to tell DH I will feed myself

[DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel]

DH does the cooking in our house. He plans (with a bit of help) and cooks our evening meals.

I, however would like to lose some weight. While I realise that its down to me what goes in my mouth. DH doesnt exactly encourage or support me. When I tell him I want to eat less or cut out certain foods he reacts with a comment along the lines of not having fun. Tonight when I said I need to stop eating crap like bicuits, ice cream, chocolate his reaction was about eating boring.

Im considering the only way I am going to be able to succeed in losing weight is to sort my own food out with what I want rather than what he wants to cook. I dont want high carbs every night. I dont want a massive amount of calories. But I kind of feel like I have to eat what he cooks. Tonight it was jacket potato with cheese and beans, tomorrow it is burgers and mash with beans. We also have sausage and chips on Thursday.

Im thinking of 5:2 with a little bit of low carbing. If I continue to let DH cook for me, I have no chance of sticking to my plans.

If you brought in a bag of salad, how would your DH react if you asked to have that on your plate instead of chips?

I think that you need to eat less. You can leave it on your plate. Yes its food waste but its wasted if it just makes you unhealthy and fatter anyway. It took me years to leave food but i feel much better for it. Assertive leaving some is the way to go and ignore the huffing and comments.

How can the OP use these suggestions if her husband won't let her?

I lost some weight by simply swapping 'white' food for salad or veg. DH likes to cook and this was an easy way for him to know what I might like to avoid. It's not the fastest way to lose weight, but does help.

Avoiding processed food as a long term goal for everyone is always a good move.

Can you afford to eat ready meals instead of the processed rubbish that your DH 'cooks'?

The M&S healthy ones are OK and calorie controlled.

Sounds like you all need a diet overhaul TBH. Do your DCs get to eat a reasonable amount of fruit and veg?

Because he doesn't put the food in her mouth Iwishiwasasarah, she does. She can only eat one sausage etc She can pick up a bag of salad and fill half her plate with that. She can leave the chips. He isn't force feeding her presumably

Here's my penny's-worth.

Have a proper breakfast, not a smoothie. Smoothies might have good nutrition but because you don't chew they don't send the 'I'm full" message to the brain. Have a good bowl of muesli and slowly crunch your way through it.

Don't snack. You are SUPPOSED to feel hungry before each meal. Once you get your head round this, you won't need to worry about fad diets and not eating a chip or two.

Add some green veg to your evening meal. Add salad by all means but personally I find for an evening meal a nice brocolli or peas fits better with a hot meal. Just replace the beans.

Ta-da!

"I dont like healthy food so Im looking to cut down on the food I do eat and make the odd substitution here and there to healthier options."

Ok then, so what exactly was your question again?

If you're eating fairly well in the day (consider swapping some fruit for veg like carrot and cucumber sticks), if you can add veg to your meals at night and follow portion control you should still be able to lose weight. Have a look at Paul Mckenna's I can make you thin. 4 golden rules: eat when you're hungry, eat what you want, eat consciously and stop when you're full. Where do you eat dinner? In front of the TV? These rules suggest you sit at a table and chew each mouthful 20 times. You'll be amazed how quickly you feel full and how good food tastes! We're often so busy with other things while we eat (on our phones, watching TV) we don't even realise we're eating and suddenly the food has gone! If you try this technique you'll find it easier to cope with the issue of the portion size.

I would go with prepping a side of veg and then just having a smaller bit of what he has cooked.

I work better on a high fat lowish carb diet. So from your list I would eat the bolognaise sauce and not the pasta, the cheese and beans and skip the potato, sausages but no (well maybe a couple ) chips etc.

Do you think you don't even need the extra veg if you can't be bothered. It is OK to be hungry, nothing bad happens if you get really hungry. It can take a bit of a head change to realise this.

I often skip meals here and there, I get a bit hungry, nothing bad happens.

I'm a bit pissed off at all the comments saying it's 100% her fault if she's putting the wrong things in her mouth.

So if your spouse was an alcoholic trying to stay off drink, you would still buy wine to keep in the house, for yourself, because it's his job to have the willpower not to touch it?

If a smoker, you would still offer your friend who has just given up a cigarette, or blow smoke in their face, because it's their job to resist temptation, not your fault if they can't?

