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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Formula against my wishes

127 replies

Efsmum1 · 30/05/2015 16:53

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation. My ex partner and I split when my baby was less than a week old. Now she's 6 weeks old and he's demanding he has her (on his own) for a full day. She's only ever been breastfed (which I'm very proud of) and has not been away from me for more than 2 hours. I've told him this isn't possible until she's older but now he's threatening that if I don't express (I don't have anywhere near enough milk to express for one feed never mind a full day) he will give her formula. Please help???

OP posts:

flamingoland · 30/05/2015 21:12

should have written "probably" in first sentence. If after a meeting he is being an idiot, then yes he is everything that he has been called here and deserves to be spoken to through the courts.

DisappointedOne · 30/05/2015 21:12

The DM child is 5 and doesn't breastfeed like a newborn. Not sure why you're throwing her into the discussion!

Alanna1 · 30/05/2015 21:15

I'd (in writing) offer him regular reasonable contact with you o whatever pattern would suit you, but say that he can't have lengthy contact which involves feeding your baby until you are able to express enough milk. I would say that you are trying to express but don't have enough yet.

mrstweefromtweesville · 30/05/2015 21:20

Whilst you are breastfeeding, you do have the moral right to refuse access - whole days are out of the question.
Your baby is not a toy or a possession, she's a person. He doesn't understand that.
Fight for her. You know what's right. Do it and don't be put off.
Let him visit her, for an hour at a time, at your house. And be there so that you can feed her as necessary.
Put nothing in writing unless/until you've found a sympathetic solicitor.

SisterMoonshine · 30/05/2015 21:28

regardless of how long you want to breastfeed for, from sometime around 7 months she'll be able to have meals and water, and possibly cows milk alongside the breastfeeding. So that will free things up a lot.

pointythings · 30/05/2015 21:29

Big difference between 6 weeks and 5 years - that straw man is well and truly on fire. And to those posters who are saying BF should not matter - the courts think that in the early weeks and months, it very much does. It's a health issue for the child, and the child's health has to come first. The OP is not refusing access, she is unwilling to allow all day access. Two completely different things.

SurlyCue · 30/05/2015 21:29

That woman in the DM is still feeding her daughter at six SurlyCue..... Breastfeeding is not a valid reason to block contact indefinitely.

Can you quote anything at all where i suggested it was? I think you'll struggle tbh. You will see that i said a plan should be made to facilitate contact that works around the baby's routine. To be clear- this means i am supporting contact being facilitated

Writerwannabe83 · 30/05/2015 21:30

Let him move in for 48 hours so he can see the reality of breast feeding a 6 week old. My baby was probably attached to me for about 14 hours a day at that age so if your experience is anything like that he might realise that your DD needs to be with you, not him.

SurlyCue · 30/05/2015 21:34

OP the first thing i would donis speak to someone like la leche league or similar, explain your situation and get advice on what is best for baby with regards to routine, expressing, time away from mum, changes in feeding, timeline etc. even better if they could email you their advice so you have it in writing should you need to go to court.

fortunately · 30/05/2015 21:39

Well formula isn't poison so I wouldn't get too hung up on that. He's not threatening to inject the baby with crack or anything.

Saying that, a whole day is a long time at this age and he'd be better to do little and often visit-wise.

He sounds like a bit of an awkward prick so I'd be telling him to jog on, frankly,

DisappointedOne · 30/05/2015 21:41

Wtf? Breastfed babies should never be given water, and no baby should be given cow's milk till they are over 12 months. Until that point food is also for fun, not sustainable.

SisterMoonshine · 30/05/2015 21:43

Oh yes, sorry, the cow's milk is just in food and cereals etc at that age.

Starlightbright1 · 30/05/2015 21:43

OP... Like some on here clearly have no idea breastfeeding...Your childs father may be equally as clueless.

I breastfed for 2 years at 6 weeks I never imagined for that moment I would BF for that long but a few things influenced that.. A couple of tummy bugs where I saw docs physically relax when they knew he was bf and also as he had an intolerance to formula I was advised to BF till he was one. He also did take a bottle of expressed milk for about a month then refused for ever more.

Your milk is still been established. What contact does he currently have...Also if no signs of maintenance contact CMS... It does not get backdated if you open a claim later.

He sounds a real charmer not sure where people think he is trying to be a great dad.

fortunately · 30/05/2015 21:44

Breastfeeding isn't a reason to deny or limit contact with the NRP. From any age, it is something to be worked around, not a reason to say "no".

From 6 months it's academic anyway. Most babies will be on morning and night feeds by then, so no problem with access during the day. If it's a problem, then express. If you can't express, formula feed.

Easy.

SurlyCue · 30/05/2015 21:47

Umm 6 months is the point where other foods start being introduced. There is no way a 6 month old should just be on morning and evening feeds of milk!

fortunately · 30/05/2015 21:49

But a six month can easily have an expressed bottle or a bottle of formula once or twice during the day.

