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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why am I the one with the disability?

142 replies

Jellybellybeans · 18/05/2015 13:08

I went to a theme park yesterday for my birthday treat. It was quite busy but I put my brave face on and tried to enjoy it. The queue's were a nightmare. Not time wise, the waiting time wasn't so bad. But everyone squeezing on top of each other.

I can't deal with it. It doesn't get you on the ride any faster. I kept asking the people behind me to give me a bit of space. I told them I was autistic and can't cope with them breathing down my neck. Were they understanding? Were they fuck. Responses ranged from eye rolling, to tutting, to 'well if you don't like clear off'. The final straw was one bloke who kept bumping into me as he chatted to his mates. I feel myself heading for meltdown so push my way back out of the queue to get away. That didn't go down well either.

Then a kind member of staff advises me to go get an exit pass so I can avoid the queues. Great idea. Except now I have to deal with snarky comments because I'm 'jumping the queue'.

In the end it all gets too much so I call it a day and go home. I saw me occupational therapist today and she's talking about how it's common for people with autism to struggle with days out like this. It's part of the disability.

AIBU to be think, in which case my disability isn't me, it's other people and their failings?

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/05/2015 16:09

Jelly
I think that you may just have to accept that there are certain social rules about what you wear in certain situations. Some formal events like weddings and funerals do often have social and cultural expections about what you wear. Unless someone has told you the usual social or cultural rules don't apply then you should assume that they do. For example, I would usually wear smart black or dark coloured clothes to a funeral in Britain unless I was told otherwise. I would wear smart formal clothes to a wedding (probably not black as that is sombre and it is usually considered bad manners to wear white as that is the bride's colour) unless it was made clear that a more relaxed dress code applies.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 18/05/2015 16:11

Adhering to a dress code indicates your level of respect for the people and the situation, so wearing something informal to a wedding, however nice quality, will not appear as respectful as wearing, say, a dress from Coast. Your sister was upset because of the implied lack of caring on your part, not at the clothes per se.

Original poster
Jellybellybeans · 18/05/2015 16:12

what tops do you wear to work?

Plain v-necked t-shirts. Used to be all the same colour but now try to wear different colours to appease my colleagues.

OP posts:
00100001 · 18/05/2015 16:13

I still don't get how you have never ever seen a picture of a wedding, so I still don't see how you could fail to realise that people 'dress up' for them...

manicinsomniac · 18/05/2015 16:16

The theme park:

I think, although I massively sympathise with how you felt, YABU to expect people to behave any differently than they did in the queue. It's hideous but, en masse, people will crush, squeeze and make noise in queues. Some will also be rude and uncooperative when asked to stop, for any reason. Most people, though they probably hate it, can deal with this so it isn't possible to say that they are the ones who are disabled. You are disabled by your inability to cope with it (that's not a criticism of you, just a fact) The solution for you, as you did, is to get the fast pass. You require the adjusted access arrangements to enable to participate in the same way as others. People who complained about you having that WBVVVVVU.

The wedding:

Usually, the bride and groom come first and have the right to ask guests to dress in a way that they choose. Most people are aware of the dress code for weddings.
However, if you have sensory issues around certain types of clothing and are only comfortable in jeans and trainers then, as your sister, I would be delighted that you had done your version of dressing up (ie buying the designer ones) for me and wouldn't have dreamed of laying into you. I would have wanted all the others guests dressed appropriately but my sister's comfort and understanding of her disability would have come first. However, again, I would have to say that it is you who have the disability not everybody else.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 18/05/2015 16:17

I think maybe the op has a more functional relationship with clothes binary, hence the selection of identical outfits each day. There's nothing wrong with that choice usually, except when you have twatty colleagues or an unusually formal occasion.

I think maybe the op simply is not given to carefully studying clothes. Which, again, is normally ok but unfortunately not always.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/05/2015 16:19

IN fairness, I think your sister might have known that you would not necessarily be aware of the "correct" attire to the wedding, and checked with you beforehand. She is your sister, after all! Then she could have let you know that she wouldn't be happy with jeans etc.

001 - what other people would wear isn't necessarily relevant to the OP. They might have all been wearing clothes that they like and are comfortable - as the OP did. Dress codes aren't necessarily obvious to everyone.

Original poster
Jellybellybeans · 18/05/2015 16:19

I have seen pictures of weddings before but I didn't realise I was expected to dress like someone else. I did 'dress up' just not in the same way as other people. Did you miss the bit where I said I was autistic and now have a support worker who helps me to sort my clothes? FFS!

OP posts:
PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 18/05/2015 16:20

Yes, your sister could have been more helpful and provided sartorial direction in this instance.

SoonToBeSix · 18/05/2015 16:25

00100001 you clearly do not know the first thing about autism.
Op sorry you had a horrible time at the theme park and your sister should be a little less self ebsorbed.

shrunkenhead · 18/05/2015 16:25

Surely your sister should have known you needed help choosing smart clothes/pretty dress/wedding guest appropriate attire and gone shopping with you to pick something?! Weddings are just one of those things that really ARE all about the bride and groom it is, after all, a very special day. And it is only one day. And yes it is selfish but it is one day about them committing their lives to each other.

