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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Formula against my wishes

127 replies

Efsmum1 · 30/05/2015 16:53

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation. My ex partner and I split when my baby was less than a week old. Now she's 6 weeks old and he's demanding he has her (on his own) for a full day. She's only ever been breastfed (which I'm very proud of) and has not been away from me for more than 2 hours. I've told him this isn't possible until she's older but now he's threatening that if I don't express (I don't have anywhere near enough milk to express for one feed never mind a full day) he will give her formula. Please help???

OP posts:

flamingoland · 30/05/2015 19:47

The baby is 50% your ex-partners as well as yours (no matter how much of a d*ck he may be/ have been). Sorry but unless he is abusive etc, I don't understand why breastfeeding takes priority over the baby's relationship with the father. The latter if denied will have far more detrimental impact on the child's future than stopping breastfeeding.

DisappointedOne · 30/05/2015 19:49

At 6 weeks the baby can live perfectly well without dad.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 30/05/2015 19:49

The father can happily have a relationship with the baby, he can visit daily for a couple of hours if he wants. A whole day away from mum and breastmilk for a 6 week old breastfed baby isn't child focused contact it's dad focused contact.

DisappointedOne · 30/05/2015 19:51

My BIL's ex agreed to let BIL have contact once baby was 8 months old. He was still breastfed, but she'd send him for overnight contact without any expressed milk and banned the use of formula. Still not sure what she thought he should feed him!

flamingoland · 30/05/2015 19:52

I know at 6 weeks my daughter loved her dad. Are you suggesting that babies don't need their fathers until a certain age?

coconutpie · 30/05/2015 19:57

You have got to be kidding me, flamingo. What a load of nonsense. Breastmilk is far more important to the baby than getting separated from her mother and only source of nutrition for a full day. A 6 week old does not need to be separated from their mother. The father will have to just manage with short visits for now as it is in the CHILD's best interest.

WellErrr · 30/05/2015 20:02

Selfish prick.

DisappointedOne · 30/05/2015 20:12

I know at 6 weeks my daughter loved her dad. Are you suggesting that babies don't need their fathers until a certain age?

Erm, nope. My husband was working away from home when DD was 6 weeks old and was home for less than 48 hours a week. She didn't need constant contact throughout the day to form a strong bond with him.

At 6 weeks they're mostly asleep all day anyway!

glenthebattleostrich · 30/05/2015 20:13

Of course breastfeeding is more important at this age. A change in milk could make the baby ill, even supposing baby will accept a bottle. We tried to introduce a bottle from 4 weeks old with no success. DD never accepted bottles.

And please don't bother with they will eventually, because some won't and at 6 weeks old I'd be damned if its in baby's best interests to try.

It is in baby's best interest to have access to the milk they are used to and short frequent visits with dad.

namechangefortoday543 · 30/05/2015 20:14

If my husband had threatened to feed my DC formula against my wishes I would have divorced him on the spot .
Do not listen to his threats.

flamingoland · 30/05/2015 20:27

Disagree entirely. To be honest if he was my ex then he would not be spending 2 hours at my house each day either. I'm not saying that stopping breastfeeding is ideal at all, but neither is a separated family and sometimes hard choices and compromises have to be made as a result. Being a single mother, I know how bloody hard these things are sometimes. I also know that a healthy relationship with both parents is far more important to children than how they were fed as a baby.

DisappointedOne · 30/05/2015 20:34

But there's no reason that relationship should require extended periods away from mum at this age.

SurlyCue · 30/05/2015 20:41

I don't understand why breastfeeding takes priority over the baby's relationship with the father.

Its entirely possible for father to form a relationship with the baby in the presence of the mother in short bursts of contact. He does not need an entire day alone with the baby in order to bond. Perspective.

flamingoland · 30/05/2015 20:41

To me the best thing to do would be to sit down with him and give him a timeline of sorts. in his shoes I would want to know when you are roughly planning to not breastfeed anymore, how old she will be when she can stop over at his property, and what will be happening regarding contact now. Again not ideal, but in his eyes this may be ongoing for potentially a very long time and could be perceived as an opportunity (by him) for you to potentially prevent access for years. This can also be your chance to discuss maintenance etc- get him to write down and sign any agreements he may make. Give and take and being open will help.

