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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Salsa dancing and angry DH

127 replies

mimishimmi · 27/05/2015 14:13

So my DH has been sleeping on the couch and cold-shouldering me since Monday night when I tried out a free salsa dancing class (my first ever salsa dancing) at a local hotel which runs them weekly. He knew beforehand that I was going as I did tell him and the kids. I already have a dance background with flamenco which I continue to dance. I liked the class ... we were not partnered up with any one person and basically the women were all in a circle with the guys rotating among us. To be fair, there did seem to be a few 'singles looking for love' type of attendees (among the women I talked to beforehand anyway ) but I've just really always wanted to be able to dance it and know the official moves - not the super sexy skimpy clothes style of dance, just the normal social type of dancing. I am planning to invite him for the next class (and it's a hotel anyway so if he really didn't want to try he could just come and have a drink and watch). This cold- shouldering is not new, he's done it a few times before until I've given up whatever it is he doesn't like or broken down and apologised profusely. I talked to a simply gorgeous woman after the class and told her that I'd love it if DH came, she said 'good luck with that, ten years and I've never convinced mine'. AIBU to attend ( as a married woman) or if not, how should I approach this with him?

OP posts:
Mellifera · 29/05/2015 13:57

OP don't feel guilty. I think your H wants exactly that - to get an unreasonable response out of you, by means of stonewalling and ignoring.

Then he can look the victim. After all he was only out with his mates.

CombineBananaFister · 29/05/2015 13:58

It all sounds very hardwork and draining for what's supposed to be a partnership - tantrums, lockouts, sulking, silent treatment.

I know you say the good time are good and he's a brilliant dad normally just not, it appears when things aren't going his way - which is incredibly unhealthy. Also one night out with him not contacting you results in you being suspicious? I'd be bloody angry if DH did it but wouldn't automatically think 'ow' ?

I personally couldn't live like that, it'd be like walking on eggshells - maybe counselling would be good to change how conflict is dealt with?

Hissy · 29/05/2015 14:23

I was warned I must never confront him in front of the neighbours like that again or it's over.

the MINUTE someone says that to you love, it already IS over. :(

YWNBU to lock him out. he is vile.

Oh and abusers are LOVELY when they need to be...

ClawOfBumhead · 29/05/2015 14:39

Really Hissy? Did you look at the situation?

If someone shouted so the neighbours could hear "WHO IS HE!" because you went for a drink with some (female) co-workers, you wouldn't say something like that?

Perhaps I am an abusive lunatic without knowing it then, because "If you pull that shit again in front of the neighbours I'm off" would be roughly my response to that.

mix56 · 29/05/2015 14:41

It's a sort of manipulation, he thinks of you as his "property", he is jealous & threatened by the possibility of you meeting other men, (possibly low self esteem, or the complete opposite, domineering macho)
I had the same over tennis lessons in a group of friends with a prof. it was at 7.30 pm for 2 hours. I eventually gave up as I stopped enjoying it knowing the fallout it provoked.
He ended up accusing me of having a liaison with one of the people. (nonsense.) I was just trying to do some sport for fitness.

I wish you luck with any attempt at discussion about your salsa, I never managed to make OH accept that he could either play to, that I had prepared the dinner, the kids were old enough to not need babysitting, that it was good for me...... or any other rational point of view. I imagine he is manipulative in other ways too

butterfly133 · 29/05/2015 14:44

ClawofBumhead "Perhaps I am an abusive lunatic without knowing it then, because "If you pull that shit again in front of the neighbours I'm off" would be roughly my response to that."

Exactly, mine too. Also, when rows and problems have escalated to the point that you want the poor innocent neighbours to know about them, it's really problematic. I'm not saying his behaviour is reasonable - I'd have left ages ago! - but I'm just saying it sounds like it's developed into a situation of bad behaviour all round. How you feel about "who started it" is up to you. I just think the main question is "should such a relationship continue?"

S0mmerHuset · 29/05/2015 17:10

My x once reprimanded me for referring to him as 'he' in front of the neighbours. I hadn't realised I'd done anything wrong until later when he very angrily tore a strip off me. I know it's not the most polite way of referring to somebody, ie, the cat's mother. But he was standing there and it would have been a bit forced to say 'awkward arsehole told me you were moving!'. *not his real name, although it would have suited him.

Hissy · 29/05/2015 17:14

Looks like the OP wasn't the one who turned up drunk and shouty, she said she ASKED. I took that to mean that she asked him perhaps when indoors.

But if she shouted, then I can kind of see it, but 2 weeks of stonewalling REALLY is hideous.

ClawofBumhead · 29/05/2015 17:51

Aaaah that makes sense, Hissy - I had that as the exchange that had been done so the neighbours could hear - I'd be mortified/livid in that case, but if that's not what you were thinking, I see where you were coming from

butterfly133 · 29/05/2015 18:25

oh, I was referring to this "I wanted the neighbours (all pretty conservative) hear him come home and have to knock."

That to me seems like behaviour that only happens when both parties are having a really bad time and not doing well together. But if someone did that to me, I'd be furious - I mean, set it up so that I couldn't get into my own home - without knocking/ringing the bell when they knew full well I was out for drinks and coming back that night, even if at 3 a.m.

Icimoi · 29/05/2015 19:05

Can you simply ignore the childish cold-shouldering? He is so obviously doing it in order to provoke a reaction from you, hence the smirk. But if you appear to be carrying on with your life perfectly happily, it'll get boring for him. If he won't come to eat when called, fine, leave him to starve. If he complains, say something along the lines of "I haven't got time to pander to sulking" and leave it at that.

Hissy · 29/05/2015 19:47

Yes, but him knocking could have been down to a myriad of reasons, only he and she would need to know it was done on purpose

If he's shouting, he's the one that drew attention to it all tbh.

