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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Salsa dancing and angry DH

127 replies

mimishimmi · 27/05/2015 14:13

So my DH has been sleeping on the couch and cold-shouldering me since Monday night when I tried out a free salsa dancing class (my first ever salsa dancing) at a local hotel which runs them weekly. He knew beforehand that I was going as I did tell him and the kids. I already have a dance background with flamenco which I continue to dance. I liked the class ... we were not partnered up with any one person and basically the women were all in a circle with the guys rotating among us. To be fair, there did seem to be a few 'singles looking for love' type of attendees (among the women I talked to beforehand anyway ) but I've just really always wanted to be able to dance it and know the official moves - not the super sexy skimpy clothes style of dance, just the normal social type of dancing. I am planning to invite him for the next class (and it's a hotel anyway so if he really didn't want to try he could just come and have a drink and watch). This cold- shouldering is not new, he's done it a few times before until I've given up whatever it is he doesn't like or broken down and apologised profusely. I talked to a simply gorgeous woman after the class and told her that I'd love it if DH came, she said 'good luck with that, ten years and I've never convinced mine'. AIBU to attend ( as a married woman) or if not, how should I approach this with him?

OP posts:

ttc2015 · 28/05/2015 17:21

Good dad's don't do this to their childrens mother. A good father would be horrified by the impact it will have on his children and would have left rather then inflicted it.7

It shouldn't have to be a 'but' situation OP: he's emotionally abusive but a good dad, he's giving me the silent treatment but sometime can be kind. It should be: my DH is a good dad and very kind. No buts because as they say everything after but is bullshit and trying to find a justification why to put up with such bad behaviour.

I expect the smirk is less about that and more about seeing you upset, thinking his won and is in control. If you ended it, it would take the wind from his sails and freak him out. He would not be smirking.

Ask yourself this: would you want either of your DC marrying someone like your husband?

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 28/05/2015 17:57

OP, do you still want to be in this relationship?

He sounds emotionally abusive, controlling and cruel. The smirk thing sounds sadistic.

As others said, he's NOT a good father if he treats you like this.

I seriously think you should end the relationship, he is cruel to you.

Original poster

mimishimmi · 29/05/2015 05:00

I think I heard him speaking very softly to someone on the phone as I came out of the shower a short time ago. Then the talking just stopped after I left the bathroom. The other day, he told someone on the phone he was sorry he had to cut them off abruptly but his alarm was going off (it was actually an alarm on my phone) and I had approached to turn it off.

Not looking good. Think I have to steel myself for this weekend.

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 29/05/2015 05:13

Oh dear that's tough. Would you be able to get your important documents together today and copies of financial stuff? Stash them away before you speak to him.

maras2 · 29/05/2015 05:16

Sorry mimi.It's not looking good is it? No real advice but very best wishes from me.

Hissy · 29/05/2015 07:42

Hmm, that may go a long way to explaining things :(

Many cheats accuse their partners of cheating. But by the sounds of it, he's an arse when he's not being obeyed, so in time you'll see how he's not much of a loss.

Observe him, don't back down, continue to be breezy. The smirk was probably at the tears eyes, he knows he's getting to you.

DinosaursRoar · 29/05/2015 07:52

There's a good chance he's doing this because he's cheating /wants to line up a replacement and wants the narrative to be that it's "your fault" if he leaves.

Take the time to pull together paperwork, possibly see a solicitor.

Mellifera · 29/05/2015 08:01

I agree, the dancing may be only a coincidence, he is looking for something to argue about.
Also agree about collecting and copying knowledge about financial stuff, passports and documents.

You sound lovely and he sounds like an arse.

petalsandstars · 29/05/2015 08:11

Get your financial ducks in a row just in case

Original poster

mimishimmi · 29/05/2015 10:57

I won't be asking questions just yet due to experience last time. At the end of last year, when he went into a similar strop after the concert we weren't talking (surprise) and then he went out after work one weekday evening without letting me know at all (he always does otherwise) .I rang him at about 11:30pm asking where he was, could hear the throbbing beat of dance music in the background and he said out with friends. I hung up on him and put the chain lock on - partially for my own safety and yes, childishly on my part , because we live an apartment block and I wanted the neighbours (all pretty conservative) hear him come home and have to knock. Which he did at 12:45 or so, shouting. When I opened the door he reeked of alcohol and I asked "Who is she?". He said "Are you fucking nuts?" . As it did turn out he did actually go out with two (male) ex-colleagues of his for a catchup and I confirmed that. I was warned I must never confront him in front of the neighbours like that again or it's over. He said he didn't let me know because we weren't talking but that wasn't my fault - he started picking the fight and sulking in the first place!

When it's good, it really is very good though. we still didn't talk for about two weeks after that and somehow I came out if it thinking he saw it all completely as my fault - the nagging suspicious wife. Until I broke down and said sorry (I didn't say sorry that particular night - I shouted at him with righteous anger) he didn't forgive me.

So I don't really want a repeat of that. not feeling breezy though ...