Cherryblossomsinspring · 30/05/2015 20:42

Lovely advice from all those saying to tell this dad (who obviously is concerned he's not getting enough access, however misguided his current stance on baby's feeding needs is) to fuck off. It would be in the best interests of this OP and more importantly this child, that she doesn't tell this man who is looking at a lifetime of shakey ground for access and a relationship with his daughter to fuck off.

OP try to understand that he is a father who will not be able to be a father how he likely imagined but firmly explain to him that you want to breastfeed and he can't take her for lengths of time for another few months. I think you need to come to an agreement on when you will breastfeed until and be fair to balance your wish to breastfeed with your child's right to quality time with her father and his right to time with his child in his own setting.

That's my advice anyhow.

Catsize · 30/05/2015 20:42

He's threatening that if you don't express he'll give her formula?
Is he intending on taking her regardless?
I would tell him you are not expressing against your will to suit his desire to use his baby like some new accessory. It is a baby, not a new phone.

glenthebattleostrich · 30/05/2015 20:43

Compromises have to be made by both parents flamingo. From what the OP has said the father is issuing threats and demands not initiating discussions and negotiations.

Personally anyone threatening a woman who gave birth 6 weeks ago doesn't deserve compromise and comes across as the type who needs a swift, firm response. The OP has to deal with him for the child's childhood so needs to set boundaries now.

Catsize · 30/05/2015 20:45

I think you need to come to an agreement on when you will breastfeed until
Cherry, I couldn't have known this with either of mine.
It is admirable he wants contact, it is not admirable he hasn't paid a bean towards his daughter.

flamingoland · 30/05/2015 20:46

Cherryblossominspring you have summarised everything I think in a much more eloquent manner! Thank you ?? Catsize, all dads taking out their new babies and supposedly adoptive parents are using them as accessories at 6 weeks then yes?

SurlyCue · 30/05/2015 20:51

in his shoes I would want to know when you are roughly planning to not breastfeed anymore,

Eh no! The plan should be how to facilitate contact around the child's routine (which will change as she grows) it shouldnt be for OP to commit to some unneccesary timesale for stopping breastfeeding! I fed my DS til he was 2.

7amWakeUp · 30/05/2015 20:51

Was it really a threat or was it a suggestion that he formula feed her if you won't express?

Can't believe the responses on here about a father wanting access and not understanding breastfeeding, not crime of the century

flamingoland · 30/05/2015 20:52

He will be being demanding and stupid because he probably feels quite powerless and unable to communicate with the child's mother at the moment. If they sit down and discuss a plan then he will probably behave differently- especially if he can see an eventual agreement on quality access. I wouldn't behave nicely if I were denied quality and solo access to my newborn either, especially if it was for an indeterminable period. If he does not behave nicely after discussion, the courts should decide the boundaries and I hope they work in the OP's favour.

Catsize · 30/05/2015 21:01

Erm, no flamingo, where did you get that from?
I am basing my comment on a new father issuing demands to a new mother, where he hasn't cared so much as to buy the child a nappy.
We do not know the reason for the split, but there is some access.
The downside of any split where there is a breastfed baby is that there can be no exclusive access day trips.
This particular father, not all, appears to be putting his own desires before the needs of his baby and thereby causing additional stress to the baby's mother.

flamingoland · 30/05/2015 21:10

Yes that action is wrong- but it is typical and silly "bat home" behaviour as a result in his eyes of feeling; incorrectly most probably; unfairly excluded. This is why I think it must come down to sitting and being open with each other. I would get a trusted (not gobby) friend or family member to silently sit in the meeting. Posters advice of "tell him to get fucked" will only inflame a bad situation and impact on the baby. The father does need a timeline.

SaucyJack · 30/05/2015 21:10

That woman in the DM is still feeding her daughter at six SurlyCue..... Breastfeeding is not a valid reason to block contact indefinitely.

OP you've been given some stupendously bad advice her. Your wants are not the most important thing, and you do not have the legal or moral right to refuse access.

The only thing that matters is your daughter, and in the long term her needs will be best met by you and your ex working towards a decent co-parenting relationship that suits all of you.

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