But yes, borderline U really, but as I said , never underestimate what 2 weeks of silent treatment does to a person

Hissy · 29/05/2015 19:49

Agree with the ignoring his sulking/smirking etc, carry on blithely with what you want, LET him sulk and smirk, he's the one with a problem

fortunately · 29/05/2015 20:04

Oh op this all sounds dreadfully hard work and upsetting.

I think you have to start asking him some pretty stiff questions and standing up for yourself a bit more. I'd be at the point where I'd be demanding answers - even if it's not what I want to hear it must surely be better than this awful atmosphere.

The fact that it's affecting your kids would want me to get it either better or ended asap.

Original poster
mimishimmi · 29/05/2015 23:00

He basically just denied everything when I went in to tell him that if he has a problem with the salsa class, he is more than welcome to come. He said no, he's not interested in dancing, when I then asked if if he would like to come and that I would love it if he did.Sad He said that he's been sleeping on the couch because over a month ago I said he might need a sleep apnoea machine for his snoring. Denied snapping at me on Sat, saying I can twist anything to suit how I want to see things. You may be right, I think I'm done now. Which seems to be exactly what he wants but I can't live like this either ... not just the silent treatment, but the denying of everything when confronted. Now to messy logistics....wish me luck.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 30/05/2015 08:50

Bit of gaslighting in there too- sorry OP - don't tell him to early if you can help it. Get armed with knowledge first Flowers

DinosaursRoar · 30/05/2015 08:56

Good luck. Life is very short to waste on this sort of thing.

Original poster
mimishimmi · 30/05/2015 09:45

This morning he asked me quite aggressively "what makes you so special?". I've been mulling over that today and have thought a lot .. actually , nothing. Nothing he does in our relationship makes me feel special or wanted.

For example, we were overseas just over a month ago visiting his family in an unfamilar country. He told me " Let's have a date day together towards the end and that's when we can see the stuff we want to see" and I was really excited because I can't remember the last time he suggested going out like that together - we do go out but on my instigation for something special although he will ask about lunch every few weeks. So anyway, date day arrived and whilst we were about to get into a water taxi (it's a bit stressful) he mentioned that he'd promised his dad he would take him out in the evening and would that be okay with me. I did think it was a bit strange he'd promise that on the day he said we'd set aside for spending time together but said okay as he'd been going out with his dad/brother regularly at around 9:30/10pm andIi thought we'd be able to get back by then. Morning went well, afternoon not so well as it was so hot, and some farflung attractions turned out not to be open and we got lost in a market. A market we'd visited because he had said he wanted a clean shirt to go back home in after a massage we planned to get together later on - then he yelled at me for 'making him' buy one when he said we wouldn't be able to get a massage because he'd told his dad 7:30pm. He had suggested nothing all day by the way, I made all the decisions. i don't think he even had looked at the guidebook. Then he kept asking me if we'd be making it back by 7:30 as that was when he'd told his dad he'd be taking him out. Continually asked this whilst waiting for a sunset. So no dinner, no massage (we'd planned to get one together). I just gave up, we went back to my in-laws and I went out for the massage by myself (which was excellent thankfully). He made me feel just so worthless that day.

Nothing makes me special to him.

OP posts:
MissMarplesBloomers · 30/05/2015 10:01

I think you have realised it is over & the relationship beyond help, so the answer is what do YOU want to do?

Please don't stay "for the kids" showing them their father is allowed to treat their mother thi way isnot good modelling for their own future relationships.

You say he is good with them, well he can still be good with them but without the stress BOTH of you can be better parents,and the DC will not have to live in a hostile environment which really does affect them more than you'd think.

That said get your ducks in a row,get copies of all bank statements,credit cards, savings,pensions etc & keep them safely, at a friends house maybe?

Is the house jointly owned/rented? Would you have someone to stay with if you left, while you sorted out a property?

DinosaursRoar · 30/05/2015 10:14

The fact he asked that means he doesn't know either - he doesn't think you are special.

Thing is, you deserve to feel special to the person who's picked you to spend the rest of your life with, not like you could just be any woman.

LTB is trotted out a lot on these boards, but do you want to live like this? Its ok to say 'no' without a 'big' reason like infidelity or abuse or financial troubles, you can just say this isnt the right person for either of you.

You mention your PIL live overseas, is your DH from there? Then perhaps one thing to think about is the DCs passports, do they only have UK ones? I would take those to start with, along with their birth certificates and put in a safe place. Start pulling together any paperwork you think you could need.

Original poster
mimishimmi · 30/05/2015 10:23

We were visiting a third country that my SiL (DH brother's wife) has been posted to. They have some pretty major issues in their relationship too which got quite uncomfortable and had me feeling really bad for SiL who is lovely. Grandparents are there helping with their kids. Feeling so terrible right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
mimishimmi · 30/05/2015 10:37

Forgot to add that just after the sunset and before we got in the taxi that day, I was obviously visibly upset and he asked me "I need to spend time with my family. Is this a control thing?".

OP posts:
Hissy · 30/05/2015 10:43

What makes you 'so special' has nothing to do with him love, you are special IN SPITE OF HIM!

The answer to him should have been,"well i know what makes me me, and I know that's special enough, if you say such things to me, it means that I'm wasting my life with someone who isn't interested or invested in my happiness. What are you going to do about it."

Hissy · 30/05/2015 10:45

What he's doing there is giving you crumbs only to snatch them away, setting up and framing activities to make you happy then deliberately ruining them. He enjoys seeing you suffer. He's awful,

AllKnickersNoFurCoat · 30/05/2015 12:12

"What makes you so special?"

That's such an awful thing to say isn't it! Nasty, nasty unpleasant man.