It's not like they're on two hourly feeds at that point.

pointythings · 30/05/2015 21:52

ROFL laughing at the idea of a 6mo baby only having two milk feeds a day...

Milk should be the majority of their food until they are about a year. So not easy at all.

willbillycome · 30/05/2015 21:53

OP- sorry about the breakdown of your relationship, I'd guess this is not how you imagined the first few weeks with your dd would be. Well done on the breastfeeding this far, especially without the support of your exP I hope you do have others around helping you.

Im not disagreeing with pp re getting legal advice and having a paper trail, but hope you could maybe work situation out more amicably. How has his contact with dd worked until now? Have you asked him why he is unhappy with the current arrangements. My dh used to get annoyed with me 'hovering' around him and our dc when they were tiny, which I just couldn't help I wanted to be around them all the time-but if his issue is similar to that then maybe you could agree for you to catch up on much needed zzzz whilst he is in house, then you're on hand for breastfeeding and he gets some 'independent' time with dd. Or if he does just want to take her out to show her off (which is natural I think and not treating them as an accessory, he is just proud of what you and he made) then could you go with them when you feel up to it, maybe taking some friends so you're doing something else but again on hand when boob is needed?

Also, im just speaking from my experience I know all babies are different, I thought formula was the enemy but on the few occasions my dh had to feed dd formula it did not badly effect her, and gave me the chance to express extra stock, so in the end it wasn't all that bad. Admittedly, then ds came along and even at 10months is still offended by just the taste of formula so your dd may not even take it if offered.

Sorry I've waffled on. I hope you get it sorted as easily as you can. And another big woop for getting this far with the breastfeeding!

fortunately · 30/05/2015 21:54

But why not express or give formula in the day from six months?

SurlyCue · 30/05/2015 21:54

But a six month can easily have an expressed bottle or a bottle of formula once or twice during the day.

Some will. Some wont.

It's not like they're on two hourly feeds at that point.

No, nor are they just on morning and evening feeds which is what you said. Milk is absolutely still their food source at 6 months, anything else they are having is "bonus" food and not at all enough to replace any bottles.

pointythings · 30/05/2015 21:55

And among my (large) group of friends who all BF - there was only one who would accept formula at 6 months. It's easy if you start FF, not so easy if you introduce it later when the baby is used to the taste of breast milk.

There is no good reason for the OP's ex to want all day contact so early except to spite the OP. Contact and bonding can be managed in other ways. The fact that he wants all day speaks volumes about him.

SurlyCue · 30/05/2015 21:55

Or breastfeeds for that matter.

adle77 · 30/05/2015 21:57

I had this same issue. My dds dad use to visit her at my house every few days for an hour. He did this until she was approx 9 months old then he began to take her out.
I tried expressing but I got a minimal amount for a huge amount of effort so didn't continue with this.
Overnight stays didn't start til she was almost 2. We took it slowly and tho we've had disagreements we've worked thru it.

My best advice is to go to mediation, I cannot recommend it strongly enough. We both saw our common goal was our daughters happiness and he felt better seeing a timeline of increased contact.

My dd is almost 3 and she loves her daddy very much, my choice to ebf her until weaning did not affect her bond with him at all.

Good luck op.

Writerwannabe83 · 30/05/2015 21:59

My BF baby was still feeding about 7-8 times in a 24 hour period when he was six months. It wasn't until he was 9-10 months that he was established enough on solids to allow for just a morning and bedtime feed.

Also, BF babies do not suddenly start drinking from bottles - the suggestion that it's 'that simple' is laughable. Despite trying from as early as 4 months old my baby never took a bottle - he absolutely refused to drink from it. TBF he probably had no idea at all what the teat/bottle was, let alone know it was a method getting milk. He'd look at me, with the teat in his mouth and his expression was, "WTF is this in my mouth?!" He didn't even attempt to suck.

littlejohnnydory · 30/05/2015 21:59

Disappointed,

exclusively breastfed babies should not be given water. Of course a baby who has started weaning can drink water with food!

Cow's milk is ok in small quantities from six months, just not as a main source of nutrition - a baby still needs breastmilk or formula for that.

"Food is for fun til the age of one" is the BLW mantra. We don't know how op plans on weaning baby, she probably doesn't know herself yet! Babies vary enormously in how quickly they take to solids and how much they eat.

This baby is six weeks old. OP's milk supply is only just regulating. Those saying she isn't allowing baby a relationship with her father - bollocks. My baby is six months old and dh lives in the same house but has yet to take her out without me. He will have a great relationship with her - as he does with her three older siblings, who didn't go out alone with him as small babies either. It's got nothing to do with preventing the dad from bonding and everything to do with the fact that it is not physically possible to leave a tiny ebf baby unless you can express (and the amount you can express has little to do with milk supply).

It's not helpful to suggest that dad can't look after baby alone for the duration of breastfeeding though. An older baby who takes solids can be left for a day, as many mums do when they return to work. A night weaned older baby or young toddler can stay overnight. A breastfeeding toddler can be left for a couple of days without adversely affecting milk supply.

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