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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Salsa dancing and angry DH

127 replies

mimishimmi · 27/05/2015 14:13

So my DH has been sleeping on the couch and cold-shouldering me since Monday night when I tried out a free salsa dancing class (my first ever salsa dancing) at a local hotel which runs them weekly. He knew beforehand that I was going as I did tell him and the kids. I already have a dance background with flamenco which I continue to dance. I liked the class ... we were not partnered up with any one person and basically the women were all in a circle with the guys rotating among us. To be fair, there did seem to be a few 'singles looking for love' type of attendees (among the women I talked to beforehand anyway ) but I've just really always wanted to be able to dance it and know the official moves - not the super sexy skimpy clothes style of dance, just the normal social type of dancing. I am planning to invite him for the next class (and it's a hotel anyway so if he really didn't want to try he could just come and have a drink and watch). This cold- shouldering is not new, he's done it a few times before until I've given up whatever it is he doesn't like or broken down and apologised profusely. I talked to a simply gorgeous woman after the class and told her that I'd love it if DH came, she said 'good luck with that, ten years and I've never convinced mine'. AIBU to attend ( as a married woman) or if not, how should I approach this with him?

OP posts:
splemp · 27/05/2015 16:59

*What a dick. He needs to learn to communicate.

Why, why, why have YOU caved in the past when he's the one being unreasonable? Why reward childish, controlling, uncommunicative dickishness - it can only have encouraged more of the same behaviour. *

Bingo. The learning to communicate bit can be the key for some people, even if it is very, very, very, very, VERY difficult for some of us to communicate our feelings to another person candidly.

Caving entirely does not benefit people in the long run. I'm all for baby steps if your partner has abandonment issues or whatever, but ultimately everybody is better off working through and getting over jealousy, because you can't have an adult relationship otherwise.

ElkTheory · 27/05/2015 17:11

Goodness, why on earth shouldn't you take a salsa dancing class if you want to? It's perfectly fine, even for a married woman! Smile

Your husband's reaction sounds very childish and unpleasant. In your shoes I certainly wouldn't give up dancing just because he has taken an irrational dislike to a new hobby.

FriendlyLadybird · 27/05/2015 17:55

Yeah, but Splemp, this wasn't the first time: This cold- shouldering is not new, he's done it a few times before until I've given up whatever it is he doesn't like or broken down and apologised profusely.

Sure, everyone has childish or irrational feelings occasionally, but not everyone indulges them with sulking or cold-shouldering. Speaking personally, and by no means offering advice to the OP, I would not care about a relationship with an habitual sulker or cold-shoulderer. So I'd have LTB ages ago.

pointythings · 27/05/2015 17:56

The thing is though, splemp that OP's H has form for this. It's his modus operandi. If after all these years he still doesn't realise that it's unacceptable then I don't see why OP shouldn't let him have the benefit of her honest opinion of his behaviour. I personally would not hesitate to let my DH know the first time he tried sulking that it was going to be a quick route to a divorce if it persisted.

HermioneWeasley · 27/05/2015 18:00

This won't get any better. He will continue until he controls every aspect of your life.

My dad has done it to my mum. It's heartbreaking.

Icimoi · 27/05/2015 18:11

To be fair, he hasn't told me directly not to go and that's not his style. He's barely spoken to me since.

So what's his official explanation for the fact that he's not talking to you and is sleeping/sulking on the sofa? Does he expect you to be telepathic?

Or is his thinking that if he goes into a monumental sulk for long enough you'll assume it is all your fault and start grovelling? To be fair, that does appear to be what you've done in the past. So you really need to sit down with him and say that if he has an issue he needs to express it. If he says that he doesn't have an issue, take it at face value and say "Oh, good, so are you going to start behaving like a normal adult now?" And if he says that you ought to know, tell him that you don't know because you are totally unaware of having done anything that might worry or bother any reasonable adult.

Justusemyname · 27/05/2015 18:22

Of course he doesn't need to tell you directly not to go. You'll decide that all by yourself as it won't be worth the silent treatment. And NEWSFLASH he doesn't get to tell you what to do. He's not the boss of you.

