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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why am I the one with the disability?

142 replies

Jellybellybeans · 18/05/2015 13:08

I went to a theme park yesterday for my birthday treat. It was quite busy but I put my brave face on and tried to enjoy it. The queue's were a nightmare. Not time wise, the waiting time wasn't so bad. But everyone squeezing on top of each other.

I can't deal with it. It doesn't get you on the ride any faster. I kept asking the people behind me to give me a bit of space. I told them I was autistic and can't cope with them breathing down my neck. Were they understanding? Were they fuck. Responses ranged from eye rolling, to tutting, to 'well if you don't like clear off'. The final straw was one bloke who kept bumping into me as he chatted to his mates. I feel myself heading for meltdown so push my way back out of the queue to get away. That didn't go down well either.

Then a kind member of staff advises me to go get an exit pass so I can avoid the queues. Great idea. Except now I have to deal with snarky comments because I'm 'jumping the queue'.

In the end it all gets too much so I call it a day and go home. I saw me occupational therapist today and she's talking about how it's common for people with autism to struggle with days out like this. It's part of the disability.

AIBU to be think, in which case my disability isn't me, it's other people and their failings?

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/05/2015 15:13

I have sympathy for the queuing, I don't know anyone who enjoys that sort of situation and I'm NT. I think that for NT people its an uncomfortable situation but not an unbearable one.

Different events have different clothing rules / dress codes. Jeans and Trainers at a wedding are generally not acceptable (depending on the wedding). Most people would expect formal clothing at a wedding and jeans and trainers, even designer ones, are not formal clothing they are casual clothing.

rumbelina · 18/05/2015 15:14

OP I'm not autistic but I would LOVE one of those jackets Grin

YANBU

rumbelina · 18/05/2015 15:17

I would say it's not different events that have different rules but different people.

Most men went to my dad's wedding in jeans and trainers. People dressed up for mine because they wanted to but if anyone had come in jeans and trainers because they felt uncomfortable in anything else we wouldn't have cared a jot. There are WAAAAAY more important things in life. Like someone we care about enjoying the day.

Original poster
Jellybellybeans · 18/05/2015 15:24

Why are they not acceptable? The event is about 2 people joining together, what difference does what I'm wearing make? It makes no sense at all. It would be better if I wore something more pleasing to others but which made me feel uncomfortable all day?

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/05/2015 15:30

Jelly
For some people is a formal occasion and so there is an expectation that people dress formally as an acknowledgement of the importance of the event. The thing is that it isn't about what makes you happy its about what the bride and groom have asked for. Sometimes wedding invitations will have a dress code on them e.g. lounge suit or black tie.

Usually, if I attend formal events there will be a dress code and you would be expected to keep to it. We have a dress code at work too so I couldn't come in to work in jeans and trainers either.

TheMummalo · 18/05/2015 15:31

Jelly I get what your saying but to keep the peace I go with the flow at formal occasions.

Then when I've shown my face and no ones looking I get the hell out Wink

AuntyMag10 · 18/05/2015 15:31

I think Chaz explains it well. For that one day it isn't about you and the wishes of the couple should be respected especially as she was your sister.

Original poster
Jellybellybeans · 18/05/2015 15:38

So the dress code is more important than the guests. The guests are like film extras, to make it look right and create a certain image. My sister didn't want me at her wedding, she wanted her imaginary version of me.Confused

OP posts:
Casimir · 18/05/2015 15:39

I wear earplugs. Extends my crowd tolerance by hours.

Sirzy · 18/05/2015 15:43

We borrowed a wheelchair from Alton towers for DS last year as he couldn't cope with the walking around there. Alton towers were fab and also gave us an access pass for the rides and the amount of people who complained about us "queue jumping" was amazing. I did say to one woman that she could have DS fast past if she would also have his disability.

So many people are just ignorant. It's quite scary just how ignorant people are in this day and age.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/05/2015 15:43

Jelly
For some people, I'm afraid that is true - the image of the perfect day they have in their head is the most important thing. In my view, they've missed the point but people generally respect the bride and groom's wishes at their wedding; even if they don't completely agree with them.

