about PIL coming to house when no one is here

[Anydrinkwilldo]

Can't figure out if I am BU, if it's pregnancy hormones or what. I have been signed off work for 2 weeks so been home FT but this morning I had hospital appointment. Got message from MIL (as I do every morning) to ask if I needed anything today from shop etc. I replied no thanks have hospital this morning so not home. When I did get home I saw that 'someone' has been at front rockery and put pots of plants around front of house. I'm fuming that they have come down to our house without either my permission or dh permission and done whatever they wanted to our property. I don't go to their house and start doing what I want to their garden etc. But I'm not sure if I'm over thinking it and should I just let it go.

Not wanting to drip feed they have form for doing this, waiting until there is no one here to come down and clean our windows/paint windowsills and doors etc. I know I sound so ungrateful if they had just text to say they were here I would be fine but I find it so rude to just go to someone else's house and do things. AIBU?

brock my mil does the same. It really got my back up when she read our valentines cards they were left upstairs before I went NC. Your also absolutly right about the over investment in her children's lives and not getting back in return. That's exactly mil too.

Weird

My mil removed all my cards to my dh over the years together from his bedroom, he had them all in a draw and she took them. We only found out when she cried on our wedding day and told dh about a 'memory box' she has for him with all my cards to him inside.
Dh was annoyed she took them all and asked for them back and she said no...

SPD or not, why can't her DH do the shopping? I had horrendous hyperemesis with both pregnancies, no one came and did our shopping or gardening. We muddled through and got on with it. Reminds me very much of SIL situation. They live next door to parents who are constantly in and out. It drives her mad but she's scared of speaking up...she's 47! FIL is seen very much as the patriarch and SIL and DH as the children that have never grown up. FIL has a 'dads taxi' sticker in his car window. It's laughable.

I honestly think it's going to take going batshit crazy on them is the only way to stop them. Dh does the nicey nicely way

well it's your own fault for enabling them to behave this way with you - you already know they deliberately ignore your wishes. so go batshit crazy at them. tell them very loudly and firmly 'NO', no more 'help' and no more unannounced sneaky trespassing on your property. you already know they're controlling people but you haven't done anything to set clear and firm boundaries with them.

you need to get tough with them and you need to do it NOW. i wouldn't be leaving it to your husband to tell them either considering he likes to do it the 'nicey nicey way'.

ollie

I think some people have taken the OP wrong here. She isn't MIL bashing or claiming to hate her MIL. She asked was she unreasonable to dislike people doesn't actually matter that they are her inlaws coming to get house to do things whilst she isn't there.
How can that possibly be unreasonable? A person's home is their personal, private space. It isn't for anyone else to decide how it should look, be cleaned or be stocked food wise. The inlaws in this case are misguided, whether they are being kind or malicious is almost irrelevant because what they are doing is unsolicited. I think the way forward would be to ask "did you change the garden? You should have spoken to us first. We hate that you've wasted your time and effort doing something unnecessary. If you'd like to help is out there are things you could do though. How about x,y or z"
I'm my opinion it's non confrontational, shows you'd appreciate their help and offers a constructive way forward.
Good luck OP. Hope you can get things straightened out in a way that doesn't rock the boat.

Wow ollie

Controversial gross generalization coming up, but I have found that it is generally mothers (rarely fathers) who continue to call their grown, married, parents-themselves children their "babies" who tend to behave this way.

It belies a singular attitude to being a parent: that the family unit defines you.

There are parents who believe they have children, raise them, send them off into the world and get on with their lives (obviously not ignoring their children, but just getting on with things). The "young children" part of their lives was a relatively brief 20 year-long phase.

Then there are parents who have children....and that's it. That's all there is. Their identity is absolutely wrapped up in their parent-ness, they see the whole world through the prism of their mother/wife-hood.

I've noticed that this is where what we see as entitlement comes from. They don't feel entitled as such - this is just their life. Take it away and there's nothing left.

Spot on brock

I used to feel sorry for my mil and encourage DP to make an effort with her.

When FIL & MIL got devorced her world Imploaded and she really struggled with having no 'role' (even though she did)

I don't think she felt needed/important any more and she really struggled with it .

That's where my mil went a bit weird in treating DP like a substitute boyfriend/husband. At one point she asked who had the slimiest legs herself or me .... But that's a whole other thread!

"At one point she asked who had the slimiest legs herself or me .... But that's a whole other thread!"

Thread! Thread! Thread!

Coo I'm collecting quite a fan club on here! And do feel free to ignore me as someone has said - whatchacallit (or something similar) and she has helpfully told the OP exactly what say to the PILs.....but also said "feel free to tone it down........" woohoo that's decent of her. I can honestly say I have never seen on any other thread other than MIL threads, posters quoting verbatim what they should say to the MIL/PILs. It's so de-meaning - treating these people like they/re children "sitting them down and saying......" that's how you might talk about telling a child off.........and the OP talks of them coming without permission - again not a term we'd use about any other relative/friend.