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 27/05/2015 18:39

This cold- shouldering is not new, he's done it a few times before until I've given up whatever it is he doesn't like or broken down and apologised profusely.

OP, does this behaviour not seem unreasonable to you? To me, this sounds controlling and emotionally abusive.

I can imagine there's be a lot of women who'd get upset if their DH wanted to do it too.

My DH loves dancing, I don't. So he goes to salsa classes/ courses from time to time. It's great for both of us. I can't imagine what sort of relationship we'd be in if I got upset at him doing salsa dance classes. Confused

OP, I'm sorry that you are in a relationship where someone is sulking and controlling and acts like your DH is doing, all because you've gone to a dance class. It sounds miserable.

What are the good things about your relationship, I mean that sincerely? What are they?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/05/2015 19:31

Tbh when twats give you the silent treatment best thing to do is enjoy the peace and quiet. Makes it so much easier to see how better your life would be with out the ninsence in it

CaveMum · 27/05/2015 20:04

OP, YANBU.

Off on a tangent slightly but sounds to me like it was a Rueda de Casino class. It's a particular style of salsa danced in a circle with constant changing of partners, kind of like synchronised dancing. When done well it looks fantastic Grin

bigbumtheory · 27/05/2015 20:15

The silent treatment is a form of control and punishment and I suspect this isn't the first or even fifth time your DH has used it to punish you or get his own way. His behaviour is very worrying if so OP.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 27/05/2015 20:50

It sounds really awful and I'd definitely be saying to him that you'll continue to be doing salsa. However I agree that you're right to invite him along to see what it's like.

I used to do Ceroc, haven't in years but want to get back into it. DH has been once, he's quite good but not interested. I enjoy the dancing, some of the social element, I've done extra workshops and gone to different locations. I'm happily married and wasn't looking for a bloke, I like dancing and enjoyed a style that makes it easy for women arriving on their own to partner dance (Ceroc uses lines or circles to rotate men/women so everyone gets someone to dance with in turn).

If DH wanted to sleep on the sofa and give me the silent treatment because of Ceroc I'd ask him to go the whole hog and move out. Either discuss your issues with me like a grown up or move on, I don't have time for the cold shoulder. However this is easy for me to say precisely because DH is a grown up and would discuss it with me.

MistressDeeCee · 28/05/2015 03:45

My ex of several years was like this. Still makes my gall rise to think how many years I spent appeasing him until he got what he wanted. A miserable me.

Your DH sounds like him, in behav iour. Its not that he doesn't want you near any single men, OP. Its because he wants to disrupt something you love and enjoy doing. Like you I have a dance background, I performed professionally although I wasnt doing that so much by the time we met. My ex knew this and was absolutely fine with it...for a while.

Further into the relationship he showed his true colours. Would find excuses to be sulky days before I had a workshop, or show. When I wanted to go to dance classes he would pick arguments and yes I got the cold shoulder treatment. I didn't make the mistake of thinking he was oh so worried that Id jump or men, or they'd jump on me. No...it was solely that he wanted to prevent me doing something I loved.

Except - his plan to have a miserable me with no outside stimulating interests didn't work as I eventually dumped him. It wasn't a pleasant experience..he went ballistic. It was worth it though. Privately in my mind I named him The Dementor as he sucked the joy out of everything I did. What a relief to get rid..when before then Id thought I could never live without him.

Not saying you should dump your DH but I doubt you will be able to live with that level of meanminded control. When you stop going Salsa it will be something else...

My OH now isn't greatly into dancing. & I don't perform professionally anymore. But we go out dancing together, he compromises because he knows I love to dance. He doesn't bat an eyelid when I go off to classes by myself either. We are happy. I look back and shudder to think what my life would have been like if Id stayed wasted even more years of this 1 life with my ex..

Hope you manage to sort things out and it doesn't involve stopping what you are doing to suit your DH.

however · 28/05/2015 04:14

You know it's not about the dancing, right?

Think about having this posted in relationships.

