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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Salsa dancing and angry DH

127 replies

mimishimmi · 27/05/2015 14:13

So my DH has been sleeping on the couch and cold-shouldering me since Monday night when I tried out a free salsa dancing class (my first ever salsa dancing) at a local hotel which runs them weekly. He knew beforehand that I was going as I did tell him and the kids. I already have a dance background with flamenco which I continue to dance. I liked the class ... we were not partnered up with any one person and basically the women were all in a circle with the guys rotating among us. To be fair, there did seem to be a few 'singles looking for love' type of attendees (among the women I talked to beforehand anyway ) but I've just really always wanted to be able to dance it and know the official moves - not the super sexy skimpy clothes style of dance, just the normal social type of dancing. I am planning to invite him for the next class (and it's a hotel anyway so if he really didn't want to try he could just come and have a drink and watch). This cold- shouldering is not new, he's done it a few times before until I've given up whatever it is he doesn't like or broken down and apologised profusely. I talked to a simply gorgeous woman after the class and told her that I'd love it if DH came, she said 'good luck with that, ten years and I've never convinced mine'. AIBU to attend ( as a married woman) or if not, how should I approach this with him?

OP posts:
sproutsmum · 27/05/2015 15:19

Crikey , I think that's rough! You should go to your class and be visibly excited about doing so ,full of beans when you get back and book an extra dance class next week 'cos you loved it so much! Give him some more free time to sulk on the couch alone , he seems to enjoy it!
I'm sorry that sounded flippant , in all seriousness though , life is short , go and enjoy it and ignore the toddler tantrum he is throwing to get his own way , grown ups talk about things and people who love you encourage you to have a fulfilling life and support you even if it's not their thing.
Maybe when he gets out of his sulk you could suggest a night out salsa-ing and a night out doing something he enjoys.

Shakey1500 · 27/05/2015 15:21

So he's having a sulk? Diddums. Get your glad rags on, salsa away and tell him he's free to join you when he's grown up.

OnlyLovers · 27/05/2015 15:21

Chandler, you seem to have a personal issue with salsa that isn't really helpful in this context.

The OP may love salsa for reasons other than it involving 'prancing around in high heels taking a subservient role, making small talk with men who wouldn't get a look in otherwise or with marital escapees who want to safely flirt'.

whooshbangprettycolours · 27/05/2015 15:22

What's he up to that makes him so suspicious of you? That's what I'd be thinking. Sorry (feels like shit stirring), but honestly, why is he so worried. Is he projecting his bad behaviour?

Those that don't trust, can't be trusted.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/05/2015 15:23

FFS don't give up your class and don't show in any way that you are bothered by his tantrum. Treat him with cheerful, slightly contemptuous indifference and get on with whatever it is you want to do.
Basically, this is where you give him a choice: he can behave like a grown up who accepts that you are an equal, or he can find himself divorced.
Because this isn't about dancing, and it isn't about 'other men'. It's about training you, like a disobedient dog, to 'know your place' and have no hobbies or interests outside the home. I bet this man moans and fusses about housework all the time while doing next to none of it, as well.

FriendlyLadybird · 27/05/2015 15:24

Splemp -- he may have feelings about it but they are unreasonable and irrational, and he is expressing them in a particularly childish way. Why is it up to the OP to 'care about their relationship' if he doesn't?

OP, of course you should carry on going to the class. I have absolutely no idea what you should say to your husband though. FWIW when I told mine I wanted to try salsa dancing his reaction was, "Oh bollocks, I suppose I'll have to come too. Can't have some sweaty lothario with his hands all over you..." It was heavily ironic, though, as he loves dancing.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/05/2015 15:26

What other things have you done that he's given you the cold shoulder because he doesn't like them?

Nolim · 27/05/2015 15:27

Salsa dancing in a circle???
That sounds boring and inaccurate!

But as long as you enjoy it go for it.

FriendlyLadybird · 27/05/2015 15:29

No, Nolim -- I don't think they're dancing in a circle: it's just a way of rotating partners so that no couple is dancing together for too long.

Nolim · 27/05/2015 15:31

Ah, that makes more sense.

OnlyLovers · 27/05/2015 15:31

But as long as you enjoy it go for it.

How patronising, Nolim.

Original poster
mimishimmi · 27/05/2015 15:32

Chandler, I know what you mean. Actually I had a few problems with the dance steps initially because with flamenco it's all very self -driven - you decide on the turn and perform it, it's not initiated by someone else even if you are dancing with them, as there is no contact. I did give up flamenco for a long period in my twenties (after having kids) which is something I regretted and started doing again at 30 (now almost 39). I just like dancing (my dad's a guitar player and often played flamenco for fun so it's a style of music I've grown up with). I've never taken salsa classes but have danced it on a couple of social occasions and just feel like learning new moves.

