to be bit upset with dsis re food?

[wandafull]

Just had dsis and her family

• her dh and two dc- to stay for bank holiday weekend, plus had another ffriend, her family, same number of kids. So, busy house. Dsis sits me down just before she left and told me as nicely as possible that the food situation was a 'bit weird'. To give a bit of context , I was always overweight as a child and this continued into adulthood- really had to do portion control and had a personal trainer for a while to drop down a size. Anyway, I have two dds and definitely do not want them to be over weight. So, they get good healthy three meals a day but no snacks in between. I don't offer snacks to other kids either, when they are here and don't give them it if they ask. Otherwise my dds get very upset when they are not allowed but others are. So I suppose I'm quite careful with adult portions of food now I've lost the weight- as has dh too- and I don't make piles of food when we have guests. Dsis basically told me that her dc were hungry and grumpy and that she hadn't had enough to eat and that it was weird that I offered so little food! She was nice about it but it's got me really quite worried- I offered guests and kids cereal for breakfast at sevenish, then nothing till lunch at 1 and then nothing till kids tea a 5 and adult dinner at 9Ish. Is that weird?

OP. I can go until 1 and even later without food - I don't eat breakfast either - so I get where you are coming from. I am also from the generation where we didn't snack as children. However, I don't expect guests to follow my lead and always have something cooking when we have guests to stay.

My advice would be next time keep the food flowing - you don't have to eat yourself.

OP we have stayed with friends like you; my friend actually caught my husband scoffing on a contraband pasty and was mortified.

I think she had just failed to realise that people have different calorie requirements; her husband 5'8" and about 9.5 stone, mine 6'2" and very active; her little girls small and slight and happy sitting about with a book, my boys growing like the clappers and unable to sit still for a minute.

But we laugh about it now, she has upped the portions when we visit and I also take lots of goodies so we feel fine helping ourselves.

Aw wanda. Be kind to yourself. Your sister sounds lovely btw.

Ooh. My flowers have come out purple.

More to test.

YABVU to restrict your childrens food intake like that - they are effectively on a diet. Did you know that you're predisposing them to be overweight by underfeeding them and not allowing tjem to decide when they are hungry? Nobody is suggesting you allow them to eat endless crap but if you seriosuly think they will be overweight because of a piece of fruit and a couple of breadsticks between meals, then you have a problem. It's very rude to refuse visitors food if they are hungry too. We wouldn't be able to stay with you because my children would suffer and I wouldn't allow that to happen.

Children need snacks. I schedule them mid morning, mid afternoon and bedtime (unless dinner has been late). It is much better for their metabolism and blood sugar levels. Unless your childrens meals are very high in calories, they will have a calorie deficit if you only allow them to eat three times in 24 hours. You are in danger of causing real problems for your children.

Wandafull - my mum had a very controlling attitude towards food, and as a result, I don't think I learned to regulate my own appetite, even when I was a teenager - and I think I developed a disordered relationship with food.

This was partly because we lived right out in the country, and mum didn't drive - plus this was in the days when shops closed at 5pm, and didn't open at all on Sunday's, and by the time dad got home, it was too late to get to the shops, so she did need to be careful, to make sure we didn't run out of things. But it was even healthy stuff that was rationed - I couldn't have an apple, if I was hungry, for example.

She used to buy Pick 'n Mix sweets - they went into a tin (called The Cough Sweet Tin, for some unknown reason), and dsis and I were allowed one each, each day.

I used to steal food at home - if mum was out in the garden, I would go and pull a bit of cold meat off the leftover joint, or I'd take some cornflakes, to eat dry.

When I left home, and had my own money, and no-one checking everything I ate (she would comment if we took more than the 'allowed' amount of butter or sugar or jam etc), I went bonkers, and piled on weight. Even now, food is a large and unhealthy part of my life - I think about food a lot, and where we will be eating is the first thing I tend to think of, when we are thinking about going somewhere.

I am now horribly overweight (to the point where I HATE myself and how I look, but I still fail, over and over again, when I try to lose weight.

Obviously I am not saying that small children can be in charge of how much they eat - as previous posters have said, children can ask for food for other reasons than hunger - boredom etc, but as others have also said, children do have small stomachs and may need their food intake spaced out over three meals plus snacks - and it is worth remembering that you don't have to feed them lots more food, if you introduce snacks - you can space their food out between meals and snacks. And, of course, snacks don't have to be unhealthy - carrot sticks, cherry tomatoes, nuts, fruit, rice cakes - all good snacks, and healthy too.

It's the hight of bad manners for guests to be hungry.

I don't see any problems with timings, I think people nowadays eat constantly. More that the meals offered were not filling.

We have 2 small children aged 4 and 5 and allow snacks if they ask but that's probably only once a week maybe. Otherwise we all eat roughly 8am, 2pm and 8pm.

Breakfast is something like eggs, sausage,spinach, mushrooms plus greek yogurt and fruit. Not just a bowl of cereal. They are then full until lunch time around 2pm. Ds1 has lunch at school now at 1pm and he often says he ate but was still a bit full.

It's also the height of bad manners to pile onto an aibu thread when the OP has admitted that they need to review their thinking. (I don't mean helpful, insightful posts like SDTG and the like).

Well done on your weight loss OP. Please don't feel bad about the comments or this thread but see them as a way of understanding other perspectives. I am short and slim, I eat small amounts of food but pretty much constantly. I've never had to diet, in fact I've had to drink protein shakes to maintain weight which I suppose tells you that people are very different.