Brock how do you know MIL wasn't looking for something, cotton wool, cream, scissors or something else you might keep in the bathroom. As for the other "transgression" about her reading cards - everyone in my family does this, especially when they are show (my DILs do it too - so it must be ok cus they're not MILs!) you say they were "lying around" - so yes of course it's ok to look at them and who they're from - this isn't "reading someone else's mail........" I don't understand why your messages to BIL and SIL had to stop in case she read them? she wouldn't dare do it in front of me - says it all really. You're talking about an adult here not a child.

Oow and sugarontop is another one telling you OP what to say and demands that you do it NOW. So get cracking on that........you've been told. And shall I tell you why DH does it the "nicey nicey" way because she's his mom who brought him up and if he is a DearH it's thanks to her and his dad because our childhood upbringing is the single most important factor in the sorts of adults we become. Not sure whose DH is being "nicey nicey" but that doesn't really matter. AND you moms of sons, the years go fast you know and you might one day want your son to tell you something in a nicey nicey way.

Oh and more words of wisdom from Brock and what you say may well have some validity but when you talk of parents still calling their adult children "babies" (I've never actually heard anyone do this but...) I am assuming you are thinking primarily of mother and son. We often hear phrases about "cutting the apron strings" between mother and son, but I never hear this on MIL threads about a daughter needing to "cut the apron strings" - indeed it is wholly accepted that a woman can be close to her mother and it just maybe that she will not want to upset her mother either. YES I know there are hundreds of women who have difficult r/ships with their mothers but I don't tend to go on those threads e.g. "But we took you to stately homes." And again we see your perception as the controlling force expressed as if I wanted to I could and would stop it - "she knows she's in the wrong" --- well you could always use the advice from others about what the OP should say to MIL and your bathroom cupboard would remain free from disturbance!

I do wonder what sort of relationship all these wicked MILs have with your children, their grandchildren. This is a very important relationship and children have a right to have a good relationship with their grandparents and all their extended family. No one talks about how they are as grandparents?

OP I think you asked me if I would mind someone coming into my garden when I wasn't there or the house - well obviously not just "anyone" - but people I trust of course and especially if they were going to clean windows - and your did say "If I ask her if she'd like to come and help clean the windows one Saturday, she takes this to mean she can come once a month to clean them............" YES! No problem! Do you actually like cleaning windows? I hate it.

Rosie I like your balanced post but I don't share your views about the OP and surely any DIL who posts on AIBU about a MIL will absolutely know that she is going to be told NO, no and no again and that DILs will pile in to tell her how to deal with the MIL and then people will add their MIL's transgressions, just as they have on this thread.

It's all so predictable.

Slimiest? Are you aliens?

diddle that lady is batshit. I don't know what was worse - mil smoothing down her Jean leg (knee slightly lifted) so DP could have a proper look or DP looking like a rabbit in head lights and actually fucking answering! 'Twas a bit disturbing. The first thing she said when I first met her was 'so what does DP say about me?' He actually had said very little. So I lied

See diddl has proved my point - she wants a thread on Tequila's MIL who went "weird" after her DH died. Could she have been experiencing a complicated grieving process, where she was thinking of her son as she might her DH. I know a woman who did this to her son after the death of her husband but fortunately she had a compassionate son and DIL and they gently dissuaded her over time, and she made a good recovery.

But here we are with women wanting to gloat over someone else's emotional distress. Shame on you diddl

Wooaah nana FIL is alive and well and clogging my shed up with shit. although he does look like a corpse when he falls asleep after Sunday dinner

Go back and re- read my post

Oh Tequila's mom is batshit - silly me. I should have realised. Was she batshit before her she imploded following the breakdown of the marriage - and Yes before anyone points it out I said T's MIL's DH died, rather than the marriage broke down. But grief can be complicated and take a bizarre path after any bereavement (doesn't have to be a death - can happen with any kind of loss)

X posted there Tequila - god you have to be quick off the mark here, and you'll get old one day and might look similar after Sunday dinner

nana yes she was/is. She bullied SIL for 18 years which played a huge factor in SILs devorce to BIL.

I think you owe diddle an apology TBF as you jumped on her through your own mistake. Maybe your not this pleasent mil after all by the way your carrying on this thread...

And im talking about MIL why are you so confused ? Have you been on the sherry?

NanaNina I think your boundaries are very different from mine - I wouldn't go rummaging for cotton wool in my parents' or PILs' house without asking first, even though I've lived there. I would therefore expect them to extend the same courtesy to me.

When PIL are expected at ours or vice versa the door will be left unlocked, but we all still knock and call out when we arrive. And that's despite the boundary issues I described upthread.

