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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that this man is lying to us?

132 replies

Chardonnay73 · 26/05/2015 10:03

Just got back from holiday abroad, AI type hotel, quite small, very friendly.

There was an amusement arcade which the ds' liked to go to after dinner every night, so dh and I would give then 5 euros each to spend.

On the last night, we only had 5 euro notes, so sent the ds (12 (ASD) & 8) to reception to change into coins (we were sitting in the restaurant 20 feet away and could see them from our table)

5 mins passed and they hadn't returned, no probs, there was usually a queue. Then ds1 comes running back in without his money. We ask why and it transpires that the receptionist had no change so sent the two boys over the road to a nearby hotel to get some!!!! Shock

They had got to the other hotel, got all flustered as it was unfamiliar and came running back. I was SEETHING that the receptionist had sent two children out across a busy main road unattended to basically do his job for him.

Dh goes to reception to try to ascertain what had gone on, and the receptionist assures him that he accompanied the boys to the hotel to get the money. However, after careful questioning to each child, they both (independently) insisted he didn't go with them, they went on their own.

So either he is lying to us, or my children are, which I really don't think as DS1 is incapable to lying due to his ASD and very black and white view of the world.

We didnt do anything more at the time, it was 10pm and we had to be up early to fly home, but since we got home I've been thinking about it and its really narked me, a) that he would send 2 kids out of the hotel without their parents permission, and b) that he may have lied to my dh that he went with them.

WWYD? Dh says to leave it now we are home, but I feel it at least needs raising with the hotel that sending children out of the hotel and over the road without their parents knowledge is not acceptable and dangerous?

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 26/05/2015 10:24

It's not the receptionists job to sort your kids out with change - Is assume he said something along the lines of "try the shop, they might have some" and your kids have just went on themselves. It's completely your responsibility to make sure your children don't leave the premises. I'd be raging with my kids tbh.

WhoNickedMyName · 26/05/2015 10:24

gobsmacked that you think the receptionist should have left the crowd of people waiting at receotion to check in, to escort your children to another hotel to get some change.

astonishing.

I'd be furious if my 11yo took himself off to another hotel without telling me first, and even more furious if he left our hotel for a walk with a random member of staff. what I wouldn't be doing is whining that the receptionist was in the wrong here.

rookiemere · 26/05/2015 10:24

I'm glad you had a nice holiday and you have taken on board some of the responses. Please don't contact the hotel about this guy, it sounds like he was trying to be nice and he could very well lose his job as a result, which I'm sure you won't want.

Oh and btw I think it's fine for them to spend 70 euros on tat on holidays, why not if you can afford it, presumably as you are AI there are very little other costs involved.

murphys · 26/05/2015 10:27

€70 in the amusements over the week?

And yes, 70 euros, a combination of their birthday/pocket/holiday spends from relatives, they spent it on plastic tat and they loved it!

OP you have no need to explain what you or your dc's spend your/their money on. Dolls that has nothing to do with the OP's post...

HermioneGrangerHair · 26/05/2015 10:27

The receptionist didn't "send" them anywhere. He didn't have change, and he told them where they could get some. It's between you and your kids to establish the boundaries and to stick to them.

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2015 10:28

They weren't 'doing the receptionist's job for him'.

The receptionist had no change, so obviously told the boys where they could get some.

Had they been doing his job, they would have taken a bundle of notes from the till and came back with a sack of change for the hotel.

Sorry but as others have said, this is a timely reminder to have a word with your children about going somewhere without checking with you first.

It doesn't matter whether the receptionist was considered a stranger to them or not.

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2015 10:29

X posts with Hermione who said it much more succinctly Blush

ChwatFeechers · 26/05/2015 10:31

As Hermione said.

DoJo · 26/05/2015 10:33

I think I would rather my children went across a busy road by themselves than just wandered off with a stranger to be honest! Echoing what everyone else has said - they are your children and you were in an unfamiliar environment, so if they didn't know not to leave the building without you then that's your responsibility.

Original poster
Chardonnay73 · 26/05/2015 10:36

I'd have been far happier if the receptionist had said, 'sorry kids, haven't got any change tonight, go back to your mum'

I fully accept that sending them to get change on their own in hindsight was the wrong thing to do. Dh and I discussed it and decided it was something ds1 was capable of, (he's got to get the bus in Sept to go to school, so needs to get used to handling money so hence why we let them go). Probably a case of being relaxed in a holiday environment that seemed 'safe' IFYKWIM?

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 26/05/2015 10:39

But then you're still expecting the receptionist to be looking after your children. It's not up to him to tell them to go back to you, if they don't know that, you've messed up letting them out of your sight in the first place.