Rainbunny · 28/05/2015 05:00

He seems to have massive insecurities regarding you doing a certain type of physical activity - dancing. Yes Salsa, like flamenco has a sensual aspect to it but it's perfectly respectable and you have encouraged him to join you in it. As others have posted, his reaction is not okay. However, this doesn't have to be black and white, you don't say your DH is an awful person in other ways so no need to jump to extremes right now. Talk honestly and plainly to your DH about why his behaviour is unreasonable and based upon irrational fears. Ask him why he acts the way he does and listen. He still may be unreasonable in his responses but at least you'll have some real information to deal with, or else realise that he is unable to honestly discuss his feelings with you.

I participate in a sport that my dh has no interest in. I have a male coach and I play with and against other men. My dh has never been anything other than encouraging.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/05/2015 06:16

I think I'd ask him calmly why he is sleeping on the sofa and if there's sonething he's unhappy about. Perhaps he misheard "salsa" as "swinging"?

AliceScarlett · 28/05/2015 07:48

This is not about dancing, he's trying to control you by being emotionally manipulative. You don't have to put up with it.

Lavenderice · 28/05/2015 13:05

Don't just leave him on the couch, just leave him. He is try to control you and he is doing this by emotionally abusing you. This will not get any better. Pick up your salsa shoes and run as fast as you can.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/05/2015 13:33

I agree with others.
It's stonewalling and it's all about control and abuse.
Is this just the tip of the iceberg?

Original poster
mimishimmi · 28/05/2015 14:12

Thanks guys. Still trying to take it all in. I thought today was going okay (we made each other coffee in the morning) but then he wouldn't come to the dinner table after kids and I sat down (I had let him know about five mins prior). I momentarily got slightly teary (just watery eyes)and of course kids picked up on it right away. I told DS it was the onions...but DD's 14 so obviously not fooled. They called on him to come, which he did, and he very briefly had this smirk I've never really seen on him before just as he was sitting down. interacted normally with the kids (and me) until they went to bed and then straight back to the cold shouldering and sleeping on the sofa in the study tonight. I get some small comfort that it's pretty uncomfortable - only five feet long and he's over 6' - and he looked very tired today. I've been sleeping really well but a bit down at the moment. have been doing a Mumsnet search on 'silent treatment' and it's almost like there's a textbook on this.

So the going off to the sofa for extended periods of time (we've both done a night here or there on occasion to cool off and that's okay with me) has only happened about three or four times in the past 19 years. The cold-shouldering a bit more often and as SolidGoldBrass suggested, often over housework. Apart from cooking, I wouldn't say that he does not pull his own weight though - he's naturally tidier than me and has always done his own washing etc. Those cold-shoulder episodes happened more often when the kids were younger and left more of their stuff around. He's a good dad and normally kind, gentle except for these incidents.

The smirk did make me think that he may be doing this hoping I will be the one to ask to end the relationship. Maybe it has nothing to do with the salsa and that just provided a convenient excuse because he was also very sharp with me on Sat over something really innocuous.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 28/05/2015 14:29

He knows EXACTLY what hes doing OP. You already knew he was being manipulative. That smirk just rubber stamps it. Hes being emotionally abusive and he knows it.

OnlyLovers · 28/05/2015 15:08

He's a good dad

He isn't really. The kids are noticing his behaviour and it must be unsettling them. Plus it's not a great example of how to behave towards the people you love, is it?

I'd ignore him if he doesn't come to the dinner table, and not warn him in advance either. Difficult to stop the kids calling for him to come, I know, though.

Duckdeamon · 28/05/2015 15:19

Teens will notice a lot. Stonewalling is pretty unpleasant.

Why do you think he might want to end your relationship?

hellsbellsmelons · 28/05/2015 15:43

Look up 'Stonewalling abuse'
If you just look up stonewalling all sorts of things come up about building.
You'll learn a lot.

helenahandbag · 28/05/2015 15:49

PLEASE don't give in to this behaviour. Please.

He knows exactly what he is doing so call his bluff, keep doing what you're doing and don't let on that it is bothering you. If he wants to be a big baby then fine, don't pander to him.