Why not try having healthy snacks for your DCs and letting them chose whether they eat them or not?

oh OP, it must be hard, both the conversation with your sister and then a thread of so many people telling you the same thing.

You really wouldn't be the first person to swap one disordered eating habit for another, just at the other extent.

I think the kindest thing you can do for your DDs is to allow them to learn to stop eating when they are full, not when the food runs out, because while you decide when the food runs out now, when they are adults, they won't have that. Or they will take in the view that restricting food is a good thing, another problem to deal with.

It does sound like you aren't giving your DDs enough food through the day as well. This really doesn't bode well.

And you do seem to view food as the enemy, not a pleasurable thing.

Some of us haven't got time to trawl through the whole thread, Mardy

My mum was exactly like you. Me, my brother & my sister all obese. Make of that what you will.

Bob your nan sounds like me and my family. My dh loves going to my mums especially at Xmas as there was always lovely yummy food.

Op as a matter of interest what did you serve for lunch and for dinner?

I mean this in a nice way but could you run us a boot camp and we lose weight? I could do with shifting a stone . Sounds like you have a plan that works

I think you should trawl through a thread that you intend to comment on. I have just read the whole thing. I agree, I think the OP has got the point! You can stop telling her how unreasonable she is.

OP, sorry you are feeling raw. It is all ok. I am sure you can have a good think about it and maybe change a few things if you feel like it.

I would struggle badly on nothing more substantial than cereal for 5 hours or so. In fact, the mid morning sugar crash that resulted would leave me feeling quite ill.

Even if you're not eating feast quantities of food, yourself, it wouldn't hurt to have plenty of eggs, cheese, fruit, good bread etc on hand so that hungry guests can help themselves.

Just to add, as soon as I could, I was stealing dry bread, dry cereal, even weetabix, to stuff in my mouth after school as dinner wasnt until 6.30pm and we were not allowed any snacks. I found out years later my siblings did the same.

I think the kindest thing you can do for your DDs is to allow them to learn to stop eating when they are full, not when the food runs out, because while you decide when the food runs out now, when they are adults, they won't have that. Or they will take in the view that restricting food is a good thing, another problem to deal with.

^ very very good point

OP has admitted she has to re-adjust her thinking regarding food, don't pile on with 'well I feed my kids ...... and you're starving yours'

This reminds me of somewhere we used to visit with similarly strict food rules. We'd we so starving by the time we left that we'd have to go the McDonald's (which I loathe to go to) on the way home as we'd be so starving. If the DCs went without me I'd have to give them secret snack food to keep them going!

OP I know how hard it is to lose weight but part of your 'recovery from obesity' is to learn to be around others who eat more.

I think the op has a good idea now of her behaviour being inhospitable & perhaps ott. Good luck with getting to grips with a happy medium.
My mum has always been overweight. I remember my first diets at around age 8. She will always comment on someone's weight,she gets short shrift when she discusses mine. Now she gets my sister to raise the issue.

In fairness to the OP it is very easy to underestimate what guests will eat. My mum (who lives alone and is used to shopping for one) never buys enough milk or fruit or cereal when we visit, she's just not used to the quantities of breakfast cereal and grapes and bananas that older kids can put away. We always pitch up with a bag or two of shopping so this isn't a problem!

I don't think kids need to snack endlessly (even young ones), but refusing snacks point blank to the point that your kids cry about it isn't encouraging healthy attitudes to food either. There is a happy medium.

OP my DC are 5 & 2 and the eldest knows and understands that we eat differently if we are with friends than we do when it is just us. For example, in the park with friends we may have an ice cream, if just us, we don't; if we have friends over for a meal there will be pudding, if just us there probably won't be although they may have fruit or a yogurt.
FWIW, we regularly have various friends with similar aged DC to stay/go & stay ourselves & the routine is along the lines of friends arrive Sat about 3pm & we have cake & tea, children's tea at 5pm after which we get wine & crisps out. We tend to start reminding the DC about bed at 6.30ish at which stage I will always check with the parents if they think the DC may want anything else to eat & say that there is toast, cereal, yogurt etc. Adult dinner won't be before 8.30pm but that is because settling the DC can take a while. On Sunday morning, I or DP get up by 7.30am (or earlier if young children who can't be downstairs unsupervised) and give all the DC cereal or toast. We then do full English for everyone about 10.00ish. We generally head off to the beach or an NT place with either a picnic or to go to a cafe.
I also keep an eye out to see if a child clearly doesn't like the meal on offer & see if there is a quick substitute I can do. We went to friends once and they had done macaroni cheese. They had checked in advance & I said DD liked it. They hadn't mentioned it was 80% mustard and in both mine & DD'S opinion vile. I struggled through mine but was delighted & relieved when my friend picked up on DD'S expression (not hard!) and offered her the cold excess pasta which DD wolfed down.

Well, I think it was a bit weird of your sister not to have mentioned it as soon as she noticed

YANU not unreasonable to routinely give snacks although I think you mustn't be too strict and you shouldn't enforce it on others.

I didn't give my kids many snacks at all but when they were younger they had an extra light meal (snack?) after school. I'd give snacks if needed eg after swimming or if they were ill but I dint give them as a matter of course. I didn't keep snacks in the house and I still don't. They are all slim adults and they all can go without snacking. None of them seem to have any food issues.

Breakfast bowl of cereal
Lunch sandwich and piece of fruit
Tea soup or something light like a piece toast
Supper

I think that if you give snacks then the DC don't eat properly at meal times so they then need snacks.