OP posts:

S0mmerHuset · 29/05/2015 11:01

he's an arse! does he make you put up with that sulking shit on a regular basis!?

I'm single and I would like to learn to dance too, but what puts me off going is that it would be assumed I was a "single looking for love". That's not a reprimand btw. Just, after 8 years of living with an arse I'm a single not waiting for love! Doesn't stop you doing anything you want to do.

helenahandbag · 29/05/2015 11:04

You were "warned"? He didn't tell you because you weren't speaking? Is your husband 12 years old?

It's common courtesy to tell someone that you're going out and roughly when to expect you home, regardless of arguments. He sounds like a manchild and you don't have to tiptoe around his delicate little feelings.

Original poster

mimishimmi · 29/05/2015 11:05

Sorry, I didn't assume - one woman actually told me she was. others said they were part of a singles meetup group.

OP posts:

S0mmerHuset · 29/05/2015 11:06

Don't apologise to him this time. If he's not talking to you, it's uncomfortable and tense but you do not owe him an apology. I agree with the advice to get your ducks in a row. Think about what you want to do and check back in with your own internal barmometre wrt what's reasonable. Don't not go places or not speak to new people for a 'quiet life'. My x controlled me not with silences but with flashes of temper, the end result ends up being the same.... you're constantly trying not to annoy an unreasonable man.

S0mmerHuset · 29/05/2015 11:07

I didn't mean to bite your head off, sorry, last thing you need.

S0mmerHuset · 29/05/2015 11:12

Reading your second post, it sounds like no matter what he does, no matter what you say, The Script he is going to stick to is that you nag and he's done no wrong! This script leaves no room for discussion. He will never say, "oh, ok, I refused to hear you and I called you a nag, that was harsh, but I wish you weren't so angry with me when I haven't cheated, how about, you tell me if you're going out with friends and I'll tell you if I'm......."

I feel like I recognise this style of non-communication that he has. He will never take it back to the drawing board and reassure you and ask for reassurance and set up healthy boundaries that both of you will agree to willingly respect.

he will carry on, like's he's in a tank with his foot off the break, insisting that he's the injured party, you nag at him, and he isn't respected and you don't listen to his warnings.

[?]

Mellifera · 29/05/2015 11:15

Not talking to you for weeks? I would seriously get my shit sorted and plan for a divorce.

The more you write the more he sounds like an abusive shit.

I'd do some snooping to find out about this potential OW and I would not apologize for going dancing. Why should you? Let him sleep on the sofa until his back breaks and don't back down in any way.

I suspect he will find something else to pick a fight about. He sounds like he wants out.

thegreysheep · 29/05/2015 11:35

Yes, have to agree with many on here, it's not about the dancing. It's about control and having you miserable at home with limited outside interests and walking on eggshells...while he can get away and do what he wants, and you will be too afraid of rocking the boat to challenge him or too caught up with trying to appease him to notice what he's up to, perhaps.

molyholy · 29/05/2015 11:53

He sounds like an absolute dick. I couldn't live like that. Your partner should be encouraging of something he knows you would enjoy. What an arsehole.

ClawOfBumhead · 29/05/2015 12:38

Curiouser and curiouser.

So... going for a drink with the lads results in you locking him out and screaming "Who is she!" in front of the neighbours.

I'd ask if you were fucking nuts and tell you to never do that in front of the neighbours again, as well.

Oh and "confirming" that, which I guess we can assume means you checked up on him. So you're a jealousy detective, too.

Dancing is actually great, and you should be able to do it, but given the above, I have to wonder what your reaction would be to him going to a place full of singles/marriage escapees and having the female ones dry hump his leg to dodgy keyboard music :P

No offense but it sounds like you might be quite jealous yourself and perhaps are not presenting 100% of that, but if you accuse him of cheating that easily, if that is a pattern that has existed for a long time in your relationship, it's no wonder he is on red alert, because people tend to project their own impulses onto other people, and bizarre accusations reflect that.

ClawOfBumhead · 29/05/2015 12:39

(and I am in no way absolving him of his own dicklicker behaviour, there. It all sounds a bit unhealthy tbh.)

SolidGoldBrass · 29/05/2015 12:43

Going for a drink without telling your partner, after repeated bouts of sulking and tantrumming, does lead to suspicion. It sounds very much like this man has no interest in OP's wellbeing and actively seeks to upset her so that he can do as he likes.
Really, OP, I would suggest getting rid of him. It's much better to be a single parent than spend your life tiptoeing round an abusive man.

butterfly133 · 29/05/2015 13:03

okay, this is weird. His behaviour as described in your OP is awful. But wanting to bother the neighbours and making him knock at the door is also awful. not a healthy relationship. If it's descended into this, time to have a good long look at it.

Original poster

mimishimmi · 29/05/2015 13:30

Yeah, it was not acceptable behaviour on my part either with regards to locking the door. I don't normally react to him having a night out like that though - because he usually lets me know and I haven't had a week of silent treatment and sofa sleeping immediately prior.

OP posts:

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 29/05/2015 13:30

Sorry but I've got to say the title of this thread alone is just brilliant

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