015 18:35

There really is no need for some of the offensive language used on this thread about parent wanting to have a relationship with their own child.

On the other hand, the parent in question has threatened to feed the child formula at the age of 6 weeks without the other (breastfeeding) parent's agreement. To me, that justifies the language. He's a prick.

coconutpie · 30/05/2015 18:39

Oh for goodness sake. I was wondering how long it would take for the "breastfeeding isn't the be all and end all" debate to appear. It is the MOTHER's choice how her baby is fed, nobody else can make that decision. If OP decides baby will be breastfed, that's it. For her ex then to threaten to feed baby formula against the OP's wishes does make him a selfish prick.

If OP decided formula was ok, then fine. But she has not and is EBF and NOBODY has the right to try and deliberately jeopardise that (which is what OP's ex is trying to do).

drudgetrudy · 30/05/2015 18:53

Say NO and let him take you to court if he argues. He will get nowhere.
Tell your Health Visitor what he's doing so its recorded.
If you feel safe allow him to see the baby with you present until she is older. Have someone else with you or near by. It sounds more as if he is being difficult rather than not understanding.

The baby's interests are the only consideration. Explain to him that he is unlikely to be able to have the baby alone until baby is about 10 months old.

gooeycookie · 30/05/2015 18:58

Sorry you're going through this OP, it's happening to my best friend at the moment too. Her ex thought she could magically express enough for a weekend ffs! He also sent her messages along the lines of 'you're using bf as an excuse to control contact' etc etc.
My friend has never ever denied him access and has been more than civil & accommodating to him, but nothing is ever enough.
She showed her threatening messages to her HV who then contacted SS. She was assigned a domestic violence police-officer and a social worker, who helped to draw up a contact order.
This can be signed by both parents and, although not legally binding, is a first step in establishing arranged contact. He refused to sign it, of course, but sticks to it for now.
Because he's still sending her threatening messages she could get a non-molestation order, which would restrict his access even more but he's too thick to realise this.
Coming from divorced parents myself I understand how important a father-figure is, but my friend's ex is a controlling bully. Sounds like yours could be too

pigsDOfly · 30/05/2015 19:02

Well yes, maybe he does want to have a relationship with his child, but in OP's situation I'd feel he was more sincere in that wish if he'd actually paid some maintenance over the last six weeks.

elderflowergin · 30/05/2015 19:04

Op, you don't need legal advice, you can just say no to him, it is your right as her parent. HE needs to get legal advice to apply to the courts for contact with dd unless you can come up with a mutually agreeable decision.

carabos · 30/05/2015 19:20

He doesn't live with you, he won't doesn't pay maintenance and he thinks a court will give him a six week old bf baby to play with as and when he feels like it. Good luck with that!

Do absolutely nothing. Nothing will happen.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/05/2015 19:33

The op can get free telephone legal advice from the children's legal centre

www.childrenslegalcentre.com

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 30/05/2015 19:41

You don't need legal advice unless you think he would try to kidnap her. Just say no, offer reasonable contact and if he wants to challenge you he can get legal advice.

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