AuntyMag10 · 18/05/2015 15:44

You are perfectly entitled to how you feel but your sisters wedding day was not the place to prove points.

museumum · 18/05/2015 15:45

I am neurotypical (as far as i'm aware) and i cannot bear people nudging against me in queues... i hate it soooo much... it's sooo rude and drives me insane. I find check-in queues at airports worst... people nudging forward and forward and forward like we can all just shove our way past the check in desk... god i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!

TheMummalo · 18/05/2015 15:49

My sister didn't want me at her wedding, she wanted her imaginary version of me.

...and everyone else Wink

Weddings really confuse me, they seem more important than the actual marriage to some people.

Original poster
Jellybellybeans · 18/05/2015 15:51

I wasn't trying to prove any point. Confused I was invited to an event, I made a special effort to dress nicely and went to the event. My efforts were not appreciated as they didn't comply with other people's expectations. I had no idea what other people's expectations were, they didn't share them with me. The first I knew about this was when my sister blew her top at me. I'm now trying to process it and understand why because it doesn't sense to me.

OP posts:
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 18/05/2015 15:54

I will admit before I had Ds I didn't have a clue about autism.

Having a child with asd is hard work but I have learned so much about asd and the effects it has.

I took him to legoland as I knew that they did fast track for people with disabilities. I did have to provide a letter stating his Dx

We tend to go to theme parks when it's a teachers training day as it is so much quieter and more pleasurable for him.

00100001 · 18/05/2015 15:55

"So the dress code is more important than the guests. The guests are like film extras, to make it look right and create a certain image. My sister didn't want me at her wedding, she wanted her imaginary version of me.confused"

Do you go to work in Jeans and Trainers everyday? You can seem to wear different clothes for work, so I find it hard to believe that only jeans and trainers are comfortable for you, so you could have worn something else to her wedding :/

No-one is saying the dress code is more important, but it is important. And if you can wear clothes Other than jeans/trainers (which I'm guessing you can) then, you could have considered her feelings too, and perhaps tried something less casual.

00100001 · 18/05/2015 15:56

" I had no idea what other people's expectations were, they didn't share them with me."

So this is the very first wedding you've ever seen? You've never seen a wedding on the TV... in a magazine... in photos?

Original poster
Jellybellybeans · 18/05/2015 16:03

I wear black stretchy, comfortable trousers and black trainers at work.

This was the first wedding I've been to that I can remember.

OP posts:
00100001 · 18/05/2015 16:04

you've never seen a wedding on TV? In a film? in any pictures?

00100001 · 18/05/2015 16:05

what tops do you wear to work?

BeyondDoesBootcamp · 18/05/2015 16:06

Mummalo, thank you for that wedding comment, its exactly how i felt about mine!!

Luckily i was bridesmaid for both of my sisters Grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/05/2015 16:06

Sorry you had a bad experience, that must have been awful for you Jellybelly. Like Magelanic, I'm not autistic but also can't bear being crowded like that - it makes me quite shaky!
I love the idea of the electric shock jackets, might have to get one of those.

mumeeee · 18/05/2015 16:07

00100001 yes Jellybellybeans should have worn something else to the wedding but she did not understand or realise that jeans and trainers would not an acceptable outfit to wear. The were new, clean and comfortable. She didn't know she was hurting her sisters feelings.
Jellybellybeans sometimes it is important to follow a dress code and wear something more formal to an event like a wedding. If your don't like or are uncomfortable in a dress or skirt you could have worn a smart trouser suit. That's what my MIL wore to DD1's wedding and we were all happy with that. I think you should try and apologise to your sister and tell her you didn't realise that jeans and trainers weren't acceptable clothing for a wedding.
But going back to your original post those people were being rude and you were completely entitled to have an exit pass. Some people just don't have any empathy for others and just think of themselves.

ApocalypseNowt · 18/05/2015 16:07

You have my sympathy with the theme park. People can be rude and behave in ways i'm sure they normally wouldn't in their 'normal' lives.

But I do think your being a bit u with regards to the wedding. You really had no idea? Surely your normal black trousers and a nice top would have been preferable to jeans?