Eating too much is a behavioural problem, we are only as strong as the weakest point in our lifestyle. Tricks like not having the forbidden food in the house (let alone on the plate in front of you) are not optional add-ons, they are often essential to any hope of success.

I suppose people are saying that it's impossible to get a spouse to stop sabotaging you, other than by leaving them, so you do just have to rely on willpower. However it is a fact that living with someone else can create holes in your defences that would not otherwise exist. It's sanctimonious to pretend they aren't part of the problem, even if accepting that doesn't help with the solution.

He doesn't care about his own health - fine.

But what about your DC's health?

They should be eating some vegetables, too, not just beans and potatoes.

So, just have smaller portions of what DH cooks, with some salad or veg, and make sure the DC have salad or veg, as well.

Perhaps you need to seriously discuss this with your DH. Tell him how important it is to you. Explain that it seems that by refusing to help you in this, he is showing he doesn't care about you. (He may well think that he is showing he cares by giving you the food you like. It's not that he's not being caring, he may just not realise how important this is to you.)

Anyway, if you've done this, and he's still dismissing you, you have bigger problems than losing a couple of stone.

The problem as I see it from reading this, is that the OP eats too much. She knows she eats too much and eats the wrong things but seem completely passive about changing it. I also suspect that she has been like this for a whole and possibly the dh is fed up of her following dad diets that never work.

Op, if he cooks healthy food, you don't like it. So currently you just need smaller portions serve yourself or if dh dishes the food out. Remove some from your plate. And start trying new healthy foods.

Theor I agree with you. My DH has a bit of a problem with alcohol....he will if he's feeling weak happily drink a couple of beers nightly....that's too much...so he works hard to avoid....I don't drink much but if I fancy a beer, I don't go out and get one if he's trying not to indulge...it's not on.

I disagree about the smoking/drinking comparison.

We don't need to smoke or drink, but we need to drink. High fat food or chips can have a place in a good diet, but it's about getting the balance right.

Different members of my family have different requirements. If I cook a meal there will be a protein element, a carbohydrate, at least one veg and usually salad. Although we are all eating the same meal we eat what we need.
DD does 20 hours of dance class a week, and although she loves her veg, I tend to load her plate up with more carbs and protein.
My teenage son has a tendancy to put on weight so I serve him a huge pile of the veg and protein and ut down on the carbs.

OH often cooks at the weekend, he has a liking for protein and carbs, so I will sustly up a tray of roasted veg, make a salad or pull out some microwaveable veg bags to serve with it.

How hard is it?

Prop but fatty foods and overeating are addictions just like smoking etc.

I disagree- it may be compulsive behaviour, but it is not an addiction.

I think the only reliable way round this is to work out a meal plan and compromise. You want a long-term change that you and your DH can stick to, and that means you need to come up with a clear routine which takes all of the thinking, awkwardness, and uncertainty out of mealtimes.

Since you're (sensibly) planning to cut down on unhealthy choices in order to lose weight, now is a good time to start adding healthier new choices of foods into your routine. In order for these changes to work, you'll probably need to accept that it'll take you a while to go from finding the new tastes and textures pleasant rather than just tolerable. However, once you've adjusted to a few new tastes, you'll find that it becomes a lot easier to enjoy other healthy food choices that you wouldn't previously have tried.

Here's what I'd do:

Agree on a day to do the food shopping. The specifics of the new week's meal plan should be agreed the previous day, but the basic routine stays the same and is as follows...

On Monday, Wednesday and Friday, DH makes something which you're happy to serve yourself a small portion of (e.g. pepper, kale and spinach frittata with steamed veg; chicken balti with brown rice; chilli with lean mince and brown rice). Make a list of meals for him to choose from. You've had lots of good suggestions here, and there are plenty more online.

On Tuesday, Thursday and the weekend, DH makes whatever he likes and you make something easy for yourself. I sympathise with your reluctance to try new things, but it will be worth it - I used to think I hated fish, but it turns out that it tastes fine when cooked right (which is easy) and makes me feel very good afterwards.

