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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why am I the one with the disability?

142 replies

Jellybellybeans · 18/05/2015 13:08

I went to a theme park yesterday for my birthday treat. It was quite busy but I put my brave face on and tried to enjoy it. The queue's were a nightmare. Not time wise, the waiting time wasn't so bad. But everyone squeezing on top of each other.

I can't deal with it. It doesn't get you on the ride any faster. I kept asking the people behind me to give me a bit of space. I told them I was autistic and can't cope with them breathing down my neck. Were they understanding? Were they fuck. Responses ranged from eye rolling, to tutting, to 'well if you don't like clear off'. The final straw was one bloke who kept bumping into me as he chatted to his mates. I feel myself heading for meltdown so push my way back out of the queue to get away. That didn't go down well either.

Then a kind member of staff advises me to go get an exit pass so I can avoid the queues. Great idea. Except now I have to deal with snarky comments because I'm 'jumping the queue'.

In the end it all gets too much so I call it a day and go home. I saw me occupational therapist today and she's talking about how it's common for people with autism to struggle with days out like this. It's part of the disability.

AIBU to be think, in which case my disability isn't me, it's other people and their failings?

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 18/05/2015 16:42

For what it's worth Jellybeans, I see her holding a grudge for 7 years as something she really should get fixed. It's over the top and self indulgent beyond anything that your outfit could have provoked.

manicinsomniac · 18/05/2015 16:45

AuntyMag10 I said "I always think it is ironic that the people with the least empathy for people with autism are neurotypical people!" because perceived wisdom says that neurotypical people are capable of empathy and people with autism aren't; which a) isn't true. Whilst people with autism may find it hard to read social situations and facial expressions, they are NOT devoid of empathy; and b), if neurotypical people are so great at empathy, why are they so rubbish at showing empathy towards people with autism who may find certain things in the world very difficult to deal with?

Absolutely. I know some children with autism (never met an autistic adult sorry, but I'm sure they're the same) who are great with empathy.

I, on the other hand, am NT but am absolutely incapable of empathy. I just can't do it. I've learned to understand how people must be feeling and adjust my own behaviour accordingly. I can also sympathise. But actually empathise. Nope. Not a clue how to do that. I also can't tell when people are lying. It's strange, it's like there's a whole intuitive part of my brain missing or something.

Re the wedding - your sister blowing up and cutting you off was ridiculous and unkind. But it isn't a disability, it's her being unreasonable. Whereas you not understanding the dress conventions is part of your disability and is therefore reasonable.

I think maybe I'm confused about what you think or want to hear - are you saying that you don't feel you do have a disability? And that if other people adjusted to you you wouldn't need any support? If that's the case then, personally, I think you're wrong but you have a perfectly valid and often supported viewpoint.

YouTheCat · 18/05/2015 16:46

I was just about to say the same, Pagwatch.

Who holds a grudge for 7 years over what someone wore to their wedding, unless they're wearing a t-shirt with a picture of the bride's ex on it or something?

Original poster

Jellybellybeans · 18/05/2015 16:46

00100001 I take it you have no experience of autism and what it's like to be autistic. I'm sure there were discussions about the wedding, but they didn't include me. Like many, many adults with autism I'm invisible even to my own family. They have a whole social connection that hasn't ever involved me. I know my mum speaks to my sister every day and sees her once or twice a week. She speaks to me once every few of months and sees me once every year or two.

OP posts:

rumbelina · 18/05/2015 16:46

Stop giving the OP a hard time, she didn't come on here to get all this grief.

You're being like the people who tutted and rolled their eyes when she asked for some space.

Baddz · 18/05/2015 16:47

Fair enough.
But to say you dont understand why jeans and trainers are not suitable?...dont buy it.
It's understandable to say that's what you want to wear, and that's all you are prepared to wear, but that you don't understand why its frowned upon?
I repeat...it's odd your sister or family didn't explain this to you.

YouTheCat · 18/05/2015 16:47

*that not what

YouTheCat · 18/05/2015 16:49

Baddz, you really are showing a total lack of empathy about autism.

And also, what rumblelina said about the tutters. I reckon there's a whole load of them on this thread.

Baddz · 18/05/2015 16:50

Jelly....x posts re your family.
Well....if your sister or family didn't take the time to explain their expectations then it seems it's all been a big misunderstanding.
7 years is a bit excessive to hold a grudge tbh.
Weddings and funerals....bring out the worst in people ime.

ProudAS · 18/05/2015 16:52

OP - I feel for you. I'm autistic too and am amazed at the number of people who think we can just switch it off or that being aggressive and shouty towards us when we are stressed is going to help.

MNERS - quit judging the OP by neurotypical standards. I would not go to a wedding in jeans but am not overly surprised at another person on the spectrum doing so. What is so obvious to an NT that the concept of not knowing it seems alien may not be obvious to an individual with autism.