OP doesn't come from the kind of wider family where you're in and out of each other's houses, and that's totally fine. If her PIL have been told as much and still invade her privacy (and her garden is part of her private space) then that is not cool.

"OK confession time.........I come on these MIL threads to show a different perspective, because I notice that almost always on the AIBU MIL threads, so many DILs pile in to assure the OP she is NBU and go on to tell her what to say to the MIL in question, often very rude and inflammatory comments and treating this woman like she's a child, which I find particularly unpleasant. I do wonder if these DILs are ones having problems with their own MILs - but who knows. We are but anonymous people tapping away on a laptop (in my case, cus I'm too old for a smart phone or tablet)"

Well that's not at all helpful or clever of you Nana. If someone is bu, you can be quite certain that Mumsnet will let her know. On this thread however, you are just very rudely ignoring op's particular situation and trying to get her to bend to your pov by shouting more loudly and accusing her of being a mil-hater. I find your posts rather unpleasant. It's like you are sticking your fingers in your ears and going la la la.

nananina if anybody wants scissors, cream, cotton wool etc while they're in my house they are very welcome to ask for it and they will get it. They are NOT allowed to go hunting for it themselves. This applies to every single person whose home is elsewhere.

Reading cards and letters that are not addressed to you is absolutely morally (and legally, when it arrives via mail) wrong. Lying around means lying around for me, and the people who live in my home. I take just as much offence from my MIL reading this stuff as I would a friend, my cleaner, the dishwasher repair guy or anyone else whose home is not mine. The fact that your family all do this, including your DILs, means that it's a very good thing I am not a part of your family.

I stopped writing messages to my SIL and BIL because - seeing as you ask - the latter contained reference to some strife he had suffered with his parents. This was written to and for him, not his mother, but she took it upon herself to invade his (and my) privacy on a matter he had chosen to confide in me about (and not his mother). I will not risk that happening again, and because I stopped for BIL I must stop for SIL.

Yes, I am the controlling force. In my house, you better believe it. In her house, I absolutely am not. FYI there are rooms in her house that even after all these years of marriage I have never even had the nerve to step into (her bedroom, bathroom and dressing room, specifically).

And yes, I am talking about an adult, a 62 year old one. I am giving her the treatment she earns. If she behaves like a child I will treat her like one. If she behaves like an adult I will treat her like one. And I absolutely expect her to do the same for me (and she does).

As for my MIL's relationship with my DC, it's absolutely wonderful. She's an absolutely brilliant grandmother, and she has been wonderful in respecting my boundaries as the mother. She hasn't once done anything that has caused me offence or overstepped the boundaries. I am extremely lucky that she is my DC's grandmother. Honestly.

Finally, the reasons why I won't say anything to my MIL and will just suck up the behavior and come on here to rant are (1) my DH doesn't have the headspace to deal with this issue, and I am absolutely fine with that (2) ultimately, like I say, she is a good woman. I have my faults, so does she. We both keep our gripes to ourselves (3) I hope to have her in my life for as long as she lives, and I want a good relationship with her. She has been extremely good to me throughout my marriage. On balance, I lucked out with my in laws (4) see above re relationship with DC

I appreciate your valiant attempt to defend MILs everywhere, but in my case it's a lost cause. At the best of times this is a nuanced relationship. Nosiness and boundary-overstepping is frankly not that big a deal compared to what some people have to put up with.

Nana you're not helping the bad name that mils get on here sometimes.

And what's with all the bold.

nananina you are actually making me laugh now. Thankfully as I've had a very stressful day which is not recommended at 9+months pregnant and PILs aren't helping the situation I genuinely would live to know how asking someone to come help out ONCE (and for the record it was in preparation for ds2 christening) equates to come to my house whenever you feel to wash my windows. But I suspect you know this and are stirring

My dc have excellent relationships with their GC and I have never and will never withhold contact between them for things they have done and said to me. They may not be perfect buy they adore my dc and vice versa. But I forgot to elaborate on a previous point about her wanting me to take the out of childcare to mind them. MIL is recovering from cancer and in poor health in general. Just recently she spent a week in hospital and another 2 weeks convalescing at home. What was I to do during that time she was ill? And it was not long after she came out of hospital she asked me (again) if she could mind my dc.

As I've said previously it really doesn't matter who it was who came to dig up my flowers, clean my windows, paint my house, if you don't have permission don't go on my property. My house my rules. I see it as basic manners to ask some ones permission to be on their property when they're not there. Obviously our definition of manner differ.

Is anyone else thinking that there might be a gap between nananina's perception of herself and reality? Because if you're half as intense as you come across on this thread, and take everything so personally and communicate so passive-aggressively you must be one scary MIL. Because there has been at least one other MIL to join the thread and say the behaviour was unreasonable.

Oh I definitely think there's a reality gap, but not necessarily in nana's perception.