Some suggestions:

• Get a small fillet of rainbow trout/mackerel/cod/pollock/halibut/whatever, put it onto a large sheet of foil and sprinkle pepper and garlic (or one of those ready-made seasonings like Schwartz Fish). Fold the edges of the foil over the fillet to make a parcel (like wrapping a present). Open up the foil parcel slightly so you can pour in a couple of tablespoons of sunflower oil and lemon juice, and then pat the edges of the foil back down. Stick it in the oven on 180 for about 30 mins. While it's cooking, boil some brown rice and peas. Easy! (If you do this, I recommend getting prepared fillets of fish so you don't have to faff about with bones.)
• As above, but with a sprinkling of chilli powder, pepper, garlic, ginger, sunflower oil and lemon juice as seasoning.
• As above, but with chicken breast or thighs instead of fish.
• Souvlaki: Cut up some chicken or pork into tiny pieces and grill them. Make Greek salad while you're waiting to turn the meat on the grill. When the meat is done, mix it with the salad and wrap it up in a pita bread/fajita wrap. Season with pepper and lemon juice.

The above is all really easy to do, tastes nice, and will take 30 mins or less to prepare.

Hope this helps.

Eating biscuits/ice cream etc. surely isn't your husbands problem? That is up to you?

As to meals, just eat what's on offer in smaller portions, and skip desert?

On my phone at lunch so cant respond to all queries

mintyy the question is how do I get my DH on board?

We eat round a dining table as a family.

So going forward I am going to insist on veg or salad with the meals and cut down portion sizes even if it means scraping some off my plate before I sit down.

I very rarely have deserts and in regards to biscuits etc dh knows I like them as does he so they are there calling me. My willpower regarding them is much higher now I'm at work.

Its really the evening meals that needs the biggest overhaul

Would it be more or less helpful to have the food in the middle in serving bowls so you can serve yourself?

At the very least, you could put the salad and veg there so the DCs have the option as well.

I do most of the cooking in our house and I do sometimes make things like baked potatoes, pasta and sausages – I like them – but I will have a small bit and then have lots of salad or veg with it. If we have chips or something I'll just have one or two.

You can make clear you will be putting your food on your plate and you will be in charge of that. Then go to the fridge and add your salad or veg, or just eat the smaller bit.

I think he's making a fuss because he just wants to eat lots of carbs and feels judged by you wanting to be more healthy. Stand up to it – "excuse me, you can huff and puff all you like but if I want to cut down a bit that's up to me." Keep saying stuff like that – eye-rolling doesn't mean you have to give in to him. Take the piss (in a lighthearted way). "Oh you're rolling your eyes again. Have they come loose? Anyway, this is what I'm having."

Your meal list you posted upthread made me feel pretty sad for you and your kids - and a bit angry at your DH.

If that's a typical example of your diets, then I'm afraid your DH doesn't 'cook', he assembles a mixture of mainly fast food items on plates. With the possible exception of the bolognaise I admit - however, no veg there either, I'll be bound. Minimal effort, maximum fat, sugar and additives - and he gets to think 'Oh yes, I'm the cook, I do a great job for MY family!' He doesn't.

It's a massively unhealthy diet, and an absolutely terrible example to show your kids. I'm sure your answer might be 'they're really active and there's not an ounce of fat on them' - but that's not the point, the point of modelling healthy eating is that you create good food habits for the rest of their lives. You currently consider yourself, as an adult, overweight and unhealthy - you are setting your children up to be the same, as soon as they stop running about and start sitting at desks. Who will also say 'I don't like healthy food' - as if 'healthy food' translates as 'weird odd stuff that doesn't taste as nice as my chips'. That's tragic and sounds as if you're missing out on SO much.

How do you get him to change? Maybe show him this thread? Or point out that his selfishness in making sure his lazy, sugar and carb addicted approach is not only ruining his health and yours, but also that of your children?

And for yourself- it's great that you can see where the problem lies. Can I suggest that for yourself, you maybe speak to friends or family that are more 'foody' and get some recipes from them to try? A simple veg curry, ratatouille, fancy salads, suggestions for lovely tasty oils/vinegars/spices to stock up on? The notion of 'healthy food' being something special and boring and effort-filled is so wide of the mark, and with your attitude changing I'm sure it wouldn't take much before you end up experimenting a bit and getting completely converted. Hopefully, your DH might then follow suit.