OneWaySystemBlues · 18/05/2015 16:52

As to the wedding, I think it depends on who's wedding it is and how much they understand about autism. If it were my wedding and you were my sister, I wouldn't give a shiny shit if you turned up in jeans, because I'd want you there and wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable. Thank god my brother in law and his wife didn't care that my son went to their wedding in track suit trousers, t shirt and trainers. At that point he literally could not have worn anything else and if they'd insisted in him dressing up we wouldn't all have been able to go. I'd have understood and respected their decision, but I would have been sad that we all couldn't be there.

Your sister probably doesn't understand autism very well and how difficult these things are. If she did, she could have told you what was expected and help you to find something that you both were happy with. If she didn't tell you, how can you be expected to know? She is assuming you knew, which you obviously didn't. But if she doesn't understand autism enough to know to do that, then I can see how things went wrong.

I get how it is often other people who are being unreasonable and not understanding; but I guess it's a balance between what you want things to be like (how they should be in an ideal world) and the reality of what people are actually like and trying to find a compromise in situations where you might find things difficult. For a while we literally stopped doing things my son found difficult because it was too stressful for everyone, not just him. We know his limits and try and stick to them, making sure we have contingency plans etc. etc. I don't see why you should give up doing stuff you like, but perhaps try going on quieter days, getting the exit pass and taking someone with you who can field off the people tutting... not easy though.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/05/2015 16:54

Baddz
I think Jelly's position is quite logical. Why is there a social rule that for certain occasions people have to dress up in clothes that might look nice but not be very comfortable or warm enough because someone else has asked you to or because it is expected? Its not necessarily obvious, especially if you view clothing as functional.

Just because a social rule exists doesn't mean it is obvious or even entirely sensible.

Pagwatch · 18/05/2015 16:54

Baddz.

Could you just confirm that you are aware that you are
a) being rude
B) displaying an astonishing ignorance of autism and
C) appearing determined to try and criticise the op for a manifestation of her disability.

I'm hoping it will help me understand what exactly you are trying to achieve.

Either you know fuck all about autism and can't read the ops posts properly.

Or you are just winding up a person with autism on the Internet for the lols

Baddz · 18/05/2015 16:55

Am I?
I have autistic family members....
except we talk to them, and include them in our lives. My cousin wore a lovely outfit to my wedding. We discussed it many times. It was great fun helping her choose.
That doesn't seem to happen in ops family.
Many posters asked her if her family had spoken to her about the expectations of the wedding.
Perhaps if she had explained that in her op then people would not have made assumptions?
But, hey...that's ok.
You just made assumptions about me!

Original poster

Jellybellybeans · 18/05/2015 16:58

I've just remembered my first job interview. I wore a yellow tracksuit with pictures of kittens on it and cat ears on the hood. The interview was to work in finance. At the time it never occured to me that it wasn't appropriate. It was my very best, favourite outfit so that's why I wore it, because to me that's what looked best. I only began to doubt at the interview when I saw all the other candidates wearing suits.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/05/2015 16:58

badzz

I'm going to explain this to you like I explain my older children to my youngest.

"X' brain works in a different way to yours."

There you go.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 18/05/2015 16:59

Op, are you male or female please?

Pagwatch · 18/05/2015 17:00

Well at least I made assumptions based upon what you wrote. You chose to disbelieve the op about her own condition in order to make yours.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/05/2015 17:02

If you have autistic family members Baddz then why in fuck do you think it's ok to post like that to the OP?

Baddz · 18/05/2015 17:03

Please.....tell me you got the job!!?

My Cousins choice of outfit for my wedding was interesting for a May wedding! (It involved fur) But she loved it, looked nice and in fact liked it so much that she wore if for my Sils wedding many years later.
As with so many things (sn included) so many misunderstandings could be avoided if people just communicated more/better.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/05/2015 17:03

Oh and I wear what ever I want to work.

One of my kids mostly wears onesies because he likes to dress himself and that's what he can manage and cope with seam wise.

He recently had work experance in a office,in advance we had a meeting about his needs and they were fine with a onsie all they specified was could it be plain black.
It's called making a disability related accomadation

Baddz · 18/05/2015 17:04

Well...I think the ops family let her down here.
Sorry if that offends.
If the sister expected a certain dress code then they should have communicated that to the op. Her choice then whether she could cope with that or not.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/05/2015 17:06

Yes they did. But why attack and quite unpleasantly interrogate Her about her understanding

Pagwatch · 18/05/2015 17:07

'Haha , yes my relative dresses in any unconventional way to but we talk to each other. So I called you mean and a liar but hey - just communicate more with the sister who isn't talking to you and the mum you hardly see'

Such insight.m

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 18/05/2015 17:08

op, I'm asking about your gender because I believe it does make a difference in how people treat you. Males on the spectrum don't get much feedback on what is expected of them socially/in general IMO, whereas females get far more aggressively socialised and so don't run into these problems as much. I think that's a shame for males as it means they are left floundering a lot more.

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