LlamaLover · 18/05/2015 16:25

Hi. Sympathies.

What you're describing is caled the social model of disability. I really like how it's explained here: www.scope.org.uk/about-us/our-brand/social-model-of-disability

ltk · 18/05/2015 16:26

My maid of honour was disabled. I told her to wear whatever worked for her, and I thought she looked wonderful even if it had to be a bit off-piste for a wedding. She had a great day and I had a great day because she was there for me. Anyone who tells off a guest for wearing the 'wrong' clothes needs to have a word with themselves.

Original poster
Jellybellybeans · 18/05/2015 16:30

I guess what I'm trying to express is that I get labelled as disabled and that seems to absolve everyone else of their behaviours which make me feel victimised. I accept that I got it wrong for my sister's wedding. I don't understand it, but I accept it. I kept saying sorry when she blew up at me. I didn't upset her on purpose.

What I'm not doing a good job of trying to explain is wondering why my inadvertantly upsetting her is a disability which needs 'fixing'. But her being furious with me and more or less cutting me off for almost 7 years isn't.

OP posts:
00100001 · 18/05/2015 16:30

Was there no discussion at all in the family about what people were wearing to your sisters wedding prior to the event? Confused

OneWaySystemBlues · 18/05/2015 16:31

AuntyMag10 I said "I always think it is ironic that the people with the least empathy for people with autism are neurotypical people!" because perceived wisdom says that neurotypical people are capable of empathy and people with autism aren't; which a) isn't true. Whilst people with autism may find it hard to read social situations and facial expressions, they are NOT devoid of empathy; and b), if neurotypical people are so great at empathy, why are they so rubbish at showing empathy towards people with autism who may find certain things in the world very difficult to deal with?

I have a son with autism and have found it very interesting (ironic/annoying/whatever) that the people who have had the most problem with dealing with his inflexibility or other issues have usually showed incredible inflexibility themselves and a complete lack of understanding about how difficult he might be finding the world and a complete lack of willingness to try and put themselves in his shoes (empathy??) - all at the same time complaining about his lack of empathy. That's why I find it ironic.

Baddz · 18/05/2015 16:32

I'm sorry but exactly how do you not understand that trainers and jeans are not suitable attire for a wedding?
We are bombarded by media featuring weddings all the time!! How many times do you see weddings photos with guests in jeans and trainers!?
it smacks of wanting to prove a point to your sister tbh.
And that's just mean.
Now...I have to say....I couldnt have given a toss what people wore to my wedding. BUT some people feel very strongly about it. Some people plan these events for years and spend £££ on them.
Would it really have hurt you to wear trousers and a nice top? Really?
I DO judge people who wear jeans to a funeral, however.
So disrespectful!

Baddz · 18/05/2015 16:36

Look...you upset her. On her wedding day.
I know you didn't mean to, but that doesn't alter the fact that you did.
i agree with other posters though...why didn't your sister sit you down and discuss this with you if it was such a big deal to her?
Would you have worn trousers instead of jeans and a formal top instead of a t shirt if asked?

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 18/05/2015 16:36

If such details simply don't figure on your radar, then it can happen quite easily baddz.

Your sister cut you off for 7 years?! Confused MASSIVE overreaction. If i had to guess, I'd guess that she has previously been embarrassed by some aspects of your behaviour and that this pushed her over the edge (unreasonably IMO).

Original poster
Jellybellybeans · 18/05/2015 16:36

LlamaLover That's it! That's exactly what I'm trying to explain badly.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/05/2015 16:37

Jelly
Her cutting you off, isn't about your disability, its about your sister being unkind. She doesn't sound like a very nice person.

If you had been my sister and it was my wedding I would have either helped you choose something or accepted what you were wearing.

Pagwatch · 18/05/2015 16:38

Can posters stop telling the OP she should have known what to wear.

She has a support worker to help her select appropriate clothing.
Stop calling her names such as mean

SoonToBeSix · 18/05/2015 16:39

Baddz you aren't sorry- you are ignorant and hurtful.

Pagwatch · 18/05/2015 16:40

Baddz.

Your lecturing the op on not understanding sometime perfectly straightforward is massively ironic just now.

YouTheCat · 18/05/2015 16:42

Both my kids have autism, at opposite ends of the spectrum. Ds's carers tend to take him to things when it is quiet. Dd just about copes most of the time but I reckon a theme park with entitled arses barging and pushing would send her over the edge (and me tbh). Why are people like this? The last time I was at a theme park it was Alton Towers 30 years ago and there was none of that behaviour. I have really seen a marked change in what passes as acceptable in the last few years.

As to the wedding attire, I don't get it either. I'm pretty sure I wore jeans to the last funeral I went to but the deceased had requested no black and for people to dress as they wished - so I did. He wouldn't have cared. And if I happen to get married again I won't be wearing anything like the vile salmon pink suit I wore the first time round. It was awful. It'll be very much a come as you want affair. It's the people who are important not their clothes.

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