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 27/05/2015 15:33

I asked about the male friends because I was wondering if he had an issue with you interacting with all males or just potential dance partners?

Nolim · 27/05/2015 15:34

Onlylovers: the class op is describing is not one that i would enjoy. But if she does i thing she should go for it. I dont see how that is patronizing.

Original poster
mimishimmi · 27/05/2015 15:38

i think why they have this male/female pairing is because men step forward on the left and women step back on the right. I guess they feel it would be too difficult for beginners to remember which is which during instruction if they had same sex pairings.

OP posts:
Original poster
mimishimmi · 27/05/2015 15:40

No, he generally does not have a problem with me interacting with males otherwise ... I think it's the dancing..

OP posts:
cardibach · 27/05/2015 15:42

You say he hasn't said what he is sulking about, OP - That he hasn't told you he doesn't want you to go to salsa. Fair enough, until he manages to communicate you don't need to stop. How do you know what is upsetting him? It surely can't be a harmless dance class? That would be strange... :). Use his childishness against him.

OnlyLovers · 27/05/2015 15:43

Nolim, you said it sounded 'boring and inaccurate!', which is a bit stronger than saying you wouldn't enjoy it.

And your follow-up comment DOES sound patronising. But in any case, I think from further posts that that ISN'T the class style but a misunderstanding of her description of it.

Original poster
mimishimmi · 27/05/2015 15:51

Yeah, just to clarify - we weren't doing 'circle dancing'. Just rotating partners on each attempt - so we had a little routine based on about 5 moves we learned - basic, crossover, basic, cross over with half turn, basic, crossover with full turn, basic with a turn from the guy, basic with a hair swish thingy from the girls . After that little routine was finished, we'd stay where we were in the circle around the instructors in the middle (male,female) and the guy would move to the next female.

OP posts:
Nolim · 27/05/2015 16:12

Thanks for clarifying op. I imagined ppl dancing salsa in circles! That would be boring and inacurate imo.
But dancing is a hobbie as any other and there is nothing wrong with that.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/05/2015 16:48

What a dick. He needs to learn to communicate.

Why, why, why have YOU caved in the past when he's the one being unreasonable? Why reward childish, controlling, uncommunicative dickishness - it can only have encouraged more of the same behaviour.

Tell hem calmly that his sulking is childish, unreasonable and manipulative and you are not giving to be swayed by such silliness. If he wishes to have a grown up discussion about his concerns, you are prepared to listen. Not necessarily agree, or do as he prefers but listen and talk through his concerns.

I suspect his behaviour is partly because he knows that trying to articulate his feelings would make him sound silly, so he goes for bullying tactics to avoid having to explain himself.

He needs to go through the process of trying to explain, recognising that his feelings are not the only ones that count, his perspective not the only valid one, his explanation not convincing when spoken out loud. Also that sometimes we all have to recognise that our feelings are just that, ours and feelings, not rational and not a reasonable basis for asking anyone else to behave differently.

Of course you may be able to reassure him on whatever the specific concern is. In the end either he trusts you or he doesn't.

donemekmelarf · 27/05/2015 16:52

Maybe he's worried about the Curse of Strictly! Shock

happening to you

Summerisle1 · 27/05/2015 16:53

...your husband has feelings about this. You can either sit down and discuss it reasonably in the hope of achieving a reasonable outcome within the context of a loving relationship between human beings...

That's excellent advice. But only if you are dealing with someone prepared to discuss something reasonably. Anger and cold-shouldering your partner in the hopes that (yet again) they'll give up an activity they might enjoy is no basis at all to move forwards in the conciliatory manner that you are suggesting.

splemp · 27/05/2015 16:54

@FriendlyLadybird - everyone has feelings that are childish and irrational sometimes, it doesn't mean they don't care about their relationship.

I can imagine how my relationships would have gone if the first time I had had childish and irrational feelings and sulked about it, my SO had started throwing around the word divorce the way people are, here.

Besides which, having a feeling that makes them feel crazy doesn't necessarily mean a person wants act on it to control someone else - anyone who has overcome a little jealousy at some point knows this (and I think most of us have).

I don't even accept that a cold shoulder is necessarily manipulative all of the time, even if it is very definitely bang out of order. Sometimes people fall quiet/walk off/cold shoulder for different reasons, and a person who is being out of order, even a person who is emotionally immature or damaged, might still be someone who can snap out of it and see reason if there is love there, it is worth a try.

Perhaps he is a twat, I would just decide he's a twat after talking through it to try and reach a reasonable understanding, rather than before.

Duckdeamon · 27/05/2015 16:59

Does he often do this kind of sulking and punishment?

How often have you caved in when he's done it in the past? Why - what would he do if you didn't?

Why have you apologised in the past?