I think the issue here is you made a mistake, and you feel a bit bad, and you want to shift some of that onto someone else. When really you'd be better off saying ok, that wasn't handled well, lets learn from it and use it to do better in the future.

DixieNormas · 26/05/2015 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FarFromAnyRoad · 26/05/2015 10:42

Do we know for sure that he lied? Parents quite often think their children would never lie. Children do quite often lie.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2015 10:43

Really I understand you want to give your older Ds some independence, but I woukd not have let him go with your 8 year old DS, too much responsibility for him. When your view was obscured, why did you not get up and stand a bit behind your ds so they woukd not know you are there, but you can see what's going on. I woukd not gave chosen to give him independence in an unfamiliar location. I agree, they are your responsibility not the hotels, you totally misjudged tge situation.

Jen1610 · 26/05/2015 10:43

If he's getting the bus himself then I'm sure crossing a road on his own is something he will need to start tackling.

What it comes down to is they should of came back to you to check first and that is where the problem lies because they didnt.

As a receptionist part of your job is to give customers information to make their stay more enjoyable. So your sons needed change. He didn't have any but gave them a solution of where they could get some. Therefore fulfilling that part of his role.

He didn't know you could 'see' the children or where you were or what they are or aren't allowed to do. Your children do.

I do not believe the receptionist is in the wrong in any way at all and YABU.

diddl · 26/05/2015 10:44

I agree that he shouldn't have lied.

But he still didn't send them across the road, did he?

He might have suggested it, but they could/should have still come back to you first.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2015 10:45

Yes chikdren with ASD can lie, my dd 8 who has ASD certainly does sometimes.

Original poster
Chardonnay73 · 26/05/2015 10:47

I have totally accepted that it wasn't the right decision, I have said so in each of my posts!

I am upset about what could have happened, so started this thread to get some perspective as to whether I/we were BU. I still think the guy was lying to us, but that, as others have pointed out is not the real issue here.
The consensus is we did the wrong thing. It was a calculated risk that didn't work and has left me feeling I need to do a lot of work with DS1 before September to get him ready for travelling on public transport.

Parenting is hard, sometimes we get it right, sometimes we don't. This was one of those occasions where we didn't.

OP posts:
diddl · 26/05/2015 10:47

Perhaps he said that he went with them to try to keep them out of trouble?

However, if they came back confused & without money, it sounds as if he didn't go with them.

That & the fact that people arrived to check in!

firesidechat · 26/05/2015 10:48

I don't think sending them to get change is where you went wrong. I would definitely have allowed mine to do that at the same ages. The problem was that they don't have the skills to make sensible decisions when it didn't go according to plan. That is the point of independence - knowing when to come back to you for advice and having some idea about when to trust people.

This is the problem with trying to enforce the whole stranger danger thing. I had to tell my eldest once that you don't get into someone's car if they offer you a lift, even if your mum has known that person for a few months. They were confused about what constituted either a stranger or a danger. A receptionist who your children have seen once a day for a week is most certainly a stranger and no way should the receptionist have abandoned their job and gone off site with them.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2015 10:50

I disagree, yes you drum it into your young child not to go off with strangers, but what will they do when actually confronted with the reality, I am not so confident. Several experiments were done to test this, full permission of the parents were obtained first. A guy goes up,to children in the park and talks to them, and then tells them he has puppies woukd they like to see them. Nearly all the children whose parents were confident that their child woukd not go with strangers, went to left with the man. Frightening really!

rookiemere · 26/05/2015 10:51

Well done OP for sticking round and taking the responses so well.

I don't necessarily think you did the wrong thing - it was your overreaction afterwards with the receptionist that was the problem. Part of growing up is taking on more responsibility - so the boys will have felt quite grown up by going to reception on their own.

They crossed the road and whilst it didn't work out as planned because of miscommunication or lack of understanding between them and the receptionist, no one was hurt and you all learnt an important lesson. Boys - to check with you if plan changes, you - to let them know that they need to tell you if the plan changes.

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2015 10:51

Parenting is hard, sometimes we get it right, sometimes we don't. This was one of those occasions where we didn't.

It's bloody hard isn't it?

I think we've all had occasions where we haven't got it right.

It's how we learn.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 26/05/2015 10:52

There's nothing wrong, in my opinion, with sending a child of 8 to a hotel reception to get change.
I would send my similar age child off down a supermarket aisle to fetch something I had forgotten, while I waited at the checkout for example, or leave him waiting outside the ladies for me in a shopping centre. However, I have drummed into him what to say if anyone approaches him and asks him anything at all : "I need to ask my mum" and run to get me.
I think independence is really important, but the boundaries need to be spelled out really really clearly and simply, especially with asd.

firesidechat · 26/05/2015 10:52

And then there's the old chestnut that people you know well are potentially more of a danger than a random stranger.